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Why am I different from others? What is wrong with me?

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Posted 12/11/2005 8:36 PM (GMT 0)
All of my life growing up, I was always the last one picked.  Now as an adult I am always the one who is picked on, blamed ect.   I sometimes feel like the blacksheep of the family.  Noone listens to me.  For the most part it is just my dad and I here.  My sister is married and lives out of state but comes home fairly often.  We can all be in a group talking and I might say something and my dad takes his hand and moves it down as to say, quiet.  I feel that I can never please anyone.  I do have a group of 4 of us who do hang around together, but usually not all of us at the same time.  I am usually the one who initiates anything, although sometimes someone else will.  I want to know what is wrong with me?  Why can't I feel important sometimes.  This one friend in our little group is my best friend.  She is alot of fun to be around most of the time but sometimes she will say things when I am down, or somewhat ignor it.  She has this other friend who I have met.  She usually does not hang around with us but does sometimes.  Back in August I found out she pretty much hated me.  For what I don't know.  I did not like her much either but decided to take the high road and tell my friend to invite this friend with us.   After she was around me a few times I think she saw what type of person I really was.  I have always been nice to her.  A few weeks ago, one of her dogs died unexpectedly.  Being a huge dog lover, and after having gone thru the loss of my dog last Jan. I knew what all the sympathy cards that I got, meant to me so I got one and sent it to her.  She emailed me and thanked me and said she thought that was very nice of me to think of her at that time.  Well, it is getting close to New Years Eve.  One or two of my friends get together and go out and eat and then drive around looking at the lights.  That is what I planned on doing this year too.  Well, my friends friend is having a party which was fine with me, I didn't care.  Well last night I found out the other two girls in our group have been invited but I have not.  Now I have to sit home New Years Eve.  I am not a drinker at all and while I dont know for sure if I would have gone, it would have been nice to be invited.  I may have gone.  This is just another example of something being wrong with me because I have been left out.  The other 2 gals have told me they had not made up their mind, but I am not stupid.  They will most likely go but they don't want to hurt my feelings.  I have brought NYE up in emails with both of them but not asking them to do something, but I wonder if I should send them each an email and tell them its ok to go, just so they wont try to hide it so I dont feel bad. 

Chelsi

Posted 12/11/2005 9:14 PM (GMT 0)
No, do not send an email saying it's ok to go. If you send anything, send it to the girl who is having the party--and simply say--I heard you were having a party and didn't get an invitation. Then sign your name.

Part of life is calling out people who slight you--it's not always the best thing, but it's not a bad thing. Another part is negotiation. The email I sent opens a silent negotiation for the party giver. It puts her in the position of deciding privately what she will do about her prior decision. She may have been put in a spot where she made a bad decision, one she really don't want to make. So straightforward, gives her the oportunity to rethink it, without all the drama of friends talking to friends.

Another thing that could be going on is that the new person in the group is a b****. There are people like that and they get their way by intimidating and humiliating others do to their dirty work. They develop and feed a group mentality in others, because they are too chicken by themselves. Generally the person is self distructive to some degree, but good at not geting caught. They lead others, who do get caught, into self destructive behaviours.

You have been altogether too busy trying to find out what is wrong with you--watch what happens around you. Others are making mistakes. Others haven't got confidence. Others feel just like you do.

My son's basketball coach used to say, "You can please me, but you can never satisfy me." He intended for the boys to work harder and know they had to keep on working. Why not ask your dad if you "please him, but never satisfy him." You will probably find out the answer is yes.

bev
Posted 12/12/2005 10:31 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Chelsi,

Sending <<HUGS>>

Sorry to hear what you are going thorugh. I know I can relate to some of that.

Bev has some good points. and I agree you should not send an email saying it is ok to go.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Jeremy

Posted 12/19/2005 1:22 AM (GMT 0)

Well, I did not send either of the girls an email telling them it was ok to be open about going.  Last Monday I totally broke down as soon as I got home and just cried.  I was talking to my friend that has the friend having the party.  I told her I thought it was really rude of her friend.  I told her that if I am alone that night no telling what could happen.  My friend started crying on the phone too.  I ended up calling another friend that is not at all part of that group and she said she had no plans but did not plan to stay up til midnight.  We plan on going to dinner and a movie.  She has been known to have to back out of things at the last minute.  She has a daughter that has some medical problems and sometimes should not be left alone, even though she is an older teen.  Well, one of the friends came over Mon. night to go somewhere with me.  She told me after I told her my plans that she had planned to back out quietly and do something with me.  I told her to come with us but I dont know what she will do.  I did send an email to my friend and just spilled out everything that I was feeling.  It was a long email and she responded but did not address the email.  She read it at work and did not have time to respond and never has.  She did admit to me that this other friend specifically said she did not want me there.  I have told the other two friends how I felt but I am sure it won't make any difference.  I guess I should ask them early next year.  Sometimes I seriously think it would be better not to have any friends.  Then you can't get hurt.

