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Insecure about sexuality and masculinity (depression related)

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Posted 2/18/2015 8:18 AM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone, how's it going? This is a topic I'm heavily embarrassed to talk about to anyone in real life so while I'm at it I'm just going to flat out to say it. I am a 28 year-old virgin, a heterosexual male, I'm crazy about girls, always have been. And I'm depressed and ashamed of myself that I've gone on this long without any experience with women. I believe this problem is correlated to my upbringing. I'm an only child of a single mother and grew up fatherless, was an underachiever and outsider throughout school. I was terrible at sports which led me to finding my love for music and the guitar (which is still a passion of mine today). When I see a girl that I find attractive (whether it's work, party or some social gathering) I feel totally powerless, I don't know how to talk to her and I feel genetically unable to attract a woman.

I still feel like I'm stuck in that middle school phase. And now it's gotten to the point where I ask, is it even worth trying? I just don't feel I have a lot to offer for a girl within my age radius. Although I have my own car and a job, I still live with my mother and I work at a grocery store, no college education and only make just enough money to pay my mom board and other necessities. I feel a like a failure of a man and that my masculinity is constantly being tested and questioned. Can anybody offer advice or stories that could, would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
Posted 2/18/2015 9:47 AM (GMT 0)
John,
You are being very straight forward so I will as well. First and most important there is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. I am glad you reached out to the group.

Second, I am a married woman with kids close to your age. Obviously I cant get into a "male mindset" but I do see a few things going on here. I think your lack of confidence and self esteem are much bigger issues than getting laid.

You may be on target when you describe your upbringing. I would suggest you find a therapist to work on your interpersonal skills. Its not typical, or really attractive, for a guy to feel "powerless' around a pretty girl at first meeting. Now loosing oneself after a relationship has developed is different...but you aren't even close to that yet.

The more stress you put on yourself to more difficulty you are going to have until you get some training on social interactions and boost that self esteem. If you are in the US....most work places offer an EAP plan. employee assistance plan. you can call a number and set up free therapy sessions. There should be a poster in the break room or near your time clock. No, your boss will never know unless you tell him.

Just my opinion but, I see no shame in waiting until you are in a relationship before having sex. Yes, sex can be a great way to spend the day, but I think its better if you love them and are comfortable around your partner first. Get comfortable with yourself first...okay, that sounded wrong but you know what I mean.

We are here to help. I am sure others will chime in soon.
Posted 2/18/2015 1:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi RealJohnConnor,
Welcome! Thank you for your honesty. I'm glad to hear that you are social enough for parties and social gatherings. Please don't be ashamed that you live with your mother. A lot of adult children still do. It is an economic reality these days. Have you considered taking classes to further your education? Doing so may increase your self confidence. My daughter is 32 and taking college courses. It's never too late. Getting together with others with a common interest may help 'break the ice'. You are into music, start there. I'm glad to hear that you haven't taken "the easy way out" regarding your virginity. Should you be fortunate enough to find a woman who is also 'inexperienced' both of you will never have anything to compare it to and therefore be the best ever! If you find a woman with experience, let her teach you what she likes! It takes a real man to be this honest. It takes a real man to seek guidance. Try not to have expectations when you start a conversation with someone that interests you. You have a lot to offer. Don't compare your insides with someone else's outsides.
Posted 2/18/2015 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forum.

A therapist is a good idea.

From your post I get the 'feeling' that your self esteem around women may come from your childhood. No shame in that, just fact possibly.

A therapist can help you like yourself first, then you will be amaze at how you can connect with people. I see a therapist and am currently working on self compassion. So I speak from direct experience.

Sex is not the Alpha and Omega of life. Fact is it become less and less important as relationships move on. They become more about friendship, sharing, communication and love not lust.

Peace and comfort
Trina
Posted 2/18/2015 5:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi John~

Thanks for being so open about your struggles--I know it's not easy. But don't be so hard on yourself. There's not set time-table for when a relationship with the opposite sex should happen-even if the world tells you something different. We all grow and experience things at different paces. However, if you feel like it's depression or self-esteem issues that are holding you back from talking to others and forming friendships, then you may want to consider seeing therapist or finding a support group. Maybe you're doing this already, but I think that could make a big difference in the way you're feeling right now. Lastly, instead of putting pressure on yourself to find a girlfriend, maybe it would be good just to try to find opportunities to connect with people in general. For instance, find a local church or join a club or activity that you have some interest in. Then, see what happens from there. So, just a couple things to think about. In the meantime, hang in there friend!

gardensparrow
#girlluvs2garden#
Posted 2/18/2015 7:14 PM (GMT 0)
Gardensparrow, nice to see you posting. :-)
Posted 2/19/2015 9:35 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for the kind replies. I'm alright, I've kept a good head on my shoulders all my life so I should be grateful for what I have and focus on the full half of the glass. I am hard on myself and set my expectations too high and sometimes all my insecurities and unhappy memories snowball into this depression. If this worsens I will look into professional help, thanks again.
Posted 2/19/2015 9:55 PM (GMT 0)
Make an appointment anyway, dude. Really. This obviously bothers you, and the only way to change the way you feel around women is to change the way you think about them, your self-talk during the situation, and grow your confidence.

Seriously, it is not going to just change someday, and what have you got to lose? You have a lack in your life that you feel strongly, that you say is connected to your upbringing. If you want to address this fear, you are the only one to do it.

Be well.
Posted 2/20/2015 5:53 PM (GMT 0)
In my opinion you should be proud that you are a virgin, so many people give this away way too young, so I believe that is a wonderful thing.

You are human and I'm sure you desire companionship from another human being, but it can be hard to make that first move, maybe because we do fear rejection or because we feel less experienced, but believe me most women see that as a plus(unless they are just a downright skank) wink

When I was young, I was very shy towards the opposite sex, and a lot of people mistook this for me thinking I was "too good for them", when in fact I didn't know how to approach a man, I did learn eventually, although to this day I still have issues with talking to men.

You have nothing at all to be ashamed of, and I'm sure you have a lot to offer a female, you just don't feel like you do. People are staying with their parents a lot longer these days, so most people don't even see that as a bad thing.
Posted 2/27/2015 5:25 PM (GMT 0)

BnotAfraid said...
Gardensparrow, nice to see you posting. :-)

Thanks for the welcome! :-)
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