I can't move forward

I wrote my first and only post about 8 months ago. Today I wrote this:

There is a lot of pain in being human. We accept it, we know it’s there, we move forward despite the pain. I don’t think I am part of the “we” because I can’t move forward. I am different, I see that at the end of all this pain is darkness, and loneliness, so what is the point of wading through it? To get to the same place faster? All I can see in life is the darkness in other people, the loss, the loneliness, the dread, the worry, the monotony. I don’t want that anymore. I wish you could see a preview of what is to come, and decide if it’s worth it. I don’t think mine will be.

All I see ahead is loss and more of the same. Grandparents dying, parents dying, loss of love. All I see ahead of me is loneliness and boredom. I feel loneliness in waking up, I feel loneliness going to work, I feel loneliness at home, I feel loneliness going to bed. I feel monotony every day, I feel a lack of caring and disconnectedness about my job. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t know how to feel excited about work, I can’t imagine feeling excited about work. I can’t imagine there is anything out there that will make me happy, fulfilled. I could go home but I will just feel the same , and the same things will lie ahead.

Right now I hate being around people, and I also hate being alone. I hate having to listen, to make conversation, to be around people who are happy, to have to grapple with what I don’t see that they do. I hate being in my head, I hate having to fill the seconds, minutes hours when I am alone. So where does that leave me?

My family and friends say they are there for me, but I don’t know how to have them be there for me. They can’t be there every second, every agonizing second of being me. They have their own lives, their own goals, their own paths. My pain is not theirs, they cannot and will not understand. I don’t know what help would help, and I don’t know that they understand the degree to which that help is needed, that help is needed every second of the day. I believe if they understood that their offer would not stand.

I’m not trusting in people, I don’t trust they will be there, or want to be there. Someone who supposedly loved me just told me they are happier without me. I believe that only in time will other people realize they feel the same way. I can’t understand the concept of “falling out of love” but I now know it’s a thing, it can happen. And I don’t want any piece of that. I don’t want this. I don’t want to live every day waiting for that to happen.

My relationship didn’t break me, I was broken before that. I lacked direction, I lacked happiness, I lacked energy. But my relationship gave me optimism, it was the first time I felt loved by someone other than my family. I loved it, I craved it, I needed it. And I don’t have that any more, and now I remember what everyday life is like, with the addition of the feeling of loss. Everyday life was unpleasant, that with the loss is too much. It’s too much.

I tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of feeling hurt. I tired of feeling too hot on hot days and too cold on cold ones. I’m tired of seeing this shimmer of sadness around ordinary things, roads, trees, offices, people.

You said:

"Someone who supposedly loved me just told me they are happier without me."

This seems to me to be at the core of what is going on. Everything else may radiate from that, it appears to me.

I know you also said, "My relationship didn’t break me, I was broken before that."

You then say, "I lacked direction, I lacked happiness, I lacked energy. But my relationship gave me optimism, it was the first time I felt loved by someone other than my family. I loved it, I craved it, I needed it. And I don’t have that any more, and now I remember what everyday life is like, with the addition of the feeling of loss. Everyday life was unpleasant, that with the loss is too much. It’s too much."

The first part of that sounds like the description of love, and the second part seems to be a description of depression. The adrenalin of love got you out of depression, then with the withdrawal of the adrenalin you went back into depression, is my thinking.

Everything looks bleak. That's a pretty good description of depression. I've had it, so I know what that is, also.

As a bipolar, I'm taking Lithium, which brings down the mania and lifts the depression. I'm also taking an anti-depressant, Mirtazapine.

Without those, I look at the world as bleakly as you do. The only difference between you and me is I'm taking those meds and you're not. That's my view.

Have you ever seen a psychiatrist? One of the problems is that you are both the patient and the caregiver, which makes this a very tough situation. As the patient, you don't feel like doing anything. You're sick. As the caregiver, you're also sick and it makes it difficult for you to do anything.

Years ago, I was depressed (I was also negative and wasn't use to taking care of myself). I didn't lose a love, I lost my job, which also took me out of social contact, and all of that threw me into depression.

I knew I needed to see a psychiatrist, but living alone, out on my own by only 5 years or so, and not use to taking care of myself as the youngest child, and also as a negative person, I just went in circles for 3 weeks. ("But which psychiatrist should I get? I don't know," as in going in circles.

Because of not getting treated for the depression, I had a nervous breakdown.

I think you should at least get an evaluation. You don't have to take any medicine.

I remember feeling the way you describe. I still have bouts of it. When it started, I was put on medication which helped me. It 'lightened the load' so that my 'vision' could clear up a bit.

I was basically a zombie. Going through the motions of life while others were actually living it. A terrible place to be.

The medication 'kept me alive' long enough to sort things out.

There is a saying that helped me..."Whatever is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, excellent, worth of praise, let your mind dwell on these things." I had to start small. Was the sun shining? Did I enjoy it's warmth? I would 'dwell' on that. When my mind started down a negative path, I would remind myself to just enjoy the warm sun and if the sun had set I would just remind myself of the experience of having had enjoyed it. That might have been the only thing I could connect with that day, but the next day I might have 2 things, then 3. Capture that moment, use it. It could be anything...that first sip of coffee in the morning...a good parking space at the mall...my dog licking my hand in gratitude...someone holding a door for me. It only takes one thing.

Oppression can lead to depression. Take a walk. Clean out a closet. Make the bed. Clean the windows. open the curtains. Put some music on. Today, my kids can figure out what mood I'm in by what music I'm listening to!

Little silly things help. A stuffed animal...a keychain with a funny saying on it...a refrigerator magnet...a special glass or a new coffee mug. Treat yourself the way you'd want someone else to treat you.

You ARE loveable. You ARE worth it.

I just want to say, I get it. You wrote it so beautifully yet so painfully. Sometimes it can get tiring hearing about being positive all the time when you just don't feel that way and what you should do etc, I feel like, sometimes there's nothing to say except I know life sucks right now and it's understandable to feel this way. Why do we have to constantly fight to feel positive, maybe the world just isn't that great.

I don't think it is, I think we can have wonderful magical times in our life but generally speaking what are we all doing here anyway.

Relationship wise, I was the same, I was depressed before then in love and when that was gone life was meaningless and depression my old friend was back again. Life goes on. We do our best, we do what we can, that's all we can do really. You won't feel this way forever and I'm sure you will have some lovely times ahead but just wanted to say, I get you and how you're feeling and I totally agree. Go slowly if you must, and I hope you can push forward and see the light that will be there sometimes in life. Maybe you can think about what makes you feel alive, what are your passions, hobbies and even if you don't feel like any of it, maybe you could try just see where it takes you. But other than that, life is life and I sympathise with your heartbreak and feeling of despair. Wishing you all the best xo

Post Edited (AutumnEvangeline) : 5/25/2017 3:27:40 PM (GMT-6)

You're right getting by, I read what I wrote and I did sound abit negative, We do all get it, and were here to get each other through. I guess Ive been feeling like giving up hope lately, although i have always been positive through my 12 years with depression. It's only been lately I've felt like what's the point! it's just one problem after another and it's just so exhausting, I guess I'm having a rest for now and maybe that's what you should do Rosepose24, be gentle to yourself and rest if you must but don't give up hope if you can. Xo

Post Edited (AutumnEvangeline) : 5/25/2017 4:23:11 PM (GMT-6)