Falling Apart

I am doing poorly.

I moved back to a city 2,500 miles away from most of my family, because I was starting to feel like a burden. I don't have a job, and the friends I've tried to contact here won't write me back or return my calls. Yesterday, I had lunch with a married man I used to work with with whom I had an affair (he was married, I was single) two years ago. I still want to be friendly with him, but it feels wrong. It was the first time I was happy in the longest time, and the longest I've gone without thinking about suicide in forever. I love my family, and I know they love me, but I feel like such a disappointment to everyone. It's not all in my head. I was a finalist for a couple jobs - neither of which wrote me back. I have horrible social anxiety, and can't even organize my thoughts about this very well. I'm so depressed it hurts. I can't eat. I want to sleep, but am finding it difficult. I can barely cry. I just feel catatonic.

I know it's dangerous. And 'crutch' is the perfect word. It was so weird to be so happy yesterday and then to fall back into being so sad today. He is still married. To his credit, he made a point of saying that his marriage is going well, that things are 'back on track', etc. etc. and - it was weird. It is messy. He told me a long story about his sister and her husband and how the husband cheated, but now they're back together - and it just seemed to all tie into: why is this the only guy I've gravitated toward in such a long time? Why was I so happy yesterday?

I don't like not having control, obviously (who does?) - so the job thing is really getting to me. I know deep down that a couple of days of being sad doesn't matter in the long run, but I'm so sad today that I can't even go outside or get up. I know, it's stupid. I'm not on meds. Just methylphenidate.

I made an internet date for coffee tomorrow morning, but all I want to do is cancel because it gives me so much anxiety. Even though logically I know that getting up and out in the morning would be good for me. I just want to sleep.

You said:

"Yesterday, I had lunch with a married man I used to work with with whom I had an affair (he was married, I was single) two years ago. I still want to be friendly with him, but it feels wrong. It was the first time I was happy in the longest time, and the longest I've gone without thinking about suicide in forever"

You also said,

"I have horrible social anxiety, and can't even organize my thoughts about this very well. I'm so depressed it hurts. I can't eat. I want to sleep, but am finding it difficult. I can barely cry. I just feel catatonic."

Those seem to be equally difficult situations. That is, the only current solution you have for happiness is to have sex with a married man.

To me, it's like saying, the only time I'm happy is when I'm taking street drugs.

On one hand, it makes you happy, and on the other hand, it's, uh, what is it? It's horrible in a lot of ways.

When I was single, I had sex with a married woman for a time. I felt, I wasn't doing anything wrong, she was.

Well, I knew there was something wrong with that, but it didn't stop me. If the married person decides to have outside sex, they are the ones who decided that and are breaking the rules.

No amount of reasoning to make me think anything else. So, I can't chastise you, as I was planning to do.

I wasn't depressed at the time so I wasn't writing into any help line asking what to do. I wasn't saying, this is the only thing that makes me undepressed.

So you're saying, the only thing that makes me undepressed is sex with a married man.

Again, it's like saying, the only thing that makes me happy is taking street drugs. Well, what do you say to such a person? When I got married, I did not have any affairs, for I didn't want to be a monster.

During my 36 year marriage, my wife cheated on me with a married man (and about 30 other people). She was abused as a child and it's the only thing that gave her any pleasure.

Her world collapsed and much of mine when our grown son reached an age and level of knowledge where he knew where she had been when she got in late from work, and before I got home, and he knew what the phone calls were.

Then she reigned down on me Hell from the Sky for the last 19 years of the marriage, and died 7 years ago from a long illness from smoking.

Seems like you have two areas to work on. I have manic-depression and Lithium and "Mirtapine (sp?)" anti-dep. keep me balanced. I'm not good in social situations, either, and jobs seem to involve that.

You're not taking an anti-dep. buy you are depressed. Are you seeing a psy. for your dep?

Are you trying to find work in one field or in several? What type of work do you feel comfortable in?

With your problems, maybe you could help people with problems. Volunteer work, etc.

Also, I take "Power to Sleep" from a health food store, or on the net at various sites, which gets me to sleep at night. Health food store clerk, or search engine on net, can list several other health food tablets which might help you go to sleep.

Also, I use a heating pad on low at night which helps me sleep.

Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 7/7/2016 7:35:41 PM (GMT-6)

thanks, all.

it's not even really about the guy. i just feel so awful. i am looking for a job in any field really; i work as a secretary.

i have been texting my parents, but i think they're avoiding calling me because i just moved away. i am so homesick. i just feel so silly, because i keep searching the internet for generic depression information. i walked a lot yesterday, but couldn't get out of bed today. i made plans to meet up with a friend on monday night; it's only saturday. i want to call my mom, but i am 29 years old! i shouldn't have to rely on my parents to make me un-sad. i just can't help feeling like i won't find happiness anywhere. i only have one job interview, and it's not until a week from monday. and it's a not-so-great job. which i'm not even being snotty about, because i really do just want to get back to work, but - i don't know. i can't focus on anything. i can't sleep. i've only been eating sporadically. i am such a disappointment

Got through both the fireworks at the ball park, and any problems the neighbor may have wanted to present.

As I lay in bed, I patted myself on the back by staying positive through each of the problems that occurred.

I got through the ballpark fireworks by going to a neighbor's house about 2 blocks further away from the ballpark, and going down into his basement, which is a great reducer of sound, and using over the head sound reducers.

So, how to know when the fireworks was over, since I couldn't hear them? A neighbor who lives in an apt. at that same house who had gotten my groceries for me that day, since I can't drive but can ride, because of my sensitive ears, bailed me out.

She was in the basement with me showing me how to work the new cell phone she had just bought for me that day, which I needed to perhaps call someone to tell me when the fireworks was over.

So as we're talking in the basement, me with my plugs in and over the heads on, she lets me know the distant fireworks are going off, which is great, because then she can tell me when they're over. Five minutes later she tells me they are over.

I get by with a little help from my friends. She has problems also, and stays couped up in the apt. all day. So we help each other out. We're both on the run.

I wrote in my last post, "When I get back (from the fireworks), I'll tell you about this lady and what she said to me in a group meeting after I had spilled out my guts telling about my troubles."

It's now the next day from the fireworks, so I want to tell you what she said.

It was a group meeting, and when it came my time to talk, I told about my problems...every...single...one. In a very sad voice, as I always did when feeling sorry for myself.

She was sitting right next to me, and she very patiently waited until I got through. Then she turned and looked up to me, and with her face about a foot from mine, she said,

"Oh, you were having a Pity Party. We've all done that."

Well, OK, fine. She called me a Big Baby, right there in front of all the other group members. What was I supposed to do? Cry? No. Get mad? No, she didn't say it in a mean way. Be embarrassed to tears? That's what I felt like in a way.

She had questioned my manhood, in a way. Well, all of that embarrassment was going to work in my favor in that, from then on, whenever I tried to feel sorry for myself, I absolutely could not.

I had been so embarrassed, so talked out of feeling sorry for myself, so humiliated, so told, "Aw, grow up!!!! You're 45 years old for Christ sakes. Act like a man, not a five year old!!!!!"

That's what she said. She didn't say those words, but that's what she said. And in front of others. Oh horror!!!

She grew me up in 5 seconds.

I was once around a 7 year old child who was crying about about another girl kicking her hand when she reached down to get a soccer ball. She was sobbing, going on and one.

The adult next to me said, "She's been sexually abused."

Her tone was the exact duplicate of my tone in group therapy that day. I had used that tones many times in my childhood.

When put together, what does all of that mean? I had sexually abused. I was still a 5 year old no matter what physical age I was.

My mother, who was sexually abused at 5, sexually abused us 3 children.

I don't know your situation, but I see some similarities in what I went through for many years. Just like that woman with me, I'm not saying that to hurt you, I'm just asking you to look what's going on, and try to figure out what it is.

It could be just depression.

Post Edited (Tim Tam) : 7/10/2016 12:26:10 PM (GMT-6)

thanks, all.

tim tam - sorry about your fireworks experience. i wish people could be more sensitive to your dislikes and fears, and i hope that they didn't set them off just to make you angry or scared.

thanks, pitmom - your advice is good. i have been trying really hard to live by that advice, because it's what my friends say too. "be nice to yourself", "don't be so hard on yourself" - which, yes, logically makes sense. but i still just feel very crummy. physically and emotionally, which are not fun in conjunction.

i want my mom. i wish i hadn't moved away from home again. i think i'm broken. i just want to disappear.

BlueMoon:

You wrote: "I can't eat. I want to sleep, but am finding it difficult. I can barely cry. I just feel catatonic."

You also wrote: "i can't focus on anything. i can't sleep. i've only been eating sporadically. i am such a disappointment"

Did we ever decide if you are seeing a psy. or are on medicine?

