depressed husband who used to be so loving is now a jerk

nicecupoftea, thank you for your honest response. my kids are very young so they are unaware, but you are right. this is when they are the cutest and I am missing out. i don't want them to grow up to resent us as parents and feel as though they've missed out on life. this is why i appreciate all responses. currently, i have chosen to help my husband, but i will work with the therapist because i do not see myself doing this long term. the kids deserve at least one loving parent to dote on them, protect them, and let them know that life will be okay regardless of their successes or failures. so thank you for letting me learn about your experience. i will definitely keep this in mind. if in 6 months, you see that i've been a stubborn pig and have not given up on the hubby then please remind me again because that's too long of a period for the kids to not have their parents at all.

hi all. I went to my first therapy appointment yesterday. not sure how I feel about this therapist. he listened to me, asked the right questions and all but I'm not sure what will happen next. my goal was for him to give me some coping strategies to deal with my husband's depression but I left with the feeling that he wanted to help guide me towards separation/divorce. perhaps I gave mixed messages as I did talk about the possibility of divorce if I don't see my husband changing for the better sooner. I have moments when I see some improvement then my husband makes hurtful comments. at this point, I just want a professional to remind me that my husband's depression is not my fault and when he makes these hurtful comments, it's not him speaking. I also want a professional to tell me how to react when my husband makes these comments. so I will give him another session before I give up as I didn't find the first session helpful (I understood it was an introduction).

things I failed to mention. when I first discovered his depression, my husband wanted to separate as "the passion is gone" in our relationship as he put it. we've been married for almost 6 years by this point with two young toddlers and both of us have been overworked. I still love him very much and did feel the passion dying but I could not believe he wanted to separate over that matter when he admitted that he loved me from the bottom of his heart.

more recently, (like last week), he told me to move on, to not wait for him anymore when I told him I was willing to divorce him in October since I was so tired of being the one to constantly push him to take meds, to make sure he eats, etc. he told me I needed to move on to be happy and not waste my life. yet when I asked him what it was he really wanted, he replied, "I don't know."

did you guys ever say this to your spouse during your most depressed state? I know those who are depressed should not make any life changing decisions when they are at their worst, but it's hard to hear such things coming out of his mouth and not believe they are true.

how long did it take you to find the right combination of meds to work for you? and when it did, how long did it take for the meds to be effective? I've been reading more about ketamine and forgot to bring it up to his pdoc last weekend. has anyone tried it for their depression?

thanks.

Post Edited (ilovepuppies) : 8/18/2016 11:17:25 PM (GMT-6)

his psychiatrist keeps on reinforcing the importance of him seeing a therapist. I brought it up again and also discussed how it will help him retrain his thought process and better recognize his thoughts versus those that are influenced by depression.

his memory is still not great and this is killing him. so I discussed what the psychiatrist had recommended which is to be more aggressive with his meds and augment. I asked him if he would be interested so that he can be motivated again, feel less depress sooner, and improve his memory. I was surprise when he had an outburst and said, "how would I know? I'm so tired of you asking me everyday how I'm doing and how I'm feeling." I was a bit taken back as I do ask him but I don't push it and I try to bring up other topics too. however, it's hard to talk to a wall and carry on a one sided conversation so sometimes I just sit next to him in silence. and most times I ask him how he feels as that's the only way I get him to say anything to me.

I'm getting very tired and really hurt. I told him I don't know what he wants me to say and that I'm on his side. I just want my kids' dad to feel better so the kids can have their father back. I just want him to be happy. I know he doesn't bother to keep in touch with his family currently and since they haven't really pushed him to seek treatment, I've been doing this on my own and I'm very tired and so hurt by his outburst. I'm beginning to feel more and more upset and disappointed that he's putting the blame on me. he tells me he isn't but he's treating me much craptier than I've treated my worst enemy...and I'm beginning to recognize what I did wrong that would have lead to his depression.

our anniversary is coming up in 2 weekends and he plans to leave for a business trip for that weekend. maybe that's a good thing as I know not to expect any sort of acknowledgement for that weekend.

I know this isn't his fault but I feel he should have some level of accountability for the emotional abuse/neglect towards me. I truly feel for him as he's lost so much of himself but I don't know how to ignore the way he treats me or the things that he says to me. this sucks so much as the holiday season is coming up and I hate to tear my family apart during this season. my daughters are just now getting old enough to enjoy the festivities and there will be so little for them to celebrate this season. I wish I can have the strength and wisdom to carry on and help him through this, but I hate the feeling of somewhat hating my life right now.

I will give my psychologist one more chance to see if we're a good match so he can help guide me for now.

Post Edited (ilovepuppies) : 8/26/2016 2:07:24 AM (GMT-6)

Hi Juju,

Welcome to the forum. I am glad you posted. This is an older thread though so I hope you get some replies.

Have a good day...

Hugs, Karen...