My daughter is depressed and cutting herself

I am usually on the lupus forum, and haven't even been on for a long time, so much stuff going on here.  I have just been rudely awakened by finding out that my daughter is depressed and cutting herself.  I knew her friend was doing this, she shared information with me, and we did research on the internet about cutting and how to help a friend who cuts and she looked me straight in the eye and said she doesn't get how anyone could do this.  Well, the "official" word seems to be self injury, and i get how people can do that, i've been dealing with depression for a long time, on and off different meds, right now just trying to deal with the lupus and fibro factor.

Anyway, I found out through the computer that my 12 year old daughter was in a relationship with a 14 year old boy and she is not allowed to date.  She has also been grounded due to her grades (d's and f's) for a long time, so she isn't supposed to use the phone or computer, but she has been all along, so when she cries to me that she has nothing, can't see her friends, can't talk to them, can't be on the computer with them, well, that's not true because she has been stealing her time.

Now I feel like i have to be careful with evreything i say and do because what if she goes into her room into that dead mode feeling and starts cutting herself, or waits until hubby and i are asleep?

I feel so outraged.  I am a stay at home Mom and i didn't see this coming, I trusted my daughter to be telling me the truth.  I knew she was using the phone late at night and early in the morning, and i would collect the phones and i thought she had stopped, but she hasn't.  This boy is everything to her and he makes her feel better, but evidently not enough or she wouldn't be cutting herself.  She's been doing this for two weeks now.

This morning she used the phone to call the friend who does cut herself that she told me about, and she must have had the phone all night because there was little battery left.  I want to punish her for that, but i am afraid.

I have a call in to a counselor, waiting for an appt time.  I am just at my end.

I am going to search for an online support group for mother's who have kids who cut themselves.

This all came to a head on Tuesday  night, yesterday she came home from school all happy because everything was out in the open, and it is, but yet she isn't following the rules that say no boyfriend and no phone.

I could just scream.

My own therapist has closed his practice, I did get to chat with him on the phone, but that's all, I am afraid to leave (midterm and finals, funky school schedule) because i want to be here for my kids.

Does anyone know anything about this type of thing?  I mean, I did the research on cutting with my daughter for her friend, I read it all, I am doing all I can, but I still feel lost.  And how do I enforce the rules without being afraid that she will cut herself?

Hi Mary-Anne,  I first wanted to say that I am so sorry your daughter and for you that your family has to go through this.  I have worked in the mental health field for many years and have seen this in adults seeking attention.  I have not treated children and am not a physician.  But felt compelled to respond to your post.  As you stated you have done your homework on her "cutting" so you should know that punishment is not going to work to make this behavior stop.  According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry website: 

Some adolescents may self-mutilate to take risks, rebel, reject their parents' values, state their individuality or merely be accepted. Others, however, may injure themselves out of desperation or anger to seek attention, to show their hopelessness and worthlessness, or because they have suicidal thoughts. These children may suffer from serious psychiatric problems such as depression, psychosis, Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Bipolar Disorder. Additionally, some adolescents who engage in self-injury may develop Borderline Personality Disorder as adults. Some young children may resort to self-injurious acts from time to time but often grow out of it. Children with mental retardation and/or autism may also show these behaviors which may persist into adulthood. Children who have been abused or abandoned may self-mutilate.

I think that counseling is in excellent idea for you and for her and going together probably wouldn't hurt either.  It is entirely possible that she may be doing this because she is acting out do the the restrictions put on her or that her friend has been cutting herself and she feels that it may be the popular thing to do.  Or she could have a real problem here which if she is hurting herself it has progressed drastically and it is entirely possible.  Whatever the reason for it, is it is important to remember that is your daughter that is going through this and she needs the support and attention.

I hope that everything gets better for you real soon, please keep us updated on how she is doing. 

~elisha 

Maryann
I have never dealt with this type of thing. But my son has bipolar.
Telling him that if we didn't have an episode for a week,then he would be able to have one of his privilages back really seemed to work.
Maybe this will work for you?

