I'm coming to the end of my fight and I've got no energy left to combat it.

Oh I fake it alright, so much so you'd never know. Tanned in the summer, dressed designer top to bottom, and a much younger a beautiful woman on my arm. I look as if I've not a worry in the world, big bank balance, and the confidence oozes. If only people knew the truth. Your suggestions are all helpful and I will certainly look into The Depression Cure - thank you, memphisd. As I'm sure some of you know, the sadness and torment starts when I'm alone with time to think. You hit the nail on the head, Karen, to at least like myself would be a start, less alone love. I won't go as far as to hate, but I really, really, don't like myself very much. I

Yes Karen, I'm feeling much better, thank you. On the exterior it all seems under control and acceptable at the mo. It won't be long though before some "disaster" will occur and ruin everything, you know, disasters like overcooking the pasta, stepping on dog pooh while taking the furry kids for their walks, getting cut up by an inconsiderate driver......real disasters This is another reason that I'd find it hard to get a job, because every day hiccups that normal people take in their stride, I find ridiculously stressful. My partner is always telling me to chill and that no real harm is done, but insignificant events, like the examples I've just given, bring on the anxiety. Palpitations, hyperventilating, nausea and sweating - it's madness!! Even though I recognise my problem, like a child, I'm unable to control my emotions.

I'm just getting around to reading this thread, so sorry to jump in so late.

Fenice, don't torment yourself by thinking that you "should" be happy because of all the external and material things you've collected. Depression is a real medical illness, please believe me, and don't marginalize it.

I have three beautiful children and a great job, a hard-working and supportive husband, a supportive family and while I don't have many friends, I am respected in my community. Yet NONE of that can make my disease go away. Just like if I had arthritis, all that 'good' stuff would not make it go away.

It's so hard to get other people to understand that we can't just flip a switch and 'decide' to be happy. I've tried that SO many times and it doesn't work. If it DID, I think we'd all do it.

I'm sorry you live somewhere where mental health is not taken seriously. It does sound like getting some medication and other coping mechanisms for your anxiety would be a good first step.

I wish you the best and I'm glad you found this forum for support.

Good News fenice, I'm sure medication will help, it does most. If zoloft don't work this time, there is a list of others you can try, but I'm pray you get lucky and it helps so you don't have to do the merry go round of finding the right medicine.

Have you checked out the resources yet on the top of the page? There is a lot of good stuff there to read and help you.

TBH, AngelLisa, I haven't. I've actually been doing a little work that came my way, (If I look at the hourly rate of pay, it's enough to make anyone depressed) so I've been busy. I'm on a sort of high at the moment - I'm hiding the negativity well and not struggling too much to do so. Of course, death, illness, doom, pain and suffering are all there waiting for me when I wake during the night - I'm kind of expecting it. and it doesn't seem to be bothering me quite as much at the moment. I'll say good night to all as it is time.

