how to convince him...

hi all, my husband has severe depression and moderate to severe anxiety. he has been seeing a psychiatrist for 3.5 months. currently, he is on pristiq 100mg and abilify 10 mg with little improvement. I am grateful that we got plugged in with our current psychiatrist very quickly and will forever be grateful for that. but now that we have been with him for this long, I realize that he may not be a good fit for my husband. for example, he doesn't understand the Asian mentality. the pdoc says that my husband has severe depression but because he is able to work, the pdoc acts like my husband's depression is not that bad. he doesn't communicate with us and doesn't truly listen. when we call, he ignores our phone call. when we ask to adjust the meds because my husband is so fatigue with the current regimen, he tells us to continue with the current regimen. also, my husband has gotten much more emotionally numb and apathetic with the current regimen but the pdoc doesn't care. he feels that that's a good thing as it makes my husband less anxious about his workload. he's so apathetic that when my almost four years old cried because she fell and landed against her face, he doesn't even bother to console her. he just sits in the chair and lets her cry as if he's a total bystander. finally, the pdoc states that it may take a year before my husband gets better at this pace, and he's okay with that. he doesn't care about how this year will destroy our family as my husband as been emotionally abusive towards me and at times our kids. he's awol as a father and husband.

anyhow, another psychiatrist came highly recommended by one of my psychiatrist friend. this guy understands the Asian mentality, has been great with communicating with me by email, and has tried to bend over backwards to get my husband seen despite his busy schedule. he knows that even though my husband works, he recognizes that my husband has severe depression because his work is severely impaired. he also is in academia and is currently teaching psychiatric residents at a prestigious psych program. the problem is, my husband refuses to see another psychiatrist, not because he's attached to his current one. it's because he's tired of dealing with his illness and doesn't want to relive it by going through an initial consult where he has to tell everything from the beginning. his PMD even urged him to get a second opinion as she sees so little improvement with the current psychiatrist. this new psychiatrist is also much more experienced. he's older, does both inpatient and outpatient psych, has equally intelligent colleagues he can consult, and sees more volume and is much more up to date with treatment.

so how can I get him to see this new guy for at least a second opinion. I'm the only one who's been pushing him to get help and his siblings have been hands off besides for a phone call here and there. I so resent them as he's always done more to help them out. his PMD and staff even placed two phone calls urging him to get a second opinion and to call this new pdoc for at least a free 5 minutes consult (which he hasn't done). as he becomes more apathetic, it has become more difficult to get him to do things. he has poor insight and because I'm truly the only family member he keeps in touch with, he is very combative towards me. anything I recommend is automatically met with a "no." if I push it then he cries and withdraws. it's worse than walking on egg shells for me.

please help.

Post Edited (ilovepuppies) : 10/28/2016 9:14:01 PM (GMT-6)

I feel for you--I truly do. But,as Karen said--there is not much you can do. This is hubbie's mental health. His choice of therapist. It is bad that his mental state reflects back into your family dynamic.

And, honestly, there is no magic fix,nor should you expect one. Change is slow and painful. Medication takes time to work. Talk-therapy takes time to adjust thinking and behavior. Another doctor,however understanding,is still a step back at this point.

Hubby is in academia? I get that. All I can say is that too many balls in the air means that things get dropped,and overall performance across the board is lowered. Classes, research, service, family-- the load IS the load--and that is why many people cannot carry it. Everyone struggles with some aspect--even healthy people. I had a severe UC flare, which marked the end of the path for me. The depression and fibro I could semi-manage with work, but the flare tanked my ability to manage I wish I could give you a better answer.

Let him be for a bit. There is a fine line between helping and pressuring.

thanks for responding guys.

living with a depressed spouse has been the most challenging thing for me. I have a mom with narcissitic personality disorder and even she has been quite a handful, but having a depressed husband is much more difficult. I guess because he's sick and I no longer have a partner to help with the kids. no emergency contact who I can rely on if something happens to me.

you're right, I cannot break his trust. as is, he's allowing me to be a part of his psychiatry visits to help him.

he has been on pristiq 100 mg for 13 weeks already (he has been pristiq for a total of 17 weeks) and on abilify 10 mg for 4 weeks already (he has been on abilify for a total of 7 weeks). he's still mean to me. his comments are always so negative. he's short with me but so much more pleasant with everyone else. it's hard not to be offended by him and I recognize that he's emotionally abusive towards me and at times our kids. but I'm hanging on as I know it's the depression that's doing this for me...and I tell myself that I shouldn't take it personally. I just don't know at what point do I draw the line and make him accountable for his ill treatment towards me?

I'm just very concerned now that his PMD also told me to push for a second opinion. I will give it a few more months. if I see no improvement and lack of concerns from his pdoc then I will bring up the new pdoc again.

thank guys. I don't know what motivated you to be so proactive in getting help and I wish I had the patience like you guys did during the trial of medications. bless you and I hope you all continue to stay well.

