help! My marriage is falling apart...please help

Hi there. I am new to this forum. I am in desperate need of advice!

I think my husband is suffering from depression. It's a long story to try and tell the whole thing but here goes.
We have been married for 2 years, together for 5, friends for 16. He has had "the blues" several times before. We have always worked through his bouts before..and always had a great friendship and marriage.

That being said...he is often withdrawn and has tried to sabotage our relationship in subtle ways on several occasions...always saying that he doesn't deserve me. He is often down on things and is nover content with being happy.

He has never been diagnosed with depression. In the last 6 months...things have gotten really bad.

He is a musician and 2 years ago he started a band that has become extremely successful. Because of this...he has had to be on the road on and off for the past year and a bit. Things were ok at first...hard but we managed. Then he lost his job and was forced to do odd jobs and go on unemplyment to make money while he was home...this also meant that he spent most days all day at home.

For the past 6 months... he has been very withdrawn. Our communication is totally gone and he will not talk to me about anything. His sleeping patterns are way off, he is not eating, he is on the computer all the time, he has no time management, and is unhappy all the time. He said he was depressed about not working and seems down on everything. But then it comes time to go on tour agian and he is gone and living in a van and not eating properly and living this strange existence where his reality is comprimised.

He started saying that we want different things..and that he doesn't know what he wants. We used to both want a family and now he refuses to talk about it. He says that I don't support him and that he can't give me what I want. He is pushing me further and further away.

So now he has completely retreated from me, his family and friends and is drinking a lot. He has been on the road for the past month. Before he left we tried to get into councelling but couldn't get an appointment until he got back.

A week ago I learnt from his bandmates that he has been talking to some girl in another city that they went through on this tour. He stayed with her in her bedroom and didn't tell me anything about it. I asked him about it and he says the have been talking as friends and now he has feelings for her that have made him question his feelings for me...because he can't talk to me anymore.

I see this girl as a symptom of his depression. He is only talking to her...no one else. He says he's confused.

He is coming home tomorrow and I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed and mad and pretty much every other emotion. We have only talked a handful of times in the past week and nothing has been dealt with and I have been at home freaking out.

I know he is not seeing that it is depression that is doing this. He is confused and is not living in reality and is trying to kill our marriage so he doesn't have to be responsible for it. I am not sure whether to just leave and let him figure it out on his own...or try to make him see what he is doing. I love him so much and want things to be good again but I can't go through this anymore. He needs to get help and I fear that I can't help him.

These past few months have been hell and I have basically waiting for him to come home now so we can work things out. Now I fear that it is too late. My friends tell me to not let him in the house but I don't really want to do that. But I need him to see what he's doing...

Help!!!

you have given us a lot of information in your posting and I really appreciate it and your courage in doing so. I would tend to agree with your friends - who know you even better than we do obviously - and not to let him in but change the locks immediately and have one or two of those friends around visitiing for that day and two or three days afterwards. And make sure that your mobile phone is fully charged, and your landline has the number of the police hq programmed into it

so that you can call the cops in seconds if you have to. Stay alert! he is putting himself and his own interests  very firmly before anyone or anything else so you should do  the same. I know you have feelings still for him but he is not the same man that you married and I think that the only way you'll get that man back is to give him as he is now a shock so that he realises what he had and turned away from. Don't weaken...

Best Regards, SS x

You need to know that the marriage is not at the end and quit being frantic.  Do like the person above said.  Take measures to protect yourself--then watch and see.  Odds are you make his life altogether too comfortable for those steps to send him elsewhere.

You didn't mention meds.  I'm not one for medication, but I'd make that my first requirement for him to get back in the house.

Also, find out what he's looking at on the internet.  Most likely he doesn't delete the history.  It could be useful to find out what is going on with him, but don't be surprised if you find something you don't want to see.

bev 

 

Hi boujac,

Sorry your having such a hard time right now.

Your hubby has another big problem to deal with . . . alcohol. I hope you are making a plan for what kinds of things he needs to agree to before you get back together. One thing should be a drug/alcohol assessment and his agreeing to follow a counselors plan for dealing with that. Another thing is to find out what's got his attention on the internet, which could be another clue for counseling. I would expect him to agree to counseling for depression as well and you might want to rethink your belief about anti-depressant meds. They can be key to pulling out of depression.

We don't think a thing about it when a diabetic needs insulin. With depression, our brain chemistry is usually lacking something and the meds help us retain those needed chemicals. Please consider supporting his use of anti-depressants should his doctor recommend them. . . and he should see a doctor as well.

I hope you two are able to get things worked out. I hope you will keep us updated too.

Blessings to you friend!!!

  I don`t usually post on anything but the heart board but your subject title caught my attention and I just had to read your post..My first reaction is that this guy is trying his best to tell you he wants out of the marriage without having to come right out and say it..He`s hoping you will say you want to split and he`ll reluctantly say..If that`s what you want..While inside he`ll be screaming YES!..I know it will hurt a lot and is always embarrassing (I think that`s the main reason most people put off divorce, they are afraid of facing others with it)..But time will heal all and you will be much better off...I`ve seen far to many people waste many valuable years and most of their youth stuck in obvious deadend relationships and finally end it after the best years have slipped them by..I`m sure most will disagree with my view but all I can go on is my long life of observing human nature and the general feel I got from your words

Since you have told us that he is staying with his brother, that does give you time to change the locks etc.. and to build up a support network amongst your own family and friends... to make sure that someone is only a phone call away..don't feel guilty or think that you are NOT the victim because you are..

You have said that you are 'not one for medication' - rules are fine but you should know when to break the rules, they are for us not us for them (rules)....

Low self esteem usually comes with a loathing of oneself eg the person you see looking at yourself when you look in a mirror... first thing to do to combat that is get in front of a mirror and start pulling funny faces, it is hard to despise or hate someone when you are laughing at them

regards SS x

Boujac,I am a recovering alcoholic (4 years)and I am torn in what to put down.
As aguy I say to change the locks and get your support as chances are he cheated
On the flip though I know what its like to be there and sometimes its easier talking to some one on the outside ,
My heart is saying change the locks and salvage the rest of your "prime" years if he is acting like that ...but thats my opinion you have to look deep inside yourself and ask yourself if I was in his shoes what would i be doing in that room with that woman and that should tell you what to do ...be honest with your self when you look within
goodluck
J

Hey,

I'm certainly not a doctor or a marriage counselor but for myself, I don't see another woman as a "symptom" of anything. Withdrawl from loved ones is typical for depreesed people however. If he is seeking comfort from another person and has emotionally disconnected with you, it may be time to reevaluate your situation.

I don't have much advice, it's your life and if you feel that you want to work on your life with your husband, that's up to you. I will say that you can't force someone to seek help for depression. Are you (or is he) close to a family member who might be able to get him to at least see a doctor or open up?

I wish you good luck and I hope you find the answers to your questions and the strength you need to get through this.

Take care . . .

Sadsunshine