I have been disabled with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I have experienced all the feelings of guilt, worthlessness, despair, been suicidal, etc etc. Until August of last year, I was most on paxil, lamictal, zyprexa, and alprazolam for those conditions and ambien for chronic insomnia. (Plus diabetes meds and Inderal/) I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Diabetes, a Cardiac arrhythmia, severe degeneration of multiple vertebrae, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, morbid obesity, irritable bowel syndrome, thyroid disorder, adrenal fatigue, severe arthritis in multiple joints, polycystic ovarian syndrome, severe allergies, chronic sinusitis, GERD, Fatty liver, sleep apnea(central and obstructive), and probably have left something out. Became a zombie on all the meds, but was only way I knew to survive until rapid cognitive decline was getting very alarming. I decided last summer that I wanted to get off of some of the drugs because I was getting so forgetful with periods of confusion, brain fog, etc. I also wanted to discover why I and many of my family members in several generations have had these illnesses. ( I have been to a zillion doctors over the last 30 years, even Mayo Clinic, with no appreciable improvement in health. I started doing research on my multitude of medical problems after daughter took college nutrition course in which she discovered a lot of our family medical problems have ties to nutritional deficiencies. After lots of reading, I changed my diet entirely, started fish oil and probiotics, and SLOWLY weaned myself off of the lamictal, zyprexa, alprazolam and ambien. Been several months of not taking those drugs and so far, so good. Haven't had any of the big crashes that I am prone to. Told my psychiatrist about my actions after the fact. (Don't recommend this though.) Still taking the paxil, since I have been on it for 20 years continuously. Will attempt to wean off of it later. Have had tons of lab work to assess my nutritional status and have sent specimen for genetic testing. Of course my abusive, alcoholic, bipolar(in denial and never treated) father did not help my psyche at all. Quite damaging and toxic relationship to this date. My nutritional testing confirmed major digestive abnormalities, major vitamin and mineral deficiencies, and many ,many metabolic abnormalities. I am sure there is a genetic component to my problems since this stuff runs in the family tree. I am hopeful that correcting the nutritional and metabolic problems will improve my daily life. My mood is as good or better than prior to weaning off the meds, and I am enjoying all the researching. Now if I could just remember everything I read. I have notebooks full of notes since I can't retain info due to memory issues. My life has been full of psychological and physical pain and suffering, still facing major hurdles, but there is hope. Bottom line, check your nutritional, digestive, and genetic statuses. Find the root cause, don't just put on a band aid with antidepressants. They are useful and necessary at times, but they don't fix the imbalances. Best Wishes

I guess I don't have much family left to deal with. I am probably missing that. I can talk here, but not to the other people I am around. We both have what works for us. That is so cool...

Kmrowell, Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting the information. I agree with diet and supplements. I have fibro so I can relate to some of your pain... And the cognitive problems. I am currently weaning off of Xanax and also stopped the ambien for sleep.

Take care and keep posting...

Hugs, Karen...

fenice, psychological torment is not correlated to the amount of problems one has. Your suffering is just as real and painful as those of us with multiple medical issues. I listed my ailments not to overshadow anyone else's or try to make my problems seem greater, but to demonstrate the connection of all of them to nutrigenomics. Was hoping it would prompt others to check into their nutritional, metabolic, digestive and genetic factors. One could have all the comforts of life, decent health symptomatically, and still experience immeasurable psychological pain. Don't leave thinking your issues are any less important or deserving of elucidation than ours. You deserve to be happy and your pain matters to us.

fenice, your depression is as real as mine, there is no difference. Yes I have alot of other things wrong with me but by no means does that mean your depression is any less then mine. I hope you don't leave, I've enjoyed getting to know you, but if you do then I by all means wish you the very best and hope someday you will feel better. You are no less important here then anyone else, please remember that.

A beautiful mind... Russel Crow...


Great movie...

fenice, that isn't a thumbs up feature (wish they had one but they don't) that is a thumbs down feature that puts that poster on block so you can't see any of their posts, so don't use it, lol.

Glad your still with us!!

I once heard it said that "thinking is a luxury I can't afford".

One of my biggest tools in fighting depression & anxiety is to pay attention to what my mind is doing and redirect it elsewhere when it wanders into the weeds. Just as an alcoholic can't afford to take that first drink, I can't afford to let my mind wander into all those dangerous areas you mention. (Pets dying, accidents, all the horrid what-if's.)

If I start thinking that way, I do something that engages my mind - read a book, do sudoku, have lunch with a friend, even counting sheep is more productive and healthier than letting my mind wander down those dangerous pathways.

Once I realized that my mind was my own worst enemy, and learned how to direct it into better thinking, my depression started to take a back seat in my life. Been doing this for years and it becomes a habit -- not to say that depression ever fully leaves, like the alcoholic is never fully cured, but most days I'm content and able to observe happiness.

This winter I'm focusing on "sunshine!" and the happy energy it gives me. I will not suffer thru the gray days, I will celebrate the sunny ones!

Have you though about gardening, cooking, or some other hobby that would help make you feel better about yourself while also providing something for someone else? Volunteering is a great way to update skills to become more employable.

Peace, and there is no shame in medication. If your partner says it helps you, she's probably right - who is in a better position to know?