Advice Needed - Depressed boyfriend broke up with me

Hi I'm new to this forum so please bear with me if this is a super long post but I'm looking for some advice! about 6 weeks ago, my boyfriend suddenly turned to me one evening and said he wanted a break because he was feeling really sad and in his words 'dead inside'. He said he needed some time apart to figure things out and 'find himself again'.

For a few weeks or even months leading up to the break, I guess I noticed some small changes - he seemed down, perhaps didn't ring me as often and was getting easily stressed about a few things but again this seemingly didn't affect how he was ultimately acting with me which made him asking for a break a real shock.

I gave him 2 weeks no contact and then initiated a meeting to exchange our things. At the time I didn't really understand what he might be going through so I hoped this would perhaps jog his senses into thinking he might lose me. It didn't really pan out like that.

We met up and had a chat - he mostly struggled to articulate what he was feeling, he basically told me that he felt flat, depressed and repeated dead inside. He said he was even struggling to hang out with big groups of his friends and it was only one on one's that he could handle.
With regards to us, he said he hadn't felt in the relationship for a while - he didn't feel like a boyfriend and the pressure of a relationship was stressing him out. He felt he needed time to feel like him again and that I deserved better.

I protested a lot and told him how could have I seen this coming - a few days before the break we had gone out one night and were all over each other, we had recently gone to the beach together, he held my hand whenever we went to sleep, he had recently told me I was the shining light in his life! To which he told me he only did or said all of those things just to make me happy but I refuse to believe it was all a lie

This all happened at the beginning of April. Since then we've had very little contact - he wished me happy birthday but that is it. I've sent him 2 sporadic texts since saying that I'm there for him, that I love and care for him and won't abandon him. I told him he doesn't need to respond and i'll give him the space and the time he needs but that I'm here. He didn't respond to either.

Yesterday was his birthday - I sent him a simple happy birthday text but no response. I foolishly had a weak moment and looked at his facebook and instagram account and he looks happy with his friends. Normal like. I also got the hint from one post that he was joining lots of dating apps but I'm not sure. One of his best friends posted on his wall a few weeks ago saying I still love you. I'm probably reading way too much into that but does he think I've stopped?

At this point I'm not sure what to do and thats where I would like some advice? I thought maybe just checking in with him every now and again to say i'm here etc might help but I don't know if its even getting through to him - if he cares!

I know people with depression push their closest ones away and hide behind social media and act fine with their friends. I want to talk to him but I don't want to put pressure on him. He's also got a couple more of my things - when i mentioned it before, he just said oh well I'll see you again so you'll get it back!

I don't know whether i'm grasping at straws hoping that it was the depression making him act like this and maybe we'll be ok in the future but I just don't know what to do anymore! Its so hard without him as we were so close.

Please let me know if you have any advice. Thankyou!

Welcome to the forum.

I believe you have answered your own question.

Whatever the reason, the relationship was not working for him.

Be kind to yourself and move on. Do not give away your mental health/happieness to someone who does not care.

Peace
Trina

Hi.
I'm going through something similar and have done a few times with different men but have never found the answer to what we should do in this situation.

My last 2 relationships ended because of depression and I spent months trying to save them until I felt I was fighting a losing battle. I have learnt to try and separate the depression from the person and try not to take it personally but its so hard. Everything seems like a dilemma of wanting them to know your there and not wanting to push them further away.

I met my boyfriend 2 months ago and we fell in love straight away. He told me he had been diagnosed with depression and was on anti depressants and I accepted that. We moved in together and things were great. A couple of weeks ago he told me he had not taken his anti depressants for a month. This worried me but didn't want to push it. One night after trying to give up smoking and being tired I got a little moody and I sensed that he didn't care which to me seemed out of character. I tried to tell him how I felt and make up with him but he just started throwing insults at me telling me I wasn't acting normal. He kept saying I had flipped which confused me as I hadn't, just got a little upset. We eventually made up and went to sleep. In the middle of the night I felt him turn over and wrap his arms around me and pull me closer. I kissed him goodbye in the morning and left for work as normal. He text me later that morning asking how I was. I said ok but still worried about last night. He said forget about it don't worry. I did still worry but went on to talk about what we were having for dinner and he agreed. Later that day he text saying to tell him when I was finished work. I text him to say I was on my last job and he text back saying that last night frightened him and that he had moved back to his old place. He said he didn't want to split up. I tried talking to him but he started to ignore me. I spotted that this was depression as I've been in this situation before so I just tried letting him know I was still there but he then blocked me on WhatsApp. We are still friends on Facebook and I post things occasionally so he can still see I'm still here for him. The other night I saw he had unblocked me on WhatsApp but hadn't sent a message. I sent one that simply said Hello. x. He viewed the message but did not reply. That was 2 days ago so I sent him a message this morning which said you may not want to talk to me or may not know what to say but I cant stop thinking about you and it would be good to know how you are. x. He blocked me again. This upset me at first but then I realised that this is the depression. The fact he unblocked me before shows that he thinks about me and misses me.


