When is it time to just be admitted?

I am struggling terribly and have even avoided coming in here for today till now, I tell ya I have never felt this distraught, depressed, empty and afraid that I have totally given up.

I am having random thoughts of things we can't mention in here, what would be the easiest way out, because this is not living at all.

I love my son truly, but feel like he doesn't deserve a mother like me. I literally feel no happiness at all, have never felt so lost and alone and just empty.

I don't want to admit myself because I hate those places, they make me worse, I don't even know what I would do with my son, there is no one at all to take him, so what does one do, I will only stay up a few hours at a time, then I go back to bed.

The only pleasure I get right now is eating, but don't have the desire to even cook, I feel like this is truly the worst bout of depression I have ever had, and I don't now how much more I can endure with myself, I literally make myself sick, there are people that are happy because they chose to be positive, but I just can't.

Brenda, go ahead and call a crisis line. I have before and talked to someone for 45 minutes and I felt better. I actually called the mental health hospital in my city and asked to be connected to a counselor on call (it was late at night). When were you an impatient before? Did you have kids then?

I know you don't want to go but if it'd bring you relief, do it. Can your daughter or family take care of your son for a few days? Any friend around you can call tonight to come over and hang out with you or spend the night?

Call the crisis line. I swear just talking will help some. Otherwise, no shame in getting help at the hospital.

It isn't going to be like this for long, I promise. No one lives like this for long. The people who choose to do the unmentionable generally aren't under medical care &/or have chosen not to take their meds or self medicate with drugs or alcohol, etc.

Girl I know it's an ugly place but I'm telling you, promising you, we are going to carry you through this & you will get through this and get better soon.

Make the call or even try the impatient and see if you can talk to an on call social worker/counselor.

Praying right now. You are loved.

Lisa

Please, Brendaboo, call NOW, like right this second. Your son needs you, we need you, and I want to hear the next installation of "Dr Franco at Work."
PLEASE.

XXXXX
Jan

Thank you for your concerns, I am not where I want to be, but better than I was yesterday. I couldn't admit myself, I just couldn't so I stayed in bed most of the day.

I am thankful that today was a better day, I won't say I wasn't depressed, but I tried to not dwell on the thoughts that seem to be over powering my reasoning power, and hoping if I just try to continue to just think more positively that at least I can find some peace.

I honestly want you to know your compassion and understanding means so much to me.

Hi Brendaboo,

I guess I was writing for so long, while I was writing you posted a reply. I'm glad that today was a better day for you. I'm glad you were able to keep yourself safe and that you're trying to think positively that shows that you are strong!

Your son has the Mom he deserves!

So glad you have posted.

Each time you get through a spot like this, it makes you stronger. So the next one will be shorter, even if it is one hour.

Kudos to you for staying out of the crisis center, this is a victory of your own to celebrate.

Brenda, remember those negative thought patterns are just that, thoughts. They are based on emotions that can not harm you. You ARE able to change your emotions by doing skills. Like:
walking, journaling, mindfulness, art, music, cooking, calling friends to see how they are or just chat. HOLD ICE CUBES

mY NEW thing is listening to a music channel on TV and doing easy crossword puzzles. relaxes you and makes you feel amazingly accomplished in the end.

Have a great day!
Peace
Trina

So good to hear from you, Brenda. Deep sigh of relief.

Lisa, to me, your post spoke to a whole lot of us. Well said and thank you.

Hang in there single moms. You've got precious cargo who loves you very much.

Jan

Brenda, Thanks for posting. We were all very worried... I am glad you are alright...

Know that all children really want is to be loved and to feel secure. I think you do good at both. Try not to underestimate yourself. You are stronger than you think.

Crying can be cleansing. So let it out when you feel the need.

Know we are all here for you hon...

Hugs, Karen...

Hi Brendaboo,

I'm so glad to hear from you today, you've been on my mind so I wanted to check to see if you had posted. I'm glad my post wasn't too long or didn't freak you out or anything.

