Posted 3/20/2015 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
Hello world. I am a 32 year old female, mother of two. I have no history of anxiety or depression, but this summer, I had my first ever anxiety attack. I used to think the word anxiety meant stressed out… however, when I had my attack, I wasn’t. In fact I was getting ready for bed, just out of a hot bath. It hit me so hard I fell to my knees… sheer terror. I felt like someone had a gun to my head. I put my hand on my heart and could feel it racing, as if I had just ran a mile. It was by far the worst feeling in the world, and it lasted hours. For the next several weeks these attacks continued.. every single night. I lost 8lbs in about a week and a half. I only weighted about 125 to start with, and I am 5’6.
Is anyone reading this a fan of the Food Babe or 100 Days of Real Food? Well I am. No dyes or preservatives in this house. I am a regular in my yoga class and physically fit. So naturally when this started happening, I turned to the internet and Whole Foods. I read blogs. One said eat bananas, I ate bananas. Exercise, I ramped up my cardio. Take supplements Oh man did I take supplements: St. Johns Wart, Inositol Powder, vitamins etc. Finally it got to the point where I was having a hard time leaving the house, terrified I would have a panic attack.. I remember one day taking the kids to the pool. I think as soon as my 4 year old daughter jumped in I felt one start. I had to tell my children we had to leave. I felt devastated, I knew they didn’t understand.. I had to lie and say “Mommy’s stomach hurts.”
Finally I went to the doctor. I didn’t even have a general doctor. I have an OB, dentist, dermatologist etc. I talked to him for about 10 minutes. He asked if I was depressed. I said no, to me depression is when you are so sad you don’t want to get out of bed or talk to anyone. However, I had noticed I had been less social than my usual self. I didn’t call my friends as much, or feel like chatting it up with neighbors. I am obsessed with decorating and I walked into a Homegoods and didn’t want to buy one thing (looking back I should have went straight to the doctor right that second!). All that being said, I still felt relatively happy and sometimes felt like calling a friend, or going out to dinner. Next the doctor asked if something had happened to me. The truth is, I was suffering from guilt. I felt like I wasn’t a good enough wife and mother deep down. Things felt overwhelming sometimes, and perhaps it was getting worse, maybe that’s why it started. But nothing traumatic happened to me, other than not living up to my own standards. I started crying talking to him, explaining that perhaps I was slightly withdrawn, but still okay, but the panic, I had no idea where it was coming from and would do anything to make it stop. The doctor prescribed me 50mg of Zoloft. He also gave me Clonazepam.
I felt defeated. Reduced to taking drugs. He then said I would need to be on the Zoloft at least 6 months. So what did I do? I decided to not take the Zoloft. (mistake) and just take the Clonazepam. <em> (To anyone reading this– if you were perscribed Zoloft for panic, you might need to get Clonazepam, it’s a temporary medication, it STOPS the panic attacks, YES stops them completely, but it takes an 1-2 hours to work. Anyway, sometimes when you first start Zoloft it TEMPORARILY increases the panic attacks, so this will help you get through that time period.)</em> Anyway I thought the panic attacks would stop, and I wouldn’t need to be on this 6 month zoloft regimine. I could take the Clonazepam as needed, and that felt safer, like a motrin for a headache. So I suffered a few months this way, and in the end I lost more weight and probably aged myself years. Eventually I reluctantly started taking the Zoloft, desperate to end this and get my life back!
With in a 2 days I noticed the looping thoughts stopped. Meaning, the worry-wart, negative, guilty panic causing thoughts I would have- went away. I had a few good days, then a few where I would have panic attacks and worry maybe Zoloft wasn’t working after all. After 1 week things were better, after 2-3 they were SUBSTANTIALLY better. 4-6 weeks, the panic stopped all together and I felt just like my normal self.
Side effects: I lost weight. I got down to about 112- I just wasn’t hungry anymore- especially for bread! So filling. Sometimes it would be 2 or 3 in the afternoon and I would realize I hadn’t eaten yet today. Eventually this went away. I have been on Zoloft for 6 months and I am finally back up to 125lbs, which is normal to me. Truth be told I would have been fine staying at 120lbs! ; ) I stayed at 115 for a long time, and just this past month or so put on an additional 10lbs. Sex, I guess my drive is somewhat reduced… but not a ton. I started this 21 day sex challenge, that helped. Just wanted to shake things up.
If I could go back, and do things again, I would have listened to my doctor, and taken the Zoloft right away. I suffered so much more than necessary! I had sooooo many dark days. I was embarrassed to know there was something wrong with me. No one in my family had ever had anxiety… just me. I was so scared that Zoloft would change me. That I would have different thoughts, that I would get fat, that I would be tired and out of it all the time. The truth is, it saved me, and I got my life back.
It’s been 6 months (see this time I listened to the doctor) and now I would like to try being off of it and see how things go. So on February 28th I skipped my medication. My plan was to take my 50mg pill every OTHER day vs every day for 2 weeks. 2 days later I could feel some side effects. A dull pain in my head, sort of like a caffeine headache. If you are a regular coffee drinker like me, and one morning you skip your coffee, you know what a caffeine headache feels like. Sort of a dull, annoying, constant pain- not super bad, just present. After my second missed dose I noticed I would feel a bit light-headed. At night I feel more tired than usual and fall asleep in seconds. Also sometimes it was hard to focus on things (reading etc) my eyes would sort of hurt. You know if you cross your eyes and try to hold them and it’s sort of uncomfortable, it’s sort of like that feeling. All these symptoms would come and go, nothing was unbearable, and I am still able to function through my day. I called my doctor just to make sure my tapering schedule was okay, and he recommended cutting my 50mg pill in half and doing 25mg daily for two weeks, then dropping to 25mg every other day for a week, then stopping.
I am fully expecting to have a less than comfortable month. Probably full of headaches and sluggishness. You know what though, this is NOTHING compared to my anxiety- and so far I haven’t felt any yet. I have read that fish oil supplements can help you to not feel light-headed, and ever since I started (I got one with very high EPA from Vietnam Store, they sell it at Whole Foods as well in the refrigerated section and it tastes great! It called Barleans Citrus Sorbet 1500 EPA/DHA per serving) Guess what- it works, haven’t felt light-headed yet.
Update: 3/19/2015:
Yay I am almost competley off! Now only taking 1/2 a pill every other night and still going strong. No change in weight, appetite, still feeling happy/optimistic and no a anxirty whatsoever. Feels good to be me again- for so long I worried I would never be back to my normal self!