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Posted 6/26/2018 11:31 AM (GMT 0)
I am struggling a lot. My anxiety is through the roof, I'm very down to the point I dont want to see my girlfriend but I make myself because I don't want to lose her and it keeps me sane. I feel like olanzapine has made me worse but no one seems to believe me and they say it's helping. I'm very scared to come off it because I could have insomnia coming off it which triggers bad anxiety. I feel stuck. I have never had so many suicidal thoughts since I was completely off medication.

I'm going to try and be more positive now. My dad is staying with me and will stay as long as I need him and it really helps. I come and hug him in the night when I can't sleep or when Im down. When Im lying in bed I just imagine hugging someone and it calms me down a lot. i am trying to be mindful and it is helping, but I feel like I have to be mindful every second of the day because the worries come back when I'm idle. I'm still managing to work. Reading is difficult but I can just about get by without many people noticing.

It's been 6 years since I felt well, though I have felt better than this quite a few times. I have to cling to the hope that I will get through this but it's been such a long journey and it's taken it's toll.
Posted 6/26/2018 12:22 PM (GMT 0)
You will get through this Andy. Sometimes the transition is a little rocky. But in the end it will be okay. Don't isolate yourself from your girlfriend. Like you say, she is keeping you sane.

I am glad you have your father there. I am sure it really helps a lot.

Keep hanging on . This will pass. It is just your brain trying to get better.

If you keep having suicidal thoughts, make sure to talk to the doc about it. That is very important.


Keep using your coping skills. The mindfulness eventually becomes second nature.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/26/2018 7:32 PM (GMT 0)
I just can't take it anymore. The suicidal thoughts are constant and I am serious about it. I have been admitted to psychiatric hospital after I told the Dr's at the ER.

I have no idea what to expect but it felt like the only option. Has anyone had good experiences in recovering in hospital?

Please no bad stories
Posted 6/26/2018 7:42 PM (GMT 0)
I know that some of the members have been inpatient and did good. I think it will help you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/26/2018 10:07 PM (GMT 0)

Andy1986 said...
I just can't take it anymore. The suicidal thoughts are constant and I am serious about it. I have been admitted to psychiatric hospital after I told the Dr's at the ER.

I have no idea what to expect but it felt like the only option. Has anyone had good experiences in recovering in hospital?

Please no bad stories

I'm really sorry about this. Have been there.

My story isn't terrible but it isn't great either. I hope you have a more positive experience, although mine wasn't that bad. My main complaint is that there was no counselling - not even group therapy - the whole time I was in there (nearly 3 weeks). And the boredom. Oh the boredom. But you will be safe and you will be surrounded by people. Perhaps the respite will help: I think it did me.
Posted 6/27/2018 6:06 AM (GMT 0)
You need to figure out a way to get calm and relaxed. For me I watch tv or read a book or go to gym. Sleep can help along with exercise. As for the depression you might want to see a therapist. Or find something or someone that makes you happy. Spend all your time doing that. You just need to get your mind off of the things that are making you depressed and anxious.
Posted 6/27/2018 8:28 AM (GMT 0)
I get the boredom point. They have some activities here but a lot of the day we all seem to be left to ourselves. I brought my laptop so I can do a bit of writing for my novel. Hopefully it will be enough to keep me occupied when I'm bored.

I will be having my therapy as usual. Might see if they can increase it to twice a week.
Posted 6/28/2018 7:49 PM (GMT 0)
Andy,

When you get out of crisis, you will see this.

I am proud of you for doing a great job of self care. I know from experience how hard it is to admit yourself to inpatient. And it is not a joy ride.

However, there are things that can be learned from the others that are there. I learned more from the other people that I did from the staff each time.

When you go out patient, get the most you can out of it. If there is someone in the group of room that is making hard for you are anyone to get the most out of you time there, talk to the staff.
You are there to work on yourself, not to hear someones laundry list, or cross talk, or about the latest movie.

You are not alone, we are still here for you.

Peace and strength.
Trina
Posted 6/29/2018 1:07 AM (GMT 0)
Andy, I'm not trying to 'convert' you but, I'm wondering if you've ever read or considered reading "The Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer?

I, too, have a diagnosis of depression/anxiety with suicidal ideation. It is much work to battle the thoughts. I cannot stop them from coming, but today I know how to 'fight them'. I have a few scriptures that I have memorized and like the 'thought' of putting on 'the armor of God'. Just reading the sequence and the descriptions helps me.

I had no luck with medications...each one I tried gave me terrible side effects. I've been 'med free' for over 10 years now. At the mental health clinic that I went to back when things were really bad, they called me 'the enigma'. I still run into my former counselor now and then and he is always amazed that I am 'still alive'.
Posted 6/29/2018 1:22 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the kind words. I've been up and down but a couple of nurses have had some great advice, and the other patients are all nice to me. I'm feeling a bit settled.
Posted 6/29/2018 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
I am so glad Andy and surprised you have contact freedom. That is nice.

Peace
Trina
Posted 6/29/2018 8:03 PM (GMT 0)
I am glad it is going well. I am glad people are friendly. Keep us posted as to how you are doing when you can.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 6/30/2018 3:01 AM (GMT 0)
Andy, hang in there. If nobody listens to you about the Olanzapine making you worse, you need to find another doctor. If you are suicidal, call 911 and tell them. It is the disease talking. I have severe depression and anxiety like you. I am on Lamotrigene, Depakote, Zoloft, and Lorazepam. It has been working ok for a few months. But now I am back to feeling bad again. I keep on hearing the sound of a gunshot in my mind. I don't control this, it just comes to my mind. I know that's the disease talking. I haven't "heard the gunshot" for a few months until last week. When you get the right medication, you will think it's unreal how you can actually feel so much better! So hang in there. You are at a low point. We all live with this crap. We understand you. It will get better. Just reach out for someone and DEMAND you want some other medication.
Posted 7/13/2018 10:07 AM (GMT 0)
Hi all

I was discharged from the hospital on Monday after doing better. I have gone downhill a bit since leaving but I think it was to be expected. I don't really like where I'm living and I was relying on sleeping pills in the hospital which they wont give me now so I have insomnia. Dr gave me Promethazine to help but still having issues. I am getting some sleep so wont complain too much. My dad is staying with me and I sleep with him when the anxiety is bad during the night. It helps a lot.

My pain had been doing better but now it has been getting worse. I'm concerned the Olanzapine had actually helped it but now it's wearing off since I stopped. I have been controlling my anxiety better with mindfulness than I had when I first got into hospital so that is a positive.

It's been really hard on my girlfriend. She is getting very depressed herself and has a history of it. I'm not sure if our relationship will survive..
Posted 7/13/2018 11:56 AM (GMT 0)
Take care of you first Andy. Worry about the relationship later. I am glad you are practicing mindfulness. It really does help. Sounds like you are doing better than before. That is a very good thing.

I do meditation to fall asleep. I usually only have to do it once, but if I wake up and can't fall asleep, I will do it again.

Keep hanging in there Andy. Your relationship will fall into place. I hope your girlfriend will be okay. It is hard when you both have depression looming over. But you two will get through it.

Think positive....

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 7/14/2018 3:27 PM (GMT 0)
Andy - ask about a low dose of quetiapine (Seroquel is the brand name) for sleep. Since it's an atypical antipsychotic like Olanzapine, maybe it might help with the pain as well. A low dose shouldn't have any psychiatric effect though.

Good luck with the other stuff... :/
Posted 7/21/2018 1:25 AM (GMT 0)
peace to you Andy
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