Your right Mary-Anne, it is just the beginning. She's not going to let her touch you, and that's ok. It's something people like to hide, its embarassing. I know that my mom will be like, Bekah lift up your sleeves now! So she can see whether or not I have any new cuts. It's embarssing and will make her feel awkward. Then again, if you just ask...she'll lie like she did to her brother. Being that she's only 12 she probably doesn't realize what she's done. Unless something in her life traumatized her to the point where she cut, I would definitely say it has to do with her friend or just rebelling. Just my opinion though, when she goes to counseling maybe she can just sort out her thoughts.

Keep your spirits up, and keep encouraging her and supporting her. Things will get better, she just might need to be guided in the right direction. She's only 12, there is so much more to life. You are definitely in my prayers and remember that it's not your fault, and that you are doing a wonderful job by just seeking help for her and giving her support! *hugs*

Again, thank you so much for your words of experience for me.  I am really trying to work this through, trying to stay in the moment and not lost in everything.  I am glad Thursday is over!  But I think it was very good for me to get it all out, I had to cry adn grieve and be sad that this is going on when i've tried so hard as a stay at home mom to be there for my  kids.  my own guilt and issues gets in the way for me.

I agree about Gaby being able to earn her priviledges back, but I can't go back on my word about the boy, or dating in general.  We are trying to follow the courtship method with our kids, and for my oldest son (15) it seems to be working, and that's more the reason why i don't want her dating.  At 12, I think she can know boys at school and they can get together outside (when she earns that priviledge back) but not a one on one.  As an observer, she can see the qualities thta she likes, but I think it's too early to zone in on one boy and see how that goes?  I might be wrong in this, but it's where i am at right now.  I do have an open mind, I'd like to think so anyway.

I think she is still talking with this boy on the phone anyway - if he makes her feel so good, why is she still cutting herself?  And this girl that she is friends with who does cut and her mother and the school are in the know...I wonder if she brings Gaby down because it's a one-sided friendship?  I see Gaby get off the phone with her (I give her limited use, like 15 minutes, when she asks) and she is so sad.  I really will be glad when the appt comes through (I am calling TODAY, can't wait any longer) and Gaby has an objective party to hear her.

This weekend hubby and i went out and we left her with my mother, I didn't think that my son should have to concerned with all that is going on with her anymore, too big for him, too adult for him, we need not rush thigns.  So she was with my mother, which at first she objected to, saying she didn't need to be watched, but then i told her that i felt she did and she needed to make the best of it, or not, her choice.  She did enjoy herself, my mom was trying really hard to keep her spirits up.  I don't know if we should try so hard, i don't know what to do, but i am glad the weekend went well.

Gaby has come home from school very happy except for Friday when she said she was a loser, none of her friends invite her to do anything anymore, and she'd like to be asked.  I guess that would be them tired of hearing no because of her grades.  I am hoping that she changes that, report cards are this weekend.

I don't know, i am trying all that i know, listening to everything i hear and trying to be as gentle as a dove and as wise as a serpent (do i have that verse correct?).  it's not easy, and I know it's hard on the person doing the hurtful things to themselves, but it's so hard on this end too, wanting to make everything better, and feeling so helpless.

Anyway, have to run off to an appt (My own psych appt) andi i am asking for a recommendation from him for a child psych., i figure it will go hand in hand with therapy and the psych can judge just how deep this issue goes.  She showed me her arm this morning and it is healing nicely, looks like she hasn't cut since we found out last Tuesday?  All my fears aren't gone yet though, so i thought this might help.  we shall see.

thanks everyone, your support and sharing your experiences is really helping me, I am my own worst critic and hearing your words helps keep me off my own ledge, so to speak...

