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These thoughts...I don't want to have them.

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Posted 9/26/2016 8:27 PM (GMT 0)
I've never suffered from depression. Never! I've gotten sad about certain things before, but never considered myself depressed; I still don't. I've been dealing with a lot of throat "issues", I was diagnosed with esophogitis due to GERD (along with Diabetes, anxiety, and panic disorders) and I find myself thinking that I would be better off not being here, not existing. I've been on treatment for all of the above for the past (give or take) 4 months. I've changed the way I eat (and cook) since day 1, I've lost 45lbs (and counting), I started to exercising too, I'm getting therapy, and I have a dr that has been very helpful and I'm still thinking I'm "better off"??? WTH!
I was one to ALWAYS say, "life is too short, have fun, be happy, enjoy it!!! Don't take it for granted" and now I'm the one who is thinking, "hmm,what if I don't ever get better? I don't want to live like this...".
I hate the fact that I think that, that I'm "considering" it an option. (I will NOT kill myself or harm myself. I'm too chicken for even trying to do that.) I am not a quitter, but geez! Can't catch a break here.
My worse fear is choking. It always has been since I can remember. Never liked juicy foods because of that, what if its too juicy and I cant swallow it and I choke? Ugh! Now, all my main issues are with my throat. No matter what I eat I feel like I might just choke, I hesitate to drink water, to swallow my medicine, try new food, etc. I used to be a big time foodie, oh how I loved trying new foods from different places, and now I hesitate to swallow water??? Im very frustrated and sadden by who I am right now. This is NOT me, when will I ever be ok??
Posted 9/26/2016 8:50 PM (GMT 0)
Things take time to heal. Anxiety will only delay this process.

I think there is a GERD or GASTRO forum

I would also like to suggest the following website for you to explore
I am on my cell so you will have to cut and pastr e

Www.mindful.org

Peace
Trina
Posted 9/26/2016 9:03 PM (GMT 0)
It may not be depression but it does sound like a little bit of anxiety creeping in. Worrying about the "what ifs". I think one of the things you should do is try to stay calm, not worry. Eat slowly. Take small bites and chew it good. I know the feeling about juicy foods. They can go down the wrong hole. I have choked before. Or had that happen, going down the wrong hole.

This world wouldn't be as interesting without you in it. Try to get the thoughts out of your mind and think of other things. Good things.

I agree with Trina, mindful.org would probably be a help for you. It helps you to stay in the "now" so you don't worry.

Things are going to be okay. One day at a time.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/27/2016 12:41 AM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry you're going through all this cookie. That's very difficult. It sounds like you're having a lot of health anxiety and feelings of doom - very common with a panic disorder. I think you're on the right path to healing with getting healthy and therapy. Have you seen a doctor (primary care or psychiatrist) to talk about these feelings? What does your therapist recommend? There are medications out there that can help you if the other things you're doing aren't enough.

Strength to you!
Posted 9/27/2016 1:40 AM (GMT 0)
Hello and welcome cookiesk9. I'd think you were messed up if you thought "Hey! I love living like this!"

Of course you don't want to live this way, especially since you've experienced life differently before.

What I've had to do, repeatedly, is redefine 'this'. What you don't want is to live fearfully. I don't know anyone that does.

Hopefully, you can find a support group beyond this, to help you adjust.

While what I am going through is not the same, I've been having eating/choking issues due to tooth loss. I no longer have any matching molars. No chewing surface. The rest of my teeth are not in great condition either and I am on Medicare, which does not cover anything dental related. I 'miss' chewing. I am embarassed to eat in front of other people. I don't enjoy going out to eat any more. When I do, we always request a booth rather than a table, so that few people can see me. My dinner partner always finishes long before me. The wait staff get impatient and bring the check to the table long before I am done.

I've had to go ahead and 'grieve' the loss. The loss of the teeth, the loss of the enjoyment, the loss of comfortability, etc. This is my 'new normal' and this too will change.

