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30 effing years. I am sick to death of myself and my perpetual depression. So boring. So stupid.

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Posted 7/28/2018 11:51 PM (GMT 0)
No, I'm not going to kill myself, but the thought certainly does cross my mind. What the hell is all this about, this thing they call "life"? It's pointless, at least it is for me, 62, never married, never had children. I feel like such a freak.

And I'm so sick of the constant, constant battle. My energy level is less than zero. I get so little done in a day. My house is usually a disaster, which makes me feel even worse, ashamed. So you'd think I'd clean it, wouldn't you? I'm 2 months behind on sending out invoices for my job. I filed for an extension in April on my taxes and I've done nothing to get that done, nor have I done anything for 2018 to be ready for that. The weeds around my house are about ready to hit 2 feet tall. I never wash my car. The bird room and bird cages are a mess. I've put on weight.

I was in therapy a couple of times, once for quite a while, two and a half years, seeing her five to six times a month. She lives and practices about 70 miles from me, and I looked her up and I thought about going back to her so you don't have to reinvent the wheel with another person, but then I realized I would have to admit that all that hard work was wasted. I didn't change my life like I said I would. I didn't change a freaking thing. I'm still in the same effing place, 15 years later, living a small, boring, stupid waste of a life.

My psychiatrist retired so I have no one managing my meds. I wanted to get off Effexor, which I had been on for probably ten years, but I had such a problem doing that -- even counting the little grains at the end and dropping by 2 grains every other day and suffered such effects, I couldn't do it. She suggested a switch to Cymbalta because it would be much easier to wean off of that. That was a year or better ago. I don't think it's cutting it for me and it never really has. I'm on 120 mg (60 mg twice a day) and 450 of Welbutrin, which was ABSOLUTE MAGIC when I went on it probably five or six years ago, but don't think it's helping much now. It also had profound effects on my absolute DRIVE to eat and my obsession with food, and I lost 60 pounds. 30 are back on.

Besides hating myself, my biggest problem with my depression is a complete lack of energy, drive, motivation. One of my therapists gave me an MMPI, gawd, 30-some years ago, and she commented that she didn't know how I even got myself to my appointment, my energy level was so low. Welbutrin was MAGIC for that for a while.

I'm just so tired of this battle. If I had cancer or something, I'd have dealt with it 30 years ago and now would either not have to deal with it every day or be dead. This just goes on and on and on and on. And you get on a medication and it works quite well, sometimes for a long time, but then it stops working.

I also have ulcerative colitis, which, thankfully, I've managed quite well and haven't had a flare for probably eight years or so. On azathioprine for that, and was on Asacol until my health insurance company (who gets more than $12,000 a year from me in premiums alone) took it off their formulary and will not cover it anymore.


So should I ask my family doc to give me a script and risk getting on something that might not work (although, he was the one who got me on Effexor), get back into therapy (which I am loathe to do because I've been there, done that), or find a new psychiatrist? I feel most of all like stopping all my meds but I know that would be a really bad idea. Help me figure this out, please, my fellow sufferers.
Posted 7/29/2018 1:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hi~

I use my family doc for my depression med's and he's wonderful to work with. Most people find that an antidepressant only is effective for 1-2 years and then you need to be switched to something else. There are many for your doctor to choose from and if 1 doesn't work then ask to try something else. The different classes of antidepressants all work a bit differently in the brain so you need to find what works for you. Your family doc will also be able to get you switched from one to another fairly easily. I rarely have a problem.

