just another story

Hello dudes and dudettes. I just registered here because... well I don't know what to do. I know that there are people out there who have much bigger problems, but I have always thought of it this way: people are different (in everything: gender, age, experience, character, million things to mention) Someone's reasons for pain can seen not as real for you, but for that person the reasons are enough to bring him close to suicide. It's pretty much impossible to hear anything from a person who is very different in his ways, and even if they have had experienced something as the person they're trying to advise, they're still not going through it at the moment. Just as much impossible to be the one giving advice to someone who is in pain. for the same reasons. I hope that made sence. I really dont mean to offend anyone and I'm sorry if it did, but I was reading around and alot of the replies regarding other poeple's pain are sort of cheering up, with hopefullness, giving advice while being so sure, mentioning the poster's own experience sayign something like "I went through it when I was 19, now im 40", while you have to realise that when it happened for you many yers ago, everything was different, and its very hard to really imagine what the person is going through. Again no negativity, just saying...

But anyway. I guess I just want to spill it out, and for the reasons I stated above I hardly expect any help. Its just that the feeling of utter despair which I can almost physically feel that I am having from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I slip into something that can barely be called sleep, this feeling makes me go to a forum somewhere on the wasts of cyberspace, and helplessly *****, because there is no one that could hear me or understand me... Which is really crazy.

Well here's my story. I'm almost 30 now. I wont say that im super anti-social, I can stand being around people and act when need be, but I hate it, I'm sure there are a lot of people who can relate :) I've been like that since early teens I guess. Won't bore you with details, but my path brought me into taking drugs and complete apathy about everything (I was never a terrible junky who steals things or anything like that, my addictions were only hurting me, not other people, and for the most of the time I made it so that people who loved me, like my family wouldn't know about it) So about four years ago, being probably at the lowest point I have ever been in my life, just by luck (how thankful I am for it), I met someone over the internet. She lived half the world away, from a completely different culture, but slowly as we got to know each other I realised that I found someone who can never be as close to me in everything as she is (but now I'm thinking maybe it was my lonliness and a need forsomeone that talked, and maybe at the end of the day I didnt know her at all? I dont know anything at this point). After time of getting to know one another (ofcourse since we were very far away the best we could do is videochat) we were craving to see each other, and soon enough we made it possible. I think those few weeks were the best time of my life, as all the time that I spent with her. We fell in love so madly that all the time after first meeting in person that when we were apart we couldnt spend a day without seeing eachother. We met almsot every 6 months, sometimes, for weeks, sometimes for months (we tried to squeeze out all the time we could, but it's hard since both of us had things back home) we were making plans for the future, and being the negative nancy that I am, somewhere in my mind there was a though that "This is all way too good to be true. Can it really be that I have found someone like that?" I didnt belive my happiness, but with time she sort of convinced me (or how things were convinced me I guess) and for the first time in my life I felt hope that its going to be alright, that life isn't that bad, and might actually be worth it, I lived by the hope that these plans that we were making and how we imagined things would be will be real, even if it will take time. For the first time in my life when I was gettin close to 30, I had a purpose and a reason. But I guess it really was way too good to be true, and I should've listened to these thoughts. Not long ago she told me that she is sorry, but she doesnt have feelings for me anymore, and doesnt see me in her future life. At first I really couldnt belive it, it didn't make any sence, it was like some bad joke or a hallucination or a dream, just half a year we held each other, we were together, loving each other and thinking about the future...

After we came back to our homes from where we were seeing each other, as usual we talked all the time we could over the internet and thinknig about how, when and where we will see each other next time, but something was off, I cant tell what is it exactly, but I noticed that she maybe isnt as excited to see me anymore, it was barely visible, everything was almost exactly the same. She had changes going on in her life, having a career, moving to another country, and I tried to support her as much as I could while being far away. After she moved her life got hectic, she was constantly under stress, always busy and running around, it was very tought for her, and again I tried to support her as much as I could with what I had. As time went by we talked less and less and every time it wasnt the same anymore. One day I thought to myself that something is going awefully wrong (not yet realising that awefully wrong doesnt even get close to explain it) and I called her and said that I will come to see her, I didn't mind if she will be busy most of the time and we'll be seeing each other very little, I just felt like I MUST be there with her, I needed to be with her when its hard. She told me that we will talk about it later which was very strange to me because, like I said we would always use every chance to see each other, and just talking about how it will happen made us insanely happy. I was very strange. The next day it occupied my thoughts entirely, I couldnt think of anything else and waited to talk to her (the time difference) and when I finally did, in tears she told me what she did. She said she cant feel anything anymore, and she doesnt understand it herself, its just gone, and maybe it was gone even before but she only realised it now.