It seems like we're going to the moon but skipping over the steps right in front of us.

All those things you describe above seem to be depression, and you choose the "Depression" category here to write on, so you seem to know you're depressed.

When I was crying one time, my psychiatrist said, "Aw you're just depressed."

So, crying could be a sign of depression.

Have you ever seen a psy. before?

BlueMoon:

You said the only time you weren’t depressed is when you were in a relationship with a man, who in this case was married.

As I think about it, the only time my wife was happy was when she was in a relationship with a man, who was also married. After she died of a long illness 7 years ago, I allowed myself to look into what was going on in our marriage.

To look at it while I was in the marriage, with buying a house and raising a child, would have been bad for me, because if I had figured it out, I might not could have handled it. So, I didn’t really want to know.

What I figured out was, from the moment I walked into the house after her funeral, I was finally free to think about that.

I told myself: “You can think about anything you want, and come to any conclusion, and you won’t be punished.”

My mind then said, “I want to think about if my wife had an affair.” I thought for just a few seconds, and I figured out what I could not (dared not) figure out in over 30 years: my wife did have an affair.

As that first domino fell, in the hours, months, some 7 years which followed, I figured out basically everything. Which was:

She did have an affair for 16 years with this married guy, starting when they were both about 26.

She did have an affair with a second married man of about 42 for 16 years.

The second married man, a known womanizer, would have introduced her to a three-some with a friend, for a 27-year-old roommate I had once, who was not 1/4th the womanizer this 42 year old was, had once had a three-some in our apartment by sharing his girlfriend with a male friend of his, who invited me, but I was home on supper break, and got back to work as fast as I could.

But from that, I learned, that does happen.

So with a 16-year-affair with this 42 year old man, yeah, in the first or second year, yeah, a threesome. 15 years of threesomes.

OK, my wife is ecstatic all of this time. Telling me on weekends at least once, sometimes twice a day, “I love you!!!!!!” Even I had difficulty believing that.

With the second some 26-year-old man, who she went with for the same 16 years, she also had a three-some. But this one involved not another man, but another woman.

My wife gave me the clues for that, saying that boyfriend frequented strip joints. I have learned that strippers are often bi-sexual, which he would have soon learned.

What he doesn’t know is that my wife wanted to have sex with her female college roommate for 4 years, and so that's her secret desire, also.

He would have asked a stripper, would you do a striptease for my girlfriend and I? She would have said yes, and given him the price.

He would have then said, would you try to seduce my girlfriend, for which she would also have agreed, with an increase in price.

He would have then spoken of this to my wife, who would, sooner or later, agree. And the seduction would have worked and continued for about 15 years.

How do I know the latter? My wife once told me, this guy frequented strip clubs, which is clue one. And why did she tell me that, is she trying to clue me in? Yeah. She loved telling me of her sexual escapades prior to our marriage, and hinting at others.

Second, she once demonstrated her female to female technique to me while we were having sex, in such detail it could only be shown by a female who had actually done that to another female, and with a level of emotion I had never seen with her before, even when she was talking about having sex with males.

She wanted me to know that she had done that.

I figured, in 16 years this was going on with different guys, females, 3-4 times a week. 50 weeks a year, 16 years, you figure it out, to me it came to 2,000 or more episodes. Las Vegas on East Main.

She was also obsessive/compulsive. She couldn’t stop, from the first date on.

When the affairs stopped because our 13 year old son had too much information and knew where she had been when she came in late, she had to stop.

She was totally depressed for the last 19 years of our marriage, because she had no outside sex to bolster her.

Substituting for sex was her pathological anger for me, because it was the marriage which stopped her affairs. I didn’t even know fully that they were going on, so it wasn’t me, but in an argument, our 13-year-old son walked in and asked what was going on, I could not hold back, and I told him what I knew.

That ended the affairs, and started the depression and the anger.

Sex was her anti-depressant, and the only one she ever found.

She was sexually abused at age five by three teenage boys whose mother was in the small apartment but wasn’t aware of what was going on, until after it had begun, when she broke it up.

Why was I interested in a sexually abused woman, my wife? I’m beginning to realize I was sex abused by my mother, who was sex abused by her father at age 5.

Our mother also sex abused my older sister and my older brother.

What I rem. about my mother was that she disrobed in front of me when I was 8 or 9.