Warmly,
Chutz
Posted 7/29/2018 4:26 AM (GMT 0)
You sound quite a bit like me, tired, unmotivated, down in the dumps, have UC to boot... I don't know why all these things come in a package together, but it surely seems like they do. I wish there was a simple answer for you, and me, but I think we need to find something that makes us feel fulfilled and even if we find that thing, what is it, and how long will it last? who knows.. I do however know, it doesn't come from other people, it has to come from yourself. We need interests, hobbies, a craft, a career. I took pristiq for a while, and it seemed to help quite a bit, but eventually, the cost was not something I wanted to accept forever. I also have UC and I didn't want to take additional drugs & to top it off, there were some side effects that I didn't love. There are other UC drugs you could try that are similar to asacol, and may be covered, check out apriso, lialda, or delzicol. Maybe you should make getting your home in order a priority. I always feel like when my home is a mess, I can't get organized and motivated. Maybe that will help you increase your activity level. Maybe a therapist could help? maybe antidepressant? maybe you need some friends? I don't think you should feel bad about yourself because of the path your life has taken though, tons of people are just like you. It's weird how society tries to make people feel like their lives need to be a certain way to matter. The reality is, people like us are more normal than we are led to believe. Sometimes I really wish all of us could band together and start a movement, the movement of individuals over societal norms. I bet you there are just as many of us people sitting back wondering why we aren't what we are led to believe we should be, as there are people living that "perfect" life, which by the way, isn't that great either.
Posted 7/29/2018 11:13 AM (GMT 0)
Hi, Chutz.

Thank you for your advice. That would be the fastest way for me to get a change started. I guess I'll at least start with him because I probably need a referral to the psychiatrist. The only reason I think maybe a new psychiatrist is a good step is I found one in my town whose "interests" or "specialties" are psychopharmacology. I'm fortunate that most medications do work for me, to varying degrees. I just know that the ones I'm on, particularly the Cymbalta, is not working for me.

Thanks again.
Posted 7/29/2018 11:29 AM (GMT 0)
Hey, not so sick girl.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate it.

You know, I sometimes wonder about inflammation generally, and inflammation as a cause of mood disorders like depression. I think about a chicken/egg thing with UC and depression. I just don't know why I have this. No one else in my family has it. It's not in the family history. I had a breakup with a significant boyfriend and just fell into the abyss and I've been trying to climb out of it for a long, long time.

I do have a career. I have a business. But I have isolated myself and lost touch with friends. Fortunately, I have a great family support system with siblings and their wives, and my nieces and nephews, and my mother is 87 and still going strong. But my life has gotten so small, and I don't have the energy to try to incorporate friends back into my life, nor do I feel I have anything to offer friends. I used to have oodles and oodles of friends and they were a big, big part of my life. But in the last 20 years, I've really lost touch and so have they. If I see someone I know, I try to avoid them because I don't want them to ask me what I've been up to. Have I been traveling? Do you ever see so and so? I have nothing to say and that makes me feel ashamed.

I have been fortunate that my UC has been well controlled by the Imuran. My mother lost her colon to UC many years ago, and she had the J-pouch surgery and no longer wears an appliance. She's done very, very well with that, though she seems to be having more and more incontinence issues. I think she probably has pouchitis, but she doesn't want to be scoped anymore. I'm taking her to her doc tomorrow, so I'm going to ask about steroids. I know how awful they are, but I don't think she could do enemas, and maybe if we just get the inflammation down, she could have better control.

Thanks again for your reply. Sometimes, knowing you are not alone in your misery can make you feel better. And you have. Now if I can get off my ass today and get my house in order, you are right, I would feel a lot better. But it's 6:30 a.m., and I took the dogs for a walk, am having coffee, and all I really want to do is lay down and go back to sleep. ~sigh~

,
Posted 7/29/2018 1:30 PM (GMT 0)
Walking is good. I am glad you went. I walked yesterday and it did me a ton of good. I try to walk a little each day. I was going with my dog but she passed away on May 15. So it is kind of hard to go by myself, but I have been.

I hope you talk to your doc. There really are many kinds of antidepressants as Chutz stated. I been on Pristiq for about eight years and I like it. I take a mood stabilizer too called Abilify. And an occasional Xanax. That is for anxiety, which I don't get much anymore.

I hope you get feeling better soon. Welcome to the depression forum. You will make friends here.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 7/29/2018 2:06 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, Getting By.

Yes, the walk is good for them and good for me. We don't go for a long walk, but we try to get out every morning for six blocks to about a mile. I have a naughty boy dog, and if I don't get him out for a walk, we have accidents in the house. UGH.