What I felt is, like I said in the begining is hard to get across to someone. There was turmoil in my head, there were million of thoughts violently exploding in my head and none of them made sence. I just couldnt (and still cant) understand how with all that we've had and we were she could grow cold like this, so quick, what has happened? I had crazy ideas, ofcourse being a man the first thing I though it that she found someone, but now I am sure it wasn't it. It just didn't make any sence.

Getting more to the point of this forum, and again my *****ing without expecting any relief (heck i don't know what am I doing here, why I am typing all this) Since that happened I wake up everyday and just start running, I need to do anything, I cant have a singe idle moment because when I do, I'm almost crying. It happens even in public, I have to keep myself together very hard. The other day I went to the bank and while waiting in line, I had a flash of memory of when we were at the bank one of the times we were together, I had to walk out and have a cigarette that moment, because I would've just started crying infront of many people. You know how when you miss someone, things that you did together remind you of them. Well I'm constantly reminded of things that never even happened directly with her, like I would be walking and remembering all the other million times walked the same path while thinking that Ill be talking to her or seeing her soon. Every little thing in my life reminds me of her, what we had and what we were, and everything that we will never be. Its crippling, It's all I think about it and I can't do anything. I don't want to eat or sleep, when I fall into something like sleep when its already getting light outside, its only for a few hours, then I wake up and start runninng, terrified of the thoughts that come when I stop. I feel like I dont know literally anything anymore, I don't know where I'm going with my life, and I dont even care, nothing makes sence anymore. The only thing that brings me peace is a though that somehow magically one day she will say that it was a terrible mistake, and I would be the happiest man on earth. It brings peace for some time, but its hardly possible and feels very unhealthy, yet its the only thing I can do. I feel like something will happen to me if it keeps on going like this. I still love her, I think I wont be able to stop loving her no matter how much it hurts, and I feel like I will never come even a little bit close to meeting someone like her, a truely unique and beautiful human being in all sences of the word. I know its over, but I feel like the only way for me to go on is to wait for that day... which will never come.

For once in my life I had something real, something beatiful, now its gone and I will never be able to feel it anymore. I really don't know what to do.

Sorry if my english made someone's eyes bleed, its not my native tongue.

Hello F27. Thank you for being blunt in your reply. I never really concidered myself special, and in no way wanted to make that impression. Like I said, I didn't really expect any advice or anything like that, I guess just writing this was theurapeutical in a way. But since you mentioned it, Antidepressants is a no-no for me, I'd rather smoke or drink myself to numbness (which is the same thing as antideprissants IMHO, and which is something i won't do), Talk Therapy, I'm not sure what you mean by that, but I wouldnt be comfortable discussing the details of my situation with random people if you mean a hotline or something, hell I feel like the only one who might be able to understand me is the person I was talking about, but that's not possible on many ways. and I'm not sure what CBT is)...

By the way about being a pragmatist. I understand what you're saying very well, because I thought I was that kind of pragmatist myself. Dont get me wrong, I had relationships tht has gone wrong, I know that time makes it easier, it makes you forget everything eventually. But I've never been here before.

Hi, Hi_there.

I am going to reply to your post in a different way than I usually do. I normally offer my sympathies, but you have made it clear that
you dont really want that. A ( tiny ) bit more on this later.

What you are going through is not unusual. You are ( very ) depressed about your breakup. So far ( aside from creating your
post at Healing Well ) you have had only one method of relief.
Running. To get healthy again you very likely need to do more than
run. Running is your temporary fix. You need to work at a more
permanent fix imo.

There are many things you can do to get healthier, but you have to be able to accept others help and forget the notion that you are
hopeless and that orhers only have coddling words to offer.

Seeking out a professional councillor would be one positive way to improve your feelings and health. Getting out to places where you can meet like-minded people ( similar interests etc ) is also a good way to move towards being healthier. Finding an enjoyable hobby
is a wonderful way to improve your life as well. In short...there are many things you can do to improve your quality of life.

In closing I am moving back towards my first paragraph. You appear to be correct about your negativety. It shows in your post imo. I came very close to not responding because I figured you may not appreciate what I have to offer, little as it may be. But it took time and effort on my part, just as it did for F-27. If you are not up to trying some ideas that people may offer then you are correct in saying you wont get better or healthier. People here do care and collectively placed together, you have access to a lot of experience with the black hole of depression. I hope you will try to be open to
help that is offered to you.

