I'm slipping

Can you just feel it when you start to slip down into a deep hole? The one we all slip down in to, where it feels like there's no return.

I can, and it's happening now. I feel myself start to slowly isolate and hold things in, put up my false 'everything is grand' front, etc., etc.

I was admitted to the hospital last week after visiting the ER because I thought I had a bladder infection ... I have chronic pain and other conditions so my visits to the ER are VERY infrequent - they don't like to deal with people like me - but this time I was pretty sure it was going to be "here's some anti-biotics, follow-up with your doctor". Anyway it wasn't and three days later I just left, no new information than I had when I went in.

That I think is triggering something. I just want to go to sleep. or cry. But definitely isolate. :/ I know everyone says force yourself not to but I'm ALWAYS forcing myself not to and I'm SICK of it!

Strange. are they finding any infection in your body? Why did they keep you? Did you leave on your own or were you dismissed by the doc?

I hope you find out what is going on.

Hugs, Karen...

Karen, I thought it was strange that they admitted me, too. I think they were scared I was going to have a full-blown ballistic screaming match with them if they didn't, because when they came and told me my urine didn't show an infection, I sort of insisted they send it out rather than just do the dip test.

The symptoms came on so suddenly and I had never, ever had them before. So I thought it was a pretty reasonable thing, to go to the ER.

I live in a very cold, dreary northern state and am making a plan with my husband and family to move somewhere the sun shines more than 3 months a year. It really makes a difference for me.

So, my story is a lot like everyone else's. I have this disease, have my whole life, and go through various phases of ups and downs. More downs than ups.

My depression meds are Effexor, 150mg/day and Lamictil 150 mg / 2x day. It took about 5-6 combinations before we found that one. My psychiatrist is a god send, she is what I call a "chemical mastermind" in that if one med doesn't work for me, she identifies the enzymes it acts on and chooses another one that acts on a different enzyme. She really takes the approach that there are subtle differences to meds even if they are in the same class.

I also take Xanax PRN, and pain meds :(

I mostly have posted on the chronic pain board, but you all seem so friendly that I decided to come over here and not keep posting about my depression on that board.

I had urgency, frequency, burning and a TON of pain, like, crying and curling up in a ball pain. My husband says he's never seen me that bad. On our drive to the hospital I literally could not carry on a conversation with him. I told him to talk about something else to distract me but after a few minutes I just couldn't even speak anymore.

:(

They did an abdominal CT and everything was 'normal'. But I don't even know, does that show your bladder? I read the report and it didn't say anything about my bladder.

Anyway, I spent a lot of time in the hospital crying, and everyone looking at me like I was crazy, at one point a nurse asked me if I'd like to see a spiritual or emotional counselor. I refused the offer. I was scared they'd want me admitted to the psych ward.

I'm doing okay today. I just hate, hate, hate this disease. It is robbing me and my family of so much. I wish I could type a string of strong swear words that would demonstrate my hatred for what's ruining me. Every time I feel like I'm coming up from its clutches, it pulls me back down again. It's like the disease itself is playing a cruel game with me.

But somehow I'm still here and find a way to swat away those awful thoughts of leaving this world forever.

Hang in there BTL. If I had a rope I would throw it down to you.
Hugs