Depressed boyfriend (31) left me (27)

(Forgive me for the wall of text. I tried condensing it)
The breakup happened two weeks ago. Exactly a week after his friend texted me on a Tuesday night that he was in the emergency for a mental health assessment. I don't know what led up to that. The following morning he texts me that he is at home and alright and getting new antidepressants. This happened after he was already changing antidepressants. So two changes in one short period of time.

When I couldn't reach him later that day I went to his home, and he asked that I leave soon, because he feels he is not a good boyfriend when he is depressed. Something I have never thought true or important. He still reassured me our holiday plans were paramount. I eventually left when his friends had arrived. He apologised to me via text as soon as I'd left. I forgave him, but explained that I was upset over getting very limited information and only from his friend, and that he was able to be with his friends but not me. I also reassured him we didn't have to talk about this until he was better.

I voiced similar concerns two days after, and on the Saturday we planned to meet but he was to sleepy from finally going back to work, then we talked about cinema plans on Sunday. Monday night he asked to see me Tuesday afternoon. When he came over he broke up with me immediately. No warning. No discussion. No compromise or negotiation. Nothing implied our relationship was going bad. It is so unlike him to just make such an abrupt decision for both of us. I completely fell apart in front of him.

This happened two weeks after we had an amazing day together. His face lit up when he saw me, and he even told me so. It felt like the worst of his depression was over for a while, and that we were falling in love even more. He said he loved me, something he only says when he feels it. It was an exceptionally good day. Our relationship was in no way about to end.

Looking back, It was only 3-4 dates into our relationship before he was stuck in bed, too sad to do anything. I knew already then what I was getting myself into, and decided I was taking the good with the bad. Because there is so much good. While he seem to struggle with it, I have never had problems separating him from the depression. I once told him I was worried his depression would just make him break up with me out of the blue. He told me that wasn't something he would ever do. Like that just wasn't his personality. And it totally isn't.

His reasons for breaking up with me was that his feelings had changed. That he used to be excited about seeing me but now felt like avoiding me and pushed me away. That it was not fair on me that he was with his friends when sad, but not me. Basically he feels good when we are together but 'has negative feelings about us when he is sad', as he words it.

My theory: His severe depression makes it hard for him to feel he's in love. It attacks how he feels about me when I am not present. We've been through this before and his feelings for me returned and even improved. Moreover, he feels very guilty about being depressed and that he is not a good boyfriend then. So he pushes me away. And my feelings, worries and concern, in addition to the "obligations" of a relationship, became just too much for him when he had this breakdown that led him to the hospital. I think he figured he was too depressed to be in a relationship, but I worry that even if he gets better he will find it too hard to come back to me. Even though I am clearly here for him.

I wish I could just tell him there are ways to work things out. This is so unnecessary and so easy to resolve. Yes, I did voice concerns about being kept away when he's depressed. But had I fully understood it was that important to him, I'd be happy to just receive texts about his condition from friends. I'd know he was in good hands and that's soothing enough for me. I just think we needed clear boundaries regarding his depression and me. That I don't come over uninvited, that it is okay that he is with friends when it's too hard to be with me.

Now I won't get the chance because he's not said a word to me in two weeks. No reply to the email I sent the day after the breakup, and no reply from the text I sent over a week after that. I've been very careful about not pushing him away with attempts to contact him. He's not even paid me for the flight tickets I bought him. He's still working and socialising though. It's crapty behaviour, but not with intent. He is an unusually kind person, so I'm confident it's because he avoids things that bring him discomfort. This is so unlike him though. No warning and no follow-up.

Lastly, I miss having sex with him so bad. The meds he changed to around new year's killed his sex drive and we've not had sex since. I thought it was just around the corner, so I waited it out. Now I am finding myself mourning something I lost a long time ago. And I think the lack of sex made it easier for his depression to make him doubt our relationship.

Question is: What do I do? What can I do? Why didn't he talk to me sooner about this?
I feel like he ended it because of what I said, when I didn't feel that strongly about it even. I had no idea ending what we had was even on the table. I am still in shock and disbelief. We were so close, and suddenly this came out of nowhere. Even when depressed he is an absolutely wonderful boyfriend.

F27 said...
Heheh, "wall of text", love it.

