Close to a breakdown

i just don't know how much more I can take right now. I feel like I'm close to mentally breaking down. The only thing preventing that currently is my husband. I just keep going from one medical problem to the next, I'm in pain and no one is really doing anything about it. Except I have surgery on January 5th to see if I have endometriosis. I'm having the pain I had when I had the bile duct stricture again but my labs are coming up normal so gi won't do anything but are sending me to the surgeon for second opinion.

On top of that I really want to talk to my mom but unfortunately my parents passed away (mom in May, dad in August), so I can't do that. I miss her.

I do see a therapist weekly, I see her Wednesday. And I see my psychiatrist in a few weeks.

Thank you. I'm trying to hang in but it's getting harder and harder.

Oh, Sweetie,

We've chatted before, so I'm somewhat familiar with your issues.  I just want to convey my continued moral support for you.  As for the loss of your mom and your dad...That is MUCH for anyone with deaths so close together and so recent.  I am again, SO SORRY for your grief and loss.  Do you have siblings?  If so, perhaps y'all can lean on one another.  If, like my husband, you are an only child...It can be both a blessing and a curse at times like these. Yours is a painful "new normal" emotionally.  I know that your therapist is a Godsend.  Just talk with him/her and reach out as needed during this holiday season, keeping this beast of sadness at bay.  THIS simply must be your most difficult Christmas ever.  You will get through it, but I don't sugarcoat.  It will be gut wrenching=(

Try to be cognizant of the sadness creeping in and try to nip it in the bud.  I have to work very hard to stay in the NOW and celebrate what remains vs. meditating upon what (who) is lost.  I, like you, have a supportive husband.  I'm much older, but not necessarily wiser.  I suffer with debilitating pain (similar to yours) also, which affects my desire to do ANYTHING, much less celebrate.  All I want to do is cry.  Often I do just that...a big ole ugly cry...purge the sadness from my system.  Then move forward, as that's the only direction God gives us.

I'm heartsick that you want your mother.  Talk to her in spirit.  She's there.  My mom, though still alive, was NEVER a loving mother...so she never provided comfort.  I've always "needed" a mom, but never had one.  I'm sorry, Babygirl.

I'm here if you need me and through email.

HUGS~~Dixie

Oh, sweetie...the similarities continue for you and me=)  I am the youngest of 6.  I am 53 (the baby) with my oldest sister being 67.  Our "relationships" are distant, at best.  I long for closeness with sisters who live nearby, but they don't want that.  My siblings are so very opposite of me.  They are self-absorbed HUA individuals who could care less about me (or my wicked old birth mother).  I am solely responsible for oversight of her care.  My sibs won't even return my texts or calls.  It all BLEW UP last night when I made an unexpected visit to the center where my 88 year old mom lives.  Due to the condition of her and her room, I had a "Come to Jesus" with staff that continues tonight.

This has FLARED the shingles virus in my face, scalp, and eye.  The stress is going to kill me, literally.  Even my doctor warns me of it slamming the lid of my coffin.  I often cry out to God...WHY???  I feel like Job.  I would go and sit in the ashes, but my match is wet...can't even start the fire.

I know this doesn't provide you comfort, but maybe you can just be HAPPY that you aren't me=)  Take care, Darling.  Use your entire arsenal of distraction techniques and mindfulness.  You'll get through this if you keep a strong will and a sense of humor.

I'm here for ya!

Dixie