How do you deal with the holidays?

Hi everyone,

My initial post sounded pretty pitiful and needy, and I really don't want to be this way.  The holidays always add to my depression, which I'm sure is very common.  As my extended family doesn't accept the fact of my illnesses, mainly agoraphobia, Christmas is like a nightmare to me.  I usually do my shopping over the Internet; this year I haven't, and it's really too late now.  Then the family Christmas dinner and gift exchange--I start months ahead trying to think of excuses to get out of it.

This Thanksgiving, I dropped my daughter off, and went back home.  I didn't even tell anyone I wasn't going to come because I didn't want to deal with all the guilt trips that would be laid on me.

Now Christmas is a few weeks away, and I have no idea how I can go, and I've used up all the excuses I can think of over the years.  I hate lying, but honesty doesn't work when your family doesn't believe you have agoraphobia.  I've tried being honest many times, but the responses I get back are, "I'm hurting this person or that person, I'm just thinking of myself, blah, blah, blah."   

I would appreciate hearing any ideas of how you all deal with the holidays.  I can't get the anxiety out of my head over it, and of course, the more you think about it, the more anxious one becomes.  It's a vicious circle. 

Suz 

This is really not an answer--it's my wicked sense of humor. You could tell them that you've finally come to agree with them. You don't have agoraphobia. You've decided that you just don't like them. Sorry, it popped in, and I tend to say what pops in, even when I know better.

I had a short spell with immobilization, which is probably similar to agoraphobia. During that would not even have been able to take my daughter, like you have been doing. I mean I just plain didn't do anything. Even thinking about going out brought on severe anxiety. I did get over it. I don't know how.

My only thought would be that you don't worry about presents or whether or not to go. Have your daugher write on paper, "go," and "not go." The day of the event draw one. Since doing that will give you a 50-50 chance either way, maybe between now and then you can cut the anxiety to 50% and be more ready for whatever comes.

I'm reminded when I was a child and made decisions by flipping a coin. What the coin said did not matter one bit to me. Instead I decided based on whether or not in that first split second my heart leaped up. Most likely a part of you would be at ease if you did something similar with the drawing--so that your inner self would be in charge of what happens.

You could always try it on something else in the meantime too. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

bev

Hee--there may be more truth than not in "your wicked sense of humor" answer! Since I don't go out, I can't even pick up germs to be sick for Christmas!

I don't know what to do; but your answers have made me feel better and brought a smile to my face.

Suz

Hi Suz,

How to deal with the Holidays:

Do what you want when you want. Be as social or non-social as you want to be.

Do not offer any explanation for why you won't be attending any function. Ettiquette only requires a yes or no to the invitation, not an explanation. A nice therapist taught me to say simply "I have other plans" and not say any more. If the other person asks what my plans are, I just repeat "I have other plans" . If they decide to be obnoxious and impolite and ask again... they will get my same reply which is now not only saying "I have other plans" but is also indicating to them that I won't be sharing with them what my other plans are (because I don't want to, I don't have to, it is not required, it is not any of their beeswax!). Keep in mind, my "other plans" may be something as simple as... not attending the function! Or, watching Survivor. Or, reading a book. Or, getting to bed early that night....

Enjoy your holidays, whatever you decide to do with them!

Nanse

My family lives out of state and mom has stopped pressuring me to come by, or whatever. I am on my own unless my boyfriend tries to bring me along to his family event. I haven't yet let him meet my family so the pressure isn't there but the fear of him meeting them one day is...

I work in a small office with 2 men and 6 other women.  I usually start getting anxiety pangs the minute the Christmas party is announced.  They all start their chitter chatter about what they are wearing and how they will do their nails and hair.  Gag me!  They for the most part are all "I" personallities which drives me nutz.  They won't leave me alone and think I'm strange when I tell them I'm not getting my hair and nails done. Geeez its not Prom!(but I didn't do that then either). I just can't let myself get all worked up over them.  My boss has told be that he is considering making a separate office for me with a DOOR that I can shut.  He understands me thank goodness.  It is the type of office that the over 'bubbley' do come into good services, however, my roll as bookkeeper doesn't require a junior high giddy all the time.  Its not so much the Holiday,but just putting up with all the hoopla.  I would much rather have my boss give me a gift certificate to a nice resturant so my husband and I could enjoy a quiet meal ALONE.  Get me away from those people