I'm 19 years old and have had more health problems than I can count. Needless to say I've had to face some things that most people never have to even think about their whole lives. I was going through a really rough patch with my health when I was 12 and was depressed. I wasn't actually cutting myself but I was finding other ways of inflicting pain. Like Bekah said, it's a very secretive thing. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I still didn't want anyone else to know it. My parents were very aware of the hell that I was going through and were very supportive. They got me counselling and I was put on medication when I was 13. (Celexa - my doctor chose it because she said that it didn't cause wait gain and as a 13 year old girl i didn't want to add that to my list of problems, and it was also an easy drug to go off of, so without the bad side effects) I was on it for about 2 years and it really helped. I still had bad days but the black hole was no longer as deep. I also learned to laugh again and I started to see the reasons for being alive. Things started to get rough again about two years ago and this time the celexa no longer worked so I went on Effexor.

Also, I agree with some of the other people about the privileges. I was hospitalized for one of my health problems this summer and have had a really slow recovery this fall and now into this new year, consequently my social life has virtually stopped. Through no fault of my own, I am not able to go out and enjoy the things most 19 year olds can. While some of my friends have stuck around others have gone on about their lives knowing I guess that when I'm back healthy they'll be able to pick up with me again -- in the mean time this does me no good. Whatever is going on with your daughter she needs friends. And while maybe you don't approve of all her friends keeping her away from life is not going to do her any favours. No matter what she's going through, if she feels like she's alone in the world and that her friends have stopped asking her to do stuff she might start to feel like no one cares about her, and you don't want that. I had and have some friends who were cutters when they were younger and their parents handled it in different ways. Some parents did as you are doing and took away everything. They punished them for their bad marks, dissaproved of their friends and their "life choices"... while others looked at it all as a cry for helped and supported them, knowing that they wanted to protect them but that the mroe you say no to kids the more they want to do it.  I know from my own experience that when I acted out I already felt like the world was closing in on me and I was suffocating and if anyone imposed any other restrictions on top of that I'd fight back - and usually not to them but at myself.

Get yourself some counselling so you know how to help her, and how to support her. Get her someone to talk to who as you said is objective. You're doing the right things, so try not to beat yourself up. And also remember that what worked for your son might not work for your daughter. Each kid is different and giving them different rules may be hard for you but the best thing for the kids. It sounds to me like your oldest son is a good kid and loves his sister so he will understand if you do things differently with her.

Anyway hope I have shed a little light on a dark issue.