I hope we can come across a combination of medication soon. my concern is, the last time we spoke to the psychiatrist, the pdoc made it clear that he would not change the med even though he agreed it wasn't the right med. he will instead add on wellbutrin to the regimen during our follow up visit this week. so I feel like we're going at a much slower rate than necessary.

it was a sad day for me. today, today is our daughter's fourth birthday and no word from my husband. he left for a business trip on Monday and ignored all texts. I even sent him a friendly reminder that it was our daughter's birthday, but we did not even hear from him. I'm just very sad. it was one thing for him to entirely ignore our anniversary but another to ignore our sweet girl's bday. to be fair, he gave her a birthday gift and I bought a cake on sunday for us to have a pre-celebration, but I thought at the very least, he would have texted her something. I hate the person he has become and I'm afraid our marriage can't last.

I have tried counseling and so has he. unfortunately, he told me too late that he didn't jive with the counselor after we've had so many sessions with him for his depression. and my counseling tried to prepare me for divorce from the first session.

I am living my life but when he does things where it's clear to me that it's all about him (even his treatment of me), I strongly want to leave him so I can protect what's left of my family.

thanks for the advice. unfortunately, he is so withdrawn that there is minimal conversation between us. he does not pay attention to what I say and gets easily agitated when I communicate with him. he has no interest in hearing what I have to say. and as for him talking to me, that's a nonexistent possibility as he tells me nothing. much of what I learn about him now is during the office visits with the pdoc. as a matter of fact, I know so much more about colleagues that I do not get along with than I do about him currently. your advice is actually great but it cannot be used in my situation. as is, he can barely make eye contact with me. as is, over the past 5 months, I have yet to hear him ask me how I'm doing. any conversation I have started has been met with monosyllabic answers. any question I've asked his been mostly met with "I don't know" or "I don't remember" or on the few occasions, a simple phrase to answer me yet end all other conversations.

yet the current pdoc is okay with all of this as in his opinion, my husband is 30% improved which I do not see. he is improved in some ways and worse in other ways.

I was hoping to avoid separation until after the holidays as it will be rough on the kids and I don't know how he'll do. perhaps he will welcome it as it will relieve him from all responsibilities or it might worsen his condition as the kids are probably the only reason he has to get better. I don't know. I have tried to push counseling again but it will not happen as he's ridiculously stubborn and is without insight. there is only so much neglect/emotional abuse that one can take.

Post Edited (ilovepuppies) : 11/3/2016 10:36:35 AM (GMT-6)

^^^ this ^^^

hi guys, he finally saw the new psychiatrist. it was chaotic as our babysitter got ill and I had to bring both of the very young kids to the appointment. despite the noise and distraction, the psychiatrist remained very professional and I felt much more hopeful with this new one. he has been great with communicating with us back and forth and helping adjust the medication as my husband is currently sedated with all the meds. and he is very much concern about the severity of my husband's depression and anxiety and wants weekly updates from us (email and phone calls). he even agrees that my husband might be a candidate for ECT but wants to try remeron first as he recognizes that my husband wouldn't be able to handle the thought of ECT in his current condition. he also recognizes that my husband is too sick to proceed with therapy for now.

unfortunately, he has not started tapering the pristiq and abilify as the psychiatrist wants my husband to respond to remeron first before discontinuing the other meds as they are helping him enough to prevent him from being suicidal. so now my husband is basically sleeping all day.

my husband has been very good with taking the meds although he's still very irritable and just all around mean to me at times. but as long as he's taking these meds, I know he's really doing his best because I know how much he hates having to take meds and feeling lethargic all day. we're taking it one week at a time.

so thank you for your support. you guys have been so helpful in keeping me grounded during this difficult time in my life and my marriage.

even if it doesn't work out between my husband and myself, I really want to thank all of you for caring about this stranger.

I hate this disease! you guys have been amazing in dealing with your illness and helping others cope too.

if anyone has any experience with remeron, please let me know.

my husband started on 15 mg x 1 week then recently was increased to 30 mg as the psychiatrist wanted him to go up on this med rapidly to achieve the antidepressant effect. he was also placed on klonopin as he was having panic attacks and bad anxiety throughout the day but that was too much for him to handle and the psychiatrist mentioned to stop it for now.

Post Edited (ilovepuppies) : 11/13/2016 8:00:33 PM (GMT-7)

thanks turtle! actually, i switched to this psychiatrist because i want ect for my husband. he is so depressed. one of my colleagues finally visited him and was shocked by the changes. she heard stories from me but it never registered to her how ill he was until she saw him for the first time yesterday.

this new psychiatrist is willing to do ect and has the experience as he does a lot of inpatient psych and is in academics too. he just want my husband to be open to the idea and trust him first.

i'm just feeling so down by this change in my life and marriage...but you guys are helping me and i am trying to continue therapy for myself.

thanks turtle! i'm glad to hear ect worked for you. i've been reading so many horror stories regarding ect as people tend to be more vocal with negative experience, but i know it works and i hope he responds to ect if and when the time comes for that.

Thanks Trina. Can you clarify, inside he thinks of me as what? A friend, a foe, a nuisance?