I can so relate to how you're feeling and I've thought so many of those same thoughts. My daughter went to counseling before about a year and a half ago I was worried that she might have some type of mental health issue inherited from me because she would get so upset when I said no or things didn't go her way it was kind of like flipping out to me. Now I know a lot of people will wonder why that concerned me or think it's normal but I guess I didn't have a normal childhood so I didn't/don't know what's normal I wouldn't dare get upset if I was told no so I thought maybe she had a anger management issue or just something that would turn into something I wasn't sure was just confused.

After being in counseling & a anger management group for 12 weeks I found out she has no issues all of her behavior is normal and that it's pure manipulation she actually told the psychiatrist and her counselor that if she cries or gets really upset I'll feel bad and give her what she wants and that's why she does all that. I felt really bad like I was a bad Mom, I do tend to change my mind of she cries because I relate crying to depression because I cry when I'm depressed and I don't want her to be depressed. So I felt like my history of abuse and mental issues was making me a bad Mom and wondered if she would be better off without me and maybe she could go into foster care and get adopted and have a big family and go on family vacations and have family gatherings none of which I can give her with no family and not a lot. Then I always fear of being an abuser because I was abused.

The psychiatrist said I was a good Mom because of my concerns and because my child was in gifted classes, no problems at all in school, very social with lot's of friends (I'm not) she also asked me if I liked foster care I said no it was almost as bad as my home but I thought maybe she would get adopted because she's so special and the psychiatrist said there's no guarantee of that especially since she's a big kid. She said as far as being an abuser the fact that I worry about it shows that I won't be. To be honest I still wonder but I say all that to say I had those same thoughts and still have those same thoughts.

I feel a lot of guilt for not having family to offer her and for not having a lot of money to buy all those things that ****s want or go on vacations or do a lot of activities n the weekends. Of course almost all of her friends have their own cell phones already in the 6th grade there are lot's of things that I think about and feel bad about. I try to do the best I can but sometimes wonder if it's enough and I feel oh so bad when I have to say no.

I can't really describe how it makes me feel to actually talk to someone who can relate or understand it's a mixture of a sense of connection, to relief that I'm not alone and a little sadness because I would never want anyone else to feel the way I do because it's such a emotionally painful & overwhelming feeling. But I had to let you know that you are not alone in those thoughts, professionals don't make me feel bad for feeling that way but others have outright got upset with me for thinking my child would be better off without me and calling me selfish and uncaring and have said how horrible that is to actually say, so I pretty much keep it in out of shame and it took me a very long time to admit it to a professional.

I haven't been inpatient like you since before I had my daughter before her I was in and out too many times to count since I was a **** and sometimes against my will and sometimes voluntarily and also for weeks at a time like you mentioned. I don't have a babysitter so I can't go inpatient for weeks so I've been in partial hospitalization a lot. I don't like being locked up, sometimes I don't like being around men and when I was younger they used straight jackets so I've been in one a few times. My anxiety goes through the roof when I'm inpatient and I just don't do well at all in that setting, it actually makes me worse. But I do try encourage those who need it to go because you can go for an assessment and like me if that's truly not what's best for you overall they will help you find what is best but the overall goal is your safety.

So I had to reach out to you to let you know that you're not alone and it kind of helps me too. I also had to let you know how much I hate hospitals but at the same time try to encourage you to do something in case of emergency because we have to do something when we get in crisis mode. I'm so glad that you made it through your crisis and was able to stay safe that really shows a lot of strength.

Your son sounds like such a special young man and I think he's so lucky to have you it sounds like he loves you a lot and enjoys spending time with you. You sound like you have a good heart and a kind spirit and I'm glad that I ran across your post. I know it can be hard when it seems like you don't have much money but some kids really aren't into having a lot of things, some kids just want and need a lot of love and I have a feeling your son wants/needs your love more than anything else. It's good that not going a lot of places is not a big deal for him that should let you know even more what matters most to him. I know thinking that can be easier said than done but if you get enough reminders you will begin to realize it and believe it.

