Wife with clinical depression and anxieties

My wife is suffering from a lethal mix of depression, anxieties amongst other things. It’s something she has coped with for a while (years – before me and her) and I think has been provoked (again) by a couple of health issues she has; not anything major, but the fear of death/mortality is a part of her anxiety. But its come to a head now for a few reasons; and each day is a struggle. She’s doing well keeping up appearances doing the things at home and with the kids, but our relationship is currently non existent.   It’s only been this bad for a couple of weeks now. I have been to see the GP about her (because she won’t seek support, counselling etc as she had 40+ 121 sessions in 2011/2012 which focused mainly on her fear of death; but remains adament she can't be helped) and I have spent some serious time talking to telephone counsellors at work this week about what I can do to help her and support her.   The short answer is not a lot. She is fixed on resolving this herself but at the same time it is killing the love we have shared for almost 8 years; and I’m trying my hardest to keep hold of it and make sure she doesn’t lose sight of what we have. I’m told that is what depression does and it is clouding her judgement, but to her, she thinks things are as clear as day. She is working as much as she can, exercising with friends and going out more regularly with colleagues because, from what I’ve read, she can pretend to be a different person when she’s not with me. She can forget the pain she is going through. Her birthday is on Monday, and she’s always been like a kid with birthdays – I found out last night she has put herself down to work Sunday through to Monday morning ; and I know that this is so she can sleep through most of the day and avoid the fuss. We’re supposed to be going out together but I can’t see that happening. She can’t be this fake person around me because she knows it’s all a lie, so I have every confidence that she will decline the opportunity to go out and try to have fun with me.   I have been reading and reading and reading this week, all about what she is going through, or what she tells me she’s going through; and it has made it worse when I have tried to analyse her and ask the questions I need answers to, because she sees it as me smothering her and assuming she is like a text book. It was almost like when I didn’t know the things that I do about depression that she was ok with me; but now, it’s almost like I have learnt too much now, and she doesn’t like that because there’s nothing left now to analyse and talk about .   It’s a waiting game now; because I respected her wish to have some space and we booked her two weeks away by herself to assess the things she needs to. The only problem is that this isn’t for a number of weeks (!) because she is on a strict diet at the moment. The problem is that I am having to wait now to see whether she shows any signs of improvement up until then, and then whether she feels better after having the space. She may decide she doesn’t want to come back! These thoughts right now are unbearable for me – it’s just too much. Whilst I’m not the one who has the mental health issue, it is causing me to have my own.     My only salvation right now is that I am praying she gets back to how she was; because she is everything to me. The most painful thing is that she is absent mentally from anything we have shared or currently have. It sounds dramatic but I would liken it to a bereavement. She is slipping away before my very eyes from me and what we have and I have no control over it. Up until just a few weeks ago, we were best friends, lovers, soul mates – you name it – that has basically been lost in the space of that time due to her current feelings. Words cannot describe my feelings for this woman. I cried uncontrollably throughout my entire speech only a mere 16 months ago; and I would marry her every single day for the rest of my life if I was allowed. She has given me so much and we have shared each others worlds for as long as I can remember. She is the mother to my children and I have the upmost respect for everything she has done and given to our family.   If you can imagine laying your heart our in your hands and expressing every sentiment of love you have for that person and their well being; for it to effectively hit a break wall in that they have no reaction to it, and they then turn your intentions into their own interpretation which is you trying to manipulate their feelings and looking after your own interests, instead of theirs.   The advice I have been given is to be respectful of her wishes for space and to look after my own mental and physical health in the mean time. It’s unbelievably hard to do this because all I want to do is be with her and talk to her; talk her better almost; but I can’t; it won’t work – I can’t make her better. I don’t want to leave her alone because what if she likes that space more than our relationship? Frustrations on my side keep making the situation worse; I keep pandering to her, mollycoddling and doing things which she feels are unnecessary, like just being there to talk, running her baths, buying her flowers, wanting to be with her all the time; you know, the stuff that most men fail to do (including me) when they are busy taking life for granted. But when you’re given no indication that things aren’t ok, then what else can you think? Then when it’s all at risk it’s sometimes not enough. I’m trying to force that connection again, for both of us, but these efforts are only making life worse.   To make matters worse last night I fooloshly ignored her answer of not wanting intimacy. I woke up in the night and thought that maybe if we did, it would help her and even make her happy in some way - we had sex but it felt like I took advantage. It was awkward and completely void of emotion from her side, and this morning she was said to me she felt violated emotionally and that I had violated her personal space. I knew at the time that what I was doing was wrong but I desperately needed this connection with her again and I was putting everything into her taking some joy from it. I've been so foolish because now I have just added to our problems; and I am firstly looking for forgiveness before we can even move on.   She said the most painful things to me so far; and that is that she doesn't want to talk to me or even look at me.   I am at work all day and I can't focus on anything. I feel physically sick, can't eat and can't engage with my children because there is such a huge hole in my life.   I am just at a total loss as to what to do. If she was prepared to seek help this would be an entirely different situation. She will not talk to me about it and especially now after last night, things will be even harder because I have broken her trust with what I did.  Post Edited (MrSensitive) : 4/24/2015 9:16:58 AM (GMT-6)