I have lost 2 relationships to depression and I sure as hell am not going to let it win again. I don't have all the answers but I am learning. No one can say how this will pan out for you or me. Yes you have to be prepared for the possibility that it may not turn out the way you want but if its really what you want then you have to have hope.

Sorry for the long reply but I hope it helped. It helps to know I'm not the only one going through this. X

Post Edited (Bella1979) : 5/22/2017 4:30:02 AM (GMT-6)

It's easy for people to say think about yourself and to do things for you but it's not that easy, however I know that it doesn't help them to see you hurting so I do agree that we should get on with living our lives but be open to being there when they need us. When he first left I noticed he was on social media constantly and had befriended a few new young women, I choose not to let that get to me and saw that as the depression. I've noticed the last few days he's not been on Facebook as much. The hardest thing is wondering what they are up to and you start to imagine alsorts. I am preparing myself for the prospect of him trying dating again. I know that will hurt but I want to try and overcome that. I believe that things happen for a reason and if it's meant to be it will be. Maybe he will try dating and find someone to make him happy or maybe it will give him the kick up the butt he needs and he will come back to me but I refuse to sit here waiting like a lemon whilst he does that. The door is wide open for him for now but I can't put my life on hold for him.

I made my own thread with my first reply to you and someone with depression told me I should leave him alone and respect that he wants to be left alone and that I couldn't force him to be with me. I felt a bit attacked and could not get them to see that I was respecting his need for space and in no way was I forcing him to be with me. Some people want to be left alone and some push people away to see who will come after them. I know that it helps them to know your still there but it's best not to seem desperate to them. I think if you make them feel like your happiness is tied to them then it puts too much pressure on them and causes setbacks. I think the best thing to do is live our own lives and be open to new possibilities but to keep the door open with no pressure to come through it but show that you wouldn't mind if they did. Each time I've dealt with this I have seen it like trying to get a stray cat to come in. If you try and grab the cat it will scurry away but if you leave the door open and allow the cat to watch as you get on with your life and it can see that you are no harm it will eventually start to trust you and gradually move closer and it's easy to assume that with each step it takes that it trusts you so you assume it will let you stroke it but the cat does not fully trust you so again scurries away and your back to square one. The best thing to do as the cat moves closer and closer is to carry on as you were with the occasional smile to let them know it's ok to come closer and when it gets closer gradually go from extending out your hand at first so that it can be sure of you and it may let you gently stroke it and eventually will let you give it a proper stroke and it will learn to love you. Sorry if this sounds like gobbledegook but I'm quite a deep thinker and sometimes explaining things differently can give a different perspective.

One big thing I have always found is people make you feel like your stupid for wanting to be with someone who has done such terrible things. They can't see the depression and just see a bad person my antidote for this is to stay true to what I believe. I listen to their advice but it doesn't mean I have to take it. The most important thing is to make sure you want to leave that door open and the reasons why and that you understand that the stray cat will always be a stray cat and may wander again. It's also really helpful to do as much research as you can into depression and I've found it helpful today talking in a chat room to some people with depression as it gives a good perspective from the depressed persons side of things instead of always having to assume.

I hope things turn out for you and one thing I notice when people post in forums is that they don't post an update so your left wondering is that cos it all went wrong or all went right but I will try and keep you updated. X

Bella..... I didn't say you should leave him alone. I was trying to get you to realize that people with depression don't want to be pushed into a corner. Don't want to be pursued. They just want to get better and there are times that they want to be alone. You wanted advice, but you don't want to accept it.

Yes I have depression but with hard work I have held it at bay. I am in a remission but it took years. I have told you it can take years to a lifetime to get better. Put yourself in his shoes. You say you understand depression but I don't think you do.

Hi Bella1979

I agree with what you are saying. Despite it being very hard to get on with things, i think you're right when you say it doesn't help the depressed ex to know/see that you're broken about it - might make them feel worse or guilty. When my bf broke up with me, he said 'don't think i'm going to looking for women etc' and I believed him at the time but now who knows. I don't really know what made him say it but i also have to prepare for the fact he might start dating again - otherwise my imagination goes crazy. As you say, maybe it will be temporary or they will see that things aren't better away from us.

