Family Dysfunction Causing Distress

I am new @ HW, looking for support in both the Chronic Pain forum and also the Depression forum.  I have to believe that there are many others here that are depressed and saddened by family issues.  The anniversary of my dad's death just brought up so many feelings, I guess I just needed to vent.

I always had HOPE, but hope is not a plan.  I said that I AM AFRAID (that's a big one for me) because I no longer have a plan.  I no longer have the hope that "things" will get better.  I ask, but am not answered.  I seek, but rarely find.  I have the lowest of expectations for my 5 older siblings, yet I'm still disappointed in them.  I've been on call for my family 24/7 and solely responsible for my parents as they aged. 

My dad died in 2001, just a couple of weeks before 9/11...Yesterday was the anniversary of his death, so I needed to reach out to my siblings...but I couldn't face more rejection.  Instead, I visited my mom at the senior living center (we don't say "nursing home")  I took one of my Dalmatians with me...They alternate visits to Mammaw because I can't physically handle both at the same time. My sweet babies are a bright SPOT for the residents at the center=)  I LOVE my senior "peeps" and enjoy spending time with them, whether for Bingo or Birthday Club. 

I love my mom but she's a hard woman to like.  She turned 88 in May.  As always I took cake and punch for her to share with about 30 of the other residents in the dining hall. She is always hateful and doesn't want to share me or her birthday cake.  As predicted, she threw a fit that morning and refused to even get up, go to the shower and get dressed.  Mind you, she only has to co-operate, as the staff does the transfer to the shower room, etc.  She thought she could ruin the party for everyone (yes, she's that vindictive)  She told the staff and admin to elf themselves.  She conveyed the same to me, and as always, instructed me as to where I might put the birthday cake;)  I was a nervous wreck, but dried my tears and resisted the urge to strangle her...then proceeded with the party in the dining hall.  I left her in her room to pout.

It's no surprise that my senior peeps enjoyed the fellowship far more WITHOUT the guest of honor. I did, too. For 9 years I've BAKED the cakes for monthly Birthday Club...but due to shingles in my eye since June...I've had to order the cakes from Wal-Mart and have my husband deliver them to the center for June through August.  I'm determined to BAKE the September cake by the 15th and participate in serving it. I absolutely adore spending time with so many of the residents.  Unfortunately, I've learned to limit my one-on-one hugs and displays of affection because my mom is pathologically jealous.  She will target and abuse anyone I show affection for. 

My mom is a textbook sociopath, according to my therapist.  He told me many years ago to cut family ties and save my sanity...um, self.  I cut ties and left for almost 6 years.  It was probably the worst mistake I've ever made.  My siblings cut ties with me because they feared her wrath.  She and my dad had always been verbally abusive to one another.  The abuse we children endured is a conversation for another day.  

My dad grew weak after a series of congestive heart failure episodes. I never got to see him, but he would "sneak" a call to me whenever he could.  The last conversation we had was his begging me to come and get him out of that hell.  Both of us were crying uncontrollably.  I told him that if I came to rescue him from my mom, she would hunt us both down and kill us.  He knew it was true.  He told me he wanted to die...that he was ready to go to heaven.  I told him we would see each other there, where my mom could no longer hurt either of us. 

Oh, God help me...I should have fought that fight. I found out after his death (to no surprise) that his doctor had questioned bruises from suspected beatings.  My siblings knew this, but did nothing.  I have two brothers that (like I) were too coward to intervene and save my dad.  They KNEW of the abuse...she had beaten him with the remote control and her shoes...had taken his plates of food as he begged for them, and threw them in the back yard.  I live with regret that I did not call protective services to help me rescue him.  I should have fought for him.  I should have placed him in the Veteran's Home and filed a restraining order on my mom, forbidding her from ever seeing him or laying evil hands upon him.  He would have lived well into his 90s amongst his fellow brothers in arm.  He could have enjoyed some peace with 3 meals a day and endless conversation, a safe place to lay his head at night.  Instead he died a horrible death in the hospital. My siblings witnessed the continued physical and verbal abuse of my mom as he lay dying.  She would not allow me to see him.  I should have fought. 

I learned of his death from my aunt.  NO brother or sister contacted me.  My BIL came to my door to escort me to my dad's visitation.  He promised to protect me and shield me from my mom.  He DID.  If not for him, I could not have attended my dad's funeral.  I still struggle with the knowledge that my own brothers did not step up for my dad...or for me.  My husband could only quietly observe, as he knows how volatile my family is. 

Fast forward 13 years and I am still strangled by the hands of regret as Labor Day weekend approaches.  I pry those fingers from my throat when I awaken (if I've slept at all) This holiday will always be a protracted exercise in sadness, as my dad was one of 9 deaths in our immediate family within an 11 month period. It just brings it all back, as there's no escape.  I apologize for the projectile verbal vomit of this post.  I guess it's best to get it all out, though I'm not at all certain this is the forum for this.  Perhaps if nothing else, my crazy life will distract others for a moment or two, making them grateful that they're NOT me=)

Thank you guys for reading.  I am open to your input and I appreciate all of you.  I KNOW that you struggle also...whether physical pain or emotional.  They are so intricately intertwined, aren't they?  I am here to share and be equally yoked with those of you who just need to feel significant and/or appreciated somehow.  Does that make sense? 

