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Posted 10/30/2014 11:22 PM (GMT 0)
So I think I have finally sunk that low after fighting depression since I was 16 along with anxiety and now depersonalization, I am not sure how much more I can take.

I have been on the 30 mg dose of mirtrizapine for around 12 days now and I changed my anti-anxiety medicine from klonzapan to xanax yesterday but I feel even more depressed.

Right now I cant see a way out of this pit, I am not sure what I have done to deserve all of this but I just don't want to be here any more suffering this way.

I asked God for help so many times but I guess I am not worth helping in his eyes.

I really hope each and every one of you are feeling good and having more good days then bad.

Best wishes

Sean
Posted 10/31/2014 12:51 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Sean,

I know that things are bad right now but they do get better. I have been where you are and things are always getting better. A med switch can always make things bad again, but once the meds all level out things will be better again. I am having break through anxiety and although it is a little uncomfortable I know that things are getting better. They will for you too my friend. Stay strong.
Posted 10/31/2014 10:18 AM (GMT 0)
got to give those meds a chance sean. i do hope you feel better soon. healing thoughts i send.
Posted 10/31/2014 10:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Sean,

I take Xanax and it helps a lot. I am on a really low dose now. I am only taking one 1/4 mg a day. I use to take 4 mg a day. So that is a significant decrease... It really helps with anxiety though. So I think you will come to like it.

Hang in there, don't give up yet. Give the new medications some time to work. It often takes a few weeks when you do a switch.

I just increased my pristiq and I haven't felt an improvement yet, but I am sure it is to come.

I hope that you feel better soon. Know we are all here for you Sean...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 10/31/2014 10:11 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Sean-

I am so sorry to hear this. I think a call to your consultant is in order. In the old days, they would put a person on the hospital while getting meds adjusted. Sometimes I wish that would still happen. I think you'd benefit from having daily or weekly contact with your consultant. Are they still doing home visits?

I know you feel so low but I promise you God is not punishing you nor forsaking you. I too have had conflicts with my faith this year for the very same reasons you are but something in my gut will not allow me not to believe.

There is a gal in the anxiety forum that has been posting there for almost a year. Her posts have always been desperate and painful w/terrible anxiety, physical pains, questioning God and med switches. She just posted yesterday she's FINALLY healing and never lost sight of her God & giving Him all her praises. That WILL be you. And me!

Please believe that. No one lives like what we are going through for long and by that I mean that there is ALWAYS a resolution getting the right med, progress in therapy, time etc. what I DON'T mean is taking your life in your own hands. If you feel that frightened and desperate, get yourself to your hospital asap. There is no shame checking yourself in if you feel you're at rock bottom. No shame at all.

We all love you and support you and as an outsider looking in, I KNOW there is healing and normalcy for you. Many of us have struggled longer & worse than we ever had before this year. It's been a crappy season as we both know.

I am having better days. I'm not "there" yet but time is starting to heal things for me. I'm still not sure I'm on the right antidepressant but im giving it some time.

If that gal in the anxiety forum can heal, it's my belief that ANYONE can heal.

Stay in touch and keep posting. I'm praying for you and I believe in you & your healing.

With love,
Lisa
Posted 11/1/2014 12:23 AM (GMT 0)
Sean I have definitely been where you are.....when I was in my twenties I hit the lowest point in my depression and it had me to the point where all I could do was stare at the clock and get through each minute....I was in sooo much pain I couldn't stand it.......finally the pdoc found the right antidepressant....after lots of what felt like hopeless false starts finally I was slowly lifted out and for the first time in my life felt what I presume would be close to normal. I wont say my life has been a bed of roses since but I remember finding the seed of a thought within that wanted to hang in there....I remember thinking there are still people for me to meet, maybe a partner to meet, maybe a child that needs to be born etc....and it was that little thought that kept me going. I'm so glad I hung in there....I do now have a beautiful little girl who is 6 and although I am having some recurring issues with depression/anxiety now that I'm working through Ive had 17years since that low point. Please hold on and live hour by hour if you have to until you find the light......this too shall pass. You are so strong that you have come this far and you WILL look back on this when you start feeling better. The drugs can take some weeks sometimes to start taking effect....keep posting on here and let us know how your doing. You are not alone. Hugs.
Posted 11/1/2014 12:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Michael,

I used to suffer terribly from depression. I just felt empty inside. people would laugh and joke but I just couldnt see the funny side. It was like there was a vacuum where nice feelings used to be.

