very bad day

Hi bearstinylady,

I've been kinda where you are. A lot of problems. Many of mine are physical. I've had Crohn's Disease (a chronic incurable disease) most of my life, I had 5-way bypass surgery three years ago, and more.

I was thinking about your situation and found myself wondering what kept me going. I'm not sure. Somewhere mixed in is a feeling that at some point things would get better. And I guess when things went right for a short period of time, it was enough to get me through for a little while longer.

My dad when I was much younger said, "You're a long time dead, you might as well make the best of it while you're here." I guess that's what I've been trying to do.

I heard about 10 to 15 years ago a man say that "For things to change for someone they had to change." For whatever reason I took that to heart and looked for ways to change my choices or habits so just maybe things would get a little bit better.

That same man I mentioned above also said, "You can't change destination over night, but you can change direction." I've been trying to change direction from time to time so I could get to a better destination. Will it happen? I don't know. I just keep trying.

I don't know if any of the above helps in any way. I hope so.

Wishing for things to get better for you.

Ed

Sadly, that's life. Happily, that's life. Life is troublesome and never what we want or expect.

You listed two problems--one a household run amuck and two your personal distress. Let's start with the household. It divides into

getting kids up
a child's demand for attention (twice)
clean up of coffee mess
a weeks worth of housework
shopping for brownie stuff
dinner and baking

Of all that, the ONLY thing that should not be shorted is the child's demand for attention. Odds are that's exactly why you yelled at her instead of about the rest of the events. People do that. Now I could tell you get after the house and the rest, but I'm not going to. The first thing to get after is the child's needs. Last night she did not "need" a special supper--unless she never gets what she wants. Your "keep the peace" attempts didn't work, did they? They backfired--making both her and the fiance more needy toward you. I tried that crap of not getting between my husband (when he was my boyfriend) and my daughter--and had exactly the kinds of outcomes you did.

My solution was to tell him, that unless he was teaching her something new, like how to fish, how to use a screwdriver, or how to ride a bike--all final decisions about her would be mine. That meant that if he was teaching her to fish, he decided how he was going to go about it and I wouldn't interfere.  If she wanted McD's, it was my decision.  If he didn't like my choices, he could talk to me when she wasn't around and I'd consider his advice, but in the end, how she was to be raised was up to me.

Well, from then on, I often heard how I was ruining her--my answer was, at least if I have I won't be wondering if it was me or you who did it. He often compared her to his "perfect" neice, who unbeknownst to him was far from perfect--running around at 12 and in alcohol rehab by 14. His family did not tell him, and I told my daughter we would not either--telling his was his sister's responsiblities not ours. It was hard for my daughter, but not harmful--since she clearly knew he was wrong.

So that's the important part, but what of the rest of the housework. I used to have to make the last minute runs to the store for things I didn't have on hand. So you simply have to buckle down and do it or disappoint your daughter and her classmates. That's a no brainer. Hard, yes, but a no brainer. While there, pick up tv dinners for tonight and tomorrow. If fiance doesn't like it, tell him tough, unless he wants to run to the store and cook. You are taking care of other things right now.

You said in your other post that you need some shelves, but will have to wait for christmas money. That's something to put on your needs list. Now look around the house--and see how many other needs you have. How much of that weeks worth of housework is because you don't have adequate storage--I'll bet a bunch. A good poster on the organized home forum, says storage pieces should be not be more than 80% full--and that does make life a hundred times easier. So now instead of cleaning today, begin pitching the unnecessary.

Think about clothes. I fought against tossing clothes, because I'd get behind on laundry and need those extras. Then I'd have big laundry days.  There was so much, I never got it all put away--instant clutter.  Now I have so few things, that I do a few loads a week. I have no choice but to wash that often--and I put it all away in my storage that is only 80% full--it's easy.

Tomorrow, after pitching some of every mess in the house, is soon enough to worry about cleaning.

Now to your personal distress. Skipping you not wanting to leave the house, the rest seems to be about interpersonal interpersonal relationships. I really think that what is happening is that your daughter and fiance are doing passive agression--so taking command of your child's rearing in the way I suggested or some other way--will end hers. The spilled coffee and letting the kids sleep in sounds like his is about the house and child rearing responsibilities. You also sound like passive agression, but turned on yourself instead of loved ones.

This is almost certainly a manageable and fixable situation, but sadly for you the fix begins with you. Try the things I suggested. Get rid of somethings so the messes are visibly smaller. Don't tell yourself--he hates TV dinners--just get them and serve them. Combined, those are a loud and clear message to him that you won't "take it anymore." If he wants better he can pitch in without the passive agression.

Spend some time with your daughter before and after dinner. You could have the brownies ready and have her put frosting on them. Have her help you carry silverware and set the table--you can show her the right way to do it. Look at her room with her and see if she wants to donate some toys or clothes for a christmas drive.

It may have taken a while to write this and it may seem too much, but it's about being on top of your household--not smothering under it. If you can't do it all today, do what seems important and call it good.

I hope this helps.

bev

Post Edited (bevhea) : 12/13/2005 7:34:17 PM (GMT-7)

I found myself in your situation for 13 years. Gawd it was so hard, I was working a full time job and then a part time on the weekends as my ex husband could not keep a job.
His last one he lost,he decided to go back to school. Hey that's great! Except for me coming home everyday to find him sitting in his underwear in the kitchen (gawd that image makes my stomach twirl! ) and "studing" the house a mess,kids running around with no clothes on and me just finally freaking out.
I think that alot of men just think of the house and the kids and a woman's job. And they are so used to everything getting done by you they take it for granted. When you are overwhelmed it's time to put your foot down and say enough is enough
Your kids would not be better off without you,that's the first thought you need to erase from your mind. Remember the special bond that kid's have with their mothers? They would be devasted without you.
There is light at the end of the tunnel with the kids. They get older and soon are able to do things on their own. You will always have to "ride" them to help you get things done,but it's so nice when they can just dust,or carry the laundry downstairs,or better yet put a load in!
You have to learn to look out for yourself. I don't want to say you can't depend on your man,but it all comes down to yourself. Maybe make a plan,list chores for everyone in the household Including your man! He's able to put a load of laundry in just like you. If you think your family is going to whine about it,the list could just magically appear on the fridge,with a list of what you get for doing the chores and see what he does then.
Even if it just works for a week before they all start griping and you just give up.That's a week of help.