Having a quiet mental breakdown

Quiet, in the sense that nobody in real life knows. Hell, I didn't know myself until my behaviour made it so blindingly obvious not even I could miss the signs anymore.

Irrational behaviour, weeping, thoughts I can't talk about on this forum.

The thing is, I've tried just about everything I can think of: antidepressants, going inpatient for a few weeks, doing volunteer work. The only thing I can't do is therapy is because of the cost (I can't afford it), although I have tried CBT and mindfulness in the past and found neither to be of much use - I spend way too much alone with my own thoughts already. It doesn't help to go even further into my own head, at least not by myself with nobody to counteract the scary and self-hating thoughts.

I have too much pain. In the last year I have lost a friend and a brother, one of them to suicide. I have broken off contact with my family. I have no family or significant other of my own. Completely without love, affection or human contact and I can't really bear it anymore.

On top of it all, I am completely at odds with myself. I'm always the problem everywhere I go. I have a wretched, painful, horrible disease, with emotions to match.

I am sorry NCOT that you are going through all this. What anti-depressants have you tried? Have you tried Effexor or pristiq? They are a little different from the ssri's. Just a thought.

The mindfulness needs to be practiced. And to be honest I don't know how I started it. It may have been from a medication I take that makes me think less. It helps me to be in the present. But when I got fibromyalgia, I couldn't worry about past or future because I was too tired all the time. That could of helped me some too. I guess circumstances can help.

I am sorry you feel so alone. I do remember though you needing to get away from your family. Keep that in mind. I think you are better for moving.

I am also sorry for your losses of people. That is always hard. And to lose people so close to you. I lost five family members in a two year period. I don't know how I made it but I did. It wasn't easy though. We do get through things but I think it takes time...

Have you tried getting out and meeting somebody? Go to a coffee shop or something? You never know what might transpire.

I hope that things get better real soon for you. I am sorry for your struggles. Hang in there and keep posting because it does help to get things off of your chest.

Hugs, Karen...

getting by said...
... It may have been from a medication I take that makes me think less. It helps me to be in the present.

Karen, sorry to hijack the thread, but I'm curious what medication that is? The excessive rumination is why I'm taking Effexor. Just wondering if there's something that might be more effective.

Rob - Duloxetine (the generic form of Cymbalta) worked really well for me in stopping the ruminating thoughts, at least for the first few months. They did gradually come back unfortunately. But maybe they might not return for you.

I am sorry for how you are feeling. My day wasn't too eventful either though I am use to it.

The hard part I guess is putting yourself out there. If you are like me, you find it hard to trust people and open up. That really puts a damper on things. Life is not without risk though. Sometimes we just have to force ourselves. I am glad you are walking and doing something once a week.

I will be walking when all this snow melts.

Hugs, Karen...

NCOT

I so get your feeling of being a lone. No kids, career debunked by progressive nerve damage in my head
from childhood abuse. Husband is a Chef, I do 99.9% of things alone. Except for my dogs. With out my dogs I would loose my grip at times.

My Faith helps...I have had expierences that strengthen it.

Serious marrital issue lately, if John and I split, thats it. I have no one. A few friends who have problems of their own and do not want to face them.

Then of course friends from here.

I do a gratitude journal every day.. It helps to keep me focused.
I meditate, even if it is sitting in bed. I like to meditate on the patio out side.

You are not alone, there are plenty of people in your position, illness and all. Call the hospitals around you and find a support group. They are very helpful, you ignore the crap and hone in on the folks that respond and validate your feelings. because they too feel the same.

Peace and strength my friend.
Trina

No family, all shunned me 7 yrs ago.

Hi N,

Did you find a group. I think not from the upper post.

Here in the USA, individual States will have some run by Govt.

Although, there are plenty run just by caring folk like us. The one I go to is like this.

I found it on line. I searched by State, then by zip code. So you might search by Nearest City, the postal code. Many like we meet in church, pay the church a minimal rent. Obtained by donations.

If you are in Freeze mode right now, give some information via my Email and I will search for you.

