I hurt my boyfriend who suffers from depression and he shut down and built a wall

Hello everyone,

sorry for this long post, I have just turned in a complete self toruting wreck and would appreciate your advice.

My boyfriend (25) has broken up with me (28) few days ago, but basically I have initiate it in despair and anxiety but he is not willing to forgive me the harsh words (we are 1000 km apart for 4 weeks & this was all going on on viber&skype). I see now I was suffering from some kind of depression when he left .. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't lift up my mood and everything, just everything looked bad.

We have both been playing horrible "we are done" game a lot, but just for hours or minutes…and we were aware that is bad and that we need to stop doing that. We have shared extremely deep and loving connection but there was lost of childhood emotional baggage so the road was rocky after his depression hit. We were together for 2 years and have lived together until February, when I moved back home (1000km away) to have some space coz of his stressful depression and his family constantly hatefully involving in our relationship. He had an internship there but we have been visiting each other regularly (for 2-3 weeks with a month of breaks in between). I have helped him A LOT to deal with his depression and I have been pushing him to therapy. He's been dealing with everything much better now but my baggage had resurfaced. We were planing to move back together to his country but he got very hurt by my behavior over Skype in the last 2 weeks.

I am ashamed of how non tolerant, pushy, stressing I have been, while he has been finishing his master thesis I have been in this horrible depressed state and started to push him away because I terribly missed him, couldn't bare the distance and there was not enough time to talk this out. I was initiating the break up saying HORRIBLE stuff to hurt him (ex..it started that I don't feel good and I don't know what's going on with me..,I don't love you, you don't understand me, you are suffocating me, I will never love you, you can't make me happy, in this 2 years I have not been dealing with my problems just yours, I feel like I am your mother doing everything etc..). This things are not so true as I have dramatized them and didn't mean them.. I am torturing myself every minute not to recognize what is happening to me and to found help.

He said we are over and I couldn't believe it, but when I have re-viewed what I have been writing to him, I apologized sincerely for horrible words and explain where this pain and pushing away came from and that I love him and didn't want to loose him for my emotional baggage of abusive father. He didn't believe me, he though I was just mean. I told him it was my black dog.

First few days he was crying and constantly asking me how am I, but now he built a wall and closed his heart. He said something in him broke and his feelings vanished and that he's just flying over to come to pick up his car and to say its over. Now his family is finally showing him support and they are extremely happy with his decision and he looks very ego builded and icy on Skype. They are the cause of his depression and they always made him suffer. . He is very sensitive and compassionate and I had to drag him out of the "I want to **** myself " situations numerous times where I have been soo hurt. I don't understand his decision because despite our rocky road, I have been forgiving him constantly for being mean during the depression time. I understood that depression was not his choice and that he wants to change that, but I feel like I didn't get that chance :(

I am thinking of giving him some time and space to forget about this recent negative image of myself and start remembering the feelings and good things. I really wish to get back with him and grow old with him since this was what we deeply wished for. I am prepared to be patient and change to be a better person and handle this fears I have. And I know we could change this things together since this is what we wanted all the way long.

He is coming tomorrow and I am terrified of his walls and his speech. I am afraid to look into those icy eyes because they will break my hope. We were supposed to have a talk in person this, and I had a lot of hope because of finally seeing my problems I thought I would be able to explain the whole situation to him, because he doesn't clearly see in what kind of psychological state I was. I also think that because we haven't seen for 3 weeks he would feel differently when he sees me in person.

But just yesterday he got very unkind and not sympathetic, he said he will stay in hotel for 2 days and just 2 days ago I have told him that I will take this part time job in his city that we were planing and now he refuses to share a ride with me&dog&cat to his country, to show me that THERE IS NO HOPE FOR US (sorry, capitals to emphasize his tone of voice). He has made me feel like I would be a stalker if taking this job.


So I have a problem with this decision of moving to his city or not, its 1000 km away from my family and friends, but I could move in with a friend who is wiling to give me the emotional support. Atm in my country there is a huge unemployment rate, and I have been trying to find a job for more then a year. It's just nothing at the moment. I know I will just torture myself at home, when I will have nothing to do. And in France I could continue to improve my poor French and keep myself busy with this part-time job working with kids. I am thinking of flying over and if it is emotionally to hard for me, I could still go back. t I know making some money and keeping myself busy would help a lot. I am just so afraid that I will not have as big emotional support as here. And of course a part of me wants to go there to see if the damage can be undone but I have no plan to stalk him or force him into that. I just feel like if we are 1000 km apart, he will definitely not think about forgiveness because I am so far and it would be too much of an effort to fix anything. Am I a fool to follow my instincts, feelings and intuition?

I do love him sincerely and I have never imagined to have a deep connection like that ever and I am truly sorry for mistakes.

I am also afraid of letting him to talk in my apartment because I feel vulnerable and that I would be more hurt, even if I wish him to come because he could soften up because constantly saying this was his home, and we got a cat here and my dog. Just 1 week ago he was saying he would be moving mountains for me and he has always been expressing and showing tons of deep and committed love, he always said everything he does is for me and we wanted to have a family together.

Please help. I am devastated, I can't eat and I torturing myself every minute for what have I done.

Can I help him to break down his walls so he could forgive me? I know it's his choice and I can not force anyone into that, but my heart is true and I know we could grow from this experience.

Thank you!! I appreciate it your responses <3 <3

Thank you Karen for your kind words <3

I really want to fight this.

ketiket, i'm sorry your going through this. Break-ups can be such a hard and painful thing to go through. Have you been able to speak with a counselor about this?

Hope your doing OK,
Teedaalee

Right now you sound stressed out. I would wait and see what happens when he wakes up. Talk calmly, and try to lay it all out there so you two can decide what you are doing... If you can be friends, that would be cool. No hard feelings. But if you don't feel you can do that, I would let him know.

I wish you the best with this situation.

Hugs, Karen...

I would wait and see if you don't mind doing that. I think a hasty decision right now by either of you would be detrimental to the relationship. If there is one, I don't know... But if you aren't in a hurry, see what happens and take it from there. I just think emotions were high. And we all say things we don't mean...

It is totally up to you though, this is your life. Follow your heart and do what is right for you.

Hugs, Karen...