Andy1986 said...
I know how you feel, I honestly don't know how people do it, my pain isn't even that severe for 70% of the day, more like severe discomfort, yet it totally dominates my mind and my life. I've been struggling with it for years, and the pain varies in intensity and in location in my digestive tract. I feel like digestive pain, especially upper, is very difficult to learn to cope with, it makes me very afraid and unhappy. I have no confidence in my ability to cope with it and feel overwhelmed a lot. I have had partial recovery from my depression and anxiety over the years but always regressed because the physical problems flare up again.
I've tried several anti-depressents, they take the edge off, but I've never got to a good place, and never cured the pain. Have had short courses of CBT which helped stop my panic attacks. I'm now giving psychotherapy a try and have been doing it for 7 months, 2x a week. I don't know if it's helping, they say my physical pain may be a result of repressed emotions, I certainly never talked about my emotions to anyone until I started therapy. Life feels a struggle, and my GPs are just completely out of ideas. No one knows whether my pain is a result of my psychiatric problems or vice versa, but they've never found a physical cause so nothing to treat. They basically tell me I have IBS but affecting my entire digestive tract. That makes me feel hopeless though as IBS is something many people have for life, and is not just a psychiatric illness.
I do autogenic meditation which helps, and just try to keep my mind off it. I still cling to some vague hope that one day it might get better, or that one day I will be able to get to a place where I am happy despite any physical problems. One thing I've learnt is I would rather be happy and in pain than depressed and feeling fine.
I find keeping hope the hardest of all, my anxiety is a major problem which I have to keep under control every day. I can avoid panic attacks but the stress and worry about pain and discomfort still dominates my life.
I have no faith in doctors, or other people as they have always let me down and have never been able to help. My parents have been great and I couldnt ask for a more supportive family, but at the end of the day its a personal battle and all they can do is sympathise. My only hope is in God, I trust he always knows best, I find some strange comfort in knowing that at least God knows what's wrong with me really.
I find Pauls letters in the Bible inspiring as well, to have him talk of his personal anguish and torture yet saying he rejoices in the pain. He doesn't seem to let it depress him and overwhelm him. I hope and pray one day I can get to that same place.
Heartsong
When I look at sad eyes looking back at me...expressions on faces...I see mine as if I were sad, not willing to be an unwilling participant in a vacuum.
Happiness is but a stain upon my brow that I must make smile. I hear a sadness in someones voice and say they would be happy if only me. A wish unfulfilled.
Loneliness closes all around and a heavy mist disturbs my thoughts to make me happier; to no longer to bare innocent guilt and shame of a life that talks too loud to be quite.
Yet, there remains a special song to sing into the void that would have alluded me but just enough to keep away the purple dark; a song written by God that lingers and is keeper of a love that grows to hide my discontent.
This song, a lonely hunter of contentment, swells in my heart with every missed beat. My song welcomes each breath I take in the mornings and on into the night. The melody it makes is a drum rolls heard only in my hearing but too quite to fully understand.
God is my mainstay too. God bless you.
Here is what I had to endure.
2016_From a post concussion and many other severe falls; Spine CT showing chronic compression deformity of L1. Mild cervical spondylosis / stenosis, facet arthropathy throughout lumbar spine, most prominent of L5-S1 with small herniation, Mild atherosclerosis. Mild arthritic changes of the bilateral joints. CT on hip; Lesion on right humeral head near neck junction measuring 8x9 11mm with peripheral sclerosis and smaller similar lesion in intertrochanteric region anteriorly which can predisposed to impingement. Neurogenic bladder. 2015 reflux from hietial hernia...motility test done but inoperable,L5 Disc herniation/compression, traversing right S1 nerve root; Synovial lumbar Cyst removed. Adrenal benign tumors, tremors. 2012 Occipital Peripheral Neuropathy- nerve simulator in neck (so no MRI). Poly Neuropathy. PTSD.*2001 neck/spinal Fusions C-5, C7. 1996 Diabetes. I993 inflammation of disc degeneration and neck cervical infection. 3 shoulder surgeries in ' 93 and 1958 to present -complex developmental PSTD. Male-Rotated stomach surgery at birth (scar tissue removed in 2004. Abdominal cyst found in 2016).
Levemire (pen) 26 units x3 for Diabetes 11-6-11
4 VITAMINS-all taken daily -but double on Areds & Docusate)
Multivitamin General Health Doctorate Sodium 100 mg Stool Softener
Areds 2 Ophth Eye Vitamin c-pap
AZO Bladder Health X orthodics
8 medicines
1. Amlodipine Besy 10mg Blood Pressure 11 AM
2. Metoprolol 12 mg Blood pressure 11 AM
3. Wellbutrin 300 XL Maj Depression 11 AM
4. Eloquis 5 mg Blood thinner 11 AM 6 PM
5. Lexapro 20mg Major Depression 6 PM
6. Pantoprazole 40 mg Reflux / acid 6 PM
7. Neurontin 300 mg Poly Neuropathy (bed time & 6 PM
8. Prazosin 5mg x2 Bladder , PTSD, blood pres. bedtime
Coccyx; some Cauda Equina etc. symptoms
C3, C4, C5 supply diaphragm...sinus problems
C5, C6 shoulder movement (bicep) C-6 rotates the arm
C6, C7, C8 extends elbow and wrist
T7-Ll abdominal muscles
Ll, L2, L3, L4 thigh flexion
L2, L3, L4 thigh adduction
L4, L5, S1 thigh adduction and hamstring
L5, S1 S2 extension of leg at the hip. Feet