What I have learned through Dr Claire Weekes teachings is that really I was emotionally fatigued. I was exhausted. And I was making myself mor exhausted by dwelling on it. I stopped fighting my anxiety and although I still have low leveñ anxiety I no longer suffer from agoraphobia, and am a much more confident person.

I suggest you give yorself permission to feel how you feel but do NOT dwell on it. Try and get involved in an activity, reading a book, going for a walk, etc. This will give your mind a reak from the constant introspection. If you constantly dwell on how bad you feel yuoll make yourself more exhausted and the depression will get worse.

I know you feel tired but trust me you still have energy.

Youll be ok mate hang in there!

Jon
Posted 11/1/2014 1:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Jonrecovering-

Have you ever experienced depersonalizations/derealization? Sean has struggled with it since a bad panic attack back in February. I had it off & on for a few months myself this year during my struggle.

Do you have any suggestions for it from experience or research? It's such a mystery and very upsetting symptom.

Sean has tried different medications, as have I this year, to quell this crap. Neither one of us have ever struggled this long. I'm improving but Sean seems stuck. I'm in weekly therapy but I don't believe Sean is. I find socializing and getting out of my house helps as much as anything. His consultant did tell him he should go back to work bc he's thinking too much about it and feeding it (it's hard not to when you feel like an alien every day).

I'm speaking for him in case he can't. He's become a dear friend we care about from this forum.

Sending everyone much love & peace-
Lisa
Posted 11/1/2014 1:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lisa,

Of course I used to suffer very bad from depersonalization and feeling sof unreality.

You feel like youve fallen apart. Like pieces of a jig-saw puzzle. Like your feelings, thoughts, and actions are not working in harmony.

You might pick up a cup and think is that my hand holding the cup, and wonder is your hand even attached to your body.

You look at the world around you and think it looks strange. You feel like youre not living in the real wordl anymore. Apart from other people. These feelings can make you very frightened and think youre going crazy.

Unreality is result of too much anxious brooding with the state youre in. If you experience these feelings of unreality remember they are not important. And definitely not the start of a mental breakdown.

It is because of mental and emotional fatigue. Simply put youre tired, and cant get your thinking or your emotions straight. So have no faith in these strange feelings instead focus on calming down and resting.

Youll get better but you must take the stress off yourse.f!

Job
Posted 11/1/2014 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all of your time and caring to post on here, it means so much to me.

I went back to hospital and told them that Xanax was not for me so they are putting me back on Klonzepam which sort of blunts the anxiety. I tried taking just 15 mg of Mirtrizapine last night to see if it made me feel any better today but I dont tbh but hey I am still alive and have not lost my mind as I would not be able to write on here lol.

I have a gig to get through tonight and then I have a two week break before my next one so I hope the Mirtrizapine kicks in by then.

I keep having the most vivid dreams and waking up sweating but I am sure this is all because of increase in tablets, it will be two weeks today on 30 mg.

I have to keep fighting no matter what, I cant ever give up because then what kind of inspiration would I be to any of you lol Im just joking.

I hope each and every one of you have the best weekend ever :)
Posted 11/1/2014 3:25 PM (GMT 0)
You are an inspiration to us Sean. Never forget that. I see you getting better a little at a time, that is how it seems to work. You keep trying despite what you are going through. That means a lot...

I wish you the best with your gig tonight. Try to enjoy it... You are making many people happy...

Hugs, Karen...

Jon, welcome to the forum...
Posted 11/2/2014 1:16 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone,

Today was a bad day, I felt so disconnected and in a dreamlike state but somehow I still did the gig, I wasnt with it though but now at least I know I don't have a gig for about two weeks so I have to get better by then.

I am struggling to cope but I am taking inspiration from all of the people on this site, you have all been through so much and I respect you for fighting it.

I really hope there is a better life after this with no suffering.

Hugs everyone

Sean
Posted 11/2/2014 2:21 AM (GMT 0)
You got through the gig- that is a major accomplishment. My M.O. would be to bail out and you've never done that. THAT inspires ME!!!

I pray for peace for you this weekend and good sleep. We aren't leaving you and we WILL be here to keep carrying until this bullcrap passes and it WILL.

Sending love-
Lisa
Posted 11/2/2014 10:54 PM (GMT 0)
I did bail out for one gig this year but I guess that is not too bad, I am going to try going back to work this week to see if that makes a difference, I don't feel like it but I think my brain needs the diversion and then the DP will ease.

Thanks for being there everyone, Lisa, Karen & and everyone else, how was your weekend?

