depressed husband who used to be so loving is now a jerk

My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married for 6 years. We have two young children together (2 and 3 years old). Over the past year, my husband has changed, but I assumed he was overworked as his job is quite stressful especially and has gotten more so. Otherwise, life has been good to him (stable salary, healthy family, no marital problems, good health).

I thought my husband and I had a close relationship, one where we could share everything. For over one year, my husband was aware of major changes that he experienced which he kept from me (being unhappy, memory loss, poor concentration and appetite, low energy, no motivation, lack of pleasure in everything, decreasing libido, finding life meaningless, low energy, no longer feeling love). He masked everything so well and it wasn’t end of May that I was certain something was off. I took him to see his doctor and he was diagnosed with depresssion. At that point, he wanted to move out to be alone as the children are too noisy and were driving him crazy, and he is absolutely convinced that he needs to live on his own to function. He mentioned that he realized he was not built to live with people and craved isolation. He also told me that the passion is gone in our relationship although he still loves me. I am so angry and hurt by all of this.

I did get him to see a psychiatrist and psychologist in mid July. both recognize that he has severe depression with moderate generalized anxiety. the psychiastrist started him on pristiq 50mg (he’s now on day 24 of it and he seems to be more active now but still with poor concentration, no motivation, and extremely fatigued. he is also still unloving towards me). We will call his doctor in about 1 week to adjust his meds. The psychiatrist wanted to be more aggressive but my husband has been trying to minimize the meds. We had to put a hold on psychotherapy as he doesn’t believe in it.

I have convinced him not to leave the family for now especially since both the psychologist and psychiatrist told me it would be a dangerous option for him to live alone as he is so introspective, he would just spiral downward. We have made a lot of changes in our home for him so he could have more space and quiet and be at peace. It pains me to see that the children do not bring him joy, rather he gets frustrated by their constant noise and excitement. He speaks very little to me and purposefully rejects my phone calls and infrequently returns my texts (he doesn’t care that I’m worried about his whereabouts and leaves me hanging and ignores my texts). I feel so rejected and disrespected when he ignores me (he also ignores his siblings). It’s been over two months since the last time he reliably picked up my phone calls. It has also been over two months since we last had sex. He doesn’t display any affection towards me but will cooperate if I ask him for a hug. His conversations with me are kept to a minimal but he will engage with colleagues who call him. Things that he used to adore about me now irritate him. I am so angry that he has allowed himself to reach this point that he is no longer the same person I married. I feel like a complete stranger has taken over his body, and it is so surreal to physically see him but know that he is not available to me.

I wonder how much longer I can handle this. A part of me understands that he is struggling to function day to day, but a part of me is upset that I am essentially a single parent who is lucky to have helpful family members.

There are things that I appreciate. I know depression is a real and scary struggle, and I am proud of my husband for fighting his desires and for choosing to live. He could have easily moved out but chose to listen to me and stay with us for now. He was suicidal at one point but has not been since he shared his struggles with me. I am now grateful that he is willing to take his meds and has allowed me to schedule his appointments and take him to see his psychiatrist despite doubting his own diagnosis. I am relieved that he is beginning to work out when he is home but not when he travels. I notice that he is doing a bit more around the house. I don’t have much time to cook after work, so he will go out with me to eat despite not being hungry.

But I am scared for our future, scared for the unknown. He’s not the same person and is at times a real jerk to me. We will sleep in the same bed but there is no affection. He is so withdrawn and prefers to ignore me. If I ask him for help with matters that he is comfortable with, he declines to help me and says, “I don’t know.” He will help others with the same problem. Yet he tells me he doesn’t blame anyone for his depression, but he treats me so poorly despite all the sacrifices I’ve made for him.

I still maintain my friendships with others so I don’t get burn out, but I come home and feel that my marriage is so empty. I take tests just to see if I’m depressed yet (so far, so good). I try to make jokes and he ignores me. I suggest ideas for us to do and he doesn’t care for them. It’s a very hard place to be in. Sometimes, I think I will be able to do this for as long as possible as we had eight wonderful years together and depression is not his fault; he truly is very ill. Other times, I’m frustrated because I feel as though he is intentionally being difficult and I don’t know if I can go on like this for another month as I feel as though I’m condoning his behavior (allow him to have as little responsibility towards the children as possible, allowing him to not have any familial responsibility). This is not a marriage at all, and I’m sure he would happy once I give him the go ahead to leave.

