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Depressed adult daughter in recovery

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Posted 3/30/2015 6:44 PM (GMT 0)
I have an adult daughter who is in her late 20's and is severely depressed. She is a recovering addict and is in a program but is struggling with making new friends. The friends she has are mostly locked up or still on drugs and she doesn't want to be around those any longer (thank God). She doesn't seem to be able to meet new people and make friends. My issue is she lives at home, works part time but not enough to get her own place, she is always complaining about not having any friends and how I don't understand and as a parent it is driving me crazy. We pay for her treatment, her car, her phone. I feel so bad for her but don't know how to help her. Her counselor said we are too close. I say I wish she could move out and find friends. I don't want to be her friend and mother. I just want to be a normal mother who can go out and enjoy doing things with my husband and don't always feel obligated to ask her to go with us. I've tried coaxing her to join a gym, find a group but she just is so depressed I can't get her moving to help herself. How is a mother suppose to help her adult child in situations like this? I know I'm not alone, but I can't just walk away either. Drugs have ruined her life and I'm not sure how to help her any longer. Any suggestions would be helpful.
Posted 3/30/2015 7:20 PM (GMT 0)
I feel for you... I can see it would be difficult. Hopefully her counselor can teach her how to put herself out there and make new friends. But it is not something that she can force. It has to happen naturally. In time she will meet new people, the type of people you want her to meet. Maybe she is so use to the other type of people, she just doesn't know how.

Either way, you can't be responsible for everything for her. You have helped her enough. You got a life3 to live too. You are doing a lot for her. Maybe she should work on finding a full time job so she can obtain these things herself and learn responsibility.

I don't think that the drugs have completely ruined her life, I think she has made some poor choices and needs to recover from that. Sometimes tough love is in order. And it always takes time. Be patient with her and the illness itself. Encourage her to try harder. Notice any improvements and mention them. Some encouragement goes a long way with a recovering addict.

Hang in there, it will get easier as you go. Do be her friend for the time being. She needs somebody.

Welcome to the forum.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 3/30/2015 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
It takes time, she will meet people at AA/NA meetings. Slowly learn to trust people again.
As she starts to feel free from the addiction, and this takes a while, she will begin to feel her independence.

give her space at home and try to be patient, it is a rough road she is on. As you are to.

Peace
Trina
Posted 3/30/2015 9:25 PM (GMT 0)
There isn't anything you can do to help her, but I think there is alot you can do to help yourself. You need to learn boundaries for one, I know it is so hard when it comes to our children, but by enabling them we aren't helping them. I highly recommend you check out Al-Anon, it is for family and friends of alcoholic and drug addicts, it is a truly awesome program. You will meet alot of parents there that have similar stories as your own and learn new ways of helping your daughter, things to do and not do. Here is the link, just click how to find a meeting to find one near you.

al-anon.org/?gclid=Cj0KEQjw6OOoBRDP9uG4oqzUv7kBEiQA0sRYBFJq4VC2p3mBvLn_XdiH8bS_zPe8N1nxodgs-2r4LP8aAoh_8P8HAQ

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Fibromyalgia, COPD, Bipolar II, GAD, sleep apnea, arthralgia, insomnia, paresthesia-bilateral feet, degenerative disc disease, diastolic dysfunction, GERD, Hypertension, lumbar disc disease, urinary incontinence, Peripheral neuropathy, Bells Palsy
Posted 3/31/2015 3:17 AM (GMT 0)
Nar-Anon, for families of addicts would be an excellent resource for you. Whether your daughter goes to NA meetings or not! While many AA and Al-Anon meetings are accepting of those with drug issues, some are not very welcoming. You and she should be aware of this fact if either of you are planning on attending. I does take some time to adjust to life without the 'drug of choice'. Some of the main suggestions these days are to make 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, join a home group and get active. It is also suggested to change people, places and things. The people at the meetings are eager and willing to make new friends. To hang out in different places and try new things. It's not easy filling all of the hours that were wasted planning how to get what we 'needed', where to use what we 'needed', who we might share it with, how to get the money for it, etc. Boredom and depression go hand in hand in the beginning. Many cities have clubhouses for people in recovery. Look in you phonebook and call. AA can be contacted 24/7. I'm not sure if NA has the same availability so you may have to make sure you call during business hours.
Posted 3/31/2015 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
Oh, that's a tough situation to be in. We want to help our children, but also set some boundaries and encourage them to move forward in their life. But that's great your daughter is involved in counseling, and I know you mentioned the counselors has given you some advice. However, I did wonder if you've been able to see anyone on your own? Maybe having some personal counseling will help you know how to best respond to your daughter. Also, there's a lot of resources out there on setting boundaries with adult children or those who may be struggling with depression or other disorders. So, maybe it would be helpful to try and find something online or see if a counselor could recommend something? Lastly, for you, as well as for helping your daughter find some friends, I agree that a support group would be helpful for you both. Do you think maybe her counselor could help you find something in your area? Just a thought. In the meantime, hang in there!