I'm so sorry that you lost your buddy in May. It's so hard to lose your furry buddy. I've lost a few in my life as well. When you're ready, I hope you'll get another one. They give me a reason to get out of bed and I feel like they are salve for my broken heart.

Thank you for the welcome. I really appreciate it. It's hard to talk to people about this awful malady with people who don't really understand. Here, I can be with kindred spirits. I'm just so tired of it. I feel like it kind of defines me after having it for so long and I hate that.
Posted 7/29/2018 4:27 PM (GMT 0)
That's great that you're taking your mom to the doctor. A lot of people treat pouchitis with antibiotics. Sometimes a short course gets it under control for a long time, or forever. People don't usually have it recur often, if they do, there are options for treatment. Also good to hear she's done so well with her pouch. I got mine a few years back and so far, it's been a lot easier than my UC. Some people have mild UC, but mine was always severe and unmanageable.

It's great that you have a career and friends. I also get down on myself, where I feel like I should just stay away from people, like I have nothing to add, but friends don't think that way of you, they want to see you and they love you. You should make it a mission to see a few friends over the next few weeks. Catch up with family a little, connect... pristiq might help you. It really helped me get the bad thoughts out of my head. Probably more of a case of not letting things get me into that state.

My pets always pull me out of the worst places, if I didn't have them I might never go out of the house... I don't know, but from what you say, you're not at all the way you see yourself. You sound like a very driven, caring, intelligent, loved person. Now you just need to work on seeing yourself that way.

Do you sleep well? I feel very low energy too. I wonder how we can energize ourselves?
Posted 7/30/2018 1:53 PM (GMT 0)
Just got back from taking my mom to her doctor appointment, Not so sick girl. Everything went well. Her family doc is going to try a course of Cipro for her pouchitis. She's had it in the past, and she hasn't had a scope to diagnose it, but she's having accidents all the time, so I don't want to risk her losing her pouch. Also took care of a few other issues, like her dizziness and her increase in Aricept, not using her inhaler.

I wish I had friends. I really don't have friends because I haven't BEEN a friend. It seem it just takes too much energy that I don't have. Although, of course, you get energy back from interactions with other people. I need to concentrate on trying to reach out to friends and reestablish relationships with people who once were very important to me. I know this.

I did take your advice and at least cleaned up my kitchen. I also got some work out of here yesterday, so feel much better about the day than the horrible Saturday I had, spending so much of it crying and feeling awful.

I live in Minnesota. Just wondering where you live.

BTW, I once wrote you a note about three or four months ago about how much I love your sign off line about fishes. You responded to me via email. I don't know if you remember that.

Well, better get at the job for today. Thanks for your help and friendship.

Mitz
Posted 7/30/2018 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Mitz,

Sounds like you know the right things to do. Reaching out is hard, but it does help if we want human companionship. Though I often keep to myself. I don't like all the drama with people around here. I did go for walks this weekend with friends. It was nice. Mine are few and far between.

I know how it is when there is a ton of stuff to do and you don't feel like doing any of it or you can't. I finally got laundry sorted after about five days of thinking about it. Yay...

I hope that things are getting better. Kudos for going with your mom. I am sure she appreciates the help. I don't understand a lot about digestive problems. But I have read a little on the crohn's (sp) forum. I hope all is well with her.

Take care and have a nice day...

Huggles, Karen...
Posted 7/30/2018 3:25 PM (GMT 0)
I am in California. We are in a heatwave and it's sweltering. I do remember that! I didn't respond because I didn't know who it was smile Thanks for the feedback. I guess we have similar attitudes in a lot of ways. I am happy you did some cleaning & got your mom to the doctor. Sounds like a productive weekend overall. Sometimes being productive makes me feel less down on myself. We should really both go see someone to get ourselves to a better place, but for now, we have each other and the group here to help - that helps me quite a bit.

Enjoy your day! I have so much work rolling in at the moment, and zero energy, it's scary...
Posted 7/30/2018 3:25 PM (GMT 0)
WELCOME TO THE FORUM!

