I really need advice - should I let him go?

Getting better from depression can take a year, can take a life time. If your needs aren't getting met, and that is what you need, then I say maybe you should move on with life. That doesn't mean to ditch him, just start doing some things you need to do for yourself. If it is a different relationship you need, well, there is nothing wrong with that. You have a life to live and you need to be happy too. I have no clue as to how long it will take him to get better. He may need to learn a different way of thinking. When we focus on ourselves too much, not much gets accomplished. We do have to work on ourselves, but not get stuck in a funk about it. It is hard to explain. I think that there is a difference in taking care of one self and being selfish.

The defensive attitude pretty much comes with the depression funk. It is a hard habit to break, but it can be done. Have you ever taken any psychology classes? It describes a lot.

I would take care of you at this time. Find something to keep your mind busy, find interesting things to do. Meet people. He could be stuck for a bit. You don't need to be dragged down. You can always keep a place for him in your heart, but you don't have to feel selfish or badly for wanting more out of a relationship. I hope that this makes sense. I just got up from a nap. Just be happy... Do what makes you feel happy.

I wish for you the best.

Hugs, Karen...

No one is perfect of course, everyone has issues but letting their issues become your issues is a bad idea period. I don't think it's selfish to get out of a relationship that is one sided regardless of the reason (mental health for example) it's one thing to be there for someone during a difficult time(s) in their life but if they're chronic difficult times (due to depression/mental/emotional health issues) and it becomes one sided (their side, never yours) why do that to yourself? People that are "fixers" do that, they think they can fix people's problems because they want to help people and at the same time they think they will also make them feel good about themselves so it feels like it's a win-win but the truth is, that's unrealistic because the only person that can fix a messed up person is themselves, not anyone else.

If he was getting actual help for his issues, that's one thing if not then run for the darned hills and NEVER look back, but with some of the things he's told you it doesn't sound like it's helping him....trust me, I speak from experience...I came with my own baggage from childhood issues and let myself get into a terrible relationship (still in it) because I probably thought his issues would give me a break from thinking about mine (selfish actually) but the truth is I ended up making the worst mistake in my life by not running for the hills (though we were separated for a short 18 months at one point *many moons ago before I was dumb enough to get back together with him* those were the best 18 months of my life but I had other issues that I didn't realize I actually had) to this day I will never forgive myself for what I let him put me through, for what I ended up letting him do to the little self-esteem I may have had, the list goes on, I could go on forever.

Just by reading what you wrote about what he says to you makes me cringe like you couldn't imagine...HE IS MANIPULATING YOU BIG TIME, I can spot it now like a titty on a horse because I've finally realized a lot of things about myself and my life and all the people I've been around and still am around...and in writing this response to you, I feel like I'm actually responding to the young me, I'm telling you to do what I should have done for myself 3 decades ago (completely unselfish on my part) don't get me wrong, I love "love" even though I've hardly ever experienced it in my own life, I know what true love is because I feel it for a few people only, but I still feel it and I'm grateful for that at least but at this point that's all I'm grateful for.

Of course you ultimately have to decide for yourself (cuz that's what people are suppose to say) but I'll tell you, if I could go back, I would in a heartbeat and I know exactly who I would give the second chance to and my life still wouldn't be perfect but I'd bet every ugly memory in my head that it would be a hell of a lot better than what it became because of someone else's manipulation...BTW chances I'll bet he's a sex addict too (based on the sexy following that you just recently found out about but I'll bet you it's been going on for a very long time, that is just one incident, he'll be sure to throw a bunch more of that kind of stuff at you, the longer you stay and the more he thinks he's trapped you). My crap partner did not deserve me, I am loyal, faithful and honest, the complete opposite of him...and our kids pay the price too.

Follow your gut, I didn't and I knew I was going against my instinct but I chalked it up to "well I'll give it another shot, we're not teens anymore, we're young adults, everyone deserves a second chance and if I find out he didn't change then I'll just leave him" sadly a lot of obstacles appeared keeping me from foolishly convincing myself that I could always just leave again anytime. I lost my mental, emotional and physical health and well being because of a manipulative dork who also tried to make me feel sorry for him (sadly for me it worked, and sadly for me I am now glad that we don't live forever because people can be just horrible to each other and that's sad in itself...If I could find a fairly decent person once in my life, anyone can, I just wish I had given him the second chance instead of the manipulative dork.

@gettingby - thank you for your kind words, Karen. And for reminding me that he is on a long journey. I am glad he is getting help and seems to be invested in getting better. But his mind and emotions are still unstable. I do think I need to move on with my life. I am just sad to do it without him.

