So what?

So I grew up with years of neglect and sexual abuse. So what? What does that do for me. That doesn't make me any different from any other person who went through a similar experience. I feel like I'm just a number.. another statistic.. so what I was raped. Big f'ing deal! But why am I miserable? why won't it go away? Why do I hurt so bad?

I wonder if I died if anyone would even come to my funeral? I don't feel like I have anybody, I don't feel like I matter. What is the point of this life?

The thing that really frustrates me is I have done so many years of therapy. I thought that I had worked through all my abuse issues. Now it is coming up again. I keep having memories.. I don't want to remember. It makes me sick to my stomach and mad at my mother for not protecting me. When I told her about my step-**** abusing me she said she had suspected something happened. If she suspected it why didn't she do anything? My mom was sick. She said she found a long blonde hair in her bed and asked if that could have been me? She made it seem like I was having an affair with him. Like a 7 year old asks for that?

I've just recently come to the realization that my childhood sucked. I'm mad that no one saw the signs. When I was 10 I was raped by a stranger it was violent and traumatic. I lived in fear. I used to hide all the time. I was afraid he would come back and get me. I had no one to talk to.. I was so alone.

Then when I was 13 I was raped by a bunch of men at a party. I blamed myself because I got drunk. But I didn't ask to be raped. They took turns forcing themselves on me.

When I was 15 I started dating a guy who was 28. I thought he was my boyfriend but really he was just another creep who took advantage of me.

I became very promiscuous , I didn't feel like I had a choice, I felt like it was my responsibility to please men. I was starved for attention. My mother neglected me but I got attention from men. And in a sick way it felt good. I didn't like the sex really.. I just liked being paid attention to.

Sorry for the long post. I needed to vent. I just hurt right now. I'm very vulnerable so please be kind with your responses if you do choose to respond.

Thanks for being there Karen. Sometimes this feels like the only safe place to talk..outside of therapy :)
I'm going to see if I can get in with my therapist today. He told me he would have some openings.. he knew I might have a hard time after our last session because a lot of stuff came up.

KC, you are not alone. 15 yrs of physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse. Sister sold me for $, she is 12yrs older than me.

I feel the same way you do lots of days. The darkness comes often, once and I awhile I do stupendancly [sp?] stupid things. However, I bounce back. Life for me is like a roller coaster stretched out.

I went the opposite of you and went amnesic for almost 30 yrs and became, I would say almost Nun like although I did date.

When the memories starting popping 5 years ago they hit hard and fast. They will never stop and I need to own them and find skills to deal with them the rest of my life. I am still learning, still in therapy.

I practicing self-compassion the last 6mos. This has been the best thing yet to help me. When I get a panic attack or a real bad reaction to a flash back I do the following:

Find my pulse; neck, chest, wrist where ever you can

Breathe in, "pulse is my purpose"

Breathe out, "it is NOT my fault"

continue til you calm down. Works every time for me. Shorter each time.

Remember, you were CONDITIONED as a child for the behavior, you were taught that it was normal. You had no other model to go by. So IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

KC, the books I use the most to help me, and yes it is work, you have to do the work to heal, are: [not saying you don't I just don't know]

The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher K Germer, PhD

Healing the Trauma of Abuse, by ME Copeland, MA MA and M. Harris PhD

I hope this helps you. Try to remember you are not alone. I know how hard it is at times, like you are the only person in the world that has these feelings. Journaling helps me in these moments, because it is immediate relief 24/7.

Peace and Strength
Trina

Of course you will because we are WARRIORS!

There are days that I curl up on the bed with my fuzzy blanket and the dogs, I have 3. Sometimes I don,t even put the radio on.

Hours, stare at the wall out the window... thoughts... nap...

I believe we need the shut down to heal. As long as it does not turn into days and weeks. Then trouble starts.

Good job getting to the gym!
Peace
Trina

you will work through this............I did, and if this turtle can, so can you. many healing thoughts.

Hey KC!

I'm usually over on the anxiety forum but I do suffer from secondary depression, especially when I'm having a bad day physically (pain and fatigue from an AI disorder) and also when my anxiety is high, it really brings me down. I just wanted to say that I have been through much like yourself. Very similar childhood and adolescence. I know that I cannot put my email on here, I'm sure there is a way I can put it on my profile and I'll try to figure that out ASAP... But I would love for us to maybe email or if you have FB, that works too. If you feel comfortable, that is. I'd really like to chat. I hope you are having better days 😘