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Posted 11/28/2005 1:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hi All,

I am new here & would like to tell you my story.

I believe I have Dysthymia since most of my childhood has been removed for protection.

I have no self-esteem. I was raised in an alcoholic family and of the three boys we had the stubborn eldest one, who took a lot of verbal abuse, the youngest, who was the rebel, and myself, who was always more impulsive and I hid every aspect of myself to prevent being yelled at or whatever. I always felt I was different than everyone else b/c of my lack of compassion and a strange feeling of separation from reality. Maybe it is total dissociation.

I have become totally codependent and my wife who also has been rough on me refuses to seek understanding. I have been married 15 years and have 2 kids. Frankly, I see my son as very much like myself, and the defense mechs he uses are a lot like the ones I used. My wife suppresses his ability to be himself, and for this I am afraid to become my real self - I don't really know who that is and my wife is judgmental. My wife is not really a bad person, she just likes things serene (her definition). Gee, do I sound codependent? We are seeing counseling and I am afraid she will never change, since she is a creature of habit and, hell, she has a codependent husband, and she is on top of the world, as far as I'm concerned-why change?

Anyway I hide my addictions, I hide my feelings, I hide the ugly truth. I am truthful about myself very rarely.

I had been on Effexor 2 years after trying all kinds of drugs, and all it did was contain the suicidal tendencies, nothing else. I weaned myself off them. I was on a high dose and the Psych decided to add Lexapro to the mix and that messed me all up. I started getting, I guess, delusional. My thought process was going funny. I hope never again.

I have spent the last 2 years sabotaging every relationship I have and have some damage control to take care of.

I am looking for friends. I am looking for hugs. My wife doesn't like me touching her. She thinks I am looking for sex all the time when I am looking for comfort. Wheee. Business partnership. But she is totally comfortable with it. I have done other forums, but I don't feel I fit in.

Thanks for reading this. I am dying for a loving relationship, I believe there is such a thing. So I believe in fairy tales!!

Posted 11/28/2005 2:06 PM (GMT 0)
Glennium.......Hi and Welcome to HW ........You will find great peeps on here that will help you thru alot of your issues.............Having a loving caring and giving relationship is NOT a fairy tale.........it can and does happen ......you sound so sad and it does come thru your post ........You are seeing you in your son and that is hurting you as well ..........You sure do not sound like a bad person at all just caring and worried about you ,your son and the "real you ".......you can come here and let us get to know the real you we are not judgemental at all and we will support you ,laugh with you and even cry with you .......I have made myself not remember most of my childhood as it was a living Heck at times and I dont want that to come into my life now as we are raising a daughter and I have one older son ( 31 ) with 2 grandbabies..........so I want to show them all that they are loved and needed in my life ......not like I was used in my childhood ........If you want to chat my info is under my name and my hubby (also a member "crohnshubby) would talk with you as well ..........you will see a difference between this site and others you have gone too  and that is we are all true and honest in our caring and support ............God Bless ........hope to see you again .........Lyn
Posted 11/28/2005 5:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hi and welcome . . .


First . .(((HUGS))) This is a very caring group of people. You will be wrapped up in the warmth of friendship. I believe in fairy tales too. Sometimes we have to create our own.

Sadly, your story is a familiar one. I am the depressed/anxious one. I have been on meds since June but have felt this way most of my life. I push my husband away, want to be alone. He tries very hard but just doesn't understand. He gets frustrated and that makes me sadder.

I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom. I do offer understanding and compassion. Stay strong, come here and visit often . . .

Peace,

Sadsunshine
Posted 11/28/2005 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
Sunshine .....I do the same with my Hubby .....I can shut myself off for days ...not talk at all........it isnt good to do I know and I am starting to open up as well he is learning not to keep asking me "what's wrong" as that is not good .....lol.......Howie gets frustrated too as he thinks he has done something wrong all the time and it is not him it is me ya know ..........be well and God Bless .....Lyn
Posted 11/28/2005 10:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lyn,

My husband and I have been together forever. We were high school sweethearts. He has been very patient with me but I really feel badly. I think he understands that it's not him. (Well, sometimes!!!) We give each other our space. He will only let me "hide" for so long.

It's good to know that I'm not the only one . . .

xo

Sadsunshine
Posted Yesterday 11:34 AM (GMT 0)
yes it does help to know we are not alone ..........Howie is learning to give me my space now as well and that is a big help.......as well he wont let me "hide" and "hurt" quietly for too long anymore either .........I think he is watching too much Dr.Phil with me lol........Take care sunshine and God Bless ......Lyn
Posted Yesterday 9:31 PM (GMT 0)
Dr. Phil rocks!!!!
Posted 12/2/2005 3:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, wait a minute!!!
Isn't this all about me?
...Waaaahhh....
Posted 12/2/2005 5:17 PM (GMT 0)
It's about all of us. One of the concepts I don't think much of is that if you want someone to change, you must change. It's true. There's nothing wrong with content, just with potential outcomes. Too much change destroys; too little, change comes too slowly.

However as I read, "Anyway I hide my addictions, I hide my feelings, I hide the ugly truth. I am truthful about myself very rarely," that is exactly what I thought. I believe in truth. I also believe in finding the least hurtful way to express truth (but I'm often not very good at that).

How can there be open interaction in a relationship? How can there be growth? How can there be spontaniatity (sp) or joy when you chose to live a lie or are living lies imposed upon you by the demands of another? The simple answer is that there can't be.

I hope you will think long and hard between each counseling session about how to speak truths in the least harmful way and then let the counselor work with your truth, not lies.

bev
Posted 12/2/2005 8:42 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry Glenn . . .

You got us going and we picked up from there!! Jump in any time!!! We're thinking about you!

Hugs . . .

Sadsunshine
Posted 12/3/2005 2:32 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Glenn,
I have the same feelings of detachedness and unreality. But for some reason my thought-process is distorted, although I am not on any medication. I have attempted to commit suicide as well. I wish I could come and hug you in person. I started crying when I read this, because I relate so closely. You will be in my thoughts and prayers :)
May God bless you!
-Alexis Sid
Posted 12/5/2005 12:14 PM (GMT 0)
Bev and Sadsunshine,

I was trying to be comical. I am not crying over the change of topic.

I have a lot of impish "fun" buried inside, and I enjoy that part of myself but my lovely and ssupportive (on her terms only...)wife has suppressed all mischief from the house.

I pledge to be totally honest about my plight, but allow me to keep my sense of humor. I will try to be less sarchastic as it's hard to detect in print. I just want to have some enjoyment for once!!!! tongue

Sid, you are more than welcome to MAIL me if you want to see if we really have the same type of disconnection. I am very curious about you and your situation.

Last night my Stalinist wife & I had a talk about "fun". She accused me of having more fun with my 7 yr-ols daughter. I know it's not my fault my wife doesn't like snow. Nor is it my fault she only finds enjoyment in reality television. In my opinion, seeing people in their most deperate moments mentally decimate other despreate people is more painful than entertaining.

Post Edited (Glenniem) : 12/5/2005 12:15:21 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/2/2006 2:23 AM (GMT 0)
*HUGS* I am dying for a loving relationship 2! Sorry about everything! i hope things get better for u. You seem like a nice/loving guy. Good Luck with everything!
~Crimson_Angel~
Posted 1/4/2006 6:41 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, Angel. Same to you.
And have a Happy New Year. Let's make something of it.
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