There’s very little else I can do for him, and I pray that he gets better. How long were you fully supporting your depressed spouse before you noticed positive changes? How long did you give it your all before you realized nothing would change for the better and you had to let go in order to protect your children and yourself? This is such a loveless marriage, and it pains me so much when I recall how passionately in love with me just slightly over a year ago.

Post Edited (ilovepuppies) : 8/7/2016 5:50:09 PM (GMT-6)

thanks Karen, I have been following your post about pristiq so I'm very grateful that you've responded. I hope it is also the right medication for my husband too. the psychiatrist also wanted to kick start the pristiq with abilify but my husband protested for now. hopefully he will be more open minded once he's been on pristiq for 28 days+.

it is very difficult not to get offended as he's never been this cold and inconsiderate towards me before. he takes the energy to help others but refuses to help his own wife with simple things. I wish he could be admitted to the hospital, but he will never check himself in voluntarily and currently is not suicidal.

Karen, when you were acutely depressed, did you ignore your significant other and treated him so rudely and hurtfully? at one point, my husband did not return home from a business trip and I was so worried about him. I tried to contact him and did not sleep for two nights until he returned. he ignored my calls and texts and I was at my wits end. instead of apologizing for making me so worried, he simply stated that I should not worry about him (it was not my business to worry about him).

if the meds do work, I don't even know if it's feasible for his old loving personality to come back. I'm doing my best to try to help him but am concerned that I will give up soon as he's doing so little to reassure me that he's also trying his best to get better.

I did get the feeling good book for him and plan to read it myself to understand what I can do. yes, I will need to schedule an appointment with a therapist soon. I have been taking to a doctor about it but now I will need to book an appointment with a psychologist.

happy turtle. I will. what I didn't mention was he was on about 4 weeks of Prozac before the psychiatrist switched him to pristiq. I am glad he's more willing to take meds now as much as he hates it, but this watchful waiting game is a beast in itself. I hope this med works for him as I hate for him to have to switch to another med and then give up. but thanks for the reminder. I have been waiting for the meds to kick in and will continue to wait.

thanks Karen. again, my husband left for work and has not come home. it is almost midnight. I texted him (as he no longer picks up my calls) to see if he was coming home just to make sure he's safe. no response. this is what's hard. not knowing what he's up to and the fact that he doesn't give me the courtesy to know he's fine so I can go to sleep with ease.

I really hope the meds will work soon but it's hard for me to believe it as he has extra job related stress as his business is failing due to his depression, so in a way, he's trying to escape. I'm okay with the financial loss as long as he is healthy, but he doesn't see that.

yesterday, he asked me if I was happy and I told him I used to be happy as he made me so joyful and he completed me. he couldn't remember the last time he was happy and I saw how much he was struggling just to hold it together. I hope he can be happy again.

I hope everyone here can be happy again.

Post Edited (ilovepuppies) : 8/9/2016 12:50:03 AM (GMT-6)

I am so sorry and I know you are so worried. I hope he has come home by now.

I feel badly for what you are going through. Depressed people can be so selfish. I am sorry.

I hope that things get better for both of you.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs, Karen...

I lovepuppies, [me too!]

Depending on what is causing the depression, a person can starting self harming behavior.

Such as not coming home, this would make him at the very least a worthless husband, hoping you would leave with the kids. This way he can validate his core belief that he is no good.

I have major depression and more, [see signature] I am on 3 depression meds, 5 yrs now. they get adjusted every now and then, plus I take adivan as a PRN when I am real bad.

There are times I don't want to see anyone and stay in the bedroom. That is the safest place for me and all 3 dogs stay with me. The hurts my husband, he trys to understand, we talk about it now. Still it is not easy.