@jer69 - I appreciate your honesty and perspective. He has told me many times that if he was at a place where he could be in a relationship, he would be with me and that he loves me. Maybe you are right and he is scared to hurt me. Social media seems like an easy way to "connect" to people for him but I think it's also a sign of how little he can give to real relationships in his life.

@pb4 - It was hard for me to read your reply because I know what it feels like to be "stuck" and thinking you wish you had done something differently. I also have had that "fixer" mentality in previous relationships and I am trying so hard to get away from it. Maybe its for the best that this happens now before I get more and more attached. Could you tell me more about where you saw his manipulation? I don't doubt that it existed but its not even something that has crossed my mind yet and it would be helpful to hear your perspective so that I know what it looks like. I wish you all the best - you sound like a wonderful person who deserves so much!!

@pitmom - 6 years..that is a tough thing to imagine if things continued like this. Or even if they got better and went back to this. I know he will be okay and get to a better place, but I think it will take a long time. It's just always hard to cut someone out of my life. I love too hard, maybe.

Thank you all for your responses..I hate the idea of life without him as he is a very special person. But I know that I cannot continue to be with someone who is unavailable. I am just going back and forth in my head between knowing what I need to do and then somehow trying to find reasons to justify not walking away. Just a classic head vs. heart situation.

Thanks alia,

The manipulation that I see is when I read what he says to you all that crosses my mind is how I've heard all those words/reassurance and promises (as if my own hubby is telling you those things because that's what he tells me and it's all lies).

The reason I say that I bet he's a sex addict (unfortunately a very real thing) is because what I've learned is, a normal person/non-sex addict doesn't need to seek out anything to do with flirting or invitations and those are the faithful people (that's not to say that 2 people in a committed relationship don't watch **** together to add a little extra spice, that's all together different) but sex addicts will always seek out sexual attention on their own even when they're in a relationship, it's the control more so than the sex the "no one's gonna tell me I can only have sex with one person for the rest of my marriage" and just because I"m married doesn't mean I'm dead (or off the market apparently) they have a million excuses, they don't necessarily want to hurt anyone but they are dealing with an addiction which is why they also try to hide a lot of their sexual obsessions (watching ****, masterbating regularly even though they have a partner they could just have sex with but likely if "we" knew how much sex they always crave then it might send us red flags and sex addicts like any addict don't want their secret out...flirting inappropriately right in front of you and then if you say anything they flip it around and say things like "just cuz I'm being nice to her doesn't mean I'm sleeping with her or want to sleep with her" bull crap, they try and justify their addiction because they know they have a problem but they want so much to either be normal or hide who they really are (that's a toss up, and it could even be that they want both, those with serious addictions want to have their cake and eat it too) but look out cuz in their minds you could be simply talking, not flirting or anything to someone of the opposite sex and your partner will easily blow a gasket because they are paranoid too, reason being is they think everyone cheats (no matter how old they are, they think that immaturely) and they conjure crap up in their head of what you're doing to them because they know they're doing it to you, and they couldn't possibly be that lucky (or deserving) to have a faithful partner, because they also suffer with very low self-esteem, insecurities and a bunch of other personality and emotional issues).

But the key thing they do to trick you is tell you everything they know you want to hear, "I'm getting better, I don't do that anymore, I've changed, I love you, you're my world..." and they go on and on boosting your ego they just tore down by being a lying disgusting cheater, but hey that's ok cuz they have the right to manipulate you if you're going to let them after all. They hide behind strong words and conviction that they are good and normal and everything you want them to be but the sad thing is they don't understand partnership, sharing with each other exclusively after all that's what deciding to be in a relationship with someone is suppose to be about, it's healthy, thriving full of true love, honesty and trust, not fear, doubt, sadness, frustration and selfishness, but that's all those kinds of people have to offer, some of them want to be "normal" and they know better than to behave the way they do but they have an addiction, so now they can use that as their excuse.

I've had some ugly experiences, like finding out I was cheated on while in the hospital after having our first (narcissistic daughter) and he brought his sleeze into our bed and on my side of the bed and didn't even wash the sheets and then they had me believing she was pregnant with his baby too. I've watched him hit on his nephews girlfriend that had a baby with his nephew, he loves kids but it doesn't stop him from destroying or trying to at least, other people's lives, children's lives with his nasty addiction (the nephews girlfriend wasn't having it, she was pissed at him, so she didn't bite like he thinks they all should and that made him very mad...so then a few months later at his company christmas party, he literally cheated on me with one of his coworkers wives, in the public restroom, they ended up getting a divorce (and that crushed the son they had together) because her husband wasn't having it and the dork says to me, well she's a "*****", as if that justifies him being one too. I could give you many many more examples of what I've gone through just with his cheating alone because he's done it so many times over all the years.

