Depressed boyfriend wants to be friends - HELP!

Hi there,

This is my first time posting in a forum like this but I just didn't know where else to turn during this confusing time. I apologize for the long post but I hope you will read it and offer any advice. I am feeling a little lost.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months - he is 30 I am 27. In that time we spend quite a lot of a time getting to know each other and fell in love. At the start of our relationship, he mentioned that he has struggled with depression. He didn't elaborate much and I didn't ask too many questions. about 1 month ago, he started expressing to me how overwhelmed he felt by the things he had to do but wasn't doing. He was exhausted all the time. He was really hard on himself for not being able to do these things. He has a new job, started living on his own for the first time, and has a new-ish relationship. It's a pretty transitional time for him.

Over the last month, we have gone through different phases and would meet in person to discuss where he's at and where I'm at. They were extremely loving conversations. Calm, thoughtful. First it was him thinking that he could handle his depression well enough to stay together, then he opened up to me about his depression and said he really didn't feel like anyone should be relying on his right now and that he can't be consistent the way I need him to be. Eventually, we agreed that maybe we should take a break. We said we would do 3 weeks, no contact. He reached out to me after 2 weeks and asked to see me. When we did see each other, he said he didn't have any big revelations and still didn't feel like he had answers for me but knew that another week wouldn't change much and wanted to open the door to me to ask questions or talk about anything I wanted to.

This conversation was especially hard because we both knew this is not the right time for a relationship but we both WANT to be together and love each other tremendously. So confusing!! We agreed to go our separate ways and he promised to reach out when he was in a better place, if nothing else, just to let me know he was okay. He made it clear that he would want to be with me when he feels better but he was careful not to ask me to wait as that would be selfish. He just doesn't know how long it will take for him to feel healthy again, and he said in that time that I should do whatever I need or want to do to be happy. Before we left off, he told me several times more how much loves me and how much he has appreciated so so so much the patience, love, and support I have shown him. He texted me that night saying that he loved me and thanks me for being who I am and all that I have been to him. I sent a loving text back.

He has never blamed me or been angry. He seems to really dislike himself in the moment for all that he cannot do. He is seeing a therapist (I think he has had 4 appts so far - he told me that it is a 12-session therapy but it is not as structured as he had thought it was going to be). He is committed to getting better. Through this month he has been empathetic, thoughtful, and loving. But I know that his mood and energy level are inconsistent and he knows that he can't be fair to me.

I am not at peace with the idea of letting him go or moving on. I don't feel okay about the finality of ending things. I contemplated asking him if we can be "friends" where we are not completely out of each other's lives. That we can still see each other but take the serious conversations out and just be. One of my friends had a near-death experience and it made me realize that life can change in the blink of an eye and I am not ready to lose him yet.

He was very open to this and said it would be tricky because he has a hard time being around people without wanting to withdraw but he is open to trying and that he does not want to lose me out of his life because he does love me.

Thoughts? Advice? Am I being totally irrational by thinking that we can still communicate and see each other occasionally or is it possible? I want to be here for him and I also want his presence in my life. It's not a question of love or compatibility. It's timing! Stupid timing!

Welcome to the forum.

Has he been to a doc for a diagnosis? This is a very important step for his recovery.

yes, it is hard, however I would respect his wishes and move on with your life. We all have our paths to walk, people come in and out of our lives for reasons. Do not lets this short relationship hold you back for experiencing and growing.

I wish you peace and strength
Trina

Thank you both for your responses.

@BnotAfraid - he had seen a doctor many years ago. Maybe 10 years ago. And he was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. The therapist he is seeing now is new and I am unsure if they have developed a new diagnosis or if they are working off the old one. He is willing to seek help and has been sticking to it which is great and he is clearly a fighter so I know regardless of what happens between us, he is going to get through this and be a stronger and more self aware person because of it (as will I!).

I will respect his space and his wishes as I have been doing. He says he is open to this set up of still maintaining some form of communication and even maybe seeing each other but he did says he struggles with being around others. He says I have done a great job of not putting any pressure on him and I will continue to do this until it doesn't feel right anymore and one or both of us decide something needs to change.

@getting by - thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I do tend to overcomplicate most things in my life haha but over the 2 weeks that we did not speak when we were on a break I realized that I cannot let this take away from my own life. I have been really focused on continuing to do things for myself. Both of my parents have a history of mental illness (my mom has severe anxiety/OCD and my dad suffers from depression). I know the path is long to healing. There were many times that they called on me to support them and it took a toll on me. Finding the balance between supporting myself and others has been hard and I still falter at times but I am trying to be aware of my needs and my journey as well.

Thank you so much for that link. I started looking at some of their resources and I think I can benefit greatly from focusing more on myself.

I guess the hardest part is watching someone you love struggle knowing there isn't really much I can do. But I think being healthy and happy myself gives me the best chance at being a good support for him.

Thank you both for your support!! =)

Just a quick question. We have decided to be friends for now so that he can focus on himself and there isn't relationship pressure. I feel at a really good place in terms of myself and my life. This arrangement feels okay for now. But I am unsure how to proceed.

Do I leave it on him to initiate contact and plans to see each other? He said he's open to communicating and would like to hang out together without the seriousness and that it could be tricky because it's hard for him to be around others without wanting to withdraw.

I don't want to keep reaching out if it could be bothersome for him or if it will feel like pressure. That is counter intuitive. But I also want him to know I am here for him and would love to see him. I am not sure he will try to make plans on his own. I initiated contact on Monday, and he initiated yesterday (Tuesday) and said he would text me later and never did. Both times just some light chit chat which is fine. Just trying to figure out what someone experiencing depression might prefer in this situation.

I agree with Karen, if weeks go by and you have not heard from him, call just to say him, see how he is doing.

Peace
Trina

Hi Alex, welcome to the forum. This thread is a couple of years old so I am not sure if you will get a response or not.

Keep posting on other posts though. Or you could start a new one.

Hugs, Karen...

No I don't though sometimes they will subscribe to a thread and get an email when somebody posts on it and then they will post again. I am sorry if they don't answer.

I hope you have a good day. Feel free to start your own thread if you would like.

Hugs, Karen...

If you click on their name at the side of their post, it will take you to their profile and if they put an email address you can get it.