Find others like yourself, learn from their experiences and keep on with life. You will find your 'new normal' too.
Posted 9/27/2016 5:45 PM (GMT 0)
BnotAfraid, Thank you for replying to me. I know it takes time :( there's just days where I'm like "Ok!!! I've done enough, let me catch a break!!" I'll look into the site you suggested. I'll do anything to steer myself into the positive mindset (full time).

getting by/Karen, Thank you for your words: "This world wouldn't be as interesting without you in it". Made me cry actually, to read that (in a good way). Sometimes you just need to hear (or read) things like that to validate your existence in this world. I spoke w my nephew yesterday and he told me I inspire him to get up every day and deal with these "issues" (he has anxiety from time to time). That for me was like WOW! I didn't know I had that affect on people, let alone him. I woke up today feeling better, feeling like I CAN do it, just taking it "One breath at a time".

supapfunk, Thank you, I really am trying everything possible to be and feel healthy. My therapist just talks to me about my past; she's pretty much starting from the beginning till now to determine why the anxiety began in the 1st place. I should tell her though, about my "chocking" situation; I don't want her to put me under the "depressed" category :(

pitmom, I dont want to live in fear, I was a fearless person before. I was free to do as I pleased. I want that back! This support group/website has definitely helped me. Theres certain things you want to let out, but you just cant with family or even your close friend and I just love that I can do this here and get real peoples opinion and feedback (also love). I am sorry about your situation; as for the wait staff getting impatient, who cares! You take your time and enjoy your food and your dinner partner I'm pretty sure doesn't care; I'm the last to finish too so we're on the same boat. I wish you nothing but the best and thank you for your words.
Posted 9/28/2016 2:42 AM (GMT 0)
keep strong, sending many healing thoughts. with anxiety and panic, distraction is key.
Posted 9/28/2016 11:25 AM (GMT 0)
Hey cookies9,

I am glad my message touched you but sorry I made you cry. You are a special person in this world. Remember that. We all have a place.

I hope that things get better for you and that you can be happy.

Take care and keep posting, it helps.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/28/2016 3:19 PM (GMT 0)
TheHappyTurtle, Thank you and you are right, distraction is the best remedy I think. Just sucks that when I am having an "episode" I cannot distract myself with anything. Takes a lot, but I will keep fighting.

gettingby, I am very greatfull for your words (and everybody's on here), they help and don't be sorry. Those tears were good tears, they made me feel good. I do believe we all have a purpose here and that everybody that enters (or exits)your life is for a reason; I was brought to this site for a reason. Maybe to connect with people like yourself that I can vent with and just communicate everything. THANK YOU! I wish you the best too and I will keep posting, hope we keep in touch.
Posted 9/28/2016 4:22 PM (GMT 0)
keep strong mate. we care.
Posted 9/28/2016 7:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hi cookie,

I believe everything happens for a reason too. And that we are all on a healing journey. I hope you are feeling well today. It is nice here, sunny and not hot. I have been walking as much as I can before the snow comes in a month or so and I can't. Walking makes me feel so much better.

Take care and have a lovely day!

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/28/2016 7:28 PM (GMT 0)
cookies,

Have you checked out

www.mindful.org?

There are many reasons to develop a resistance to swallowing. It might be a GOOD idea to call your doctor and have a honest, sit down talk about what is going on. How your emotions are running, what is happening in your life.

Be strong
Peace
Trina
Posted 9/30/2016 3:08 PM (GMT 0)
The Happy Turtle, thank you! :)

getting by, I'm feeling a bit better. I try to wake up in the mornings and just say 1 thing I am grateful for or 1 thing that will keep me moving; so far so good. It's not too hot or too cold here, California weather is good to us (could use some rain though). I work out, that helps. All that sweating keeps my mind and body off of bad thoughts. Have a great day! Build a snowman for us when the snow come :)

Bnotafraid, I have...I did some clicking on there. Pretty neat website. As for talking to my doctor, I rather talk to my therapist for the sit down heart to heart talk.
Posted 9/30/2016 4:00 PM (GMT 0)
You sound better. I think you are doing the right things. Sometimes we get stuck and have to work hard to get going again. . I live in Michigan. We could have snow in October, which it almost is. Tomorrow. Ha... The summer went by way too fast again.

Keep up the good work. And walk when you can. It is enjoyable exercise. Also yes, Mindful.org is awesome!!!

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/30/2016 5:40 PM (GMT 0)
i'm just down the road!! lol.
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