From my understanding sex addicts are very likely to be bipolar as well (not written in stone, just the pattern researchers have noted on the topic, and they tend to have other addictions as well (my dork is an alcoholic, gambler, cheater, and more I'm sure. In their minds it's ok for them to do what they please but they are control freaks and no one can do to them what they do to others, they think pretty highly of themselves considering they have no honest regard for other people's feelings but hey it's an addiction (that means free for all).

I could be very wrong about your situation, in fact I might be quicker to judge based on my horrible life experiences but from the little bit that you shared of what he's said to you sent bells ringing for me. Good luck and remember there's a lot of great catches out there too, not everyone is terribly screwed up but there sure are a huge majority that are in many ways. You deserve better!

Thank you all for your support and advice. I have set up a time with him to talk on Saturday. It's time for me to step away from this and move on with my life. Is the door completely closed? I am not sure but for now it's unhealthy for me to sit and wait and unfair to him because it's additional pressure even if it's unintentional. I love him. I want him to be healthy and happy. But I also have to love myself and I can't deny the fact that this is affecting me. I don't know how to be okay with the fact that he chooses other things over me to spend his energy on. I can't overlook the fact that he has told me this isn't the first time his relationship has turned sour because of his own struggles. I can't keep feeling as though I'm being taken for granted or that I will only hear from him when it's convenient. Yes, much of this is attributed to his depression but we just haven't had enough time to build a strong enough foundation to figure out how to make this work. He's been honest that he can't be in a relationship because he can't be relied on. It's time that I accept that instead of holding out hope. There have been signs of improvement but there have also her bad days mixed in there.

So for now it'll be a gentle goodbye. I will tell him I am here for him if he ever needs someone to talk to. I will wish him well. And I will start my healing process. My heart is broken about it but it's the best thing I can do for myself and for him. I can feel the resentment starting to creep in..

I'm so glad you recognize that you have to put yourself first, always follow your gut, without babbling on and on about reasons why to, it's the best advice that I can give anyone. Once you've spoken to him and explained yourself and it's done chances are you will feel a huge amount of pressure lifted from you. Take care of yourself!

I get that it's hard to let go even when you know it's the best thing for yourself...you're smart, but you're emotions are taking your mind hostage, I'd love nothing more than to save you anymore grief with this "relationship" you're still having with him on some level (I see it that way, do you?) I don't know what to say because I know you can't make your feelings always match up with your sense, heart will often win over head and that's what gets us into trouble.

He has issues, you're aware of them but you still feel some connection to him obviously or it would be a relief to you that he started communicating with another girl.

You have to decide what you really want and stick with it, if being broken up is what you want then checking him out on social media isn't something you should be interested in doing unless you want to confirm he's moving on to give yourself peace of mind, but it almost sounds to me that you're watching him, not liking what you saw and then confronted him about it....that to me means you're not done with him yet in your heart is my guess.

If you're not careful, you will fall right into his game of manipulation and if that's what you want then that's fine (not going to judge you or anyone for who they cannot help being in love with) just be prepared for a crazy relationship cuz he does have issues and YOU KNOW that he does, this way when at some point down the line you finally think, crap, I don't want this crap relationship but then you realize that you've invested even more of your heart to him and then it's going to be way tougher.

AT this point you have to seriously ask yourself, do I want to put myself through this knowing that I'll likely be even more hurt the longer I let this go on OR do I just move on, not follow him to see how he is or what he's up to.

Of course he's going to talk to other girl(s) on social media, he's not dead...often what people say don't add up to their actions, cuz if you were all he loved then he wouldn't be communicating with anyone else would he. As long as YOU LET HIM, he's going to tell you what you want to hear and you're going to want to believe it until you start really seeing his actions, actions that will be the opposite of what he says to you....cuz he's a mess, and only he can help himself by getting professional help, you're probably not qualified to do that so he'll easily be able to manipulate him BUT ONLY IF YOU LET HIM.

The choice is yours, follow either your head or your heart...in time your happiness (or possibly lack of) will show you if you made the right choice, just remember you're putting your heart on the line and expect to be hurt cuz he's a mess and he'll mess you up even if it's not his intentions, he will hurt you if you let him...unless he gets actual help from a professional, and if he gets help there's no guarantees either.

People that are as screwed up as he is can't help it that they don't know how to appreciate the love they receive simply because in their screwed up head they're not thinking about anyone else's thoughts or feeling, just their own, they don't see the destruction they bring to others, only to themselves.