Help with BPD...

I really do get that all that crap wasn't my fault. And it would have been nearly impossible to be a good mom to 3 kids when she was such a mess herself, so young with bad parents and being an abuse victim and all. But I know the things I did for my kids and the sacrifices I made for them. I never in a million years would have let my daughter be around the same person who sexually abused me like she did. Who does that ??? In my self help reading, over and over I've read how abusive childhoods cause actual brain damage and really...how is it possible to get past/over the trauma that wounds so deeply that it damages your brain ?? I wishI could like myself enough

I guess maybe you could find a structural way to deal with what happened in your past. Just don't let it control you now.

Keep reading the books. And go one day at a time. Don't let it flood you. Easier said than done at times.

I guess the past has a way of coming back no matter how old we are. I have a relative that wants to see me on Friday. She was abusive mentally to me when I was little. I am going to try to meet her and see where it goes. My family was so messed up. Much jealousy going on. I got the brunt of it. We'll see what happens on Friday...

I am 56, so we are close to the same age, right???

I hope you have a good day. Keep posting, it helps...

Hugs, Karen...

Wow...You are brave Karen, I couldn't bring myself to see anyone in my family. Good thing they all live 1200 miles away and I never have to ! Back in 2012 my daughter got married and sent invites to them and they all came...ewwwww. I ended up going to the ER with panic attacks from dreading the whole thing so much, and could only make it through the outdoor ceremony...then ran off !! I will be 56 at the end of October, so I'm 56 ish too. ewwwww ! Hard to believe that I'm this old and still haven't figured out how to let my past be the past. I often wonder if she (mom) had ever apologized or tried to explain or ANYTHING, if it would make any kind of difference...probably not. I wrote her a scathing letter several years ago to "unload" not expecting a response and didn't get one. She most likely didn't even read it, cuz it would spoil her day. =( Good luck seeing mean lady...I'd be too scared to see her.

I really encourage you to read Joyce Meyer's story "One Life". I am not trying to get anyone to believe anything in any way. It just might inspire you to see things in a different light from someone who has gone through the same things you have.

She says "I may not have had a good beginning...but I am going to have a terrific end!"

Don't let the beginning hold you back from a terrific end.

vmh, my ex husband used to abuse me. I thought that, once he was dead, those angry feelings would go away. Not so. It's not automatic. I have to remind myself that the partner I am with now is NOT anything like him, even if they do or say something similar. The motive is different, the background is different, the experience is different. I've learned to live "on second thought". My first reaction is always going to be related to my past, but, on second thought, I don't have to respond to the reaction.

Dealing with our son is difficult. He is so much like his father. Sometimes I walk on eggshells. When his father died, I'm glad I was told over the phone so he couldn't see me smile. Keeping the 'smile' out of my voice wasn't easy. The love I have for our son outweighed the 'hate' I had for his father.

There is another book, by a neuroscientist who is also a Christian, Dr. Carolyn Leaf. The book is "Who Switched Off My Brain?" It discusses research into 'rewriting' toxic memories. It explains how each experience goes through different stages and how in the early stages, we can either accept or reject the information. Once it is past there, it (the thought) goes into the 'library' of our memories, pulls out any similar experiences which reinforce the thought. It goes on to explain how we can edit the memories, replace them with other more pleasant memories and in so doing, 'rewrite' the memories. Sort of like taping over an old v.c.r. tape. I found it fascinating and helpful.

The fact that you are unwilling to continue living in the manner you have been and are reaching out for help, for options, is HUGE! You can overcome your past. You can conquer it. You can make it work FOR you, not against you.

vmh, every journey starts with just one step. I had (have) so many 'character defects' I didn't know where to start. My sponsor had me start a journal. She told me to write about my day, as I went through the day, and to be as honest as I possibly could. The next day, she would come over and we would review what I had written. "The defect of the day" as it were.

My first entry was about how I wanted to 'kill' my 7 year old son for dripping cherry ice pop on my new white sofa. Remember, "I can't have anything nice". So, very patiently, my sponsor began to review the circumstances leading up to this entry.

She said, "Let me get this straight...you have 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cats, you live in a trailer with no air conditioning, it's August and really hot. Why in the world did you buy a WHITE sofa?!"

So I tell her, "I needed a new sofa and white was the only color I could get that day to take home with me."

Then she says, "So, why did you let him eat a cherry ice pop on the sofa?"

"Because he couldn't see the t.v. from the kitchen and I didn't want to listen to him whine."

Impatience was the defect of the day. "I want what I want when I want it and to hell with the consequences." I did not think of the 'long term' when making my decision to buy the sofa or from letting him eat a drippy ice pop. My reaction was extreme. But, I had set the ball rolling in the first place.

My childhood experience with the stuffed animal was not my fault in any way but it started a chain of reactions to similar situations that led me to be explosive in situations that WERE under my control.

On the wall in my living room I have a saying..."The best things in life aren't things." Having this little reminder is a big help to me. Seeing it every day helps keep it in the front of my mind. I have things all over the house now. In the bathroom..."It's nice to be important but, it's more important to be nice." In the bedroom..."Of all the things you could be, BE YOURSELF" In the kitchen..."Every step of the journey is the journey."

That journal really helped me, one day at a time, to see my more glaring issues that needed to be dealt with a little at a time. One sentence from Step 4 in the book still stands out in my mind..."We invariably find that we had made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt." The survival instinct is to 'protect self'. Problem is, my instincts are very warped. So, my decisions didn't take into consideration how they would effect others. I'm still learning. At least I no longer buy white sofas!