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Is depression making me dislike my husband SO much?

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Posted 9/28/2017 7:45 PM (GMT 0)
I've been married 5 years. I'm 31, no kids. We both make pretty good money.

He wants a baby and I don't right now. I just am so unattracted to him. I feel like our relationship is good when we're just texting all day while at work but I don't want him around when I'm at home. He's over 400 lbs. He was always big but has gotten severely bigger. I just simply hate sex with him. He has given me an ultimatum about trying for a baby but I can't even fathom going through the motion over and over. I know it seems shallow but I don't care for that, I don't care for him to be around, I don't care to talk about things with him, and I mostly don't care or want intimacy. I cringe when he touches me. Does depression cause this type of feelings? It's like I have no feelings for him other than I care for him a great deal but I don't feel in love anymore and I think he suspects it. by the way, I do sleep with him at least once a week but I have to force myself and the entire time I'm just wishing he would hurry up

I'm on wellbutrin 300 XL and klonapin, if that helps anything. I'm seeing a counselor but just started. I just feel like a terrible person. He tells me I'm a bad wife a lot. I honestly feel like he deserves better, that he deserves someone to be attracted to him mentally and physically, and wants to be intimate with him and to have a baby with him, etc. he wants a Christian wife and while I believe in God, I don't have all the same beliefs as him. I just feel like I'm unhappy and he deserves better but it's so much easier said than done to get divorced. should I leave him and just move on and hope I don't regret it later (which I think I will)? we have tried marriage counseling. Didn't work. made things worse.
Posted 9/28/2017 8:48 PM (GMT 0)
Some thoughts--not necessarily in any order.

ADs can cause a lack of sexual arousal.

It does sound as if you are both in a bad place. Guilting someone is toxic--it's manipulation. Disliking a partner at times is normal--all the time is an issue. And, yes, the other person does know and is hurt by it. Rejection always hurts.

In my short experience (almost 50,) mixed marriages never turn out well--want offspring, do not want offspring. NEVER. Did you used to want them and changed your mind? Did you say you did but felt pressured to agree? Did you not think about it before marriage? OR--do you want children, but not with him right now, or not want with him all the time? I never wanted kids--and picked partners who shared my intention to not be a breeder. My current partner and his wife broke up due to this issue. And, having a kid to please a partner turns out worse, because then you have to deal with a small person.

Regardless--an ultimatum will turn out badly-so he needs to be sure he is willing to go through with it if you refuse.

Everyone greatly dislikes their partner at times, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Other times, they are reminded of the reason they got together with them, and madly in love. There is no way to know in the pie chart of love how much depression plays into this. Ditto, attractiveness. It sounds as if part of this is you are angry with him--and the physical revulsion is a manifestation of the emotion.

Relationships are hard--but you do have to trust the other person to have your back and want the best for you. Is he seeing a therapist on his own?

Good luck and welcome to the board, by-the-by.
Posted 9/28/2017 10:29 PM (GMT 0)
Hi hynesh,

i'm sorry you're having such trouble.

just my opinion, but it sounds like his excess weight is an issue (400 lbs is a lot). hopefully you will be talking about this in therapy at some point. by the way, i think it is an EXCELLENT thing that you are in therapy. this will give you a chance to seek answers for some of the problems you're having in your marriage.

i know with my depression i sometimes don't want to be around people at all.

i wish you good things in working things out. I know I haven't touched on all the things you brought up in your post, but i have never really been married, and kids were not an issue.
Posted 9/29/2017 1:33 PM (GMT 0)

Myself 09 said...
Some thoughts--not necessarily in any order.

ADs can cause a lack of sexual arousal.

It does sound as if you are both in a bad place. Guilting someone is toxic--it's manipulation. Disliking a partner at times is normal--all the time is an issue. And, yes, the other person does know and is hurt by it. Rejection always hurts.

In my short experience (almost 50,) mixed marriages never turn out well--want offspring, do not want offspring. NEVER. Did you used to want them and changed your mind? Did you say you did but felt pressured to agree? Did you not think about it before marriage? OR--do you want children, but not with him right now, or not want with him all the time? I never wanted kids--and picked partners who shared my intention to not be a breeder. My current partner and his wife broke up due to this issue. And, having a kid to please a partner turns out worse, because then you have to deal with a small person.

