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depressed husband?

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Posted 9/15/2014 2:42 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I am new to this process as I really need help and advise.

I have been married for 11 years and together for 14 years with 2 beautiful children.

Until, 2 months ago I thought I had a great life.. Then my mother passed away suddenly and things began to change!

My husband and I have had a great relationship but over the last 4 years we have had very little sex but, always showed love and affection to each other. He was always my rock and visa versa. When my mum passed away he was amazing took care of everything and did more than anyone could have asked from him. The day she passed he organized the kids and spent the day at the hospital with me! Then, after a week that she passed things started to change as he changed.

There was little affection and he started withdrawing from me. He ran off on a fishing holiday to get time out overseas and, at the time I was really angry that he left me and the kids at a time I really needed support.

Prior to that he told me he did not love me, nor desire me and wants to leave! He told me I have a great support team (family and friends) and I don't need him.  His own father passed away over 15 years ago under similar circumstances

at that time he took control of his family and after the funeral ran off on a 3 month holiday. He started making comments like : your lucky your did not have to watch your mum die over 3 months or you don't know how it felt wiping your dads crap whilst he was in a hospice! Its like he was trying to hurt me with words but slowly I am realizing its not my husband talking! He has cocooned himself away from me and friends however, still amazing with the kids.  I think he believes I don't need him but, the kids do! We went to a party the other day and noticed he was struggling which, again is not him. Always the heart of the party and always having a good time.

He told me he knows he has issues and he has changed. He does not want to go to a doctor as, he thinks meds are not the understand! However, we have started counseling which is good! And today did agree to taking St John Wort vitamins.  I am frighten that I will lose my wonderful husband forever! I tell him that I will always support him and  love him and, he can not talk nor knows what he wants!

Please help!!!!!!

 

Posted 9/15/2014 4:13 AM (GMT 0)
I wish I could help you, jojo...I can only offer HUGS of support and understanding. Have you considered that perhaps your husband is having an affair?  That can cause changes in his attitude towards you.  It would explain why he wants to "go away" to be alone. If he's not involved with another woman, yet suddenly is saying/doing these odd things...Perhaps your mom's death erupted some of his grief that he's bottled up.  Either way, couples therapy would be helpful for the both of you.  You have to be able to identify the problem before you can find the solution.

I'm sorry for your mom's passing and for this added sense of abandonment from your husband.

HUGS~~Dixie

Posted 9/15/2014 4:31 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks. I asked him & he said no! He also said he has no desire! I think my mums passing has triggered something about his own grief of his father. I am devastated & to see him struggle like this is killing me. Everyone tells me how amazing he is etc which he has been until 6 weeks ago
Posted 9/15/2014 4:31 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks. I asked him & he said no! He also said he has no desire! I think my mums passing has triggered something about his own grief of his father. I am devastated & to see him struggle like this is killing me. Everyone tells me how amazing he is etc which he has been until 6 weeks ago
Posted 9/15/2014 4:37 AM (GMT 0)
Jojo...I only asked because many years ago my husband exhibited the same symptoms.  He told me he was feeling depressed and needed to be alone.  I found out later MANY things...not the least of which was an ongoing affair.  Yes, grief works in mysterious ways, but he should not be trying to hurt you with his words.  You are in need of his support more now than ever.

What age is he?  Could he be going through MANopause?  Change of life? or, as I asked earlier, suppressed grief?  Y'all need someone far more professional than I.  Please reach out for therapy, if not couples, then simply to help you deal with everything.

Dixie

Posted 9/15/2014 4:48 AM (GMT 0)
 

I think we have spoken openly and he had the option to tell me! But, I don't think he is..

He is 47 years old.

Maybe a change of life but, he seems cocooned and highly stressed. 

His job is high stressed and, he seems alone.  He told me he feels alone and withdrawn from everyone.

We have a huge circle of friends but, they are friends with both of us!

I really think he took too much on when mum passed away & he can not cope! He also looks thru me and seems like he sometimes is in another world!

 

Posted 9/15/2014 4:58 AM (GMT 0)
Also has dropped a lot of weight & has sleeping problems. Goes to sleep quickly however gets up a lot during the night. Also hates being touched!
Posted 9/15/2014 8:06 AM (GMT 0)
Hi JoJo,

I hope you get things sorted out.

I have no clue as to what could be going on and I don't like to speculate, but it sounds like there is something... Be it depression or what. I hope he continues to go to counseling with you. It can really help.

Keep hanging in there, and keep us posted. You have come to a good place for support. We are all here or you...

Hugs, Karen...

PS it is very early for me, I can't sleep either...
Posted 9/15/2014 9:27 PM (GMT 0)
jojo, I'm really sorry to hear about you mom's passing. I can imagine that the stuff going on with your marriage at a time like this time would be so difficult! Praying for you.

hang in there,
Teedaalee
Posted 9/20/2014 5:52 PM (GMT 0)
Update:
about 3 days ago things came to a head. I called him at work & he was crying( I have seen him cry only a few times).
He came home & I made an appointment for him to see the doctor . She requested blood test & MRI scan then, she wants to see him again. In appointment he was not completely honest with her especially, about the amount of alcohol he consumes & his sleep patterns but, I did not say much I was there to support him!
We also had a school concert to go to during the week & he struggled avoiding people & going outside for ' fresh air' which is not my husband . He is generally very happy, social & the life of the party! When I asked him about it he said he feels isolated with everything to do with US and our marriage! I can't understand how such a loving husband has turned into a stranger within such a small period of time!
Posted 9/20/2014 6:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi JoJo,

Your husband is on the first steps to feeling better. Keep him going to the doctor. Maybe a therapist... This is the beginning of his healing journey. It is up to him to take the steps.

