Any advice for caregivers?

Hello to all

I am new in this forum, but I'm pleased to know that it has advice for many health topics.
I would like to get some opinions about the things you might do with a man that refuses or is very insecure about getting any treatment for depression. AND that is far away from were I live.

I knew him online, back in 2009, when I was searching for some concerts tickets in another city. He helped me and we started chatting, we liked each other a lot and agreed to meet up for the concert. He told me he was deppresive and that he thought that he had agoraphobia.

I traveled but sadly he did not make it to the concert. I called him so I could meet him at his home but he shut down. Later on, when I travelled back home, he told me that he couldn't manage to get out of his flat, so he ended up selling his tickets.

He told me that he started to suffer with depression and panic attacks at 16, today he is 38 and he has not received a proper diagnosis. He also has certain type of scoliosis (nothing super serious) in his back and for some irrational reason he thinks that this issue is the root of his problems. In his eyes he thinks he is deformed.

Later on I traveled to meet him in 2011. We were together for a month, and that helped me to see directly how his life is with these illnesses. Before this visit he had been living with a steady partner for 6 months and obviously we had some conflicts for this reason.

In this time I saw that he hardly leaves his flat becuase he suffers with panic attacks, he lives on his sofa (he does not rest in his bed), his sleep patterns are a mumble jumble, drinks beer and smokes a lot, he has a very negative image of himself, he doesn't have a job, he doesn´t feel able visit anyone, or to go to any public places, shops, buses, the street and so on. We managed to go to a cinema, some BBQs with his family and we also made the arrangements for his passport.

In that opportunity I saw that he needs a lot of assistance from his mother, she visit's him 3-4 times in a week.
In that visit I was mourning the recent death of 2 relatives from terminal illnesses. So I was not in my 100%. What a situation indeed.

Saying goodbye after that visit was hell. I was very worried about this health, but I did not insist a lot about him looking for medical treatment. I really wish I knew more about how to help a depressed one in that time.

After that visit we kept talking but we did not have the chance to see each other. I did not have enough income and with all those health problems he just couldn't travel. Despite this I started to search for medical help and support groups in this city...for him and his mum.

I have always kept contact with his mother, she is very kind with me and I can talk to her openly about her son's health problems. I just couldn't be alone with all this.

In the end of 2013 I had a work trip and I managed to visit him again. I only stayed for one week, but I took the medical information and gave it to his mother. He gets very pissed when someone talks about medical help.

Right now he can only imagine two solutions for this situation:

1. Dying (he is convinced that he is going to die in the next 2 or 3 years because his parents are old and if they die, no one will take care of him)

2. Living with someone else in his flat, like a girlfriend or a wife. He says that this will be a motivation for searching help. He says that he needs someone that gives up her life at least for some years in order to live with him and help him out. But in my mind I think that this is such a heavy burden for anyone, it sound like he is looking for a saviour, a kind of magical solution and that is not realistic. And he is locked up in this option...if this does not happen he does not want to try any other thing.

Going back home on this second visit was very sad too. Seeing him in worst conditions than in 2011, he couldn't even stand his shoes because he did not get out of his flat between October 2011 to October 2013 was shattering for me. He was very mad at me, he had a very impulsive reaction, saying that I harmed him and that he felt abandoned.

He did not seem to understand that I just can't leave my life in another city all of a sudden. And he does not understand yet that he NEEDS medical help. I would reconsider things if he would accept and start to receive therapy and medicine. BTW he takes clonazepam...when he's in crisis.

In the end of 2014 his father had a something like a brain stroke, and during all this year he has been on a medical treatment to walk again. And to complete this complicated situation, 3 months ago his favorite uncle died of a heart attack.

But I think that this has made him think a bit. He is going to visit his father (he has not visited him in the last year ked:shoc: ) OMG. Obviuosly he is very scared because he will see a lot of changes in this family.

He also started to organize his house because it was very messed up. But then he discovered some damages in his clothes made by his cat, and believe me or not...this put him down again.

I would visit him again, but I am afraid that I would only make things worse.

What would you do?

And a big thank you to all those who manage to read this post. Thank you for your comments

I agree with Trina, and welcome to the forum by the way...

It sounds like he has become comfortable with this situation. People helping him and him not leaving the house. I would be very careful.

If he were to help himself, this would be different. And he has to do that first and foremost. You can love from a distance. I think this would be very depressing for you if you were to go there and stay. I think he would take advantage of your kindness.

Take care of you!!!

Hugs, Karen...

In first place, thank you for reading and answering.
It's kind of a relief, because I can't seem to be able to talk about this problem with anyone in this moment.
And it is also important to have an external point of view. I believe that I get all wrapped up in this situation and I can't judge things clearly.

Thank you for the people pleasing information. I am sure that I have a lot of characteristics that the article mentions. I like approval a lot, but thankfully it's not the center of my behaviour and relations with other people. I please myself a lot and I try to do the same with others. My work, friends and family are an important part of life. I also have discipline in my work, I travel a lot and I am constantly planning trips and things that I enjoy. I have been a caregiver to 2 close relatives and that has taught me a lot about what is really important in my life. Sometimes I say that I am very hedonistic. I love my life and thank goodness I don't have any serious health problems.