Regardless--an ultimatum will turn out badly-so he needs to be sure he is willing to go through with it if you refuse.

Everyone greatly dislikes their partner at times, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Other times, they are reminded of the reason they got together with them, and madly in love. There is no way to know in the pie chart of love how much depression plays into this. Ditto, attractiveness. It sounds as if part of this is you are angry with him--and the physical revulsion is a manifestation of the emotion.

Relationships are hard--but you do have to trust the other person to have your back and want the best for you. Is he seeing a therapist on his own?

Good luck and welcome to the board, by-the-by.


Thank you so much for your response. To answer your question, yes, I wanted one before. In fact 4 years ago I got pregnant and was so happy about it. I lost it at 10 weeks and that was the first downfall of our marriage. it was just a downhill spiral from that day forward. But for some reason now, maybe it's because he gave me an ultimatum, but I don't want one. I am afraid, because I'm 31 and getting old to have one, but at the same time, can't fathom having a baby with someone I'm not in love with (at least at the moment). Maybe I am angry with him like you said and maybe every other tiny emotion and unattractiveness is manifesting from that
Posted 9/29/2017 1:54 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like you both have suffered from the loss. Do either of you go to any counseling?

When I am depressed I don't like much of anything, or anyone... So this could change, the way you are feeling that is.

I think he should work on losing some weight if for nothing else, his health...

I Hope that things get better soon.

Sorry for your loss too.

Hugs, Karen....
Posted 9/29/2017 7:19 PM (GMT 0)
I'm just gonna say it: if he's over 400lb I'm not remotely surprised you're not attracted to him. That's not just a few pounds overweight, that's morbidly obese and then some. Has his weight ever been mentioned, either by you or him? Him telling you are a bad wife doesn't exactly endear him to me either; do you say mean stuff to him as well, or is it just him?

If he wants to keep the marriage going, he needs to make some effort in return. And so far, it doesn't sound like he is making any effort. I certainly wouldn't have a baby with him, because then you really will be trapped.
Posted 9/29/2017 8:27 PM (GMT 0)

NiceCupOfTea said...
I'm just gonna say it: if he's over 400lb I'm not remotely surprised you're not attracted to him. That's not just a few pounds overweight, that's morbidly obese and then some. Has his weight ever been mentioned, either by you or him? Him telling you are a bad wife doesn't exactly endear him to me either; do you say mean stuff to him as well, or is it just him?

If he wants to keep the marriage going, he needs to make some effort in return. And so far, it doesn't sound like he is making any effort. I certainly wouldn't have a baby with him, because then you really will be trapped.

I have mentioned his weight as nicely as possible and I told him it makes me feel very shallow, bad, and uncomfortable to bring it up but he wanted to know the truth of why I'm not attracted to him. For 5 years now he says he will lose the weight he will lose the weight. When he gave me an ultimatum last year about trying for a baby, I told him he needed to try to lose weight and help more around the house. While he has been helping around the house more he has not lost weight. He will lose weight then gain it all back so to me, it doesn't count. I hate making such a huge deal of it because I do feel bad. I never call him names or anything. When we argue, we both get kind of brutal but I never call him fat. When he tells me I'm a bad wife it's referring to the lack of attention, affection, desire, etc. and then I just shut down feeling like a terrible person. I told him that telling me I'm a bad wife isn't going to suddenly make me all those things he's wanting, in fact, it does opposite. I said does me mentioning your weight motivate you to lose weight? He said "no, it makes me just want to do nothing, it doesn't motivate me" it's the same concept to me. I often wonder if I would feel differently if he lost weight, but I just don't know.
Posted 9/29/2017 8:33 PM (GMT 0)

getting by said...
Sounds like you both have suffered from the loss. Do either of you go to any counseling?

When I am depressed I don't like much of anything, or anyone... So this could change, the way you are feeling that is.

I think he should work on losing some weight if for nothing else, his health...

I Hope that things get better soon.

Sorry for your loss too.

Hugs, Karen....

