depressed due to work, feeling lost

It sounds like September was ok, and then there was a quick downhill slide in Oct and Nov. You identified the original depression as being a personal matter which seemed to be handled by the medication throughout Oct, then becoming overwhelmed in Nov and in Nov you were having sleep problems severe enough to require changing meds.

Then you say, "I started feeling very depressed again because my job became very stressful, with a new hire coming in, and I feel overwhelmed with work."

So some obvious things come to mind.
1. Are you actually bothered by the personal matter and focusing on the bad parts of your job to avoid focusing on it?
2. Did the sleep deprivation cause you to fall behind at work, which led to feeling overwhelmed?
3. Was the job becoming stressful prior to the new hire coming in?
4. What is the reason the new hire makes you stressful? I'm thinking it could be that you don't feel up to a new job requirement or it might be that you feel like someone will be too close when you and your work are not at the best.
5. Did something change in your environment during this two month period? New carpet, new lighting, new office space, new equipment, something else that changed?
6. Is there someone at work you can talk to about the workload, help you get caught up, or ?, who you've overlooked?
7. Did you have work or personal issues in the past, which caused similar problems, making this a bit more convoluted than your post indicates?

I'm not asking you to give me answers to those questions, but unless something sticks out and you can say, "Yes! thats it. Now I know what to investigate or do," I would suggest you a) a tell your doctor about the suicide thoughts if you haven't already and see about another change of medications AND b)see a counselor for some short term work to identify what took you down so quickly.

Catching depression at the very beginning is really important. Toughing it out, generally piles more and more on, making it more confusing for everyone. So I'm happy you wrote in now and I hope what is bothering you becomes clear to you so you can see the path to changing it ASAP--and get back to being a happy person and employee.

bev

It seems odd that with all the support and what you've done to help yourself that there isn't almost a placebo effect making things better.

Maybe you are a bit like my dad. He was very cool and the most stable person in my life--but he was dead set against taking on extra responsiblity at work. He refused many chances for advancement, saying managers got too wrapped up in their jobs. He wanted to put his hours in and have a life.

Maybe something like that is going on with you, but didn't hit until the crunch came. It's just odd how it happen. Maybe you will be one of he lucky ones and have it go away just as quickly.

Consider telling your daughter at least some of it. Like you said she probably knows something is wrong anyway--so it's better for both of you--and especially her, if she knows that adults, even dads, feel down sometimes. Then she will also see you come back from at least a known problem and what you went through. It's good for kids; they will be having their own ups and downs; and it shows them that things get better. It will be good for you, because your relationship with her will be more honest.

bev

"I have also decided to be a family man rather than a company man, and this has hurt my success at work." That's a conflicted sentence if I ever heard one.

Too many men (and nowadays) women seem to believe that success at work (and the higher pay) defines their worth in the human arena. Nothing in this whole world defines worth more or better than how a person is with their family

I always like the Confusius saying which I'm about to screw up. It was something like: if someone wants to set the world straight first they have to set their community straight. If they want to set the community straight, first they have to set their houses straight. If someone wants to set their houses straight, first they have to set their families straight. If someone wants to set their family straight, first they have to set themselves straight. If someone wants to set themselves straight, first they have to set their heart straight.

It sounds like you have done that, but circumstances changed, the unexpected happen, (kids pay and unpaid OT) and/or (that family matter back in Oct). Did time and space collide and set you to wondering what might have been.

Youth are supposed to be exhuberant; they are supposed to have the stamina, lack a philosophy of life, and not have enough else filling up their lives, so they can throw themselves into their jobs (I know because my dad used to complain about them upsetting everything).

I saw the same as you--when I was mid 40's, my boss was 30 and earned double what I did. I knew every bit as much as he did about management and more than he did about the job. Sometimes I flinched over that, but I never let it get in the way of my happiness with how my life was. He was a good guy, and I liked him. I saw something that was holding him back in his career--and I taught him some things then manipulated the system to help him get past that. Today, he earns at least 3 times more than I ever did--and I'm happy for him.

I saw another person my age hired at the same time I was. She climbed the ladder quickly and soon earn more 25% more than me. She was in constant turmoil always wary of the dogs nipping at her heels. She sucked up to some, pushed others around, and just generally acted like she had something to prove. After 10 years of being a b**** on wheels, she had a stroke. She's my sister in law and as of this January she's been bed riden and tube fed for 6 years.

The point of those two stories isn't to compare heart with heartless, but to say that you are at the beginning of a new time in your life, where your historical knowledge of people and the job has great value, if you chose to use it for good. You are in a time of transition, a time between the recklessness and exhuberance of youth and your own aging and reflections.

Anyone who lives long enough goes through that, but all we go through is a doorway. I love it on this side of the door. Getting through it was really the first day of the rest of my life. Getting through it meant no more agonizing about whether I'm the right KIND of person or whether I did the right thing; I know I made the best choices I could in the circumstances. And best of all, it's the beginning of a second life, only this time you start by knowing the score.

Things won't always be the way you want them on the other side of the door. I like to work alone or with one partner, but I was thrust into working in a group. Working with noise and confusion was foreign to me. I had to pick up a few new coping skills and sometimes say no more--Pink Floyd--was one of the no mores.

You made the choice to put family first. Stick with it. A job is just a job; it puts bread on the table and clothes on your back--so that you can be with the people you love and care for. Remember that and I'll bet you find all the motivation you need in short order.

bev

Another of my favorite expressions that I'm about to screw up, is: I'd rather be old and treacherous than young and exhuberant. You can have it all as long as work, home and you don't suffer for shooting for the golden ring.

Those pimple faced kids politic and pump themselves up without even realizing what they are doing. They get so darn full of themselves, well, you know..... You can do exactly the same with cunning. You know what you want and don't feel like you've gotten from your employer. You know your employer better than they do. Use what you know--and don't wait too long or your boss might be one of the pimply faced kids--then you will have to change jobs.

A rule of thumb in business is to spend 80% of the day working and 20% managing. Do a little manipulation of that and you might come up with something like 75% of the day working, 15% managing, and 10% politicking. If you go with those percentages and work an 8 hours day, it's 8 x 60 = 480 times 10%--that comes to 48 minutes a day--day in and day out that you politic. The rest of the time you work smarter not faster.

I saw those same kids, take proceedures I'd spent years figuring out on my own, and in almost no time they turned some into works of art and mangled others. The main difference in them and me was that I had staying power. I didn't flit from one thing to the next--I kept things going--I kept things on an even keel--I picked up and fixed their messes.

Bet you've been doing some of that too--and not telling a soul. Get a generous, but treacherous heart. Make sure your bosses know that you like their passion, but you are the steady and faithful keel. Men do things differently than women, so I can't say how you might use politicking to get the raise and/or promotion, but I'll bet you've seen enough that you know. Good timing for starting that would be right after one of them costs the company something important or takes a better job elsewhere! See what I mean about treachery.

I made the choice that family was all important--and because of that, later in life I genuinely liked those pimple faced kids and seeing them succeed. Oddly, in the end, I had greater successes in my work, both financial and personal gratification (except a last rotten boss) than I ever achieved before that.

Transition is tough and you really sound like that is where you are, but like I said before--it's just a door--and with the addition of new coping skills--and maybe negotiating skills, it can be wonderful.

bev