I know what you mean when you say other people make you feel stupid for still believing in them. For now I am following my gut on this one as I know there's more going on than just a breakup. I have done a bit of research into it and I've joined a forum. I haven't spoken to anyone who is going through depression however - are there any chat rooms that you recommend?

I also understand your cat analogy I think you're right again - its such a thin line between letting them know we're there without pushing them away. The messages that I've sent so far are just saying I won't abandon you, theres no pressure to respond but just know i'm here for you. I'll keep them sporadic - every couple of weeks or so? and keep them short making sure he knows he doesn't need to respond. I will make sure there is very little emotion or expectation in them

I hope things turn out all right for you too and I agree about the updates. I will try and keep you updated as well if it helps at all x

Ugh, the generalizations, they burn.

Bella1979, I'm a male who has been dealing with depression for more years than I can remember; I think that makes me a fully fledged member of the 'they' and 'them' references sprinkled so liberally amongst your sentences. If I may, I'd like to speak for my tribe a moment.

We are honestly the same as you. If we leave a relationship it's because it isn't working for us. Period. As much as it's convenient to blame our sorry affliction, believe it or not, we still have remarkably intact cognitive skills. Thank you for being polite and continuing to encourage us. You should know though, that in most cases, all you're doing is reminding us how crappy we feel.

If you really want us to respond positively to your après-relationship missives, I suggest the following: "Yo Dude. Take all the time and space you need. I'm willing to try it again in the future if you are. If not, take care of yourself."

Full stop.

I know it's tough to deal with people from my tribe because we don't fight fair. In fact when we're depressed we would rather jump off a bridge than argue with someone. And there is absolutely no way that you, or anyone else is going to Florence Nightingale us into remission. WE own that. No one else does.

Bella1979, you seem like a nice, caring person. I'm sorry your relationship broke up, but please don't blame your BF's depression, instead just blame your BF. My tribe is stigmatized so much already, the last thing we need is to be excoriated for the world's failed relationships.

Be well, Bella.

F27 the fact you suffer from depression does not make you an expert and if you think it's always circumstances that can cause an episode then perhaps you don't know anymore than I do. It can be due to injury, or hormonal imbalance amongst other things. It is not always the relationships fault although it's often blamed. The feelings of worthlessness and paranoia magnify things that often aren't even there.

Deep down I am in a lot of pain but I'm trying to remain strong thankyou Tim tam for noticing that. Here's me trying to be supportive of people with and without depression and what you have offered is an attack. Maybe it's because you have this view F27 that you suffer from depression as, that your just happy to be as you are rather than learn and grow from it. Depression can affect us all and I should know as I have suffered in the past however I choose to take control of my own head and didn't just let it become who I am. As for picking at the point I used they and them I was referring to my boyfriend and the original posters boyfriend.

Tim tam I am just getting on with my life and trying not to come to any conclusions, I suppose innocent until proven guilty or perhaps I will never know but as much as I love him I can't let it eat me up. This is also been a time of personal growth for me. Thankyou for your reply. X

I found this article helpful and comforting.

Whether you want to hear it or not, the truth is he’s just not ready yet.

It has absolutely nothing to do with you, other than that you happened to be the one who has fallen in love with a man who still has mountains he wants to conquer before he thinks he’s ready to love you back.

You haven’t done anything wrong.

It wasn’t that you exposed too much of your heart, or that you kissed him too sweetly.

You didn’t even scare him off, or ask for too much.

My dear, the hardest thing to hear is that it’s not you at all.

It’s him.

Love-readiness comes at different rates for men and women.

Women are taught to follow the call of their hearts and that the rest will work out later; men are taught to be stable providers for the families that they hope to someday have.

It’s this ingrained thinking that we’ve internalized over this lifetime and taken on the burden and responsibility for. The thing is that it won’t do any good trying to change him—or his mind—about such matters.

The only choice you have to make is if you’re going to love him and stick with him until he’s ready.

It’s easy to say if he truly wanted you, he would be with you now. But we know that matters of the heart are seldom easy.

Sometimes, we have to look at the reasons why he’s not ready—not from a place of our own wants or egos, but on his level, and in appreciation and admiration for the man that he is.

That means if he doesn’t think he’s ready, then you have to support him if you truly love him.

Those who say that women should never wait around for a man have never really met a man worth waiting for.

