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Stuck in a dark place

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Posted 6/16/2015 5:05 AM (GMT 0)
I am in the midst of the dark place. cry Nothing I do seems to help. I am in the stage of lethargy and laziness and just wanting to sleep all day. I have never really been treated for depression, but have been diagnosed with major despession disorder. And that's how I feel, disordered. Well, not even that...I have no order. I'm not suicidal. I do have too many things I love about life. But still here I am, just here. Smoking too much, sleeping to much, being reclusive, avoiding phone calls, avoiding life.

To tell you a bit about me...I have been suffering from chronic pain due to back issues since 2004 when I was in my 20's. I am taking 8 different medications just to try and manage my pain levels. I have had depression for years due to this...it is depressing to be in constant pain. But this is different. Its never been this bad. I've never felt this hopeless.

I had spine surgery last year, then found out I had cancer. My best friend/soul sister/closest person to me in this life had cancer at the same time. She was my sister, really. We grew up together, she was the godmother of my children.

When I woke up from my first surgery for the cancer, the first message I got was from my sister, saying that she had been admitted to the hospital. I rushed to her as soon as I could...2 days after my surgery, and stayed in the hospital with her while the cancer sucked her life away. She never left the hospital...she was dead in 6 weeks. I was there when she died. I feel like part of me died with her. My cancer is gone. I guess part of it is survivors remorse. Helplessness.

Since this all began, I have started having severe eczema all over my body from my feet to the top of my head. It is painful and itchy and honestly pretty nasty looking. The doctors say it is from stress. And this is also a contributing factor.

Doctors have wanted to prescribe antidepressants but I already take so much medication that I am hesitant to add even more to the mix. But I need to do something.

I want to move back home, after relocating 3years ago...I want to be with my family and friends and also be there with her mother. But my husband refuses to move back. My home is facing foreclosure, I don't/can't have a job, and its all just falling apart. I know its not hopeless...but I can't shake the hopeless feelings I have.

I just wanted to vent.
Posted 6/16/2015 5:44 AM (GMT 0)
I have M.D.D too and feel your pain ,body pain and depression are connected .please take medication as per doc instructions.
Medications make huge difference and I am a living example of it .
My anxiety and depression is so bad that I sleep most of time and unable to keep a job.
Life is difficult and avoiding makes it worse.
I feel so guilty for missing so many things because of this .
Take it slow and talk here ,we are listening.
I can relate to you .
God bless !
Posted 6/16/2015 8:24 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sore2TheCore,

I would try the antidepressants if I were you. They can help with pain also. If you are taking narcotics, this will add to the depression so be aware of that.

I hope you feel better soon. Thanks for being brave and posting. We are here for you... Always know that...

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/16/2015 12:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sore, welcome to the forum. I am a chronic pain sufferer too and post in that forum as well. I too have excema and know what a 'downer' it can be, especially having the other pain issues. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your 'sister'.

What you call 'the dark place' I call 'the rabbit hole'. It helps to remind me that, just as Alice discovered, it wasn't real. It feels real, and frightening at times, but it is an illusion. I've used a 'gratitude list' for many years now, to help me stay in a better frame of mind. Medications have not been useful to me.

Having this forum where I can post about what is going on, and be instantly understood without having to explain every little detail, has been such a huge help to me. Keep coming, keep posting! You are among friends here!
Posted 6/17/2015 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
SoretotheCore

I have no words to comfort today. Strange I usually do.

From you post I see no reason for your husband stubburness.

You are a Warrior of a special Class. Much to be reveered!

I wish you peace and strength
Trina
Posted 6/17/2015 5:01 PM (GMT 0)

pitmom said...
What you call 'the dark place' I call 'the rabbit hole'. It helps to remind me that, just as Alice discovered, it wasn't real. It feels real, and frightening at times, but it is an illusion. I've used a 'gratitude list' for many years now, to help me stay in a better frame of mind. Medications have not been useful to me.


I don't think you should call the situation that this person has found herself in as "an illusion". Sore2theCore, I am truly sorry. I too have suffered both depression and back pain. I know how hindering and how exasperating they are. I have attempted suicide before.

Taking eight different medications can be tricky to figure what to do about. It's very possible that you may not need all of them. I would suggest try going to a smaller center - a private practice, not a major hospital - to talk about these medications, their possible combination effects, and what they are doing to you. Major hospitals tend, in my experience, to only want to up the medications. Smaller places are usually significantly better.

I would also urge you to get help to stop smoking. The effects of smoking will only drag you down further, and make any chance of recovery much more difficult . . . and you have it difficult enough already. More than enough.

I would not suggest antidepressants. Those are iffy, and can make exhaustion worse. What people really need is a strong sense of identity, and of belonging. Start doing small things you yourself enjoy. Do you like stories? Do you like games? Or gardening? Or drawing? Do a little, just to do them and have a little fun. Pick a movie every night you enjoy, just to watch it and to take a break.

Go to war against your illness. Yes, cancer sucks life away, but fight. Again, find help to find a good doctor and treatment center. If you find you don't trust someone, then don't stick with them (although, admittedly, this is easier said than done), but fight. I think your sister would want you to fight. Talk to your husband and tell him what you truly need. If he does not listen or help you, then you must reach out to your family.

