What is wrong with me?

I am no longer part of the world. I have become isolated from everyone. I may speak to my youngest child every few days (she lives out of town) but other than that no one bothers to call or visit. I only leave to shop or pick up my mail (at post office) at 2 or 3 in the a.m. I am 47 and have been separated from my husband (who has moved on) for about 9 years. I haven't dated in a few years (I think 3). My depression and paranoia, which began a little over a year ago, have choked the life out of me. I have about 5 more months of savings I can live off of (can't hold a job). I seem to screw everything up, my familial relationships, my employment, aquainted relations ect. I'm educated but can't seem to hold a conversation without going to 'the stupid side', even simple decision making seems to always be regrettable. What's wrong with me? I've even gone so far as to write out my suicide as a plan ie. what I need to do before I die. This is no kind of life. I was really torn up after a phone call from my middle daughter and called the suicide hotline because that was the night I was going to do it without thought to completing what I had to do, the woman on the hotline HUNG UP on me. I called my daughter back and had to leave a message (sobbing and begging her to call) - she called... 3 days later and asked what I wanted. I called my sister, same message, she didn't bother to call me at all. I didn't used to think I was that unloveable. I'm not a mean person, I was a person that was confident and people came to when then needed help with something. I'm wasting space and its quite obvious that I wouldn't be missed. Please... can someone tell me what's wrong with me?

Call your primary care doctor, and make an emergency appointment. Please?

Depression can lead normally emotionally healthy people to make bad decisions and feel hopeless.

You do not deserve to feel hopeless.You deserve help. Call your PCP NOW, or in a crisis, go to the ER.

I have nothing else but--your feelings are not accurate. They are the depression talking, not you. Depression is akin tot hat old devil on the shoulder, and the good angel isn't working anymore.

This is not just something you can ignore. Please go to the PCP and tell her what you have told us. If you have a local health clinic, you can go to them.

I am unemployed in my field, and working part-time where I can. I understand all about non-essential bills. We all have personal and family issues that make our condition worse and complicated. You see, we really get where you are coming from.

Please do not shrug this off as unnecessary. When self-harm enters the picture, letting someone who can help know is top on your list. If not yours, then mine. Please.

keep posting. try and not isolate. many healing thoughts. I use to think what else is going to go wrong, albeit I now focus on what is right instead. we are all works in progress; it takes guts and determination; posting is a very good start. it will get better; become a work in progress. little steps to start with. we care.

emtyp, welcome. I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties. I hope you can stop thinking about what was said about you when you were 4!! That's more of a commentary on the folks that were responsible for your upbringing than about you and your siblings.

Let's look at the facts. You've been married (a.k.a. a relationship) You've had children (more relationships) You're educated, have been employed, have savings. Sounds pretty 'normal' to me.

Let's look at the fiction. It seems to me you are 'taking the blame' for the failure of your marriage and the problems with your children. Whenever there are two people involved we each bring our 'issues' into any relationship. There is no one side to lay all of the blame on.

Conversing with others is not any easy proposition (at least for me). I have discovered that, in order to make myself feel 'important', I tend to correct people constantly. I've made people feel 'wrong' or 'stupid' and if they don't see things my way, I get angry. Not the best way to go about being a friend! Knowing this, I tell people about my tendency and ask them to stop me if I start doing it!

I had no problem finding jobs, keeping them was a different story! My solution was to go to work for a 'temporary employment' agency. They would send me out for work for a few days, or a few weeks, or even a few months. If either I or the 'employer' didn't think it was working out, the agency would just move me on to the next assignment and send another temp to replace me.

Now, I'm on disability. You have savings which means you have used good judgement when it comes to money.

You are here with us, another act of good judgement!

Don't compare your insides with someone else's outsides. Most folks only 'appear' to be 'happy'. We have no way of knowing what's really going on inside them!

Dear emty - I am so sorry that everything feels like too much for you right now. Everyone here has given you excellent advice - please hear this advice and reach out. You have reached out here already, which is a big first step. We are all dealing with depression, and know how lonely it can make you feel.
I will just reiterate what others have said and urge you to reach out to someone who can hopefully counsel and support you. I know for me, taking one step at a time is the only way to get better.

Hope