Basically, the only women I can relate with for any amount of time were sexually abused. I am now helping out a woman who was sexually abused. We don’t even see each other, we talk on the phone.

BlueMoon, You seem to know that you should be paying attention to what you are eating and drinking. Take the steps to enjoy better nutrition. One of the things I do is set the table. Use good dishes. Light a taper candle. Put on some nice music. Treat myself the way I would treat someone I have loving feelings for. Learning to love ourselves, even our broken selves, really helps me.

I love fresh fruit but rarely buy it. This week, I treated myself to 3 lovely peaches!

I have a tendency to only drink coffee. Now, I've started to have a daily cup of tea in a special cup with honey. I've started buying flavored water. The brand I like best is called 'Hint' because it has just a hint of flavor in it. My favorite is watermelon. Occasionally, I will treat myself to a coffee at one of the 'gourmet coffee shops'.

I also eat a little dark chocolate every day. It's a nice sweet treat with the added bonus of being a mood elevator!

You might give it a try and see if it helps you, too.

I hope you enjoy your visit with your mom.

It is so hard to set boundaries with the rules. Just try not to go into any detail with it. For instance instead of saying "threesomes with two guys", maybe just say multiple partners.

I do want to say I am sorry for what you have endured. That is a lot. You are very kind and easy going. Just don't let anybody take advantage of that.

You didn't do bad with the post. It was just getting close.

Thanks for understanding.

Hugs, Karen...

sunday afternoon blues. i thought i was doing ok -

but i started going from ok ---> not ok very quickly.

i feel extremely guilty. i called my parents just now, who have done so much for me already, and fell apart crying. i went out to a baseball game with a friend yesterday, and was extremely social. then last night i came home, discovered i have a belly button infection (which, yeah, sorry is totally gross), and eventually fell asleep. i feel catatonic, and have substituted paper towel and electrical tape for a bandaid across my belly button. i have never felt lower than i do right now.

i woke up later this morning than i have in a long time. i can't stop crying. is it possible for depression to cycle this quickly? it feels like someone hit a switch and i'm either fine or really sad. there's no middle ground. i feel disgusting. i am sad, anxious, and it feels like my heart hurts. my biggest problem right now is that i don't want to do anything. and then i feel lazy. and then i feel guilty. and i fall deeper and deeper into my pit of despair. i have a job interview tomorrow morning. very few of my office appropriate clothes fit me, and i am terrified of every aspect of the process. i am so overwhelmed. i feel like i made a huge mistake moving away from home. i can't handle this.

I went to the interview. Felt very distracted the whole time, and was very aware that I was bombing. I went to a public restroom after, and cried in a stall for about twenty minutes. Then I rode around aimlessly on the bus, but still felt like I was going to cry. I eventually just found a bus back to the house, but am bawling now. I completed my assigned house chore, but I still feel really low. I didn't go to the grocery store, even though I have no food. I've been here for two weeks, and haven't done laundry. I feel so depressed. And guilty. My parents are flying out tonight, and I have the irrational fear that their plane will crash. I don't know why. It doesn't make sense. I tried talking to the universe yesterday, but I don't think it was listening.

Even objectively the interview was just awkward. It didn't feel like a great fit, it wasn't at all what they had advertised it as, and I could just hear answers coming out of my mouth wrong. Like those videos of beauty pageant contestants - I started sentences and halfway through couldn't remember where I was going with it.

I should've clarified - my cousin is getting married this weekend, so my whole extended family is coming out here. I definitely have moments of feeling like I want to be back home - but I know that's not the way forward either... right?

I have been so anxious, I don't even want to eat. I don't feel hungry, just nauseous. I did eat some leftover indian food...but it just made my tummy rumbly. I know. Not the best (or even a good) choice.

My mom knows how depressed I am, for sure. She's dealt with depression and anxiety for most of her life. My dad probably knows, too. I don't explicitly tell him how anxious I am. He saw me go through ECT, and I don't want to keep hurting him. But I'm sure my mom and he talk about it.

Thank you for your kind words. I really am trying to smell the roses and blow out the candles - it definitely snowballs and mixes with the depression and other scary emotions.

I don't even think I care anymore about 'failing'. I just am scared that I will never be happy.

Also, I got more sunburned than I realized on Saturday. I felt nauseous yesterday, and have decided that that was part of the reason. I know I need to eat better. I don't know why I am so stuck in this pattern of not eating well. Like not even having fruit in the house. I should do that.