Thanks for the sharing again - there are so many sides to consider in this whole experience, I really don't know which end is up right now. I did make an appt for my daughter with the psych. for next Friday and she meets with the social worker on Monday. I was able to talk with the social worker a bit, ask her how she did things, and what i should be doing or not doing in the meantime. I am good with the alternative to cutting - Gaby and I came up with plucking the eyebrows - it hurts, and it's productive, and they look great right now. The lady said it was good that i didn't forbid Gaby to go there, but to allow her, and give her an alternative. geez, i thought that one up on my own... I am just glad it fell in the good thing to do column, so much doesn't. This is such a hard place to be. i get how my daughter is feeling, i know the pain of depression and lonliness and feeling like a loser, it's just that i am an adult and supposed to have it together, especially when it comes to helping your own kids, it's hard to have your own issues and deal with kid issues too. in our first talk, gaby walked all over my issues, blaming me and accusing me and a world of hurting stuff, it was hard to hold on to me and come back and remind myself I was the mother and I am allowed to tell her what to do, to have family rules and boundaries and be the one to say life isn't fair, and fair is never equal... I don't mean to sound rude or non feeling here - I am - more than anyone could probably realize from my writing, but I am also the mother here, I get that Gaby is hurting and I hate to see it, but i can't let it dictate what I do or don't do, or change the rules that she herself has lived by because this year sucks. I would love to make things easier for her, this is my child, i had placenta previa with her, I was on bedrest for 6 months, had to give my oldest to someone else to care for because i couldn't care for a toddler, stayed in bed or in the hospital bleeding most of the time, she was delivered 7 weeks early because the placenta tore at my cervix (I was dialating already) and she went to NICU, she was so tiny... I would have gladly traded places with her to ensure her survival then, and i did everything the doctors told me to bring her to life, and I'd take that pain and have it myself now if it was possible. But I can't. thats the sucky thing with being a parent, you can't take your child's pain away, you have to stand by and watch them live through it, hope you are doing all you can and remain the firm foundation because that's what they need you to be. To be less than this, would be disservice to my daughter. But i hate it, because it pains me more than she could know right now, but when she has a child of her own, she'll understand - oh and I hated that when my mother said it to me, but it's true. parents hurt when their kids hurt, or at least this one does.
Gaby has permission to chat with her friends when she asks for the phone, and she has a time limit, and i am not a gestapo with a watch making sure she obeys, it's honor I want her to learn. Her friends can come here, but she can't go there (the brother of the girl that cuts is into ****, how can i let her into that house? how do i know this? i picked up the phone to make a call and she was on and talking with him. i calmly hung up the phone and went to her and told her to do the same and then told her my thoughts on ****ography, do you know how scary that is?) The family of her best friend, that cuts herself, where the relationship is very one sided - barbara is very needy and Gaby is trying to be there for her, but she is realizing the truth of this relationship. i explained yesterday that some friendships are like that, soem people don't know how to give of themselves, and we are there for them because we know how, but we can't take on their burdens as if they were our own. i am 39 and trying to learn and live that, i hope to give my daughter the benefit of my experience and maybe one day she'll get it. She continues to be true to Barbara and i respect that, even though i dont like it. I don't like most of her friends, but i have never denied her be friends with any of them but one (good cause and mom's intuitition was LOUD and CLEAR and she showed her true colors and hurt Gaby, terribly). She isn't allowed over here ( she would come over, walk in the house, go to Gaby's room and yell for Gaby to join her, no hello to me or anyone, and then she would leave, no good bye...when i mentioned that to gaby, then she would find me and how she said hello would make anyone's skin crawl, it was SOO disrepectful.) That girl has moved on, i guess she found she had no use for Gaby, it hurt to watch, but not to see this girl go, and it was good to see my daughter see this and get it and walk away tall.
I am trying very hard to be open minded and not cut her off from the world, though i will admit that as her mother, my first instinct is to wisk her away from all this pain and put her somewhere safe, but since that's not logical, I can't do that.
Honestly, I think she's realizing she didn't chose the best kind of people to be her close friends, and that's what is going on here, I thnk these girls are causing her pain, and the boys too, not because I said no to dating, but because she has morals and values and these kids cross the line and it isnt' what Gaby wants to do. i believe to have these values and admit them in today's society is a hard thing. Both my kids wear the promise ring (to save themselves for marriage). They did this on their own, i simply provided the ring when asked. They wear it proudly, but it costs them and sometimes it's off their finger, and I dont 'complain, because I know it's what is in their heart that matters most.
Am i making sense here? I don tmean to cut Gaby off from the world, I think it's them saying we don't like the rules you live by. Would my duaghter like to change some of them, I am absolutely certain she would - but where does a D get you in today's world? If only they would grade for her cute outfits everyday, it would help a lot. She has a gift there, and in high school she can build on that gift with her electives, she is looking forward to that, but she has to get there first... and having a boyfriend? we already learned that it was harder than she thought, he wanted too much from her, he's older, he's a guy, that's how guys think (most of them, I do believe in exceptions, I'd like to think my older son is one of them). She couldn't give him what he wanted, not because i told her no, but because it was something she didn't want to do. That caused pain in school because he let his mouth run with lies... Personally, I wish i could go find this boy and bring him inside by the ear and tell him a thing or two, but that wouldn't be good in today's society, i'd probably go to jail...yet it's okay for him to trash my duaghter's reputatin because she didn't put out? ahhh! it's a parent's nightmare! He made her feel special because he thought he'd get something in return, he didn't, and now he is gone, they have nothing to say to each other. it breaks my heart, and yet i am glad, but to learn this hard lesson at 12? it's why i'd rather her not date. it isn't forbidden though, she did it anyway, and she will again if another guy comes along that catches her interest, i am sure. my job is to give her the right tools to learn how to hold onto herself...things i never learned in time, that's for certain.
so maybe this lady will help, both of us, this is a long term counseling thing, with family counseling involved and highly encouraged. i think it will help all of us learn to communicate better, help her dad be more accessible (he is very black and white, very military) help me not be so anxious at every turn. it's still scary though.
thanks for words about the meds, that helps...a mood stabilizer...Sheryl...how did you make the connection from an anti-depressant to mood stabilizer too and mania? i am curious, you live this, what did you see that i havent seen?
Sasha, thank you for sharing your experience with me. I did not mean to pounce all over it, I was just trying to give the view of being mom here, though i can relate to what you are going through, i've been there, i know this pain, i understand that black hole and sometimes its right beside me, wide open, waiting for me to jump on in.
Gaby does not know i don't like her friends (except that one), just for the record. i've shared that here where it is safe, not with her, because i agree with you 100%, it will make her want it all the more. to take everything away, to pull a "dr. phil' would be catestrophic in my opinion. She has her room with all a 12 year old girl could want, she doesn't have an active social life right now because D's are not allowed, I'd be okay with a C from her (though Nic is different, and a C wouldn't be good from him). Gaby has tenacity (clearly, or she wouldn't be here today, fighting her little self through all the preemie issues, always been in a rush...) and i can't lower my standards because she needs a social life. She n eeds an outlet, certainly, there is the phone, no more computer (it was way too messy, way too ugly what little girls say about each other, it hurt her more than i think i know, but I can imagine) and her friends can come here, she is involved in the youth group at church, i haven't taken that away. Just Saturday night skating...it's the cost of the D's (that would be plural) on the report card.
alrighty, no more justifying my own actions here for me, i am the mom, the pay sucks but the job is worthwhile in the end, or so they tell me, i've had soem awesome moments, so i will stick it out LOL like i have a choice! i love my babies, please know that.
thank you guys, all of you, for everything you have shared, it helps so much to come here and to read what you all think, all of it, because it gives me some frame of reference and i truly to appreciate it. please don't stop sharing, you guys are part of the knot in my rope right now, helping me sort out what to keep and what to chuck...