Karen, yes, I am going to counseling, just started 2 weeks ago. I told him a long time ago he needs to go as well and he said he doesn't need it. Thank you for your response.
Posted 9/29/2017 8:41 PM (GMT 0)
Can you somehow get him to look at is as a health matter and not a matter of appearance? It really is detrimental to the health to be that over weight. Try to get him to take walks with you? Walking burns calories. Maybe the two of you could change eating habits if they aren't healthy??? Motivation. Makes him want to do it.

All you can do is try. I am glad you are going to counseling, they will help you through this. And we are here for you too.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 9/29/2017 9:04 PM (GMT 0)
I have told him its unhealthy. He says besides him being overweight, hes very healthy. So that doesn't help. Also, I've literally tried all programs, diets, etc that HES requested. We eat pretty good but I'm not with him all day and he goes to fast food a lot so thats his issue, i cant stop him. However, this last time he wanted to try somethinf i said I'm doing my own thing. I shouldn't have to keep being required to help him when hes been failing for 5 years. Actually 7, we've been married 5. He said I'm unsupportive. I gsve him an analogy of ...if i stand on the roof of a building and drop 99 eggs one by one and 99 break, WHY woul i not believe the 100th egg will break? Its like how many times cna i really change my entire earing and exercising juat to see him fail again? Ive been supportive for 7 years and it hasn't done anything.
Posted 9/29/2017 9:11 PM (GMT 0)

hynesh9792 said...
When he tells me I'm a bad wife it's referring to the lack of attention, affection, desire, etc. and then I just shut down feeling like a terrible person. I told him that telling me I'm a bad wife isn't going to suddenly make me all those things he's wanting, in fact, it does opposite. I said does me mentioning your weight motivate you to lose weight? He said "no, it makes me just want to do nothing, it doesn't motivate me" it's the same concept to me. I often wonder if I would feel differently if he lost weight, but I just don't know.

If he were normal weight and you became 400lb, do you think he would still fancy you? I don't think he's living in the real world here. He needs to realise that at his weight, he's sexually attractive to virtually nobody. And there is the health and fitness aspect as well. Even if he is okay right now, in his 40s, 50s and 60s he won't be: there's a reason why you never see extremely fat 70 year olds. You can try the health angle with him, as Karen suggested. My feeling is, he's not motivated enough and it won't work but you don't lose anything by giving it a go.

Edit: Sorry, you posted before I did! Okay, the health angle hasn't worked.

I'm afraid I'm not seeing a happy future for the two of you. He doesn't want to change and you're desperately unhappy. It isn't your fault and you're not being shallow, though.

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 9/29/2017 3:14:17 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/29/2017 9:16 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you everyone. I greatly appreciate feedback. Sometimes you just don't know where to turn
Posted 9/29/2017 10:24 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with NCOT, this isn't your fault and it isn't your issue, it is his. And if he doesn't want to try to get healthy, there is nothing you can do.

I frankly don't see much of a future for this either. I wish you the best. I hope that your therapist is supportive. You need support right now.

Hugs...
Posted 9/29/2017 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
I am just curious...have you looked at his blood test results? You can log in to a "patient portal" and review the numbers for yourself. I find it hard to believe that at over 400 lbs he is "healthy." Personally, I would not be sexually attracted to him either and I would honestly be afraid to have children with him for fear of losing him to an early death. I think what bothers me that most in reading your comments is that you are willing to go to Counseling but he is not. He says that he does not need it. That in itself is a problem. You may need to give him an ultimatum. At this point, I think you are "turned off" physically but also mentally. You resent that he keeps gaining the weight back. You resent that he isn't really "hearing" you when you try as nicely as you can to tell him that you are just not attracted to him at this weight. He is being quite short sighted and stubborn not to go to Counseling with you IMO. So much to gain (or lose). Any future children will need happy role models in order to get a good start in life. I would not bring a child into this marriage.
Posted 10/9/2017 11:43 PM (GMT 0)
Very curious thing you said: that if you left the marriage, you think you would regret it later. What makes you say that?

While I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do, you haven't given any reasons to stay in the marriage. 400 pounds suggests that your husband has his own issues, and it doesn't sound like he's dealing with them. Having a child with someone you detest is a recipe for disaster, IMHO.

Nobody at 400 lbs is healthy, mentally or physically. Can he run a mile? Assuming he's close to your age, he should be able to.

BTW, in response to another comment in hear, Wellbutrin does not decrease libido.

Hope you find a way out of this mess.
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