Hugs

Sean
Posted 11/3/2014 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sean,

Congrats on the gig you just did!!! I think that you have a good idea of going back to work. Take it slow... One step at a time.

How is your weather? It has been cold here. Suppose to be sunny tomorrow, and a little warmer. Yay!!! Do you get snow in the winter?

Curious...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 11/3/2014 1:06 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sean!

My weekend was pretty good. Nothing special but fairly relaxing. I'm catching up on my murder mystery shows that I have not been able to watch ALL year- well since this !%#! started. I just couldn't. I guess that indicates some healing?! It might not be the best thing to watch lol but I've always enjoyed murder mysteries. I would have made a good detective people tell me smilewinkgrin My adult dream is to be one, ha!

Sean- I really hope you'll go back to work. It's time to try. Remember your consultant suggested that a month or so ago. I'm here to tell you routine and getting out has always helped me. My hardest struggles are when I have too much time on my hands. My home that I love hasn't been the most comfortable place this year but when I get out or go away, it's starting to feel less of a trap and more like it should feel.

Keep us updated. We aren't going anywhere until you get better!

Karen-
Yay for warmer temps- same here. I meant to bring my begonias in last night as they were still blooming large blooms but I forgot & they froze :( I didn't really have room for them but I considered trying to make room. Oh well.

Sending peace to everyone!
Lisa
Posted 11/3/2014 6:15 AM (GMT 0)
Sean

I know it is hard but do not give up, the days of light are just around the bend for you. It will get better. Things take time. Depression takes time to get a grip on and it is a battle but we'll worth it. I promise.
Posted 11/3/2014 9:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Karen - I went back today but I was just there for a couple of hours as my computer needs to be re-set up so I am going back on Wednesday. Weather has really turned cold over here in UK the last couple of days....brrrrr

Hey Lisa - I am glad to hear that you had a nice weekend and was able to catch up on your tv shows, it is little things like that, that you really miss being just able to do without your mind keep reverting back to how you are feeling every two seconds. Hope you okay

Hey Jessica - Thank you for your kind words, I am still here and I am not giving up. I have to believe that I can have a normal life once again and I think going back to work is going to play an important part of that. Are you okay?

Hugs everyone
Posted 11/3/2014 10:14 PM (GMT 0)
Sean,

Things for me are getting better, I just have to believe in that. Things get bad for me this time of the year just wish it was over already is all. Lol I am such a grinch. Stay strong hun things will iron out
Posted 11/5/2014 11:03 AM (GMT 0)
'slow and steady wins the race'. that's my motto / mantra and i'm sticking to it!!! keep strong. here for ya.
Posted 11/5/2014 11:55 AM (GMT 0)
One thing has helped me a lot is not trying to force myself to feel happy but to instead try to relax and then in time good feelings come back!

Jon
Posted 11/13/2014 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone,

Sorry for late replies I was not being rude I promise.

How is everyone? Jessica I am glad you are getting better :)

I just got my blood test results back yesterday and it shows that I may have an underactive thyroid and do you know what can be the symptoms of having that? Basically everything I have been going through for past 8 months. This could be the break through I have been waiting for so bad. I researched the web and you would not believe the amount of people who thought that they was losing their mind and had depersonlization it was all down to an underactive thyroid.

I have to see my consultant tomorrow so he can compare my last test results to see what the levels were like but if it is that, then it can be fixed with tablets and maybe just maybe I will be the guy I once was again.

Please pray that I do have that as it will answer so many questions and fears.

Hugs everyone

Sean
Posted 11/13/2014 7:58 PM (GMT 0)
Wow Sean,

Maybe that is why the medications weren't seeming to help. I hope you find the answers.

How have you been other wise? Have you been doing any gigs? What is your weather like?

How all is well for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 11/13/2014 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
Sean- I've prayed for you daily for a long time now. I was JUST thinking of you & popped on here and saw that you'd replied today. Funny how that works!

For the first time, I actually pray this is a (treatable) physical ailment!!!! I've heard that about thyroid issues.

Sean- do keep us posted on your bloodwork etc. and tell us what's been going on!

Sending much love!
Lisa
Posted 11/13/2014 10:07 PM (GMT 0)
Sean-

I have an under active thyroid and the symptoms mimic so many other things like depression. When it was discovered that I had one, my doc immediately put me on an anti depressant and I've been on them for 15 years.

I have a wonderful endocronologist! She doesn't care if your results are in the normal range. She wants to know how I feel and adjusts meds based on that too. We all have our different magic balance.

Good luck with your journey. Keep us posted!!
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