Thank you for your kind words, this oct it will be 30yrs married 32yrs friends. We both decided not to throw that way. We will see on day at a time.
Peace and strength
Trina

Maybe consider getting a dog or other pet for company? They bring in dogs to old people to help them feel better think its meant to be helpful for depression to stroke a dog , I dont have the same problem as you as i have opposite problem really, want to be alone most of the time but cant but know maybe id get fed up if i was always alone . i used to drink alot when i lived alone an that was bad so atleast you havent turned to that

Hiya folks. I'm rather down today for a couple of reasons. Let me get a cup of tea first before I regale you with my depression <_<.

Actually there's not that much to say about it. But my support worker cancelled an appointment today, which really threw me out of sorts: we had planned for her to phone my mum and speak to her. I presume a new appointment will be made at some point, but it could be weeks from now. So annoyed.

Secondly, my uveitis (eye inflammation) has come back a day after being given the all-clear by the eye doc. Pissed off at that - and highly anxious about it as well. So yeah. I have an appointment with my GP this afternoon, so I'll at least be able to talk to her about these things I guess. I hope it helps.

@Trina - I forgot to look when I was at the hospital I'm afraid. On the other hand I'll be back there again soon enough :/ But I googled and found something local to me which has 4 drop-in sessions a week for people suffering from bereavement, mental health problems, loneliness, etc. I might actually try one of them. Pity they're only in the mornings... oh no wait, one is on Sunday afternoon. It's really near to me, but hadn't heard about it before.

Anyway, I'm very glad you and your husband have decided to give your marriage another go. Dumb question possibly, but is there any way he can get a bit of time off work so you two can spend some more time together?

@Andy - I've deffo heard of meetup.com and have looked at it a couple of times - but haven't got any further than looking so far >_>.

I have thought about trying an atypical antipsychotic, 'cos I've had such little success with ADs. But their side-effects scare me. Does your one leave you feeling groggy and barely able to think, or does it leave you with a reasonably clear mind?

@lazyminimoo - Not allowed cats or dogs where I am

@Myself - I certainly think people are more atomised than they ever have been in the past. Families are smaller, most people wouldn't know their own neighbours if they fell over them in the street, and so on. I think technology is probably the biggest double-edged sword of the century. It is possible to make genuine connections online - I've done it, I know it can happen. On the other hand, giant social media sites like Facebook have been terrible for the internet and terrible for democracy. Human society has never had anything like the internet before in all of human history: it would be fascinating to know whether in the long term it changes us fundamentally or whether we just remain the same largely useless species >_>.

I think most kids like nature and being outdoors when given the chance to. Parents who never let their children outside to play are not only doing them no favours, they are probably stunting their children's development.

ncot, sending compassionate healing thoughts. lamictal is great for mood and depression. yes bi-polar med, newer anti epeletic. works in background and is great with a general anti dep. helps with mixed mood states. it is good you posted, hard I know at times, but the community do care. ht.

Did you make a list for things to mention to the GP? That is what i did on Wednesday. Only three things but that is a start. I usually tell them I am fine. I don't know why. But mentioning these three things was awesome. He was very helpful. I am kind of proud of myself for speaking up for once.

It is often hard to tell them what we need to. Can you write her a letter or email? Explain everything that is going on??? I have done that in the past. I think it is because I don't think enough of myself to do the things I need to. But we all start somewhere. Hearing that things are going to get better is cool though. Keep that in your heart. Work on the things that you need to do for yourself. You are worth it.

I hope you have a good day today.

Hugs, Karen...

Another one like lamictal is abilify. Look that one up and see what you think. There is also risperdol or risperdone.

I know when I went from 10 to 20 mg, I gained weight. I have not had any movement problems as of yet, but I do watch for that.

For what it does for me. It stops me from over thinking, especially at night when I want to go to sleep. And it does improve my mood. I don't know why they would say that its use appears to neither improve quality of life nor functioning. Oh well, did you check out risperdol? It is another similar.

I know when I tried to go down on it, I didn't feel as good. .But I don't like that I have gained weight either. If I were to go off a med, it would probably be the first because of the weight gain.

I hope you find something. There is a book that Trina recommended to me that helps me. It is called "How to Train a Wild Elephant". As I recall. I got it on ebook, but I wish I had it in paperback. It is a very helpful book.

I hope you have a good night.

Hugs, Karen...

The book is interesting. You can find it on Amazon cheap. That is where I got it. but mine is on kindle. I am thinking about getting an actual book. I just like the pages...

I could stand to lose some weight, but haven't been gaining so that is good.

I hope you have a good night NCOT...

Hugs, Karen...