Personal Hell

I've tried to come up with a comment that I can relate to your issues, but other than the depression I am the complete opposite of you, I keep things bottled up and don't show anger, but suffer inside.

You are still so young, and hopefully the crappy job is just a stepping stone to something better, I think what your "buddy" is doing maybe something that could benefit you as well, I sound more like your buddy than you, but bottling it up isn't okay either and I'm sure he wasn't okay, even if he didn't act aggressive.

My daughter is a very angry person, she is 27 and snaps quite easily, and this has gotten her no where quick. She will not reach out for help or even admit she REALLY has a problem(unless it helps her to manipulate someone and get something), but you are admitting you have a problem, which is the first step to getting any help you may need.

I can't relate to wanting to off people who are doing better than me, if I did, it would be almost the entire population so thankfully I have never had that feeling towards any living being. I may not like every one, but I know they have a soul and regardless of what we see on the outside they deserve to be who they are as long as they are not hurting anyone.

Maybe some sort of anger management class, trying to get to the root of your anger, I wish(in some ways)I could relate to the anger, but I can't, but truly understand it can be a very strong issue for people, but I have to believe there is a reason for the anger, and that is where therapy or counseling could benefit you.

I think many of us have had the wish to take what we have(me $1.25 and no car)and just run away, my issue would be the 1.25 wouldn't even get me on a bus and where would I go?

I hope you can find help for yourself, you have already achieved more than a lot of people by obtaining a college degree, so you have to have self-discipline, if you could apply that to your anger maybe that would be good.

I hope you can find what your looking for, and wish I would have had words to help you.

* cut and pasted for easier reading*

Hello,

I'm past scared, guys and gals. I'm 29 and even though I just obtained my college degree last year, I've been watching my life erode for the last few. I did the whole pat on the back thing for graduating, but then my parents moved away to retire at the beach (good for them) and I'm on my own at a crapty job just surviving.

I started noticing a couple years back that the mild depression I was diagnosed with a handful of years ago began taking a real nasty turn. Earlier today at work I scrolled through facebook and it made things all too apparent. Due to all my own actions I watched my number of friends go from over a hundred or so down to just 21. Out of those 21 a bunch are family and even they don't really communicate with me right now. I

t's embarrassing and painful, just like my knee-jerk reactions to things and flying off the handle. Anger is a very big issue right now. I have a buddy whom I've been friends with for like 8 years now and we are well past each others' bull****. He regularly attends counseling and therapy for his depression but that's where we become very different about things. He bottles up all anxiety and loathing deep inside, never releasing it on anyone but he's also able to handle that.

Me? I'm not going to sugar coat it, it's kind of scary. From there it stemmed out to anyone around me who I feel is relatively superior (parents not included), usually in terms of financial, personal, and social success. I have become afraid of women more so than when I was young and shy...

I don't know what to say because I'm tired of "the game". The hunt is not intriguing and I'm no good at it now that I'm out of practice. In public I don't go looking for fights but when even the slightest altercation may arise, I'm ready to elevate it immediately.. I'm not sure I would even care if It's me that ends up getting rocked and sent to traction.

I never smile and when I think about that and look back in the mirror it only reminds me of the countless upon countless times complete strangers (mostly women) would politely tell me to smile. It used to get me so mad when I heard that, glad that someone cared, but mad that my frustrations were so blatantly showcased to the world even though I put on my game face in public.

Last month was a new low when some drunk kid was hassling me for a cig, tried to reach for the pack I was holding... I gave him a warning by flicking my lighter directly under his arm.. I didn't know he was drunk and I honestly thought he would recoil in horror upon the realization that he was ****ing with a guy that won't hesitate to do something like that. It made things worse and he pushed me.. after that I am not able to fully recount what transpired other than I came to being dragged away by strangers after I cold cocked the kid and then started going to town on the incapacitated individual.

Even though he pushed me I know losing control like that is a hint of what may be to come if I don't drastically attempt to reshape my life as it stands. I feel like I've been over the ex and the time for reflecting on that relationship privately needs to come to an end. I have such a strong desire to be a part of anything social again... anything is better than retreating to the mary jane... my only illegal vice at the moment. I just quit smoking cigs after a decade so I'm sure that's not helping the mood.

I'm sorry for jumping all over the place, organization has never been my strong point. I attempt to produce my crapty dance music and its definitely my largest passion regarding a creative outlet (I know they are important to have) but it does nothing to marginalize all the social activities and circles I'm not apart of any longer.

I hate my crapty temp job I've been doing for almost a year and every day is filled with a constant, nagging, anxiety that weighs my chest down. Sometimes, I am seemingly thinking about nothing too heavy and I just breakdown, usually in the car when I'm alone driving to or from work. Other times I run outside and scream so loudly and harshly it scares even me.

I always feel like the outsider looking in wherever I go, never fully part of anything and always on my own. At first I began rationalizing that losing all my friendships wouldn't be so bad because I could just go "out" and make more friends... if this was last decade I'd be right. I would tell myself that no friends would equal no letdowns but oh how wrong I was.