#girlluvs2garden#
Posted 3/31/2015 6:43 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Pit mom, I forgot about Nar-Anon, here is the link for that one, in case you are interested in that one.

www.nar-anon.org/


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Fibromyalgia, COPD, Bipolar II, GAD, sleep apnea, arthralgia, insomnia, paresthesia-bilateral feet, degenerative disc disease, diastolic dysfunction, GERD, Hypertension, lumbar disc disease, urinary incontinence, Peripheral neuropathy, Bells Palsy
Posted 4/2/2015 11:28 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there.

I have been a member of Al-Anon for 24 years. I think if you try some meetings you will find some answers to the issues that have been bothering you. It is a tough situation so give yourself some positive strokes for what you are handling.

Your daughter will eventually find her own way. Learning how to relate without drugs is a new skill for her. Hopefully her therapist will see this and help her with it.

Be sure and make some time for you, when you can be alone and not feel pressure to do stuff for your daughter.

Love,
Rich
Posted 4/2/2015 11:00 PM (GMT 0)
I think ... Because it is so easy to give advise to someone that is difficult to follow yourself. I have had too much expirence with this going thu something similar yet mine will not admit nor go into a program to help them. It's is so hard to love an addict. I grew up with alcoholics and drug addicts I didn't know that this was bad behavior until my early 20's. It was normal for me. I have children whom even though I didn't follow the family footsteps ( :-} ) made similar choices. I say this so it doesn't look like I haven't a clue what it is like.
However ... An addict has a personality that is dependent , it is just a matter of what they are dependant on ; seems like she could be dependant now again on you. This is part of recovery. I think she is on the right path! Hallelujah she isn't hanging with. The sane crowd and doesn't want to! But this next step is a big one ... Independence. Self reliant wow this is where most addicts back slide and give up because she has made it to the explicative Super Bowl of overcoming drugs!!! You made it this far but can you still deliver the strength and endurence it took to get you there. She is going to be ok and it takes time. Oh and NEVER be her friend your her mother neither of you need to overstep that sacred boundry that is so. Tempting . When your child is hurting you want to need to FIX it. You can't . Ha ha I tell you as I try to go and fix my own drug induced children. I am sending so much healing to you , I feel for you, it sucks ! I am going thru it too. ((( hug)))
Posted 4/3/2015 5:40 PM (GMT 0)
Thank everyone for your suggestions and input. It is indeed a difficult task. I myself have been in counseling regarding this and I know detachment is what I need to do but it is so hard being a parent and not wanting to guide and help. I did make a big step and tell her I could not be her friend and her mother that being a mother was the only thing I would be so if she didn't like what I had to say her options were clear. Find full time job so you can move out or stay here, under our roof and listen to what we have to say. It does suck being a parent of an addict. At this point in my life I am making a very comfortable living where my husband and I could travel and do so many things, but that has taken a back seat due to having to support her and all her needs. I'm not the kind to just kick her out and say go deal with it. Just can't. My parents would never do that to me. I guess it's just going to be a long road. At least she is working part time. Thanks again! Have a blessed day.
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