As you have found out you have not been alone.

Yes, by all means call you family doc and try some anti depressants. That may be the boost you need to
get off the couch so to speak .

"move the muscles, the mind follows". true. Hard to get stared but true.

I was married 28.5 years, seperated now, no children. You are not alone there either. It would surprise you how many woman, never married or had children. TRUTH!

Try cleaning slowly. Take one thing from the room you are in, on the way out toss it or put it where it belongs. Slowly things come to order.

Peace and strength.
Trina
Posted 7/30/2018 3:27 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, Karen:

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, the overwhelming fatigue. Everything -- E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G -- feels like a huge chore, so instead of starting, I just feel bad that I haven't done it yet. I feel ashamed as well, that my everything is neglected and a mess. I get up from my bed in the moring, and I live alone, work at home (mostly) so I move downstairs to my recliner, with my laptop on my lap and work or fool around on line (like I'm doing now) virtually all day, and then I go back upstairs at the end of the day and as I'm getting ready for bed, I vow to not repeat the next day the slovenly day I just had, that I WILL get some stuff done. But I don't.

I think of a flashlight beam when I think of the people in my life. Know how some flashlights -- well, headlamps, at least -- can make a bigger circle of light or can be adjusted to make a pinpoint or at least small amount of concentrated light? I think of my life and I used to have a huge circle, and it had lots of friends, lots of interests, but now, my light beam is tiny, without friends, without hobbies or interests, and all that's left is my family (which I am so, so, so thankful for), my business/job, my pets, and me. How do I refocus my flashlight to make a bigger circle with more things in it when most of the time, I just want to do nothing? I gotta figure that out. And sometimes, I'm just fine being alone. When my depression was better controlled, I had come to the point of acceptance and even comfort and contentment with being alone, preferring to be alone. But I think that's kind of weird and sad at the same time to not have those interactions. I don't know, just flapping my gums right now. I better get to work. Been up for more than four hours and haven't gotten a single page done on my work.
Posted 7/30/2018 3:34 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the welcome, Be not afraid! And thanks for the reply, Not so sick girl.

It really does help to know that I am not alone in this dark place. I really am so tired of it. But the choices are to remain here, where I've been for probably a year or more, or claw my way out with the help of a physician and a new antidepressant. There's really no choice but one in that scenario, is there. Or only one good choice, it seems to me.

Feeling better than I was on Saturday. All of you have helped a lot. Appreciate it muchly.

Mitz and the livestock

(my livestock: Two sanctuary dogs, Nala (8) and Max (5), and two Eclectus parrots, Winston (18) and Ruby (also 18 but not sure because she was a rescue I got about six years ago).

Post Edited (MitzMN) : 7/31/2018 6:46:52 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/30/2018 3:36 PM (GMT 0)
There is no shame in trying to deal with an illness.

I use a wonderful book entitled: The mindful path to Self-compassion. It as done so much for me.

Yes, I have had very dark moments, but I return to the information in this book and haul my butt out again.

Everything is a process not a race, hard lesson for me to learn between ages 51 and 56. I am now 57.

Peace
Trina
Posted 7/31/2018 12:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, Trina.

Thanks for the book recommendation. Mindfulness is something I lack, that's for sure. I live in my mind, listening to awful voices saying awful things about me. I've read lots of books on being in the moment and mindfulness, but I haven't made it yet. But we are all works in progress, aren't we.

I did ask my family doc to give me a referral to the psychiatrist at Mayo. I feel better having taken that first step toward a more functional and happier life. Reaching out for help is humbling, but after all this time, I know there's a better way to live and I know I can't get there without some assistance, sad as I am to admit that again and again and again.

I'm off to work this morning and then will try to get myself out camping for a couple of days. I've only been out twice so far this year and with the extremely short season in Minnesota, that's not nearly enough. Looks like we might have more tolerable temps, too, Wednesday and Thursday, which this perpetually steaming and sweating girl appreciates!

Thanks again.

