33 Year old depressed and confused about choices

Hi, I'm new and found the site by googling 30something depression.

My main issue is feeling, for the first time in my life, that I'm too old for certain opportunities, and my innocent, naive youth is behind me. I understand to someone decades older, 33 is very young, but all things are relative. And there's no denying the fact that a 21 year old has more on the horizon. Recently I've been mourning my 20s.

My 20s was filled with exciting experiences and lots of world travel. Now, I'm in 30s my priorities have shifted and it feels like all my experiences don't amount to anything because I don't have a career I love, a family of my own, nor do I have many close friendships (because of all the moving around). I lived a bohemian life in my 20s and now that I'm older and would like to settle down, it seems I didn't play my cards right.

More troubling is the realization that I am probably commitment phobic and have trouble connecting with people, which may be the reason I spent my 20s moving from town to town instead of working a steady job, going to housewarmings and weddings, and building relationships like a "normal" person. I was always happy to have an independent and adventurous spirit, but now at 30something I just feel lost, and pathetic.

I know what many of you may say -- start now to build the life I want. And I have, but it doesn't make the feeling that all my choices in my 20s were wrong, go away. It's too late to go to all the weddings I missed and make the friendships I didn't build. Most close social circles and friendships are established in your 20s. Now people my age are focusing on their families/spouses. Sometimes, there's just no making up for lost time.

It doesn't help that I've moved very far from family in order to get my graduate degree. I'm isolated. And stress from school is enormous. I've become increasingly depressed and don't know if I should drop out and go home, or what I should do. I feel too despondent to make a good decision, especially now that I feel the last decade of decisions were shortsighted. It's all spiraling into many negative thoughts … I'm really down on myself, unable to feel happiness, and anxious.

Sorry for the long post. I'm hoping some folks my age or older can offer words of advice, personal stories, etc.

Thank you for reading.

Post Edited (Laurie79) : 2/2/2014 9:30:56 PM (GMT-7)

Hello ladies!

I am 28yrs old. So I will share my life motto even though I am younger.

I have never had regretted my past and here is why...... I made my choices right or wrong and they have all lead me to the moment I am in for a reason.

I have an 8 year old son, I am twice divorced and very happily single.

I am bipolar, I have anxiety that does keep me in bed for days or weeks at a time and I am happy for one reason, the choices I made have brought me pain, sorrow and the best happiness I have ever felt in my life. I would never ever change my past.

The past is the past and that is where it needs to stay! Look forward and never forget the fun, that is why it is the past, lessons and time to live. Now you live for today. You will have the family and wedding and all of that, just be you.

The past is gone. The future is not set in stone. And the present is all you have.

I am 45. In my twenties, I was married, working, and doing my art.

In my thirties, I was divorced, dating again, being an academic in a demanding field.

In my 40s, so far, I was an assistant professor until I quit to start over. Now I am substitute teaching, battling various illnesses including depression, and studying for the teaching certifications.

Each step along each decade was very interesting. The only thing I regret is my student loans.

Perhaps the chronic illnesses makes me more reflective? After all, if I let comparisons with my peers get in my head, i would never get out of bed.

Start overs are common. So is wanting someone else's life. But remember, all choices have good and bad attached to them. If you had kids and a mortgage, it is substantially harder to make another choice.

So is figuring out what you want now, and working to make it happen. Sometimes, being sad is a way of moving towards a different choice. So, own your introspection, buddy.

You have to ask yourself what you want and really think about it. Do you have anybody professional that you can talk to about your career or what you would like to do with your life.

I had a lot of questions when I was young. But I learned to take life one day at a time. Kind of go with the flow of things. It is a lot easier, but I know with your age and the way that you are thinking you have so many questions. Maybe you need to talk to somebody of faith...

I know how it feels to wonder so much. But I think you are thinking too much. Slow your mind down with meditation. You will then know what you want to do.

Hugs, Karen...

Hello Laurie79 .....

