I'm coming to the end of my fight and I've got no energy left to combat it.

HUGS and I'm so sorry for all your pain.

Are you on meds for depression? It's not a cure all but it could help you get back on your feet. Counseling will help, too, and if you see the right therapist, it can help very quickly.

Exercise, eating well, and all that stuff will help you, I know you don't want to hear that, I certainly never do but it is the truth.

There's no magic bullet, trust me I wish there was. Have you tried hypnosis? It's also not a cure all, but the few times I've done it, I really enjoyed it - to me it's more relaxing than a massage (which I can't really get because of my chronic pain, so hypnosis is my equivalent of a massage).

As far as a job, there are opportunities to do work online, even some sites will pay you to take surveys - survey monkey, for example, has a feature for people who do surveys where they can pay to get respondents, and because of that, survey monkey pays people to respond. Stuff like that, there are lots of opportunities but never get involved in one that asks YOU to pay money up front.

Do you have any talents or interests as far as crafts? A lot of people are successful with Etsy stores. I have zero talents when it comes to that kind of stuff, but a friend of mine JUST started one selling custom reclaimed signs and she's already had like 35 orders in the space of two weeks.

Maybe you can set little goals for yourself? I.e. go out for a ten minute walk every other day or something? something not overwhelming but for me it feels really good when I accomplish a goal.

Anyway, this is all easy for me to say. It won't ease your pain but hopefully knowing that you have others to talk to will help a bit.

Again, I'm sorry for all your pain, this is a vicious disease.

I had some of the very same feelings, for what seems like most of last year! So I do understand what you are saying, , your partner has loved you for 20 years, how wonderful that must be to have someone genuinely care for you.

I had to change my eating habits recently when I found out my cholesterol was a little high, and this is my 7th day of eating healthy and I must say I feel so much better without all the wrong foods I was craving and they seemed to comfort me.

I know walking helps greatly as someone said, it figures as soon as I get the "get up and go" to walk that the weather will not cooperate.

People see something positive in you because their is something positive about you, I believe sometimes it is easier to shut people off then to let them in, or for me it is, I think I was resisting getting better in some respects because I spiraled down so far, but there is hope and I know the feelings you are feeling are very painful.

My heart goes out to you, and the others who posted gave some very good suggestions for you, please take care.

Nice post Memphis. Mindfulness is really a good way to go. You can find pleasure in such simple things. That is such a gift...

Hi Brendaboo,

Looks like you are feeling a little better with this last med change... I am happy for you.

Hugs, Karen...

Thank you all for your swift replies, kind words, and support, however I now feel such a fake as I'm not as bad as you all have perceived. I'll try and explain better. Don't get me wrong, I'm desperate and terribly sad, but I too understand that things could be a lot worse, however that is no consolation as I still feel lost and scared. I'm going to try and answer you all collectively and I hope I don't ignore anyone. I have been on medication, it was called Zoloft. My partner has been asking me to start retaking them as she's certain they helped me. My issue with this is that they put on weight and interfere with libido, which is a real concern anyway.
I walk and go to the gym, in fact I am fitter than many. I know this seems a contradiction but we all have our different levels of what we perceive to be fit and healthy, and in my eyes I'm deteriorating rapidly compared to how I was as a young man. I walk 9 km a day, 3 days a week, and visit the gym 4 times week. Please don't consider me a fraud - contacting this group has already made me realise that things could be a lot worse, and I'm sorry if I've insulted anyone, it wasn't intentional.
I have visited many therapists but have found them all to be of little help. Yes, I've "enjoyed" speaking to them and have no problems in expressing how I feel to them, but there is no quick fix, I wish there was. Text book questions with text book replies leading to text book diagnosis, I'm afraid. Hypnosis isn't something I've considered, plus I'm sure it would mean spending money that I so need just to survive.
It's the feeling of doom thats ruining my life. I fall asleep immediately because I'm always tired, but then spend half the night awake worrying. Worrying about what, I know deep down I'm lucky compared to many, but I just can't stop worrying. It's a fear of death, a fear of illness, fear of getting old, fear of solitude, and I just can't stop!! I have reasonable insight into the problem, but however much I try to be positive and happy I just can't. I sometimes fear going to bed because I know that these thoughts are going to be there to torment me when I wake.
As far as the job situation is concerned, the problem lies more with society than with me, but this doesn't make the situation any easier. In the world of commerce and employment I'm a dinosaur that has no use in the work place. There's no point in disputing the fact, and I too know that the mature person can offer experience, stability, etc etc but it doesn't change the reality.
So to summarise, I exercise and eat healthily, ridiculous amounts, but healthily. I don't smoke, drink alcohol or partake in drugs. Andrologists and Endocrinologists both have recognised a hormone problem which causes the mood swings and confusion. I suffer with high blood pressure and shocking vertigo, and because of my size my joints and bones constantly ache, plus I'm not at all flexible. A testosterone that I was prescribed enlarged the prostate which now means I need the loo dozens of times a day. I know none of these things are life threatening and I know that maybe I should just put up and shut up, but I can't. All these little ailments put together make my life horrible. As I wrote before, I'm sorry if this offends anyone, especially if you are going through serious bad health and I ask you not to think badly of me.
To the person who asked me if I have interests. Like a lot of unhappy and discontent people, I find solace in collecting things and have a terrible addictive personality. I have managed to spend a whole inheritance on various hobbies hoping that they would give me the happiness that I so want, but of course, that didn't work. All it does is frustrate the people, who for some unknown reason, still love me, but for how long, I don't know. Thank you for listening, I hope no one thinks of me as fraud.