With best regards,
Derwood

PS- Nothing ventured nothing gained.

The way I see it, think of a person who is unable to feel enjoyment in life anymore, only pain (i mean a hypothetical person) he might as well end it all now, but the apathy is what stops him, he just doesnt give a crap, well antideprissants (again IMHO) can lift off the apathy before the actual "behavioral anomalies" or however do i call it settle, and after getting to his feet the first thing the person does is running towards the window... But yeah, I dont know. They're not very popular where I'm from, and I also don't feel like I know enough about it... I trust medical marijuana more. But maybe you're right, and there is no harm in trying, in any way I could just stop any time.

Ill check into the CBT, I have never heard of it. Regarding the psychologists and psychiatrists of all kids, I think they're won't be very usefull for some people. To really have a positive effect of visiting a psychologist, you need to be honest with them while talking, and that is what I was talking about, even if I deided to come and see one, I know for a fact I wont be able to tell them some things, and these things could be of utmost importance, in fact you could only make things worse if you go that way. I remember when I was studying in Uni I had firends wo were to become psychologists, and I've met many people of their kind, I remember thinking "Wow, these are the people who will supposedly help other people..." no way in hell ) I think Talk Therapy could be useful when you are talking with someone close to you, someone you trust, someone who knows you well and someone who isnt judgemental, but there are no peple like that that i know.

"think of a person who is unable to feel enjoyment in life anymore, only pain" - it's called "dysthymia", it's common and treatable. Look it up.

"Therapy could be useful when you are talking with someone close to you, someone you trust, someone who knows you well and someone who isnt judgemental, ...". You're wrong. It's the fact that you're talking to a stranger that makes therapy work. If you have things you can not discuss legally, morally, or ethically, frame your discussion about your feelings and not your actions.

That iron-clad conclusion that you have no hope is your brain lying to you. We all know because we've all been there. More than once.

There are ways that you can change this, perhaps on your own.

Welcome Hi there

There is a resource thread at the top of this forum. I strongly suggest you check it out.

You physical symptoms are normal for depression. I think a therapist would be a could idea.

Peace
Trina

Hi Hi-there! :) Welcome! I am sorry you're going through such a tough time.

I've read through your post and the replies, and I think what F27 said hit the nail on the head:
"That iron-clad conclusion that you have no hope is your brain lying to you"

That's exactly right. You are clearly depressed, and depression is a liar. It tells us things will never get better, that we are worthless. There are multiple treatments that others have mentioned that can and will help - talk therapy/counseling, medication, exercise, etc. Obviously you need to be comfortable with whatever treatment you decide, but like you said, there's no harm in trying and you can stop any course of action if you don't like it.

But remember, you don't need a partner to be happy. You are a whole, worthwhile, and complete person on your own. Best of luck and I hope you can find happiness!

Your first salvo..."I just posted here because I didn't know what else to do" and then reject what others have suggested tells me that you just needed to 'let it all out' and didn't expect a solution. So, let me ask you...How's what you're doing working for you?

Please don't discount what we have experienced out of hand. Many of us have been in this battle for a good long time.

I do not take anti depressants because the ones that I have tried have caused side effects that made my life worse, not better. I don't have the option of medicating myself with alcohol because I'm an alcoholic that is sober today and alcohol is a depressant so that would defeat the purpose anyway.

The fact that you returned and have been having 'discussions' with some of us is a prime example of how "Talk therapy" actually works. It isn't an overnight fix. It is a lifelong commitment.

Breakups are worse than death simply because the other person is still alive. The 'possibilities' are endless and excrutiating. We've all been through job interviews where we thought they were successful, that we were perfect for the job, but it was given to someone else. Did we give up? No. We applied for the next job opening. Geez.

Nice posts and discussion FWIW friends.

What Pitmom is pointing out is that depression fools us into thinking negatively about the problem. We sabotage our own recovery too easily by just saying, "This won't work" or "Medications will give me side effects." After a while,we start to believe that we are hopeless, and that depression is insurmountable.

The simple truth is that these things can work.

The more nuanced truth is that different things work for different people--and no two people are alike in their successes. But trying various methods to see what will happen is the way forward. Not trying is, well, that is self-sabotage.

One more thing about meds. Some are very sensitive, true, and have more side effects that do not go away as the body accustoms itself to the dosage. Other people take medications that have turned their lives around, and have side effects that went away after a few weeks. Some people have situational depression that can be alleviated by talk therapy and coping techniques--others have a chemical imbalance where medication is necessary. Health anxiety is a very real thing.

Be well, new friend.