Mitz
Posted 7/31/2018 7:45 PM (GMT 0)
Great self advocacy step Mitz!

Have a good day and work.

don't be afraid to use those books you have a references to beat those bad thoughts. They are only thoughts and can not hurt you unless you act on them. You can control them.

Peace and strength
Trina
Posted 8/1/2018 12:41 AM (GMT 0)
That's awesome that you made the call. More than I've done. I actually have gone to the doctor so much in the past due to my UC, that the thought of going into a doctor's office is almost an impossibility for me. I am happy you were able to make the appointment. I really hope you can get back on something that makes you feel better. Maybe one of these days I will suck it up and do it as well. smile Camping sounds fun. We have the same issue here at the moment. Way too hot. Can't be outside very much. It's a bummer. Normally I think of the summer as the time to be outdoors, but we've had relentless heat going on a few weeks and I don't see an end being near. I miss the cooler spring/fall. How is your mom feeling? Any improvement?
Posted 8/4/2018 12:41 PM (GMT 0)
Twice now I've had several paragraph written to you, Notsosickgirl, and they become highlighted and deleted somehow. I think I'll do this in another program and cut and paste it over. My computer is so screwed up right now. My touchpad doesn't work correctly, my sound doesn't work correctly, and evidently my keyboard this morning is not working correctly either. ~grinds teeth~

Thanks, too, for asking abut my mom. I was thinking about that this morning while walking the dogs. Had a really pleasant time camping. Unfortunately, I only had two nights available so came home yesterday.

More updated response coming. Thanks for your interest and concern!
Posted 8/4/2018 2:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, Notsosick girl.

I'm doing this in email.

So, wanted to update you on my progress, or lack thereof. I did call to make an appointment with the psychiatrist, after my general doc put in a referral for me there. The person helping me with the appointment mentioned I needed to see someone else first, and I pooh-poohed that idea. Then she said the doc was a few months out before he had any time to see me. ***! She was going to check further on his calendar and call me back to make the appointment. Anyway, I got a call while camping from another appointment person and she said yes, it's policy, I MUST have an intake with someone first before the doc would see me. Okay, okay, I understand. Well, then she says the first opening is September 20-something. ***! Nearly two months out? No, wait, that time isn't long enough, she says. Then she comes back and says the first opening is October 30th. So three months before I can get in to do the initial eval, and then how long for the doc? Another three months? Is this really the state of mental health care in this country?

I could go back to my old psych clinic. My doc retired late last year. She is the one that put me on Welbutrin with my Effexor, and I felt FABULOUS! I finally had some energy and lost my complete food obsession. I ended up dropping 60 pounds in several months and felt on top of my game for the first time in a long time. So I credited her with knowing exactly what to do. And it was the first time I was on two medications. She explained the serotonin/dopamine/norepinepherine paradigm to depression control and decided that I needed a dopamine push from the Welbutrin.

Now, of course, the Welbutrin doesn't work like it did, I'm on a max dose, and I wanted to get off the Effexor after a dozen years or so, so she put me on the Cymbalta instead of the Effexor. So now I have no energy and I've gotten depressed again.

I feel like my general doc would not know the intricacies and ins and outs of the serotonin/dopamine/norepinepherine balancing and is not the best fit for trying to get me back where I was, but waiting three months just for the intake? I don't know if I can do that, though reaching out for this help alone has made me feel quite a bit better. I could go back to my old psych clinic and request a new physician, but they are not a preferred provider under my insurance so it always costs me more.

Anyway, decisions, decisions.

I had a nice time camping. I was at Fort Ridgley State Park in Minnesota, camped right next to a running creek. It was heavenly. And the temps were sweet. Like you, the heat causes me a lot of issues. I am an incredible sweat-er, even when it's not so hot, but if it's above 70, I just sweat like a pig. I hate it. I even have people inquire if I am okay. So I understand why you want to be outside but you really can't be these days. In MN the season is so short, it really is annoying to have it be too hot for outdoors. And no matter what, I'm gonna sweat.