I also know that I can't fix many things, and each to it's own, specialy in the subject of mental illness. The person that suffers must be convinced and has to compromise with the treatment. I have given him a bunch of information so he can make an appointment in the future. Right now he is not being realistic and he has very fixed ideas about the circumstances that he "needs" for his recovery. I believe that he is not ready to visit a doctor yet. I wonder if he ever will be. :(

That is sad, because it's hard to see a person that has a lot of things to live for...and that just can't manage to do it and also refuses help. But I understand it's all up to him. He is a grown up and he must take the situation in his own hands. He has to understand that he is not going to control his illnesses without medical supervision.

Thanks also for pointing out about the title...caregiver is one thing. And taker is another...totally bad isn't it?

And yes...I agree that he is spoiled, his mother has a hard time pointing his health issues out to him. But sadly she is part of the vicious cycle, doing his shopping, solving his problems. She needs medical assistance too. I hope she realizes this some day.

I will keep comunication friendly, that's all I can do.

Thank you so much for your messages. I am very grateful for them and for this supportive community.

In life sometimes bad things happen all at once.
I just had news that his best friend passed away. He must be shocked, I suppose so because he has shut down in the last days. Oh my gosh.

I don't think so. At least not right now. He does not leave his flat, he didn't even visit his sick dad in the hospital. And that was a bit more than a year ago. Tough stuff.

Yes of course, that is totally true.
He has to help himself and make a big introspection. He has to choose and make a decision.
I don't feel guilty thank goodness. Life has these big and awful challenges sadly and I have done a lot already.

Thanks for your words! ;)

Maybe the new lady can take over with the worry of him. I wonder if this is an opportunity for you to step back???

Hugs, Karen...

Know you did the best that you could. He has to help himself...

You are a good person, never forget that...

Hugs, Karen...

Thank you for your answers Getting By and BnotAfraid.
It 's a relief and almost liberating to write here and to receive your posts.

Of course I am hurt with this. Even more when he has not had the balls to tell me the truth about it.
In the last days he was making fun out of my travels and journeys, joking that if I stopped traveling I would already have enough money to buy a car. Making little details into big silly discussions, for example making a big fuss about a clothing reform that he asked for and that did not come out well...saying that there will be big problems with lots of anger with the seamstress that did the reform.

Also laughing about my preferences in music, life and stuff like that.
Also saying that memories are garbage and that the only things that count are objects and money.
He has gone bonkers.

It's almost unbelievable that some people can turn out like this. What a shame.

I will breathe deeply, thank goodness I have a lot of work to do and I have other things to look over in my life.

But I suppose it's a lesson learnt in a hard way.

Thanks for your words and your attention.

I really needed this advice.

And now things seem pretty official. He is in love with another person, and he did not give a piece of garbage about how I would feel.

I guess I will take some time for myself and continue. Hopefully this weird stinging discomfort will pass. I must confess that I feel a bit foolish though.

Thank you so much for your words!
Hugs to all :)

Some people in life are givers and some are takers. He is a taker. This not your fault.

I will state again, like I do so many times, that people pass through our life for a reason. We also learn something from them if we take the time to look and feel. Growing strong from that information, ready to take on what will come next, joy, hardship, stability, change. Whatever it will be you are better for this experience.

I would hope that we all learn to know beat ourselves up for being kind to another human being. Wether they acknowledge it or not, the world needs more kindness, not more apathy, rudeness or hate.

Do not change what your heart is, sit quietly, listen to it and let it be.

You are a good person, we are here to support, listen and validate your feelings and actions.

Peace
Trina

Well he sent in an email today, saying that he did not expect that I would cut contact with him. That he did not expect that kind of attitude from me...I suppose that he is trying to make me feel guilty. No freaking way. I'm not his doormat for goodness sake.

As BnotAfraid wrote "The fact that he is already latching on to another is showing that he is looking for a caretaker not a mate. A replacement for his mother"
Sad but true, he wants someone that always gives in to his demands. That always says yes and with his same point of view. Someone to manipulate :(
His new person is 18 years old. And he is 38....in another long-distance relation. Well that is not my business, but that is part of the picture now.

I have dodged a bullet .... as BnotAfraid said.

I will get over this but it's being so effing hard.

Post Edited (NatCat) : 10/19/2015 8:20:50 PM (GMT-6)

Thank you so much Karen.

That's what I'm trying to convince myself. I don't want to tolerate a lousy and intransigent attitude from his part (well from nobody really).

That's the word: protection. I am trying to get away from the stuff that is making me hurt.

I am trying to keep my daily life as normal as possible, doing my day job, trying to set time for my sewing hobbies, I've tried to meet with my friends, but fixing the schedule right now is almost impossible.
I feel better posting this situation here, I have a lot of trouble to talk about it. And my close friends and family are very busy for this.

It's great to reach out here :)