Wife of two years, partner of 8 suffering with anxiety and severe depression

Hi everyone

I've been here before; back in April actually and some lovely people here gave me some great advice and words of encouragement when my wife had a very severe episode of depression which almost led to the breakdown of our marriage.

We have two young children together and I love her with every bone in my body. She's my best friend, my lover, my confident and my sound mate - most of the time - when she is under the spell of her depression.

Last time I made things worse by not giving her the space she needed initially to sort her head as understandably I was very scared and confused. In the lifetime of our relationship she had never shared with me explicit detail and insight into her condition until April, so to say I was unprepared was an understatement. Following her recovery from the last episode, things have been good; really good in fact, for the last six months.

I was always an attentive partner, but have been more so the last six months to ensure she doesn't have a relapse of sorts.

But it's happened. Without any real warning. Literally from last Saturday where we had the most amazing sexual experience of our relationship leading into our 2 year anniversary to a complete wall of non emotion the next day. She explained it to me that it was like s switch just flicked off and she couldn't control it.

I get that, because I have matured and have read up a lot about what she is going through in the last year. I have had to. Mainly in order to keep my sanity but also so I honour her request to be left alone.

She cites the overruling fear of death as the main instigator of all of her troubles. The cripples her and takes over her entire existence. Leading her to question her relationships in her life, her home, and everything that goes with it.

I have travelled through every emotional state with her , as I'm sure you can imagine, and I'm teetering on frustration, anger and despair most of the time. However for me and the girls, I need to be at peace with what this is because I cannot afford to lose my head.

She has had multiple exposures to psychiatrists in the past with mixed results; the same with medication and she is hell bent on not doing either of these things again. She remains convinced that she can shift this herself through sheer will power and time. This may have a temporary affect but history has shown this is indeed temporary and becomes an issue again quite quickly.

So now, she has requested time away from us. She is off to a local hotel for two/three nights to see if this helps. It pains my soul to have to accept this but I have no choice. I will do my upmost to not make contact and to wait for her to return to me; because that's what happened last time; she literally snapped out of it as fast as she fell into it to start with.

She even accepts that her life is good. I have a good job, we are financially stable; she does all the things she wants, she has her own time, her own money, her own everything; and we do all of the important family things together, like holidays, and seasonal events.

Life is generally very good and I am so so fortunate to have met her.

I know she feels this too as she regularly tells me as do I. But as we all know those that trawl these forums, when our partners are in the state of depression, these feelings make them feel uncomfortable and they're unable to convey or even think about emoting their regular feelings because of the pressure they're under.

I think more than anything I needed to pen this and have people listen because aside from my mum ( who has to remain unaware as far as my wife is concerned as she is ashamed and cannot deal with the smothering that she feels will come with it); nobody else, including her friends know about this; and that's the way she wants to keep it.

I do feel I am doing all I can here. Any attempts for me to communicate a soft and encouraging message of support are more often than not rebuffed and misinterpreted as preachy opinions; but all I am trying to remind her is that everybody in our family adores her; that the depression is an illness, not a stigma, and that we will do anything to make her ok again. I said that she would do the same for me and she agreed.

It is so difficult to convey feelings to people when they are suffering like this because everything gets turned around and blame is passed for making them feel responsible or guilty even. As much as I stress that this isn't the case it never quite gets through.

What I am pleased about is that she is communicating with me. I just have to be very careful about what I say back, as it is very hard to not react when she tells me the most frightful and heart breaking things she is feeling. I said never again can you mask your depression with me because it isn't fair on either one of us, and she knows going forward that this will have to be a change she makes; that is assuming she wants to continue her life with me after this bout.

I will say to her before she leaves today that I will not call or text her unless she makes contact with me. That I love her, and that I am here if she needs me.

I can't do anything else; can I?

After posting this today I stuffed up. When she told me that she had arrived at the hotel (essentially ceasing communications at that point); I felt compelled to check - not because I didn't believe her but because I wanted to see she was ok, and had indeed arrived safely mostly for my own peace of mind.

Typically she saw me pull into the car park as she had just visited a supermarket next door.

My guts felt like they were going to come out of my mouth. I had the kids with me so I panicked and said I was taking them to the park and I thought you might have wanted to say hello to them. She knew it was a lie and just said that she wasn't happy that I did that.

I called out to her to explain it again, but she just walked off. Since then I've tried to explain a couple of times by text; this time the truth; saying that because this is such an unusual situation for her and I, that I just wanted to make sure for myself that she was safe and ok because I love her. She responded with 'whatever'. Since then she has text twice to ask how those are. I'm not sure whether I should be enabling and encouraging her by saying that they're fine (which of course they are) or saying no, they miss their bloody mother and so do I! I know from experience that laying guilt onto a sufferer is a really bad move so I have just replied with yew they're OK, and asked how she was doing. She responded that she was ok.

And that's it. I'm micro analysing every exchange with her incase I say the wrong thing or I'm too soft. If feels like she's having her cake and eating it if I'm totally honest but what else can I do - she has to have this time to 'think' otherwise the situation gets worse.

She probably thought you were checking up on her because you aren't trusting her. Remember, when we are depressed, we get paranoid and don't think rationally. So please trust her and show her that you do too.

I wish you the best.

Hugs, Karen...

It does you no good to try to hang on to something that may not be. I agree with your friends. Let her go. She doesn't sound to be treating you right, do you want this to continue? I wouldn't. I know it is hard. And I know it hurts. But give her the freedom and see what happens. She knows you are hanging on to her for dear life. Things may be different if you tell her it is okay to go. You could be calling a bluff, maybe not.

Just saying...

I hope that things get better soon...

Mr Sensitive,

I have major depressive disorder. I don't agree that "depression is a selfish disease".

One, it is a disorder and two we always are responsible for our behavior! A diagnosis of depression, anxiety or social disorder does not change this fact.

It takes hard work for a person to face what causes the depression. They need to look at the truth, talk to their spouse, face guilt, own up to responsibility, while still being a parent and spouse. Seek the help that is needed, therapy, doctor, meds, ect...

I can honestly say I have put my husband through a special kind of emotional roller coaster hell. HOWEVER, he always knew where I stood in our relationship, even when it was hard in the beginning with the abuse remembering. I said, you can not touch me.

He did not understand, he stood by me though. We kept talking and worked through it.

Blah blah blah.

MY point is, your wife seems to be running away or TO something. She is not even trying to fix herself for here childrens sake.

Let her go, if she comes back she was yours. If she does not, you deserved better all along and she was in your life to teach you something.

I wish you Peace
Trina