As for my mom, she's been on the antibiotics for about five days now. I was thinking that I needed to call her today and find out if there's any change at all. It would be nice if she could go back to how well she was functioning a few years ago.

Looks like a rainy weekend here. I've got some work to do, and I just carted all my stuff back in from the camper, so lots of picking up, too. And, once again, it's approaching 10:00 in the morning and all I *really* want to do is take a nice long nap. No. No. Not gonna do that. Print those pages, Mitz, and get them proofed today.

Hope the forecast is for cooler temps, Notsosickgirl, and you can get outside and enjoy it a bit. Getting outside -- or even just away from the house -- always makes a different -- the positive kind -- in my mood. Probably does for you, too, huh?
Posted 8/4/2018 2:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, Trina:

The book you recommended is at my library, so I have a hold on the Kindle copy, and one other one about self-compassion. I realize, of course, that I am so nasty and mean to myself, like I'd never be nasty and mean to A.N.Y.O.N.E else on the planet. Why? It only makes me feel even worse. Why do I do that? It's like it's another me inside of myself that just detests me and everything about me, who ridicules, berates, shames -- all kinds of nasty stuff.

Anyway, I am sorry to hear that you are in the throes of a breakup of our long marriage. I feel stigmatized by never having married, and I imagine like most divorced folks I know, you will end up feeling somewhat stigmatized by a divorce. Why? What good does that do? I look at it with my friends and say, "Heck, you had a ___________ years long successful relationship. That is amazing!" I gave up, at age 30. OUTRAGEOUS! But I was simply too afraid to experience that level of loss again. So maybe we should both try to focus on the positives and work hard to find those positives. I ran into an old boyfriend in the grocery store the other day, and we were talking and he was telling me about his family. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was not able to experience, and never would experience, that kind of long-term history with a mate, I would not have children and experience that long-term love, and it felt like an overwhelming loss, an opportunity missed. OTOH, I knew I would never want to be a mom if there was even a chance that my child would end up with this awfulness to deal with.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading the book you recommended. I hope it will teach me to be nicer to myself.

Thanks again.
Posted 8/5/2018 4:08 PM (GMT 0)
The evenings here have been beautiful, but the daytime is too hot, and I am also prone to getting sweaty and uncomfortable. It's the worst when you're trying to sleep... I hope it cools down but it's not supposed to. I am living vicariously through you with the camping trip. Sounds beautiful being out there. Do you have a camper with a bathroom? have you seen some of those "glamping" campers? I think they are very cute, but I am not a big camper, UC definitely put an end to having fun in nature for me. I think I would be scared on my own anyway. Do you go to a campground or just out to a place you know? Either way, it's incredible that you are able to survive out in nature for a few nights. smile

Dealing with insurance companies is extremely frustrating. There has to be a way for you to get seen faster. Waiting 3 months when you're dealing with depression is way too long. I don't know what I would do... It sounds like the out of network practice would be a better overall option. You're already paying for insurance, it's not fair to have to spend more to go to there, but if you go to the in-network, the wait is long, and you don't sound confident that they can help you. It's good you got the ball rolling, but October is a long time away. Do you have one of those call cards for doctors? I received one from my insurance plan the other day. It says you can call and get services. I really want to try it, but I haven't yet. I wonder if they can prescribe medication?

Let me know what your mom says. I hope she's feeling better.
Posted 8/5/2018 6:59 PM (GMT 0)
I do have a camper with a bathroom, NSSG, and a bed and a kitchen and air conditioning. I bought it exactly a year ago, on a bit of a whim, having never even been INSIDE a motorhome before. It's more than 15 years old already, but it's well built and in good shape. The idea of just taking off with no agenda, going wherever I want to, for as long as I want to, with my dogs and parrots, was so intriguing, I jumped in. I have no one to really travel with, and finding bird sitters and dog sitters was so challenging, this was the answer to my wanderlust. So I'm trying to learn all the ropes now in anticipation of retiring in a few years. The areas of the country that I want to explore are the upper northwest, up into Vancouver and Canada, Utah and the beautiful national parks there, the Grand Tetons and (perhaps) Yellowstone, and the Maine, upper east coast, maybe up into Nova Scotia. Banff, too. Whether I get there or not, a girl can dream, right?