   "Most close social circles and friendships are established in your 20's"!

   I have two daughters - and each having taken a very different course in life.

   My youngest is 28 and has worked her head off for both her education and for her moving up in the career world. She has done a great job in NOT burning bridges with people in her lifetime. In her case, her best friend still goes back to grade school. Her next best friend goes to when she was working on either her B.A. degree or M.A. degree. She and her BF will be moving 1000-miles away soon ... and I know she will be making many new friends when she's in her 30's!

   My oldest daughter is 37 and she started a family at a pretty young age. She stopped with an A.A. degree. She has no friends from that part of her life. Her two closest old friends are from high school - and she hardly sees them at all anymore. The great majority of friends have been thru her kids in one way or the other (school, girlscouts, etc.) - and not many from her 20's!

   We all have a different course in life. That is how it should be because none of us are carbon copies of someone elses pressummed life.

   We all are ... a sum of our experiences! It has a lot to do with what makes us all at least a little interesting - and being individuals.

   I can imagine .... right now .... there are a few people who have read your story - and who are kind of envious of what you did with your 20's!

   Please ..... don't question what you did or didn't do (within reason) at any point in time of your life. Try to build on it. A talk therapist could be of great help to you in going back in time for your "difficulty in connecting with people" ..... and how it could or should relate to you today.

   You're a bright young lady (forgive that term if it bothers you) - and you might find some of the people here may have started their lives or their new lives later than you think! 

   A divorce late in life got me into a talk therapist when I was close to 50 .... then, thanks to my therapist, started all over again with a new circle of friends.

   Best wishes

Rob & Gizmo

 

Hi Gugft,

I don't think I welcomed you to the forum. I want you to know we are all happy that you joined us.

Keep posting and know that we care...

Hugs, Karen...

Laurie79, I know this was quite a while ago, but I am almost exactly the same place. I travelled the world and now want to settle, but it's tough. I missed so many weddings etc, and bonding. My old uni friends are doing the whole getting married and babies and mortgages thing and I feel very alone. I picked up a great guy on my travels, but lost a lot of connections.

How do you find you are getting on?

Hi Claire. Welcome. Since this thread was started last year, you might not get the response from the person you hope will respond. I'm glad you are here and wouldn't want you to be disappointed.

I get so caught up in the posts that I forget to look at the dates they were made!

Hope to see more from you!

Hi Laurie and others,

I felt a connection reading this thread so I wanted to share my story also.

I'm 33 and I feel like I'm at the end of yet another career path. I've always been interested in EVERYTHING and in the past decade I've graduated as a food engineer, worked in a warehouse for 2 years, studied gardening for a year without graduating, worked as a pest controller for 2 years, obtained a masters degree in the biofields and now finally working as a researcher at the university.

My problem is that at some point I always get really disappointed at what I'm doing and I ruminate on various reasons to start over. It could be the wrong kind of people, too much interaction with people or too little, the work tasks are unfulfilling or too demanding, too little creative task (I play the guitar and sing which helps a little) or anything else. Now, as a researcher, I'm constantly second-guessing my ideas and because I'm not really involved with the community, Its hard to ask for help. I tried to belong but because all the other researchers are foreigners and I'm a native (hope this doesn't come off as racist), I just don't feel the connection. So I feel alone. On top of this I, yet again, don't enjoy the work.

I have lots of friends outside work and a wife to whom I can talk to, but this only brings temporary relief. My wife also went through similar feelings a year ago with the exception that she has a passion to follow. I know that I must man up and make these decisions alone. It just seems that I'm always making the wrong decisions and I'm getting tired of starting over.. I'm highly introspective about these things but the more I think, the more confused I seem to get. If it were up to me, we would all live in rural communities where the work is a joint effort for the good of the community and everybody's contribution is respected

Anyway, hope you are all doing better in your lives and also that this story resonates with some of you!

Post Edited (Jake84) : 7/3/2017 11:54:50 PM (GMT-6)