Posted 6/18/2015 12:33 AM (GMT 0)
Please forgive me if I gave the impression that I considered the situation an illusion. That is not what I meant at all! I was speaking for myself. That when I am 'down the rabbit hole' it's not what MY real life is. Feelings are not fact. So, what I may be feeling, at the moment, is not necessarily what reality is. If I'm feeling unloved, the fact is, I am loved by many. If I am feeling useless, the fact is, I am still useful. My feelings are my illusion. I hope that is more clear.
Posted 6/25/2015 5:22 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone for the kind responses. I've been lurking around a little the past few days as I also try to get a handle on the way I am feeling. Not easy...

Just to clarify...

I am currently taking a narcotic or two...my current med cocktail is: oxycodone, flexeril, tramadol, trazadone, skelaxin, ambien, gabapentin and cymbalta. I also have lidocaine patches and a muscle stimulator thing...forgetting the name right now. This mix has been OK and keeps me pretty mellow. I've had others that made me angry, even bordering complete meltdown honestly. I have a great doctor, it is his private practice. He is so good at the esi and nerve ablations, etc.

I've tried reducing medications many times over the years and its awful. I love the feeling of not being medicated...but within weeks i am in horrible pain. He understands my hesitation to get on antidepressants. The cymbalta and trazadone both have antidepressant elements, also. I am going to start seeing a psychologist when I get back. I want to dig myself out of this darkness

And my cancer is gone...it was early stage and the offending body part was removed, I am cancer free. My sis howthis darknessom cancer while I was undergoing treatment for mine. She died the end of 2014. Her death has rocked me to the core. I am going to visit her mother next week, it will be emotional but I love being able to be around her. Her mother and I have a very strong bond and I want to be there for her as much as possible...

and pitmom, I was not offended...I have had similar ways of dealing with it in the past. I am in the worst depressed state I've ever been in but things are so out of control right now I've never had so many negative things happening to me. Its just too much, I'm trying to shake it but it ain't moving. Before I could say well at least I have a job I love, or at least I have my family around, or, etc. But now I have no job, disability takes too long and we are more broke than ever before. And I live halfway across the country from all my family and close friends. I desperately want to move home but my husband refuses. We own a home there that is about to be in foreclosure, we could save it if we moved back. But he won't. So I'm also facing that mess, too. I got plenty of lemons but I can't figure out how to make lemonade right now. 😢
Posted 6/25/2015 5:25 AM (GMT 0)
And yes, I desperately need to stop smoking. I had quit for soooo long and started again last summer when everything went to hell. I'm almost to the point of quitting again. But just not there yet. 😧
Posted 6/25/2015 5:42 AM (GMT 0)
Cilly....it does sound like you really know what I'm going through. I am making myself a hermit. This past week I have made myself leave the house even if just to go to the store. But I canceled plans with a friend to coffee, and another for lunch, and am dreading a birthday party on Friday. I leave for my hometown Saturday and will be surrounded by my family and friends back home so I suspect I will feel much better once there. I miss everyone so much.

Stay strong Cilly and thank you for your support. 💓

Getting by, I also thank you for your kindness and support. Read above for my comments on the antidepressants. I will talk to my doctor about it at my next appointment.

Bnot... Omg I really wish my husband would snap out of it. It sucks because I was the one who wanted to move here for a job. I never thought I would be stuck here because he wouldn't want to move back. But he is absolutely refusing to the point that he won't even talk about it anymore. 😣

Nate, thank you. 😊 very wise words. See above post for some clarity on my medication situation...I have tried to get off meds and every time ended up worse. Also, my cancer is gone. Thank goodness. And my sis would be angry at me for reclusing myself. I have wonderful friends, even here in my new state, but I am withdrawing. I am trying something new...which is forcing myself to do something everyday to get out of the house. Tomorrow I am going to hang out at the pool with my daughter. That should help my back and I will get some exercise. I also started a diet to help shed some of the extra pounds I've put on since all the surgeries and my extreme laziness and fatigue. Eat nap eat nap is no longer my daily schedule. Hopefully.

Thanks again to all of you for the support and care and suggestions.
Posted 6/25/2015 7:33 AM (GMT 0)
sending many healing thoughts.
Posted 6/25/2015 12:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hello again Sore. I'm so glad to hear you've beaten cancer!

I wonder if your husband might be feeling that returning would indicate defeat or that he is somehow inadequate support for you? Perhaps he will soften his attitude in the future.

When SSD insisted on going Direct Deposit I was soooo upset. Getting that check in the mail and HAVING to go to the bank to deposit it actually helped keep me from just "hermitizing"! Once I was up and dressed, out the door for that errand, it was easier to 'stay out' for a while.

I refuse to write a check for my car insurance, because my agent still accepts payments at his office. At least once a month I have a 'good reason' to go out. I refuse to mail my rent check for the same reason. It must be taken to the main office downtown. Most people don't understand my need of an 'excuse' to leave my house, much less bother getting dressed!

It's strangely comforting to know I'm not the only one!
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