Intimacy will be no existant for some time. As he gets better, this will take some time. You will share a different kind. Talking, sitting together in silence can be a form of comfort and intimacy for as depressed person, listening and eye contact when the talk to you.

A therapist is absolutely the best idea to get to the route cause.

Peace and strength
Trina

I watched my father die of dementia. The stock piece of advice is to 'hate the disease, not the patient'. My father turned into the biggest a$sho1e you would ever hope not to meet, and as much as I wanted to hate the disease and not the man, I started to hate the man. Depression is similar. Your husband is a walking, talking simulacrum of his former self. There's enough of him there that making the emotional separation of the disease and the person is almost impossible.

This journey is yours to walk, and all I can do is tell you that you're not alone. You need to prepare yourself for the fact that it may take years for your husband to come back. I watched my mother martyr herself for years while my father grew more and more emoptionally abusive. She fell into the same trap you're falling into: she felt guilty because she didn't like who her husband had become. Still she felt duty-bound to honor her commitment.

Puppies, your husband is sick. Be very, very careful not to give him all your energy. Save enough for you and your kids.

And it really is understandable that you end up resenting the man, as well as the disease.

Giving him until October is a unrealistic goal, You need to make him an appointment for counseling and take him there. You also need to look into counceling to get ideas on coping and helping your husband.
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You might also consider getting him a full physical from his primary to rule out medical issues.

So very sorry about this situation your in, it is hard and I'm not sure he will follow through with meds .
Because of the culture and his family not helping your facing a serious uphill battle and you might want to look into divorce attorneys now, if he knows you looking at attorneys he might be more open for treatment, make a journal of everytime he's bad to you and keep it handy and with you, you'll need all the proof you can get so you can win in court as it does sound like your going in that direction. Keep all his medical bills so you can show in court that you paid those and that you want a refund from him for not following through.
I'm sorry your relationship is in a bad way, sounds like you might need to possibly get your kids in counseling as well especially because they do not understand what's going on, you need to tend to your childrens best interests .
Vent away on here anytime, it does help...

Thanks for helping me guys. I guess I just need to know that I'm doing everything I can to help him and I'm not missing anything. so if we end up divorcing, at least I know I've tried my best. I do not want a divorce...I never imagined this would be our fate given how loving, attentive, and wonderful he used to be. but this is the face of depression and as surreal as it seems to me (sometimes I feel that I'm in a horrible nightmare), I will have to accept it sooner than later for my kids sake and my sake. I don't even have the energy to look into a divorce lawyer nor the funds for it for now.

One of the therapists called back and I have an appointment set up with him for next Wednesday. we spoke a bit, and he tells me that he is familiar with my situation and can help me with some coping skills. I hope he can give me more insight into how I can further help my husband. be it good or bad, I will update you guys with my status when the time comes. if only he wasn't so withdrawn, perhaps it would have been slightly easier to deal with him.

You are doing everything, please make sure the kids also get counseling because they are getting hurt by not having a father around and they are probably placing the blame on themselves...so they will also need help.

You aren't a single mom yet.

Try not to project into the future. You may become a single mom, but you can do it if you take it one day at a time.

Why would you think you would be an inadequate mom? You are selling yourself short. You may have to go on without him. I think you can do it. Keep hanging in there. Do start the therapy. It will help you through this.

Hugs, Karen...

yes, i have a therapist scheduled for myself this wednesday. i'm hoping that my husband will be open to seeing a therapist again soon (i will take him to see his pmd for joint pain evaluation and hopefully she can push him to see therapy. his psychiatrist has tried to push him again to seek therapy). if that fails then i will take him to see the psychiatrist who also does therapy.

his current psychiatrist increased his dosage to pristiq 100 mg because that will be less intimidating for my husband even though the psychiatrist prefers to augment the pristiq with abilify. one of my friends who is a neurologist managed to convince my husband to try clonazepam which made a difference in his sleep but he is being stubborn and does not want to take drugs that will mess with his brain.

karen, how quickly did the pristiq work for you? when did you augment it?

thanks everyone for responding and helping. you are really giving me so much perspective and this is what i need. thanks and i hope your journey goes well for you and for your close ones.