why is it so hard?

I remember feeling like that. And at times I would gladly have walked out on my husband and kids. I did pull the covers over my head and I was so mean if anyone bothered me, they soon learned to leave me alone. Saturdays became my sleep in day--and I slept in til late afternoon or evening.

I began getting things done after my ex was out of my life--but they were for survival and had to be done. Then about 3 years ago (3 years after he died), I began work on the biggest project ever--which took 2 years just for the first main-big step.

During the time I worked on it, I kept wondering about all the unfinished things, I'd left behind and why I was able to work steadily on the project. It took most of the two years to figured out that my husband couldn't stand me doing anything that gave me pleasure. I'd start something, when he figured out that I enjoyed it, he would come up with something he wanted done and would need my help. He didn't stop needing my help until I'd put away or tossed whatever I had been working on. Then he went off to do his things with his friends. I would get lonely again and would start something new. He reappeared and off we went through the same cycle.

I realize that is not quite what you are talking about, but I wrote it to point out how much we can be influenced by others. Yesterday when my daughter was here, she asked to borrow a three-prong grabber so she could get something out of her sink drain. Her boyfriend works on cars and should have one. She said he didn't. I thought, he won't take care of a drain--so she wants to--and he has the gall to complain she doesn't do enough around the house. She didn't get the tool. She, he, they can get one on their own, I'm not facilitating his laziness or her desire to do it all.

That paragraph is about boundaries. Think about what is getting laid on you to do, that rightly should be done by others!

bev

in my fiances defence.... i didnt give up what i wanted to for him directly... i did it for the milatry.... because they said we were moving which we didnt... and i do hate it.. i keep making sacrafces to see no result on the other end... and day after day and night after night i cry to sleep if i do sleep... and i blame hime ... but i know its his carreer.. it was there before we met and it will be for a long time to come......  

Right now i have my tanning which gives me the light that i need to get some energ in the day.. but because i am so fair skined with red hair i cant do it every day or ill be a lobster in dec...  ..

My man is trying so hard to deal but it seems he cant say anything to make me happy.. i turn on him... i am soo mean sometimes.... but he most love me he is still here.....

thank u  for the words of encorgment... and jusnt knowing im not aone helps.. i pray for all of f u and i wlill talk soon

If my post made you think I was blaming your husband, I wasn't. I'm talking about you setting boundaries, so you are doing a share and he is doing a share of the burdens, so both of you can enjoy the pleasures.

"because my kids or my man all need something more... i try and not be selfish and ask for something but alitle help.." Maybe it's time to ask for more. Back when I was growing up there was a movie about training your spouse, like you would train a dog. It was funny and a funny concept, but there was a good point in it. If you don't ask for something specific your partner (or dog) won't know what you want.

Start by asking hubby and kids to get a glass of water for you while they are up--then of course be appreciative. You will be surprised at how others change a little over something like that.

I just retired from civil service; I worked for the Navy. As the military family members know, military families have additional problems that are very specific to being in the military. Outsiders rarely understand--I know I didn't before I went to work at the base. The constant moving and starting over--getting used to new people, new base rules and regulations-- learning about the new schools in each new town--the separations--the worries. Then of course there is the constant change in the command leadership and along with it mood changes for your military spouse brings home.

There are also some MAJOR pluses. Medical care is right up there at the top. As long as you are reasonable with spending, you will never have to worry whether you can afford medicine or medical care for your children. You will never want for a house or paycheck. You can go to family services and the chapel, where people will understand your problems, because they've heard them all before. The command should have an ombsman--a woman or team that will help you learn your way around at new commands--and a welcome aboard package that also gives you information about the new base. You will be able to take advantage of more programs to help you family, than you can count--ask your husband to get the URL--you will be amazed. (If he can't find it, I will.)

In the end, there's a great retirement--which when combined with another job, will make you feel rich--and smart for having put up with all the negatives. And lastly, hopefully you will never need it, but your military spouse has a very healthy life insurance policy, that will take care of you and your kids, if need be.