Welcome to the Healing Well depression forum, I'm so sorry you are going thru this with your wife. I agree with Karen's advice above but thought I'd give you a link for Nami, it has a family resource section, It's National alliance on Mental Illness. I wish you the best, you sound like a wonderful man that loves his wife to pieces, give her some space and I'm sure she will come back to you in time.

/www.nami.org/Find-Support/Family-Members-and-Caregivers

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Fibromyalgia, COPD, Bipolar II, GAD, sleep apnea, arthralgia, insomnia, paresthesia-bilateral feet, degenerative disc disease, diastolic dysfunction, GERD, Hypertension, lumbar disc disease, urinary incontinence, Peripheral neuropathy, Bells Palsy, Tachycardia

It is very difficult when someone we love needs help and does not want it.

I can say from personal expierence, that it is hard, almost unbarable at time to face the truth
and work with ones own depression to get well. It is scarey. Alot of people quit or back off.

All you can do is be there for them, encourage them to get help from therapy. I have been in therapy for 4 years and still going. It does help, it is a long road.

Journaling helps, finding an outlet for emotions in stead of bottling them up.

I wish you peace and strength
Trina

Oh and I'm not based in the States so can't take advantage of Nami but thanks for the suggestion anyway

Mr. S.

You are doing all you can for yourself and the children. This is called self-compassion and it is really your only choice at this point.

Even though you wife is hurting from something, possibly a trauma in her past, perhaps childhood, no one will know unless she seeks help; the fact remains, we as adults are always responsible for our own actions.

She is hurting, emotionally and instead of facing it, she is choosing to hurt someone else instead, she chose you. removing the jewerly, most likely hoping for a fight.

I can suggest this scenario because 4 years ago repressed memories started to come back to me and refused to see. So I tried to pick a fight with my husband at every chance. I knew what I was doing, picking the fights, being mad, all of that. I just didn't know why. But I knew I was wrong.

This is what I mean by being responsible for our own actions. She may not understand it, but she knows what she is doing is not right. So please do NOT blame yourself Mr. S.

Hopefully something will trigger her into getting help. A look on your face, her childrens face.
A dissociation that freaks her out. A smell she encounters on the street. Could be anything.

I wish you Peace comfort and strength
Trina

I think it would be much healthier if you didn't make her the center of your life. Find other interests instead of monitoring her moves. It has to be smothering for her. This is going to only drive her further away and she wont respect you. It sounds like she has been your center for a long time. I know you love her but it isn't healthy for you. Try to find other things to do and think about. Where do the kids fit in here? Are you both making them priority? What are their ages? It sounds like this is totally something going on where you both are putting that first. Moderation in all things. And don't forget the kids. I don't mean to be harsh sounding, but I don't think any of this is healthy for your mental state. Focus on you, not her...

Hugs, Karen...