I live at my aunt and uncle's with my two cousins but they are regressive influences for me... they don't have jobs, screw off in school, don't do anything to help their parents around the house, all the things I was guilty for doing years ago and managed to work my way out of. I think being around them is caustic.

Sometimes I just want to pack only whatever I can get in my care in 5 minutes, withdraw all my money from the bank and just get the **** out this same city I've grown up in all my life. I can't help but wonder if running away will only compound problems... maybe the act would teach me to run anytime things get rough.

My head is a mess right now but at this point I honestly thank anyone who even bothered to read this pitiful summary of all my stupid problems. I'm not sure what I need but I know change is required or else I only see the path getting darker and with the growing frustrations the last thing I want is to keep going like this at my crapty job, hardly talking to anyone, and watching the days turn to weeks and months to seasons all while watching time fly by.

I know this is selfish and I always try to do everything for myself but I'm in desperate need of guidance. Please help if that's possible. Have a better day than me.


edit: sorry for spelling 'crappy' wrong like 6 times.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 10/26/2014 5:22:28 PM (GMT-6)

Well, JC, sounds as if you are 'reacting' to a stalled life.

As far as the anger goes, a modicum is normal, especially for a male. You're only human. I have come to believe this is just a characteristic of the modern gentleman left-over by his ancestors. Of course, this implies following society's rules, and not hurting anyone. So, feel good about the part where you deeply regret the explosion, and just as deeply realize that these violent reactions have gone too far.

It's my theory that all young adults, sooner or later, come to a realization that they need to leave their adolescence behind, and move into adult interactions. Women seem to come to this more quickly than men, but baring significant life-events, this transformation is coming later and later all the time in our culture.

So, you have a realization of your depression, dislike of your life, and repressed anger. In college, we see the possibilities of what we can do, and then by thirty or so we come to the realization that these goals, while possible, are no longer probable. In other words, we are no longer on a path that leads to our fantasy of a perfect life. This doesn't mean we are bad people, or pointless, or anything, it's just that we see that perhaps our goals were not realistic, and it's time to reassess, reorder, and find something else attainable to strive for.

Several choices are available for you. Here is what I would do.

Stop letting yourself be waylaid by the cos. It's not helpful, and is harmful.

Stop the depressants, or at least limit their use. They, too, are harmful. They feel like they would be enjoyable, and are to an extent, but they are really sending your mood down further rather than elevating it.

Learn to recognize and then stop the negative self-talk. Again, harmful to self-esteem and emotional health. Here's a little secret-Our jobs and our reality are determined by how we see them. Right now, you are determined they bite big baboon beehives, and are terrible, awful, and idiotic. Try some positive statements. And please realize, nothing is totally interesting and wonderful. Sometimes, often, life is boring and routine.

Get off of Facebook. 'Nuff said. Social networks like this do further depress already unhappy folks. NOTE-No one's life is as idyllic as it seems on facebook.

Get out and do something productive. Whatever it is. Read to old people. Tutor young ones. Join a sports team. Bike, hike, run. Join a music group. Art, Theatre, Music. Do something where you have to interact with other people.


And, of course, see your doctor. If you don't have one, FIND ONE.

Sorry for the lecture. Former professor, I cannot help myself.

Salve.

Thank you all for the replies. I live in Woodbridge, VA and will be spending today at work (plenty of downtime) to find an anger management group. Hopefully I can put up that information before I leave.

@Lisa - I try to tell myself all the time to realize that other people have problems going on all around me. I used to be big on road rage where I guess I could redirect anger towards total strangers. It seems so asinine to me now and somehow I've managed to quell this facet of anger on my own. In fact, maybe I have to deal with all this in the same way as I did road rage. At some point this last year, I've become tired. Tired of yelling, cursing, and flipping random people off just because I took them cutting me off personally. I think I might take too many things personally. What is the need to do so? I know reality doesn't revolve around me.. like I said before I usually feel I'm out in the fringes, everyone's attention pointing completely opposite of my position. Perhaps this is all really about not knowing what I want. Thanks so much for your kindness.

@Salve - amazed by all the insight so far. I can tell I'm talking to experienced people and I'm grateful to be exposed. I've never felt like I've transitioned to full adulthood... always wondering how long i will keep thinking of myself as an adolescent. I get so much anxiety when I look around and at first glance, even people younger than me see more in tune with things, more mature like I missed something so important to my life its left me fumbling where others prevail. I notice myself wincing when carefree spirits show up with their love for the world and no chip on the shoulder kind of attitude. Another part of me also is very happy for them that they can have that perspective on life... or maybe it's because he/her hasn't yet experienced a time in life when the foundations take artillery. You mentioning college life and reality that transpires after reminds me of the friend I mentioned. He said he's learning that it's important to manage our expectations. I truly believe that I can be more relatively successful than I am now, and I don't know what the limits are. I agree with needing to find something that involves being around other people. Lately it's all been making music by myself, running by myself, just everything. Don't worry one bit about the lecture, it was informative and straight forward, thanks much.