Adjusting to the bad is a matter of learning. Benefiting from the good--well we should all be so lucky to have set ups like that.

bev

alert! My nasty humor is about to come out. The problems you are dealing with aren't coming from your feet, bottom, or right hand. So yes, they are ALL in your head.

Bet you don't find that very funny! Your mind is where all the fears, anxieties, depression, and discomfort come from. What's confusing is that is also where all the answers are--sometimes it's just plain hard to tell the two apart. Heck, most of the time!

You sound like one who plans ahead (and probably tries to avoid all problems), so giving up the control over where you will live and when you will go is hard for you. Sometimes the Navy kids (USA) had difficulty deciding which of their new station choices to take or whether or not to stay in--or lots of things like that. I used to ask them, how old are you? They would tell me. I'd ask who else is that old? They would tell me. I'd ask what they thought about this one or that one (of course I made sure I asked about an admirable person)? They would tell me.

Then I would tell them, you are the same age. You've had about the same experiences. Those experiences are all tucked away in your mind, exactly the way they are in xxx's. You have all the knowledge you need. You are every bit as competent to handle whatever you decide, just like they are.

We may have talked more, but that was the gist of it. It's the same for you. Your life has already given you all that you need. You have everything inside you, just like everyone else in your age bracket, to do whatever they can do. Yes, it may be harder, yes it may be bumpy, yes it may not go perfectly--but don't kid yourself, it's that way for every one of them.

If getting busy helps you, start decluttering and cleaning. If it doesn't watch tv. When worries pop in--just remember you are xx years old--and you can handle everything any one else your age can handle.

bev

28 is a good age--I call it the magic age--but it's often one of great upheaval for people who are working on getting better. I suspect it's an age where people, who haven't already, give up the fluff of parental training and get serious about what it takes to make their lives work for them.

In your case, it sounds like what will work for you in this new, challenging life style. On-line schooling is a good idea, but I would wait until you do move--otherwise the move might make a problem just as you start taking classes.

You may be thinking that being 28 means you have to hurry up and do schooling. It doesn't; it just means that you will have more experience to draw on for your classes.

Personally, I like the idea of being 28 and feeling like 58 (may have something to do with me being 62), but what I'm thinking is that it's a whole lot better that way around than being 28 and feeling like you are 14 and need to be taken care of. Too many people do that.

Why don't you try going to http://www.organizedhome.com/forums.html (I post there too under bevorg1). The forum is about getting households under control--and there are lots of good suggestions for managment. They talk about keeping notebooks and lots of stuff that may help you get a better handle on everything you have to do, so that fitting schooling in will be easier.

bev

I started going to that site about 2 years before I was to retire. My idea (backwards of what would have been smart) was that when I retired, any time I wasted on household things in retirement would take away from being having all my waking hours for me.

about a year before retirement, I turned this house upside down, decluttered, cleaned, and reoganized everything. It took the whole year and part of my retirement time. Now I sit around thinking how much smarter I would have been if I'd done it while I was working! Oh, well, live and learn.

Maybe you can learn from my mistake and use those night time hours to learn and plan how to make your household work for you.

bev

There is plenty of thinking and planning, which are quiet activities, and you can just spend your time reading and taking notes--or sorting and organizing small things. It's a great forum for motivating a person to make their homes work for, not against them. It's made a wonderful difference in how easy my housework and cooking are. I don't have kids, but if it had been there when I did, I'm sure I would have had a much easier life.

bev

Good for you. I presume they are your personal ones. That will make you feel better. Of course then you have to dust! Did you look up my posts? I got so sick of dusting my husband's that I put them on shelves and put clear plastic window film over them. Haven't had to dust them in a year! Of course none of mine are behind clear plastic, but they are mine and I love touching them while I dust. LOL

bev

No, I don't have (and don't want) instant messenger. Nasty robots would be able to "see" my computer if I had Instant Messenging. It opens channels into computers and does things in total secret, when they find open channels. Most of what they do isn't harmful--just add to your spam--but I have no desire to open myself to that or any other possiblity.

bev