Did he mention counseling to the doctor or anything? I hope you can get him to go. Did they put him on any medications for depression? I hope that things get better for you both soon.

Hugs. Karen...
Posted 9/20/2014 8:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen , she said first they will get the results of the bloods & then she will refer him to a psych .
Posted 9/20/2014 11:31 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like a new beginning for both of you. One day at a time though...

I am happy he is going to go to a psych...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/21/2014 4:47 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forum.

Sounds like you are both doing the best you can. .

Everyone handles grief in a different way. I can understand what he went through with his father as I care for mine for 3 years at home. and my husbands dies suddenly.

A grief support group is a powerful healing tool that can help your husband, perhaps he never actually grieved for his father. In the group he will discover people feeling and dealing with the same things that he is and that he is NOT alone.

Peace
Trina
Posted 10/1/2014 7:44 AM (GMT 0)
Update:::
Things have just got worst. I have spent my time speaking to people and researching everything I can.
He got the results of his tests - all ok!
He has become angry & cruel and , I decided to go to speak to his doctor. He has an appointment for next week & I am so tired & stressed out.
The doctor was amazing. She was glad that I went & told her about my view on his behaviors. She said she will refer him to a specialist.
She said from the first meeting she saw depression & thought he was odd and very analytical. She also said she thought he came across as very cruel & rude towards me! Also she had the view that it has something do with his own fathers death or the fear that something could happen to me hence, that's why he is pushing me out of his life!
Thank god I know now & pray to get some help.
Posted 10/1/2014 9:57 AM (GMT 0)
What a revelation Jojo, It is always nice to find out what is really going on with somebody. I am glad you talked to his doctor.

I hope that things can get better now. One day at a time. /At least now you know what you are up against...

Hang in there... Things will get better now, it may just take some time...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/1/2014 4:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hopefully the specialist can help. Do not be surprised if one of the doc suggest an inpatient stay for him, due to the cruelty aspect.

keep yourself safe and know that none of this is your fault. You are doing the best you can to help.

In time the help he is getting will make a difference if he sticks with it.

Peace and strength
Trina
Posted 10/11/2014 7:16 AM (GMT 0)
Hi guys, just a quick question.
My husband has started going to the specialist . He has not said much but hopefully getting the help he needs. He went to his first appointment on Thursday morning and has other appointment on Monday morning! Is this normal ? Please advise
Posted 10/11/2014 10:21 AM (GMT 0)
I think so... I hope all works out well. Keep hanging in there. Know we are all here for you JoJo...

Hugs, Karen....
Posted 10/16/2014 8:45 AM (GMT 0)
Hi guys,

My husband has started treatment( with a clinical psyc). After his 2nd session Monday he has been in a terrible mood. Is it the case once therapy starts the depression can get worse before it get better?
After his first session he seemed better but his second must have touched a nerve.

Thanks for your support.
Posted 10/16/2014 10:05 AM (GMT 0)
Sounds like they dug up something he has to deal with. Try to have patience. Know we are here for you,

Hugs, Karen....
Posted 10/16/2014 1:18 PM (GMT 0)
Indeed...just what Karen said. Therapy often takes you places you never wanted to go.  You have to "go there" in order to come out the other side, feeling better able to cope with life.

It will get better.  Please encourage him to keep appointments and follow through therapy, even though it's hard.  Try not to internalize his moods.  Focus on the kids by doing fun things for Halloween, maybe?  Let him know you're there if he needs you, but also allow him to "deal with" his moods. Do not let him take it out on you or the kids, oppressing your hope and happiness.

You're not alone.  We are cyber sisters and brothers.  We're here for you, always.

HUGS~~Dixie

Posted 10/16/2014 2:23 PM (GMT 0)
Sending you much love & support. What a wonderful spouse you are to be advocating for your husband in his time of need despite the unpleasantries- especially when you are dealing with your own grief. Big props to you!

I found this article from readers digest very helpful. I had my husband read it as I've had my own struggles with depression this year. I hope you can find it helpful too. ♥️


http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/how-to-cope-with-a-depressed-spouse/2/

Sending Love-
Lisa
Posted 10/17/2014 9:34 PM (GMT 0)
Guys another question about this horrible illness.
Why do men blame their partners & relationships?
What they describe is a mirror of their own personality when they are in this terrible state.
My husband tells me I log all his bad behaviors .. But everything bad I say he logs too!
It's so frustrating & I think he wants a quick fix.
Posted 10/17/2014 10:21 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like he is in denial. He is blaming you instead of taking the responsibility for his moods. We can't make other people depressed. He is responsible for his own behavior too.

Take care Jojo...

Hugs, Karen...
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