I hear you about the heat. I think that's why I'm most interested in the mountainous areas -- oh, northern California, too! -- because humidity and any kind of heat and activity turns me into a dish rag. I was at a fundraiser for a friend two weeks ago and some women took pity on me and asked if I wanted to join them at their table because they were right under an air conditioning vent. I was dripping onto my chest, my hair was completely wet. Same thing happened last week when setting up for a job. It's like all of a sudden, I just have a literal meltdown. It takes about 15 to 20 minutes to go from normal to dripping wet and then back to normal again. And it's mostly just my face and scalp that are attempting to sweat enough to cool my entire body. I don't know what it is. I've had it most of my life. These ladies were encouraging me to go to Mayo Clinic and figure it all out. But I don't think there really is an answer for me except maybe drugs that help with overactive bladder, and because of my UC, I can't take those. Or there's botox shots. It's call craniofacial hyperhidrosis -- head and scalp hyper sweating. It's embarrassing, so embarrassing.

Back to camping, I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to boondock -- camp out in the boonies by yourself -- myself, at least not yet. I do go to campgrounds, mostly state park campgrounds. There are lots of ladies, though, who go out and do boondocking. My motto when I started this was Be Brave. You've let fear run your life for 62 years. Just be brave, gol darn it.

But enough about me. What are some of your hobbies and interests? Do you garden? Are you an antiquer? Do you throw pots (not the cast iron variety, the clay variety)?

I asked Mom if things were better last night. She just looked at me with a blank look and said she didn't know. I'm not surprised. She is so not self-aware, it's amazing. I asked her to at least keep a notebook or piece of paper in her bathroom and take note of changes, but she's 87. She's not gonna change now.

I'm still mulling the next step for me. I guess I'll call the last psych clinic I was at and see when they can possibly fit me in and if that is unsatisfactory, I'll maybe go to my family doc. I am feeling a lot better, but I know that sometimes I can fall right back into the abyss without even a push, just seem to jump back in there voluntarily, which is crazy, isn't it?

Well, I got some pages to proof here, determined to get them done today, so I better get back at it. Hit me back with some of your interests. I feel like I constantly am talking about myself, which I find pretty darn boring, frankly.

Hope today was cooler for you. I'm inside here, in the air conditioning. Too hot to venture out.

Hugs!

Mitz
Posted 8/5/2018 9:53 PM (GMT 0)
You don't sound boring to me. You are quite impressive taking off on your own. You sound very confident and capable, it's good!!! I am an animal lover too. I spend a lot of time with my dogs, we walk in the mountains a bunch. I am in south CA, not the quiet, calm mountain towns up north, but we do have nice beaches here, that's a plus. I like to garden and care for plants, I buy a lot of cut flowers and make bouquets. Lately I am into cactus. They are easy and pretty. I love going to restaurants and cooking. I like to bake too. I love to design and decorate. I do love antiques too - especially furniture and jewelry. I like records and garage sales. I also love 2 wheel vehicles. I am always riding around on some type of bike - we can do that almost the entire year here. I like all your travel ideas. I often have thoughts about taking off up the coast here, maybe all the way up to Vancouver, come back down through Idaho/Montana or something... I have been across the US a few times, each time a different route, so I've been to a lot of states, but I missed a bunch too, and some I didn't get to see too much of.

It's miserably hot today. I can't get out at all. It's one of the worst days yet, very sweaty and gross. I saw you over on the UC board the other day. Nice to see you post over there. smile Actually HW, this is my other hobby... You should keep working towards getting in to see someone good. It can help.
Posted 8/9/2018 11:38 AM (GMT 0)
OMG. Once again, I had a tome written here and it highlighted and deleted. OMG. I haven't forgotten about you, NSSG. But I have to get moving for now onto the tasks of the day. Have a cut and color at 8:30. Chop, chop! <-- literally!
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