Post Edited (Dixie6) : 8/28/2014 6:36:08 PM (GMT-6)

I do feel alone...even in a crowd=(

Dixie

   You've written one of the textbooks for Family Dysfunction.

   I'm so sorry you were in the position to be able to write this!

   Somewhere, it was said that you can't change the things that you can't control ..... but you can change the way you view those things. (It was said better by who first said it - but you get the point.)

   My mother passed of complications of dementia in January of this year. While she was a very bitter person and quite distrustful, she was not a very violent person.

   You said it was a mistake to cut ties for 6-years! Why? Was it because your siblings left you emotionally? If so .... they did so out of fear!!!

   The fear had nothing to do with you.

   Please ...... I believe a grief counselor is still in order for your dealing with your Dad's passing - and life too. Please try a counselor.

Peace and wellness

Rob & Gizmo

As for Labor Day...Yes, for the last several years my husband and I have hosted family for food and fellowship.  I am the master of masks.  I never reveal my feelings, nor do they.  Don't get me wrong, because I LOVE hosting and having my home filled with laughter of little ones.  It's just very hard on me physically and financially.  I have difficulty getting my siblings and their adult children to "commit" to a meal time, EVEN for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  They don't help with the cost or the extremely hard labor of preparing a meal for 20+ people.  YES they are users and takers who play upon my need for family...then disappear til next time.  Repeat. I not only allow myself to be used, I volunteer for it...hoping that "next time" will be better.  My husband doesn't want me to host Labor Day this year because I've suffered through 12 weeks of shingles in my right eye/face.  I held back until the last minute just to see if someone else would host (no). I can't NOT try my best to bring my family together.  So...Like a fool I donned my hat and sunglasses by 8:30 this morning and headed 30 miles away to our WM supercenter.  I bought almost $300 worth of groceries to cook dinner for all except my "Texas 3" who aren't coming this year.  I also ordered a sheet cake for "It's A Boy!" to surprise my niece with an impromptu baby shower.  We'll host on Saturday with all of the "fixins and such".  Then my husband and I will collapse in exhaustion and wishes that we hadn't done "this" again. 

GB...YES, my mom is quite capable of hurting me.  She swings her fists and screams she's going to "knock my GD head off".  One cannot know how vile and wicked she has always been. She has been in senior care for 9 years (please re-read my initial post about her antics just 3 months ago on her 88th birthday.  I am on call 24/7 because I signed her into senior care with my POA.  She has assaulted multiple residents, verbally and physically.  I have no doubt that her evil ways and sharp tongue caused the premature death of many residents whom I loved DEARLY.  I'm not saying she physically caused their demise, but she certainly DARKENED their light...causing them to avoid the DR, Bingo 3 days a week and birthday/holiday parties.  It was HORRIBLE (and still is) the way she taunts and degrades others, including me.  Residents would refuse to come to the DR for meals OR parties with cake.  I would take the cake to their rooms and try to make amends for my mom's nasty behavior.  The residents with whom I met when she first moved in 2005 have all but passed.  Few are still alive, but new folks have arrived over the years.  I LOVE my SENIOR PEEPS, but have to be careful with my outward displays of affection because my mom will hurt them.

Believe me, I understand your sense of relief upon your mom's death.  It's complicated, but I am ready for her departure.  The arrangements are made and her head stone awaits.  Yet I know that she will haunt my thoughts for the rest of my natural life.

NO I do not love myself.  In fact, I loathe myself.  I am the Calvary on the white horse for everyone, but I can't save ME.

AB...I am sorry for your losses, especially your grandma.  I have an aunt who is 86, but looks and acts more like 60.  She's my mom's sister, but they are completely OPPOSITE.  She is loving and kind.  We are as close as a mother and daughter should be...She's my chosen mom=)  However, in the past year her cognitive abilities have declined.  She has really gone downward physically as well.  That's part of my sadness because I'm LOSING HER.  I try to stay in the present...take picnic baskets and enjoy old movies with her.  She can STILL make the best cornbread...if she doesn't get distracted watching Andy Griffith...and it BURNS.  Just thinking of her makes me smile.

Gizzy...If I hadn't left for those 6 years, I wouldn't have LOST my family.  My siblings have never been there emotionally.  I am the only one who's even sought therapy. They had NO contact with me while I was "detached" from my mother.  I never saw them or talked to them.  Yes, they were afraid of my mom's wrath...but they should have taken a stand when I did in 1996 and said "NO MORE".  Instead, they flocked to her and provided assistance for her to literally terrorize me for 6 years.  That's another whole story.  "Reality TV" has nothing on me or my family.

On my best days, I can detach and make jokes about the chaos.  I suffered from domestic terrorism long before 9/11.  You wouldn't fear Osama if you knew my mama=)

Thank you ladies for sharing with me.  Cyberspace and anonymity has allowed me to "purge" more of my truth than I could ever even tell my therapist.  I live in such shame and humiliation.  Thank you also for not judging me.