I've been depressed most of my adult life. Not just meloncholy, but drive-your-car-into-a-concrete-abutment-spend-a-week-in-the-loony-bin messed up. I've started, stopped, and changed antidepressants more times than I can remember. I'm managing my depression for the most part, but every now and then I lose control and spiral down. Sometimes for weeks, sometimes for months, sometimes for years. It sucks. It's awful. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

But, I never, ever stop loving my wife. She's the reason I'm only half as messed up as I should be. She's the kind of non-judgemental friend and companion that everyone deserves. I do my best to live up to her standards of compassion, but I always fall short. She's the reason I get up in the morning. She's the reason I work hard. She's the reason I am always trying to be the best person I can be.

Your dude ran away from you because HIS life got complicated.

Can you imagine how reliable he would be if YOU needed him?

Generally I've found that being depressed does NOT make you act like a jerk, unless you're already a jerk. Your BF didn't cut and run cuz he's a depressed pillar of the community, he cut and ran because he's a jerk.

Many people have great success having relationships where one or both of the partners are mentally ill. Very few people have successful relationships with when one partner demands unreasonable accommodations.

You sound like a wonderful, caring person. Go find yourself someone worthy of you.

Hi
Thank you for your reply, and I a sorry to hear depression has been so cruel to you. But it's good to hear your depression did not attack how you feel about your wife. I wish that were true of my boyf...ex. Still getting used to that.

If all I knew about him was that he left me without warning and never checked on me again, I'd think he was a jerk too. But I know him, and I know he is a kind and caring person. No, he's not always been reliable when I've needed him, but he's tried (he showed up to a special event of mine even though he was full of anxiety recently), and when he fails he beats himself up over being a bad boyfriend.

It is hard to reconcile who he is with what he did, because this is so out of character.

He never demanded unreasonable accommodations, but he definitely needed them a few times. And I fear one of those times was when I did not respond accordingly.

So I finally managed to get a conversation with him. An hour where he heard me out, where I said the things I'd want if he would feel ready for a relationship with me in the future. He seemed really positive to it and things really seemed like they were loosening up. But he still maintained he didn't have feelings for me anymore (even though he definitely did just weeks ago) and is determined he is better off without a relationship, because it seemed to add to his depression in the end.

I understand that, and I can accept that his life and death is actually more important than us, but it still hurts so much. That his depression or drugs subdued his feelings so much and that it turned our relationship from something that helped him to something that just caused him stress. "Another thing to be responsible for"

So I don't know if I want anything more from here now. I guess case is closed. But I hope this will be comforting to read for others in a similar situation in the future.

Not going to lie. I hope that when he is ready for a relationship again, he will come back to me.

Thank you. All I can say is that I hope so too. It's oddly comforting to know he's unlikely to find someone as understanding and patient as I've been. Which isn't usually how I am, but I guess he brought out that selflessness in me.

I feel like I've always had a good understanding of his depression, and I think he agrees. So I don't know what specific questions I have. I guess I am just wondering how it can make love go away. If it's anhedonia making things feel dull once the initial infatuation is gone. And if it can be recovered should he recover from depression? But I suppose you may not have that experience since you say you have never stopped loving your wife? We've been through a few cycles of him being unsure about his feelings when he is sad, but then the feelings rebounded and were stronger even.

As for your questions:
I first of all love our compatibility. And he is so intelligent (graduated from a world known university in some pretty hardcore stuff), and is very kind and understanding. Even when I still have to explain myself to friends I've had since childhood, he would still understand me based on just one sentence. And he is also very accepting and non-judgemental. He does not have any anger in him, and he speaks truthfully. Then there is just enjoying each other's company even if we are engaged in separate hobbies, and how we share fundamental values (politics, religion, science, philosophy...). And I loved our sex life when we still had it. I find him attractive. And he made me feel like I had some of those qualities too. Even though I have had issues with intimacy it was so easy with him. We also fit into each others' lives well.

He mentioned his depression in past tense on our first date actually. Then 3-4 dates into our relationship he had a very depressed episode. And so I knew already then what I was getting myself into in terms of his condition and the struggle it might bring.

I would restart our behaviour, but with some changes. We'd need clear boundaries and guidelines regarding his depression. I kept feeling like I needed to be there while he often felt that I shouldn't, which caused us some stress. So this would have had to be clearer. I would also need him to promise to talk to me when he was considering the status of our relationship. He's obviously free to break up, but I'd need to know if it was on the table.

