Severely depressed whilst working abroad.

I'm currently in Mauritius working as a muralist for 6 weeks, I'm 1 week in and am feeling the lowest I've felt in years.
I work 6 days a week and have Sunday off, when I first got here I was little homesick but I expected that and thought it would go away within a day or two like it usually does when I'm on holiday or when I worked at a summer camp on America a few years ago.

Instead of getting better, I seem to have done the exact opposite and plunged into a pit of despair. I wake up early at 6am feeling incredibly panicked and stressed with a tight chest, throughout the day I feel trapped and on the verge of tears. I have no motivation to do the work but I have to go in and pretend I'm feeling okay everyday. I cried at work the other day, then I go back to my apartment and because there isn't much to do apart from use the weak wifi, I don't really look forward to nights either cause I can't relax. I'm torn between wanting to go out and take my mind off it, and staying in because the thought of feigning happiness is exhausting. The people I'm out here with are really friendly but they're all older, more mature and way more independent than me, I've hinted how I feel and whilst they sympathise there and then, I don't think they really know what it feels like and therefore can't help, so I tend to just put on a brave face whilst inside I honestly feel like my heart is being compressed.

If I was going home next week I'd feel better but knowing I've got 5 more weeks of work feeling like this is frightening. I miss home so much, if I had my bf out here with me I'd feel 100% better because it would comfort me and I'd enjoy myself more.
I feel silly because this is most amazing opportunity and I am so lucky to be here, I have work friends back home who are so jealous of me. I am constantly on the verge of tears, I've been trying positive thinking but the negative weight in the back of my throat is too powerful. Yesterday we went ziplining and quadbiking which are things that I love, and for the moments of time I was doing them it was a brief respite from the profound sadness im feeling.

I feel trapped in this country, I can't go home until the 6 weeks is up because that's when I have to work until and when my flight is booked, but the 10 year old child in me wants to go home now. Desperately. I feel awful.

I don't know what anyone on here can do for me but it's nice to talk to people who may understand the sheer awfulness of what I'm going through.

It's not so much thoughts that I get, it's a general overwhelming feeling of anxiety and despair, something I feel I can't control because it feels chemical and not a thought process. What meditation techniques do you recommend? I've tried deep breathing but it doesn't work.

I do talk to them but they really don't understand and I don't want to bore them with how I feel because its constant. There's no break from it. One of them says I have the right attitude to overcome it which she thinks is great but she's mentioned she doesn't like when people mope around because they drain all the positive energy, so I don't feel I can really talk to her.

I do have a boyfriend, it would just be lovely to have him here for support, I thrive off reassurance so having somebody who knows and loves me would make the world of difference.

I think I will be posting on here a lot to cope.


Thanks

Sarah,

Meditation and mindfullness are great skills to use while you are there. Try writing down how you feel also. While you are away is the best time to start journaling and having a place to dump your feelings and say anything you want to say and/or feel.

When you get back home, you might want to talk to your doc about how your feel when traveling.

You may want to reconsider, and find a job that does not call for so much traveling, although this would be a great loss as it is a good opportunity to see so much of the world.

I wish you well, you are always welcome to post here.

Peace and comfort
Trina

Sarah,

I think walking would give you a sense of purpose and not make you feel even more lost. Set a time limit on it and pick a destination. It really is good for the mind and body.

I wish you the best. Have a happy Sunday!!!

Hugs, Karen...

Lisa, I'm 23. Yes I've been on a few different meds in the past (sertraline, citalopram and fluoxetine) but they never really worked and I didn't stay on them. However, my depression and anxiety has never been as bad as this.
Today I spent the morning having what I would call a panic attack, I couldn't breathe properly, my chest felt like lead and I was crying, so I asked a workmate to take me to the doctors. I have to see a specialist tomorrow morning but the doctors prescribed me Xanax for now too.

I've had a terrible day really, and suddenly at about 5:30pm I perked up a little bit and had a bit more positive energy in me, my boss even noticed it (he knows how I feel). They do know about my depression here but there's only so much they can do and say.

You're right, I am an artist and I've heard that said before. The reason I'm on this forum is because it's a way of writing down how I feel, so I guess I'm already on board with that idea. Thanks for talking with me on here.

Sarah

Trina,

My job involves art, I spend 10 hours a day painting, thats what's making this so hard. Having to go to work and pretend I'm okay is the worst.

I went to bed feeling fine last night, woke up in a horribly anxious state this morning, then felt better in the day and then around 6pm I hit rock bottom again. The specialist has delayed the appt until tomorrow evening.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I want to go home so bad but I can't let my friends/employers down. I feel trapped and don't know how to deal with how I feel. I keep trying suggestions people have given me to control it but the pressure in my throat feels too strong and overwhelms me. It's weird because when I feel better everything becomes so much more bearable but when I'm like this... I want to drive to the airport and go home.
I have 4 and a half weeks to go... unbearable.