I know you understand this, and perhaps your eyes started stinging with tears as you read a truth that you haven’t wanted to speak aloud.

The reality is that sometimes someone comes along and is so special and different that we fall in love without meaning to, maybe before either of us were ready—but if he is worth loving, then he is also worth waiting for.

There are no guarantees in this life, but if you find yourself having tried to move on from this man or rationalize why you shouldn’t wait for him by making light of his best qualities, then perhaps it’s time to finally admit that maybe the only thing you can do now is simply wait.

But remember this—waiting doesn’t mean locking yourself away like Rapunzel in a tower high away from the world and everyone else. Waiting only means you should dedicate yourself to your life and growth as much as he is currently doing.

Match his efforts in your own life—because darling, you’re not going to be ready for him unless you do just that.

It’s sometimes easier to see a break between chapters as the end of the story because who really wants to wait for what it is we most want. When it comes to matters of the heart, we usually want it right now. There is also truth to the statement that those things worth having the most are also worth the wait.

There is something so magnetizing about a man who wants to be better, and do better. He’s a man who wants to grow so that he will be your match when he finally steps toward you.

Stop thinking that just because he’s not next to you as you fall asleep that you’re not on his mind, because most likely you are.

Don’t speculate when you send a message or call and there’s no response that it means he’s not interested, because whether you receive a reply or not, he’s heard you and he’s taking it all in.

As women, we sometimes censor ourselves based on what we think a man can handle, or what we think he wants from us—yet, this is not how we find ourselves in love.

In order to be true to ourselves, that means we have to lead with our hearts.

We have to say those things that are on our minds, even if at times they seem impossible to speak.

We have to honor what our heart feels, even if that means we are alone right now.

There is a big difference between a man that isn’t interested—and one who is just simply not ready.

The biggest mistake you can make is to try and replace him, thinking that the attention from just anyone will fill that hole you have in your heart that is waiting for him. It’s not a matter of if you can find someone else, but whether you trust yourself enough to wait on what you know you feel.

To wait is never an easy decision, and it’s one that has to be continually made because at times it seems it would be so much easier to just try and forget about this man who stole your heart—but easy doesn’t always means it’s the right choice.

The more you honor yourself, the more you honor your choices about your heart and who you love.

Maybe he’s never exactly asked you to wait—but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t make him sick to think of another man holding you close and kissing you.

You do have a choice though, you always have a choice.

Sometimes it really comes down to whether you love him enough to wait—because he cares for you enough to want to be the best man that he can be when he finally shows you his heart.

It may not be easy, and a happy ending is not guaranteed.

If you do truly love him—then how could you ever be with anyone else anyway?

“Love cannot be measured by how long you wait; it’s about how well you understand why you’re waiting.” ~ Unknown

~

Nah, F27 was spot on with his first post in my opinion. I'm not male, but I've certainly been around enough depressed males to know what arseholes they're capable of being. Sometimes it's the depression, but most of the time it's just because they're arseholes. I think some women fall for the myth they can change 'their' man; such women are doomed to be permanently disappointed.

You also cannot make somebody love you who doesn't love you back, no matter how you behave or how long you wait.

My advice would be to go with your gut instincts in situations where you are not sure how the other person feels. It's not infallible, but if the other person won't be honest with us (a bad sign in itself) it's all we've got to go on. Looking back, I'd say my gut instincts about people have been correct far more often than they have been wrong. If you sense you're being made a fool of, led up the garden path, etc., then - unless you're an obsessively jealous sort - there's a good chance you are right.

So Bnotafraid are you saying that I cannot post in this forum as I am not the depressed. So even though depression has touched my life through myself and many other people that as I am not currently the depressed person I have no right to pass on my knowledge of depression. I posted in support of the original poster who is in the same predicament as me. As for saying it's drama, it's my story. So you are 56, have I stated my age? I could be older or could be younger even so it does not mean your right. I think I've learnt enough to see the mental illness here. Strange you say I'm allowing someone who's not interested in me control my feelings, where have I said that? I'm sure I advised that the original poster should get on with her life. Leaving the door open is an act of kindness to a soul who fears everyone will slam it in his face. It's his decision whether he chooses to do the work on himself and walk back through it. I meanwhile am choosing to get on with my life.

Also looking at your list at the end of your comments I see you suffer from cluster headaches, depression and Reynards. My ex from last year suffers from the same. I did some research and found a link with mineral and nutrient deficiency but it couldn't be that could it, it must have been the loving relationship he was in.