Chelsi

Posted 12/19/2005 6:04 AM (GMT 0)
Hi...I'm from the CD forum, but used to frequent here alot in the past...anyways, I check in from time to time and just wanted to reply to your post...

From what you've written, the way I look at the situation (outside of the box) is it sounds like the majority of the people you know are kinda on the flakey side, so I don't think you're the problem so much as you think you are...I think it's more like, "what's wrong with them?" Not what's wrong with you.

You know, there's nothing worse then a phony and it just sounds like many of the peeps you know have more phony in them then anything, my opinion, I think they're flakey, so don't be so hard on yourself...sometimes we just get stuck with many of these types in our lives, it sucks but it's even worse when you start thinking the problem might be you, when to me (outside the box) I think it's them.

Just my 2 cents, take care and have a great new year regardless, go see a movie or something, you'll likely be in better company with yourself alone.
Posted 12/19/2005 8:04 AM (GMT 0)
I tried withdrawal. It doesn't work. Nope, you need to be in the stream of things and taking your knocks--just like the rest of us.

I agree with the poster above. Your friends aren't much--but for now they are your friends. There's no harm in looking around for better people. I would.

I was different too--always the last one picked, often laughed at, and to be truthful very envious of others. One in particular was beautiful. She wore beautiful clothes. What made it really terrible was that she was very nice too. When I was at the 30 year reunion, I mentioned to one of the girls how much I'd envied her clothes. They told me those were her mother's clothes. Her mother died when we were in 7th grade. The girl I envied was also dead--she died at 37 of the same thing that killed her mother. So the girl who's life seemed blessed a hundred times more than mine--wasn't. The girl with grace and beauty didn't have it all. Neither did I. Neither did any of us.

We are who we are. We can take that and do something with it. That's what maturity is about and knowing how to will come to you as you get older. So for the time being do like we all did--suffer through it--and mentally prepare for later--by liking yourself.

bev
Posted 12/19/2005 8:56 PM (GMT 0)
well said bev ...made me really sit back and think!!
Posted 12/20/2005 2:22 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

There is nothing wrong with you. I think you are very sensitive and caring and easily hurt ( hmm, sounds like me!!) Friendships are work and it takes 2 to create a healthy friendship. Wasting time on people who ultimately make you unhappy is not going to get you anywhere. You shouldn't have to worry about real friends talking about you or excluding you. Maybe concentrate on making new friends, shed those that bring you down. Take care of you and your needs. It's easier said than done, I know, but in the end, it's worth it.

Take care . . .

Sadsunshine
Posted 12/20/2005 3:39 AM (GMT 0)

Thanks for all your input.  I am going to do something that I really hate doing.  I am the one that started the Thursday night girls night out.  I look forward to it as at least I can be around people. Well tonite I got an email from one of my friends.  Another friend has said he wants to go out Thursday night to this one place.  I have not seen him since Aug. when a bunch of us went to his house to wish him Happy Birthday.  He has cancer and was going thru treatments so he could not be around people.  Well, I noticed on the email that this friend who sent the email invited the one person who did not want me at her house NYE.  I feel it is best to decline going.  It would be too uncomfortable for me.  You all are right, I need to make some new friends, but the ones I usually hang out with are good friends.  It is not their fault I did not get invited to NYE.  But since this other person is becoming friends with my friends, they will all be doing things together and the sooner I bow out the better.  I hope this makes sense.

Chelsi

Posted 12/20/2005 3:57 AM (GMT 0)
It makes sense, but it's not the best solution. You cannot build who you are by letting yourself get run off by others.

Another story: I didn't go to my oldest boys graduation from college, because my ex-husband said he wouldn't go if I did. My ex had seen him through college. It seemed like his presence was more important than mine--and I didn't want to be the cause of trouble. On the day of the graduation, my ex was hospitalized unexpectedly. No one let me know, so my boy graduated from college with neither of his parents there--in fact no one to cheer him on.

You have a friend in a precarious position--supporting him should be your only concern.

bev
Posted 12/21/2005 2:59 AM (GMT 0)
Life without friends is a very lonely place to be. Your friend with cancer asked YOU to go out and have fun. Don't let someone else keep you from that. If she doesn't like you, it is her problem, not yours. Don't stop your life for her...after all, she might not make it. You live your life for you, not others. While your out living yuou might just meet the bestest friend you could ever have.

Brenda
Posted 12/23/2005 11:51 PM (GMT 0)
I know how you feel, as I have been there many times myself. I decided to start looking elsewhere to feel needed and important, and that what I do matters, and that is to volunteer at the local animal sanctuary playing with a lonely and unloved animal looking for a home, and to volunteer at soup kitchen serving meals to the homeless. Somehow, doing this, puts life in perspective for me and makes catty or selfish friends and their behaviors less important to the quality of my life.
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