Yeah, he's a wonderful person when depression is out of the equation. It doesn't make him do anything bad, but it can make him avoid things that could make things better. He does have ADD in addition to depression, but I don't know that it explains it. He just felt like he was a bad boyfriend when he was depressed, and the guilt would feel worse if I was there.

It'd be interesting to ask him what he thinks he is doing to *me* when leaving me like this. But it's not like I'd want him to stay for my sake if the mere concept of a relationship intensifies the guilt he feels from his depression.

(oh and I meant to say 'I would restart our relationship', not 'behaviour')

Hi there

Not sure I can add much other than my own experience with love and emotion when battling depression. When I am severely depressed, my emotion goes. I look at people like my mother, my family and think that I could murder them and not feel sad. It was actually feeling like this that made me realise I was depressed in the first place after being ill for a long time but not knowing what was wrong. I thought, this is not normal..

When I am out of the severe part, the emotions come back. I can still feel very low, but not that bad.

I went through this again as recently as a few weeks ago when changing my meds around. I had no feelings from my girlfriend anymore or anyone. I didn't feel like talking to anyone.

We all react differently to things like this. I still had enough of my mind working rationally to know that this wasn't who I was and how I really felt. I forced myself to keep talking to my girlfriend and not really let on how I was because I knew the emotion would come back. It did.

Relationships can be tough when you're depressed. Sometimes I have to kind of go through the motions. I don't feel like seeing someone, but then after an hour or two with them I feel better. Knowing this, I can usually make myself see people like my girlfriend even when I don't feel like it.

I hope he gets his depression under control and meds sorted. I don't think there is much you can do other than have patience with him if you still want to be with him. Sometimes just sitting in silence with someone is comforting for me.

Thank you F72, it's good to see it from another perspective. I know he's an introvert but I guess I never really related that to why he prefers to be alone rather than with me. I had always considered myself an introvert until I met him. Corni said that she felt more comfortable with her ex than any other before him and that he helped her overcome her fear of intimacy. This is the way I feel with him, so I can be like an extrovert with him. He just doesn't drain me when we are together. When we are away from each other for long periods of time I start to over-think and stress myself out.

I always turn back to that question though... Is his silence simply a way of him coping? I know I can come off as judgmental because my dad is that way and I've sort of learned to express my feelings in the same manner. I just feel like there is a way for us to find a happy medium in all this. I am so stubborn and so willing to do all I can, especially for love. I want to become a better person with him. For this reason, I have hope that we will be better off in the future.

I noted that you said "You may love this guy, but if you don't like him it will never work." These are pretty wise words. I do love him, and I like so many aspects of his character. He's a good man, a good listener (as you said), and he has so many fantastic qualities that I admire. It's just that in order to feel secure in our relationship I think we both need to make adjustments.

I didn't mention it in my first posting but he also has some quirks regarding the use of phones. He can't make phone calls with his loved ones. He'll answer (sometimes) if it's just the fast food guy or something and we have done it before but he told me that it gets him really nervous and that he'd prefer not to. I tried since then because i think it would improve our communication from afar but he just can't. I think that this low-key happens with texting too but he just hasn't told me. Do you have any idea why? I honestly think that it has something to do with a deeper problem than his Bipolar II... maybe not so much that he's a jerk (when we do connect he is the kindest person and my best friend). I'm starting to think that it's similar to a phobia... i'm no professional but he seems to have had an insanely rough childhood and I don't think it is completely related to what he's been diagnosed with.

I am funny with phones too. I hate talking on them. I don't answer if I don't have to.

I don't mind texting though.

Have you put yourself in his shoes? Wondered exactly how he feels?

Some people (especially introverts I have noticed) aren't going to change. Do you understand that you can't change him? You have to accept him for who he is. Then decide if that is what you want. Can you live that way? It all boils down to what you want out of the relationship.

I hope you can express to him that you need him to try to meet you half way. .But if that doesn't happen, it isn't anything you have done. It is just what it is.

Hugs, Karen...

Interesting. I had horrible childhood and I would rather skype or text, even write letters, which I do.

Most people in my support group do not like talking on the phone.

I think it is the voice with no face. But that could be just me. We are all different.

When you love someone, really love someone, their faults and idiosyncrasies do not matter in the long run.
Not to say, life can be difficult at times.

You have to decide what is important to you and what kind of life you are looking for.
He is who he is.
Same as you, you are you.

Peace
Trina