@GettingBy - I wish we were free to openly discuss any and all aspects of drugs but I understand why that can't really be tolerated. I'm glad that medical mary has affected you positively, I'm too dependent on it. I hate fights whether they be verbal or physical and believe it or not they scare me. The feeling of being treaded upon by a stranger is enough to keep me up at night. I've been physically jerked around in the past, people who have done things simply because they are bigger or stronger. When a new situation arises, they trigger all the hopeless feelings I had in past instances and maybe the best analogy is backing a cat into a corner or something. It's still hard to pin down concerning that example which part of the guy's doing that made me snap. I don't know if it was attempting to take something of mine without my permission or if it was the shove but my mind didn't seem to be made up until he put his hands on me. props to anyone who is able to control themselves and not hit back, I'm not so sure that's something I'll ever be able to do.

I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist probably about 7 years ago with ADHD, Depression, and bipolar. He put me on a combination of lithium + lexapro. I remember most days feeling a sort of somberness that was very different and I've never been able to put into words how the meds actually made me feel. I ended up stopping the meds, myself, because I finished community college and got into a 4 year program. While feeling better about myself was a large reason why I stopped, it was also due to the side effects that had me running to the bathroom out of nowhere (that caused plenty of anxiety on its own).

Regarding facebook, I don't really use the thing much, just mainly posting new music projects from soundcloud. I was using it yesterday to specifically try to gauge when my social life began to take a nose dive.

I don't mean to scare anyone but I knew if I didn't post the truth about my anger issues and give an example, people might be more dismissive of it. The example I gave was very extreme.

I don't know if this should be reserved only for a therapist or counseling or whatnot but looking back at childhood I recall an encounter with an elementary school bully at recess. We were all playing touch football and another student came to play who was an older kid, like the bully. The other kid was nice but the bully tried to make excuses on this one day on how the other kid couldn't join our games anymore... I think because the other kid was just as big, just as fast, and stole his thunder. I told the bully after listening to him go on and on about the other kid that he was going to be playing and we could take a vote on it... next thing I know I'm staring up at the sky on the ground, various kids' faces all looking down at me around my peripherals and the bully on top of me giving me my first pounding. Everyone just stared. I couldn't get the goon off me for what felt like an eternity of struggling. Finally, I gave up and almost relaxed during it all. I remember everything around me fading and only the sky left in focus and I remember what I began telling myself: this boy is having his way with me now, but I'll be back. The feeling of knowing I would get my revenge was comforting, especially while being hit and before teachers finally arrived to stop the show, laughter had set in. I told myself: he doesn't know he needs to follow through and just kill me right then for his own future safety. The boy's family moved later that school year and I never got the opportunity to pay him back. The scales would never regain equilibrium.

Fast forward to middle school, 7th grade. One school morning my parents had found out a homework assignment of mine was not finished and I was struck by my father on the second floor and I bounced down 16 steps. I remember laying there while my parents yelled at me to get up quickly before I missed the bus. The same feelings of revenge swelled up as I lay there, feeling strange and alone in the house I grew up in with the parents I loved. That evening after school I tucked away a machete under my pillow and prayed that my father would give me the excuse to use it on him. I hated him for many years.

There's so much more tucked away... this is the first time I've actually wanted to tell someone all this bad history. I want to see some sort of counselor and try to talk about things but I have strong resignations about wanting to get back on medications for their side effects.

Thanks for the book recommendation.

Jet, you are right about my daughter, so knowing we can't really discuss certain things about use, this is really when she changed as a person, she always had a little anger and always wanting things her way, but I know it has progressively became worse, she says she uses weed to help her anxiety but from what I see it doesn't help anything, but weed is the least of my worries with her.

I do know there is a psychiatric condition called "drug related mood disorder", which I believe they may have changed the terminology since then, just in my mind I believe people do certain things to medicate themselves because they don't see a doctor, some don't have insurance, some are in denial and some may not even realize they need professional help. I hope this discussion is within the guidelines.

I have watched the show "snapped" on many occasions, and it seems like most people will say about the "snappee" they were such a nice person, or have you ever heard the expression "you got to watch the quiet ones", even someone like me that doesn't display anger has feelings of anger from time to time, but I have to keep it in control, because if I were to "let her go" It would probably be years of built up suppression and that would be a bad thing.

Glad you got some helpful responses!

I agree Trina, I know anger is a natural feeling at times, but thankfully I have never ever wanted to hurt a living being, so even though I know "snapped" is a T.V show, it is not scripted whatsoever, it is real life events where someone just snaps, and believe me the outcome is usually life in prison, typically the people tend to have underlying issues with greed, and wanting to rid themselves of someone for a life insurance policy or some such foolishness.

Hopefully my comment did not come across as me being an angry person, because I really am not, but I also know a person has a breaking point, and I usually take out the anger on myself.

Your admonishment is good, and I understand holding feelings inside is not always a good thing to do, I don't believe you will see me on a "snapped" episode anytime soon.