Daughters' depression has become my depression

Though your daughter doesn't seem to want to help herself, you still need to help yourself. Her problems are not yours. Go on the vacation and have a good time. Leave the worries behind.

We can't fix others with depression. We can make suggestions but it is up to them to get better. Don't take on her burdens. Stay strong.

Have a merry Christmas, and enjoy the vacation with your husband.

Hugs, Karen...

Thank you Karen. I know you are right and I need to take care of myself. In the daytime I can convince myself of that, the nights are a different story. I only have control of my life and how I react. Merry Christmas and thank you again for responding.

Merry Christmas! Enjoy being a 'snowbird'!

As parents, we never stop worrying about our children. Someone told me once that worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair. You can work up a sweat, but never get anywhere!

You've done what you 'can', now do what you 'may'.

Maybe if you practice mindfulness her depression wont affect you so much. I think when it comes to our children, no matter what age, it is hard to disconnect.

I really think once you get away and try to forget about it, you will have a nice time. I hope so anyway.

There is a site called "mindful.org" that can help you. It helps a person not think so much. Therefore you focus on the here and the now. I wish you the best.

Hugs, Karen...

Yes. There is a name for what you are suffering. It's called Motherhood!

I think the problem starts when we are responsible for 'kissing the boo boo's to make it all better'. We somehow turn it into being the fixer of all of life's problems.

Whether it is a physical illness or not, heartbreak, disappointment, etc., we still feel responsible. I had to learn to separate 'fact' from 'fiction'. I wasn't the 'best example' for a lot of things, not the 'best teacher' but she has been an 'adult' for 15 years now and whatever decisions she makes good or bad are hers and not mine. I look back at my own life and recall the times my own mother tried to keep me from making many of the same mistakes she had made, to no avail. It is the 'circle of life'.

I am grateful my mother lived long enough to hear me say "You were right, Mom. I should have listened to you sooner.". I pray I may live long enough to hear the same from my kids!

Try not to be concerned about what others may think about your decision to go and live your life. She is choosing to live hers her way after all.

Merry Christmas to everyone. I can't thank you enough for the advice and kind words. It does help to know that someone can relate to what you are going through. I would like to say I am all better and feeling great but that may take awhile. I am still feeling sick and nothing has really changed with my daughter. I will be busy with Christmas stuff for the next two days and getting ready for our trip right after. I am pretty good at the busy stuff, it keeps me from thinking so much. I am trying the meditation but right now my mind seems more powerful than my body. I can't keep the concentration going.....I will keep trying. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and 2016 will be even better

Oh, boy, the tears are rolling down my face as I read your post, because I am in a similar situation. My 24 year old son has struggled with depression for the past few years. He is very pained by the world- animal cruelty, greedy government, etc. As I write this, we just had a conversation where he can't understand why I am not vegan, and he compared meat-eating to a holocaust. I try to explain to him that we live under one roof and we need to agree to disagree- but he doesn't understand. (I have also told him that he can get a job and get his own apartment, but I don't think he is in the right mental state for this right now.) I offered to go to one of his therapist appointments with him, but he said, "I'll pass".
I, myself, see a therapist because I want to be a good mother and support him as best I can, but need to keep my own feet on the ground as well. She is working with me on accepting the fact that "I can be ok, even if my son is not". A tall order for a mother to accept- but I know that I cannot get myself sick over this (easier said than done sometimes!)
My husband and I have been talking about taking a vacation for months, but I have put off making plans because of the situation. I know this is not doing me any good- I probably need the "escape" now more than anything!
As mothers, we always want to "fix" what is wrong, but I guess sometimes that is just not possible, especially with adult children. Some of us are also natural worriers- another thing my therapist is trying to work on with me (allow myself to worry for a short time, then put it aside; picture my problems on a boat, and allow them to drift away, etc.) This is where the mindfulness comes in- takes practice and not always easy in "the heat of the moment"- but necessary for our own sanity!!
I hope that this post finds things better for you- and you are able to go south and enjoy some much-deserved relaxation!!! Keep us posted!!
Hugs!!

Living with an adult child is not an easy situation. We raised them to think for themselves, make their own choices, then feel uncomfortable with their doing just that! Whether they do live with us or not!

My daughter is in remission from Cushing's Disease. She lost her passenger endorsement to be a school bus driver because the Cushing's caused diabetes and a need for her to take insulin. Imaging my frustration when I see her consuming things she shouldn't! Even though I don't buy these things and have them in the house, she goes and gets them for herself! Then, she expects me to listen to her cry about not being able to drive the kids anymore and how much less money she makes, etc. So not easy!

Training myself to respond with "I'm sorry you are hurting." and then biting my tongue so I don't say the rest outloud has not been easy but worth the effort. Her life will play out the way it will play out, whether I interfere or not.

Perhaps it would be enough to plan a vegan meal, maybe once a week, to keep peace with your son. To acknowledge his choice would mean a lot to him. There are several meatless dishes that can be prepared. You might find that you like it enough to do it more than once a week! Be grateful that his heart is 'soft' and not hardened to what goes on around him. Does he volunteer at an animal shelter? It may be a good way for him to feel that he is 'doing his part' to help in an area of concern for him.

I have a little saying that I snipped out of a magazine wedged into the frame of the bathroom mirror. It simply says..."Love is my decision to make your problem my concern." A good reminder for me each day.

Thank you so very much, BnotAfraid and pitmom, for your kind and encouraging words!!!  Pitmom- great slogans of inspiration!

It is just so hard to see my "child" in so much pain- and affects my depression and anxiety.

I have had some good "heart to heart" talks with him and have shown that I respect his decision to become vegan, though it will not change my eating habits.  I make it a point to make a vegan meal at least once a week, and my husband and I even took him to a vegan buffet over the holidays (I stuck mainly to the rice!).  I try not to cook beef or chicken when he is around, as I think it is to the point where it repulses him. 

I have explained to him that he will not see a "vegan world" in his lifetime, though, and he therefore needs to work on how he deals with the world.  But he is so pained by the fact that people eat animals.

My formerly very social son is now much more isolated- and it is upsetting to me to see his friends out having fun while he sits in his room playing his guitar. 

I am hoping he returns to therapy (he took a break from it for two months while he was visiting my mother-in-law in Florida)!

Again, many thanks!!