I don't want you to feel alone because you are not alone and I know that feeling of being alone. I don't have any family and really no friends but I'm always open to making a real friend. Anytime you feel alone just remember that you are not alone, I'll remind you again that you can e-mail me anytime and if you need to talk I don't mind giving you my number so you can call or text anytime you need to talk. Sometimes we need someone to talk to and sometimes we just want to feel like we have someone to chat with sometimes so whatever the reason I'm here if you need me.

I wrote another book again, I promise I didn't mean to, I guess this subject is really important to me and a big part of my life and I just had to share with you as you have shared and give you some relief in knowing that you're not alone and maybe to ease your feelings of guilt some. Guilt can be a very strong emotion, an overwhelming emotion, one that we both should try to work on.

You are a good Mom & I'm so glad you're doing better today and I hope you're even better tomorrow!





Hi Lisa: Thanks so much for your kind words and prayers they are greatly appreciated!

AMEN to what D72 said! Brenda, I don't know if you remember but I was a social worker. Well. I guess I still am but I don't work right now. What she said is TRUE. I've seen a lot..

Our society says bigger is better and more is better. It is NOT. As long as your kid is loved, fed, bathed, that's it. Anything more is bonus but not required.


How's it going today? Love ya!

Lisa

Ps: Welcome D72! This is a great, loving, active and common sense forum.

Thank you again every one for your heartfelt posts. I guess as a mother I want the best for him, I have become overly protective in some ways, I would never allow him to be put in a situation that he is uncomfortable in, so when the random thoughts as to would he be better with someone else enter my mind it does make me wonder, but I know he needs me, and to be truthful I need him greatly. Even though he has autism, this boy has more common sense than most adults, maybe I depend on his comforting too much, he knows when I am down and will say "Mom just go lay down and take a nap, you will be okay"

Going through his different illnesses at such an early age, I fought for him, his neurologist told me that I am one of the best advocates for my child that he had met, I didn't let anything get by my sons medical needs, but you have to understand I went through this for 5 years, 2 hour trip up and back to Shands hospital, and we would be in there for weeks at a time, I wouldn't leave his side, a nurse came in and I was rocking him and just crying, she said you need to go outside take a break I will watch him for you, I just didn't ever want to leave his side. He was so out of control because of his illness that they would have to always put him in a mesh zip up bed, and I was right in the bed with him. Never once in those 5 years did I ever have a panic attack that I can remember, but when he got better(which is a miracle), that is when my anxiety hit the roof, now I had time to think about myself and my mind wasn't advocating for him 24/7.

So I know I love him deeply, he is a blessing to me, I just want to be a blessing to him, believe me when he was in public school it was a disaster, but one thing the school system knew was not to ignore me or ignore my concerns, because if you didn't reply to my sons needs than I would keep calling till I got to the highest level of the school board, and IEP's were done all the time because of my concerns.

Karen is so right Brenda- what you went through is similar to empty nest syndrome. You "lost" the only purpose you'd known for so long, which was caregiving for your son during his years of hospital stays. Moms out their children first and give everything they have to their kids. That's obviously not a bad thing as long as mom is taking care if her own needs. It's like the saying goes "you'll be (emotionally) bankrupt if all you do is allow withdrawals without making deposits." (Or something like that lol).

I get it though. I'd rather take care of someone else any day than myself (emotionally), bc it's hard! And guess who's time it is now- YOURS, mine, those of us in here who've likely neglected our own needs somewhere down the line bc we are sensitive, loving, caring and giving people. Add any chemical imbalance and we are more prone to suffer.

Your son sounds like a neat kid. I already like him- "go take a nap mom, you'll feel better." That's precious. Don't worry about putting your shizz on him, he knows you love him and do your best. That's all any of us can do.

Hugs!

Lisa