Appreciated

fenice,

Hope things are looking a bit brighter for you today

a support group is once of the best things I did in the last 3 years.
Being with people, getting to know them and make relationships with some of them, that have issues like mine has been a blessing.

One of the best coping skills out there. Mindfullness, music, art walking all help.

Peace
Trina

Hi Fenice,

Welcome! Just knowing we are not alone is one of the biggest helps to me. I also do not tolerate meds well. The ones that I've tried gave me Vertigo so I know how you feel! Worry is like a rocking chair, you can wear yourself out with a lot of movement, but get nowhere! I use a passage from the Bible, Philippians 4:6 - 8. I also have an emotional support animal. She "gets me". No judgement from her, just a lot of warmth and affection. She helps me with a schedule as I do not work either. As for work, perhaps you could mentor a young person, share your lifetime of experience, offer to tutor someone, etc. We are still useful members of society. Hope to see more from you....

It's going to seem that I'm determined to see things only in a negative way, as I have an argument contrary to all the good advice that you've all been friendly enough to donate. You know, I too can quote a list of inspirational lines, but reality is not text book. As for being a mentor, blind leading the blind comes to mind. I wouldn't want anyone to take inspiration from me as I'm just a walking disaster. I also live in a country where these types of services just aren't available. I live in probably the most selfish country in Europe with very little social conscience. Mental Health problems are taboo and "nutters" are not tolerated particularly well. This country is Italy, by the way. The perception that Italians are warm caring people is so very, very wrong. There is no help, nor can you readily offer it, so the mentor idea goes straight out the window.
Apart from that, I need to work. I'm pretty sure that with a job I'd feel less of a hindrance, however the unhappiness would still remain. I just want to be happy!!!
I hate to always be so negative. I promise that I'm going to make the effort to at least sound content. My attitude must be getting boring.

Thanks once again. The worrying thing for me is, that if truth be known, I have so, so much in my life and still this feeling of doom and confusion torments. I have two grown up boys who appear happy, my partner is beautiful, caring, intelligent and loving, I live by the sea in a country that has sun shine at least 6 months of the year. Yes, I have my physical health issue, but there obviously nothing compared to some of you lovely people. I'm truly embarrassed of my behaviour, and from now on will promise to be more positive, even if I have to pretend. The first time I wrote things were really bad. I've never had real suicidal thoughts, but to arrive at a conclusion that I'm no use to anyone is very real. I'm tired of struggling, but fight it I will.
I wish you all my sincere best wishes.

I'm new here fenice, and I don't know if your allowed to plug books. but what seems to be working just now for me is "The depression cure" by Dr Steve IIardi. He covers strategies for fighting depression, omega -3 supplementation,anti-rumination activity,exercise sunlight exposure,social connection, and healthy sleep and he plugs this sight(thats how I got to know about it) All I can say is at the moment it's working for me.

I've had the suggestion to "act 'as if'", act as if I were 'normal', suit up and show up, stuff like that. I can be depressed anywhere, so I might as well go and try to participate in life. I never know when that 'happy switch' will get turned on. I don't reach for 'happy' so much anymore as I reach for 'content'. It was also suggested to me to get a kitchen timer, set it for 15 minutes and have my 'pity party' but when the bell goes off, get up and do something constructive. Wash the dishes, sweep the floor, clean out a drawer, take a shower, etc. When the task is done if I still feel lousy I reset the timer and repeat as necessary. This has gotten me through more days than I can count. Try it, it may help.