Help with BPD...

Hi. I am a 55 yr old female looking for some advice on BPD/depression. Horrible childhood with neglect/sexual(incest)/physical/verbal abuse. I get that all these things messed me up ALOT, and have tried counselling and medication in the past. But Neither helped very much. The BPD causes me so much trouble and I am depressed and can't stop thinking suicide is my only option... I don't have insurance and cant afford therapy. I think the medication didn't work for me as there aren't really any drugs that work for BPD and honestly if I could even somehow find a Dr who deals with BPD...it is such a mountain to climb that I'm just not up for the years of therapy involved. I know if I****** my daughter would be right behind me and that's what keeps me here suffering. Any thoughts ???

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/24/2015 10:55:01 AM (GMT-6)

There is what is called a "sliding scale" for people with no insurance. As your local mental health facility about that.

Suicide isn't an option. Like you said, your daughter will suffer. Anybody who loves you will go through hell.

There are many bipolar medications, if one didn't work, you can try another. The situation isn't hopeless.

We have a good bipolar forum also if you would like to visit. It is perfectly fine if you stay with us though.

Please talk to your doctor, or call somebody to get help. It stinks to be so depressed that you don't want to go on. But the next day could always be better. Talking here helps. And as Trina said, check out the resource thread at the top of the page, I believe it is the second thread.

I hope you feel better soon. Let people around you help and let them love you. When we are depressed, especially a low, we tend to not like ourselves very much. We tend to see all the negative points in our lives, try to think of some positives and write them down to remind you.

Hugs, Karen...

Thx Trina & Karen for replying. I don't qualify for Medicaid due to my husband's income. He is a single practice attorney in a small town...he barely makes enough to keep the doors open. Therapy is really expensive as are trial & errors of numerous medications. I really don't feel I have Bipolar....but Borderline Personality Disorder due to having 7 of the 9 criteria and being nearly 100% textbook for symptoms(except for impulsiveness) and from what I read meds don't help much...if at all, which is probably why they didn't work in the past. No friends, estranged from family but for daughter/son. I do hang on for their sake, but they would be better off without me, as my issues make me act ridiculous at times.

Thx Karen. I do read ALOT all the time. Of course many self-help books but other stuff too. (LOVE Stephen King) I do appreciate you responding to my post and hopefully I will feel better talking to others who "get me". My hubs is supportive, but doesn't have a clue what it's like to feel like this, so when I " go dark" as he calls it...he just leaves me alone cuz he doesn't know what else to do...and I do tend to rage at who ever is available sadly.

Thanks. I'm trying to hang in there. I do have a doctor and she believes I have Borderline Personality Disorder as well and wants me to get counselling. Hasn't suggested medication which is OK cuz from 1990 til 2003 or 4 I was on the medication rollercoaster, and it was bad...so many side effects!! Back then I had BC/BS insurance with a low copay and could try different meds. Tried many many rxs but nothing really made me stop having mood swings/depression\anxiety/horrible rages/suicidal thoughts and soooo many other issues. I was also seeing several therapists not all at the same time...but couldn't find one who understood BPD. Or maybe they did !! I've read over and over its the worst diagnosis/prognosis anyone can have and therapist hate dealing with "us". =( Might ask Dr about something for mood control cuz I really need some help in that department.

I found the mood stabilizer also helps my antidepressant work better. It slows my thinking down too which is good. I think way too much. I also do meditation and mindfulness. Both which really help.

I HOpe that things are a bit better today.

Hugs, Karen...

I take abilify but it went generic and I can't place the name right now. I had to double the generic dose to get relief. I took abilify for years. The generic is now working. I am very moody. I think I have bipolar mood swings too. But doc says I am just depressed. We'll see.

I hope you feel better soon Vicky.

Take care and have a good day!!!

Hugs, Karen...

Basically for mood. But it is also for psychotic and bipolar. But I find my mood has a lot to do with my depression. I use to be very moody. Also it helps me not to overthink things. It is working for me now since I upped the dose. I am very happy about that. I feel so much better. It took a couple of weeks to start helping again though.

