Hi, I’m a 21 year old girl who just graduated from university and (somehow) been offered the job of my dreams. Even though I am lucky and should be grateful, I feel awful and lacking energy.
Feeling down is not new to me. I had tricky elements to my childhood (though mild compared to some), as most do. Either these experiences or something within me lead to pretty regularly self-harm, shyness, wallowing, not sleeping, eating too much, writing god awful angsty poetry and generally struggling. I had friends and things did sometimes get better, but I would say I was largely unhappy though bearably so. At university, I binged pretty horrifically on alcohol and sex. It was a whirlwind, a blur. Sadness and anxiety grew, I had problems sleeping and I drank far too much, destructively and more often alone. I struggled very much with feelings of guilt, but at the same time wanted attention. On the surface I had an active social life and was pretty confident.
Then I graduated 6 months ago and had my first ever panic attack just after. Which was, of course, awful, but I kind of put it to the side. But over the last few months, I have had recurring panic attacks every month or so, sometimes more, though milder than the first one. Pretty severe anxiety, where I struggle to really relax, and cry very suddenly and easily. I feel guilty for a lot of things, like I am taking up too much space, a burden - but I have been feeling that for years. Most nights, I imagine falling off a building or being stabbed or cutting myself, uncontrollable thoughts, though I am not suicidal.
I had been struggling to find a job, and I initially put my feelings down to that. Then I got the job interview (of my dreams, yeah that one), got absolutely accidentally drunk the night before alone - which I recognise as a problem - to the point where I smash the glass I am drinking from, cut myself deliberately with it, go to bed hours after I intended, and have one of the worst hangovers I have ever had on the morning of the interview.
Somehow I get the job. Instead of feeling better, I feel like a cloud has come over me even more. I think it’s fear that I won’t live up to it. My sleep has got even worse, as I dread going to bed - I know it will take me so long to get to sleep and that I will sometimes regularly wake up during the night. But in the morning, I don't want to move from my duvet. I cry almost daily, at the tiniest of things. I just feel fuzzy and disinterested. Though I should be excited about
this new job, I feel hopeless and unworthy, like a fraud. Haven’t felt this bad in years. Not so much dreading starting work, as just viewing it with a kind of dim hopelessness.
I’ve tried pretty successfully to stay away from the alcohol though for a week or so (go me)… Alcohol, actually, feels less of a problem than it used to. I tend to use it in social situations to become more confident, that's my main problem. Binging like I did before my job interview hasn't happened in months (apart from that time of course). If anything, at the moment I just don't feel like I deserve alcohol. Feel sick at the idea. Which is opposite to my usual coping mechanisms. But a slip up could happen very easily.
What’s wrong with me? Anything? Should I go to a doctor? I worry that it’s just me wallowing in self pity. Maybe it’ll get better when I get distracted by my job? I don’t know what to do.
The worst of it is that I know I should be so thankful for everything I have, but feel like i can’t do anything with it and don't deserve it.
Thanks guys. Apologies for the length.
Post Edited (hatecompingupwithusernames) : 12/18/2015 7:50:47 PM (GMT-7)