having a hard time

Hi,

Actually I don't know if I'm depressed or not... but I feel like I am and I feel like I have to share this or else I might just lose it, that's why I decided to join here.
I work as an home based Online English teacher but I don't earn enough money from it and the worst is I need to replace my laptop but I don't have money. My sisters told me they'll give me additional money so that I could buy a good laptop model. But I can't tell them that I haven't save anything from my salary ever since I started working last year. I'm afraid of what they might say to me once they find out that I'm not earning enough in my current work.

I've always been careful of what I say or share when I'm with my family because I don't want them to ask me about my plans. I have 3 older sisters, the eldest is 18 years older than me, the 2nd is 17 years older than me and the 3rd is 9 years older than me. They all have their own families now and growing up I've always been compared to them and to my eldest niece (5 yrs. younger) and nephew (6 yrs. younger). Now that they're all successful and they're expecting me to be the same. But right now I can't and I think they can't understand why I can't. That's why I don't really share anything to them because I'm pretty sure I'll just get scolded by them and they'll say that it's because I'm not doing anything and that I'm lazy and not looking for solutions to my problems. And hearing those kinds of words from them makes me feel really worthless, useless and helpless. Every night I cry alone before going to sleep, sometimes I don't get any sleep at all which cause me to have low blood pressure. I can't help but think of negative thoughts at night. I feel like I'm going crazy thinking of how I can solve my problems without telling my family. There are times when I wish I would fall in a coma even just for 3 days or a week. Just so I can forget my problems and hopefully, when I woke up they would be able to empathize with me.

I'm sure there are other people who are experiencing more depressing things than me, but I just can't help but feel depressed about it. I don't know whom to share my problems so I looked for sites online and I found healingwell in one of the recommended sites.

Hi teddy_gom, welcome to HW. Sorry you had to join in, but glad you found HW - it’s a good community with many caring people. Hope you hang around for a while!

I don’t think anyone likes putting themselves in a situation where they may be judged. As wonderful as it is that your sisters want to help, it sounds like the help comes at a price. Your pride is going to take a hit, you’ll have to listen to endless ‘advice’ on how to improve yourself, and of course there’s probably a little emasculation that you’ll have to deal with too. I guess there’s two ways to look at this situation; the first is “This is going to be a horrible experience”, and the second is “Who gives a crap, I’m getting a new PC.”

All of the stuff your sisters will put you through only has power against you if you allow it to. Shame sucks, but it’s not the end of the world. Maybe you feel as bad as you do because there’s an element of truth to what they’re going to say. Lot’s of us aren’t perfect, I am certainly not, but it’s up to each and every one of us to strive to make ourselves better, and the first part of that is realizing that we may need to change.

Unfortunately, this is one of those things where you’re just going to have to cowboy up and take your lumps. You say your job doesn’t pay well, but it probably pays more than zero. Moving forward with your life is going to be much easier if you’re still working. You CAN make your life better, you CAN move forward, and you CAN work toward your dreams, it just takes effort.

And yeah, sometimes you gotta eat a poo sandwich - but it doesn’t mean you gotta like it.

Good luck teddy_gom, hope your new PC end up being awesome!

Teddy,

Welcome to the forum.

I have a sister that is 12.5 years older than me.

I have not been in a situation like yours, however, I can empathize. Old siblings are akin the Aunts, or additional parents. You find yourself trying to get their approval instead of standing your own ground as a sibling.

Try to remember that you are an adult now. You CAN be in control of your life.

Take that money if you need it. Talk Myself's advice on reduce priced laptops. You do not have to tell your
sister anything about you financial standing. All you have to do is set up a repayment plan with them.

This being said, get a hold of yourself and responsibly control your spending if possible.

I also strongly recommend therapy and/or a psychiatrist. It will only help! I go all the time. I the pas 6 years, I have become so much more independent.

Peace
Trina

Yeah--I have NO clue what health care in the Phillippines is like. Sheesh--I barely understand it in the states.

I like Trina's advice--you do not have to give them the personal information. Set up the repayment plan--and that, as they say, is that.

Be well.