The generic is still kind of expensive, but with insurance, I pay 10.00 so that is good. I was paying 30.00 before and the original cost was over 600.00. I can't believe the prices of some of these medications.

I guess the drug companies have to make their money.

I hope you are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen...

Hi Pitmom, I'm a catmom myself....unless Pitmom stands for something else. Thanks for replying to my post. I wish I could get things "right sized". Instead, I drag around a huge amount of hate, mainly for the woman who gave birth to me...can't really bring myself to refer to her as my mom as I don't consider her worthy of the title. So much hate too for A LOT of other people who failed me as a child and ruined my life. I have never been formally diagnonsed with BPD...(I'm textbook, tho not really all that impulsive but then I almost 56) but I think that's cuz its too much for ALOT of therapist to deal with, who only have 12 visits to make you better, so I was deemed depressed and given a script and sent home. I will definitely check out the author you suggested, thanks.

vmh, I agree that books are much cheaper than therapists!

I'd like to give you an example from my life. One of the most difficult situations for me is whenever something of mine gets damaged. I tend to get extreme in my response to it. My thoughts start with..."I can't have anything nice!" and build from there, bring with it childhood hurts and present circumstances until I am in a rage and extremely depressed.

I had no idea that this all started back in my young life when my brothers were playing 'keep away', tossing a beloved stuffed lion of mine that I had won at a carnival, back and forth over my head. The toy got broken open and the stuffing started coming out. My frustrated and fearful shouts went unheeded by them and while they said they were 'sorry' it wasn't sincere. They thought I was making a big deal out of nothing.

Now, add a lifetime of other experiences...a tear in a favorite pair of jeans, a boyfriend that left me for another girl, not getting that promotion at work, etc. and you can imagine how explosive I became.

You see, every single experience that followed was dealt with by a 7 year old mindset. I was 'stuck'. I didn't look at it from any other perspective. I was that same little girl feeling fearful and unimportant, as though my wants and needs were never considered, powerless, insignificant, weak. I could lengthen the list.

Things are not 'perfect' today but I know I am NOT unimportant, NOT powerless, NOT insignificant, NOT weak. I don't have to continue to be 'stuck' at 7 years old. I am turning 55 this fall. I don't always act my age, mind you, but I don't have to be mentally and emotionally 'stuck' and respond the same way I always used to. It takes constant work on my part. It is easy to slip back into that childhood mindset, especially when it seems situations repeat themselves with minor variations. I AM WORTH THE WORK!

A month ago, we had to call an exterminator in for bed bugs. I've discarded beds, cabinets, books, anything that couldn't be blasted with pesticide or put in the washer and dryer. The 7 year old 'me' has been throwing a temper tantrum but the 55 year old me just puts her in 'time out' and gets on with what must be done. Then, I 'treat' myself to a little something nice...a peaceful few minutes sipping tea watching the goldfinches in my garden or a trip to the store to buy a new tablecloth.

In this way, I help 7 year old me heal. I pay attention to her, but in a much healthier way.

Doing that 4th step inventory and talking it all over with an understanding person changed my life. It's not too late to heal.

Get the book "the sexual healing journey" and the workbook too. This is an excellent book to get through things and leave them in the past where they belong.

Best wishes,

Hugs Karen...

Thanks Karen. I'm going to load that book on my Kindle today. I find reading self help books a valuable resource.

Cool. I'll check that one out too...God knows my "child within" needs to be healed. My childhood effects me every day all these many years later. It's sad and makes me so angry that those first relatively few years have had such a huge negative effect on my life, personality, views, basically EVERYTHING ! I guess it makes sense tho that as a child you don't know what is what and if the folks in charge don't either....well its a disaster. I can't help being angry at the one person who was suppose to love me (and bros) enough to keep us safe and dropped the ball repeatedly. But then she as an abused 17 yr old mom herself who thought marrying an alcoholic physical abuser was a good idea along with having 2 more kids by age 21. If that's not a recipe for disaster I don't know what is !!! I will definitely read those two books. Thank you for suggesting them, and also for your kindness.