Thank you Bekah
****hug*****

Well, today is the big day that I take my daughter out of school and meet with the social worker. I hope this is all I need it to be, and all Gaby needs it to be. I realize we didn't get this way overnight, so the answers aren't going to come in one session, but I sure will be glad to have someone professional help me be pointed in the right direction.
I'll post later on how everything turns out.
I spoke with the school counselor to make them aware of what I learned by reading my daughter's my space page and all the gang stuff that is out there on the web, it isn't on her page, but some of the people that post, you can check their pages out, and it's all there plain as day.
The school is aware, they have a deputy on it (that's good to know) and it will be an article in this month's bulletin from school.
so much stuff going on for a 12 year old, so much more stuff to be aware of now that I spoke with the counselor about how Gaby works the sytem at school. this is not the girl I raised, I don't knwo where it all went wrong.
My 2 oldest would like to go to the Acquire the Fire seminar this weekend, I think I'll find the money for that, more God stuff, more to keep them covered and know where thier protection comes from, and prayerfully to think better of themselves and be a bit more choosier when making friends, knowing what is good for them and what isn't. wE shall see.

Hi Mary-Anne,  I am so glad that you were able to get her into see a counselor.  Talking with a professional should help.  Things with kids now a days are so differant than even when I was growing up in the 70's & 80's.  Just the other day my 10 year old neice came over and had makeup on as if she were an adult.  I was kind of surprised by this but maybe this is the thing for kids to do now a days, I dont know but it didnt seem appropriate for someone of her age.  I dont have children so I cant state my views on dating ages or whatever to others who do have kids.  Obviously you being the parent have to make this decision has she as the child will have to respect your decision.  Good luck with it

Hi Maryann,

I am seeing a lot of peer pressure going on through reading your posts.  Her grades have dropped, you said that she was getting D's.  I wonder if she is cutting because her friends are.  I think that the counseling is a good idea and that you are doing everything humanly possible to help her.

You are in my thoughts and my prayers.  I think that with the help of the counselor she will come around.

Luv and hugs,

Karen